Should My Children Attend a Funeral

I have taken my kids to funerals at all ages, and I am never the only one there with kids. It is just a part of life.

My brother died when my daughters were 2 and 4. The 4 year old had many many questions many about heaven, and why this happened to my brother. Still they were a great comfort with their simplified outlook on life. The 4 year old will have questions about what happened and your reaction whether they go or not. It never entered my mind that they wouldn't go, but that was because it was a small funeral, it was outside, and i wanted them there. I assigned someone to watch them during the funeral, but said they could run around if they wanted (the two year old picked dandelions). I spoke at the funeral and one off the best moments was when my 4 year old came up and hugged me while I was talking. I needed that hug at that moment. But they generally understood the solemnity of the service, and were a light when things got too dark. but again it was pretty informal and outside, and we were running it so we felt like it was ok to bring them. If i were you i would take them with you, and get a feel from family members for whether you should take them. Often a family friend will volunteer to stay at the house during the funeral (I don't really know if this is a tradition in prep for food, or a security thing) so you might see if you can get a "kid friendly" minder who could also watch the kids. Or perhaps there is a family friend near the funeral who has kids and could give the name of a babysitter to have at the house or at the funeral facility. or if it is at a church, you could call the church office and find out about using the nursery and even maybe a nursery worker to watch your kids (and there might possibly be others who need childcare).

Here is something i blogged right after my brother died4 called a 4 year old's views on grief and death.

My girls as always help me to realize what a lucky mom I am. Elisabeth has offered comments and difficult - but funny - questions. But more than that is her comforting nearness, especially when she stood by me at the podium when I spoke at the funeral. Maggie constantly asked "Wha' happen' Momma?" when I was crying, and then brought me something, anything to comfort me (a flower, a glass of water, a frisbee).

At the cemetery Elisabeth asked, "If Uncle Ben is here, then is this heaven?", and my friend Shawna said "No Elisabeth, Hominy isn't heaven." (Although the cemetery is very heavenly and peaceful, with a green expanse fading into the Hominy hills).

"Can't we get a new Uncle Ben?". (Last November our dog Shelby died, and we got a new dog Honey in late January.)

After I said, "I am sad for Uncle Ben because he was my brother, just like Maggie is your sister." she said "Well, Maggie can be your sister too."

She still talks about our Great-Aunt Katy, who died last summer. While we were at my mom's for the funeral Elisabeth commented "Aunt Katy tapped her foot alot". (Katy had the habit of spasmodically pounding her feet) . And then she said, "Uncle Ben could talk better than Aunt Katy and he could sleep in his wheelchair". Those are her eulogies for their amazing feats.

My mom's house is next to the cemetery where Ben and most of Hominy is buried. We usually walk there when we visit, but of course after the funeral it was a different experience. Still we did as usual, walking through plots, examining graves, thinking about the lives the headstones represent. The girls mostly climb on the markers, or play hide and seek; that evening Maggie collected gravel, calling the gathered rocks her "babies". We came upon one grave that was really a shrine, with die cast cars, wind chimes, hand painted rocks, astroturf. Of course the girls were drawn to this and went to pick up the cars. We gently stopped them and I tried to explain how people decorate graves like this to show how much they loved the person who has died (show who?), how they want to honor the memories they had with this person. As we walked home we passed a grave where some flowers had fallen over, and Elisabeth, not usually tidy without prompting, picked up the flowers and put them back into their vase. (Maggie followed behind, picked up the flowers, intending to bring them home with us. We talked her out of this.)

While we were visting Ben's new grave she and Maggie played in the fresh dirt. Sounds weird now, but at the time it was oddly comforting. We told Elisabeth that Uncle Ben would have been the first to get muddy. Elisabeth had to potty, and I told her she could pee on my Grandmother Polly's grave (next to Ben's), that Polly wouldn't care she would think it was great. Elisabeth looked at me askance and said "It's just a grave mommy"

One of my biggest regrets is that Ben's relationship with Elisabeth is cut short and really Maggie won't remember him at all. I was trying to explain this to Elisabeth and was telling her "But Uncle Ben won't be able to tell you stories, and he could tell stories for hours." And she said, "But he did tell me stories." And I said "Yes you are right." And I thought, that is all that matters, he did tell you stories, you both got to have that experience. It is irrelevant that the time for that is now over, because at least you had that time.

As I was crying on the couch she said "why are you crying?" "Because I am sad Uncle Ben died." (I had been sitting in various places all over the house crying for days). "You have to let him die, because then it gets better. You can't cry all the time." I agreed. She then suggested a snack, and I said "Why are you hungry?" "No, You have to eat when you cry. " As my friend Becky says, who needs a therapist when you have Elisabeth?

"When people die we can't see them, right?" Well I explained, we can see them just most people just choose not to." "Because that would be icky"."It is more that I chose not to see Uncle Ben because he wasn't there anymore, I mean the part of him that made him breathe, and talk and love was gone. That part was in heaven. His body was still here and that is what we buried in the ground. do you understand? because it is okay if you don't. It is kind of hard to understand "No it isn't hard to understand. Death is part of life". "Where did you get that?" "From Iron Giant."

hope all of this helps. My sympathy for your loss

A. Moore

Sorry for your loss. yes take the six year old, death is part of life and I have seen family members who were protected and has they got older could not handle deaths and other sad things in life and that is not a good thing. My daughter started attending funerals at age 6 and going to the hospital at 10 when her grandpa was dying and she would read to him, this has led to maturity, compassion and other things that have helped her deal with life. As for the younger maybe someone from the church can babysit and the also the six year to gibe her a break when needed.

I am so sorry for your loss. Since you were very close to your grandfather, the children need understand that you are sad. This is a good opportunity to explain to your children that it is okay to be sad - we don't have to always have a happy face, because sometimes sad things happen. And it is also a good time to teach them about death. I have found that children who were not taken to funerals when they were very young have a harder time coping with funerals at an older age.

They will have a lot of questions, so answer them honestly. They will want to know about the burial - more than the funeral. I just explained to my kids that the funeral was like a church service with some scripture, songs and prayers and a preacher who would talk about Granddaddy. There would be a lot of people there who loved Granddaddy and that they might be sad and cry...and remind them that it is okay to cry when you are sad. I also told them about the cocoon and the butterfly - how the caterpillar lived in the cocoon until he was ready to fly away and then he became a butterfly and left his cocoon home and flew away. I told them that Granddaddy was very sick and the doctors could not make him better, so his body died because it was sick, but that his spirit (which was his smile and his voice and his thoughts and his love)never dies and had gone to be with God and was waiting there for us to come someday. I explained that his sick body was all that was left in the casket and that you have to bury the bodies when the spirit leaves to go to God.
If they have had a pet die and you have buried it, they understand a little more about the burial. Also I usually took my small children to a funeral of someone from church who they knew, but didn't know very well - so that when a loved one died, they would understand what was going on...sort of a trial run, so to speak.

If there is a teenage relative who could sit near you at the service and/or at the viewing, you might speak to him/her ahead of time and ask if the 1year old got restless would he/she be willing to take the 1 year old into the cry room or outside the chapel of the funeral home. The 4 and 6 year olds should be fine...let him take a favorite small quiet toy or book or stuffed animal/doll with him/her. My four year old actually fell asleep during the service for his grandfather.

Good luck, you will make the best decision for your family. These are just some of the things that worked for me. I will say a little prayer for you and your family.

Sorry for your loss, i would let the children attend, especially if the older ones were close with him. i was 5 & 8 when my grandparents died and i regret to this day that my parents didn't take me...seems that final closure is not there...if u know what i mean. So i definatly would take them, my aunt passed away in oct, both my kids were close to her, my daughter was only 6, son was 13 and i took them.

First off, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Grandfather 4 1/2 years ago and I was his only granddaughter. My dauthers was 3 1/2. I also have a niece who was 5 and four nephews ages 4 months to 9 years. We had the funeral at our chruch and one of the ladies from kept the younger kids in the nursery for us. My brothers and I felt that they were too young to attend the funeral but wanted them to be there. If you are having a service at a church perhaps one of the ladies could watch your children in their nursery or a classroom while you attend the service. Check with whom ever is making the arrangements to see if someone would be willing to do that for you.
G. C.

Can the church it is being held at offer child care doing the service.I know that when Jeff was little he loss both grandmother's in a 3 month time. The first my mother died in another state so he did not go the other Lannie's mother live in Ok near us. Jeff did fellow us down the street from grand moms to the home . There was only 2 house between them, this was at a time we just walk up there. He never ask any questions that I can remember.Her church at child care for us , they took care of him, and one cousin. He did attend the meal they church give us. If you are worry about your kids I would see if that can be set up which most church can easily do.

We usually take our children with us when we travel to funerals because (unfortunately) this is one time to see lots of family. So we always want the kids to attend any meals and events around the funeral. I also take the kids to the viewing. It is a chance for them to understand what has happened and to pay respects in their own way. But you can leave at any point and it doesn't require long periods of sitting. On funeral day, the kids generally dress nice, and greet everyone at the church, but then go to the childcare room, they join us for the trip to the cemetary (again long period of quiet behavior is not required) and join for the family meal.

Most little kids just aren't ready to sit through a funeral - i would ask you 6 yr old what she wants to do and perhaps give her the option. If you call the church that is hosting the funeral, I'm sure they can find a volunteer to watch out of town children. Ours always have been very helpful.

Hi S., if you do not have any options I would take the children, my Grandmother passed away 25 days after my daughter was born and of course I wanted my daughter to be with me because she was so young and everyone understood. Most people understand when you take your children to funerals. I would take some very quiet things the children like to keep them occupied while there. Stuffed animals, and things of that nature, but before the funeral you should talk to them and try your best to explain to them in terms they understand where you are going and why. Also why it is important to be quiet, on the way to the funeral I would remind them once again. I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry to hear about your grandfather. :(

Eh, I'm not a big fan of taking kids to funerals. This is a place where adults are grieving, and little ones don't have the patience, discipline, or understanding to behave in the manner they need to. Too disturbing to the people who've come to pay their respects, IMHO. With this being your grandpa, YOU are also going to want to have your time to grieve as well without having to worry about what the kids are doing/saying! Personally it just seems like a big pain if you took them.

There's got to be somebody that someone in the family knows who can watch the kids. Anyone else with small kids in the family who doesn't mind sitting it out (who isn't as close to your grandpa as you)? I'd ask around.

Now, assuming you decide to take them for whatever reason. I think it also depends on your kids & how in-tune they are to that kind of thing. If they're really sensitive I would think about deciding against it.

Example: A couple of years ago, my FIL's dad passed away and my DD was about 4 - no way in hell I was going to take her into the funeral because I just don't think it's appropriate, and she's the kind of kid who it would bother more than be helpful/educate. Then again, I didn't want to piss off the inlaws by not going. I took crayons and a coloring book (maybe a couple of quiet toys also), and my DD and I sat in the hallway and played quietly. We ended up being joined by my SIL's sons, whom I kept an eye on, and another young mom with a little girl, and everything was fine.

Stacy, I took my daughter to a funeral when she was 5 and she handled it just fine. She ask some questions about dying and going to heaven which I answered---I did not let her view the body in the casket I thought it may be a little much for her. However, her daddy died 3 days after her 8th birthday and she did see him in his casket. I hope this helps you out.

God Bless,
C.

I would personally not take children that young to a funeral. I'm sorry for your loss, I recently lost my grandfather too.

While the 4 and 6 year old may not quite understand what is going on if they had a relationship with the departed they should be permitted an opportunity to say good-bye the one year old will not remember, and the four year old might not, but the six year old will more than likely remember and as with any life experiance can learn from it if focused properly. If the children didn't have a relationship with the departed, you should try to leave them with a sitter, especially the one year old who will get nothing from this experiance but discomfort.

Well, this is timely for me as it was one week ago today we buried my grandmother. My kids are 10, 4 and 2 and we brought all of them to the wake/viewing. My ten year old was fine but the little ones were a complete disaster - and they're usually very well behaved. The 4 year old ran rampant, up and down aisles, sliding along benches, etc. and the 2 year old followed suit. This went on for almost two hours, until some blessed person (from a different viewing altogether) took their portable DVD player out of their car and put on SpongeBob in the lobby. At this point we were able to get about 20 trouble-free minutes in. I was a little concerned about respect for the dead and how everyone else would see this - but everyone agreed that this was the preferable option. I would highly recommend you do something similar and bring a distraction for your kids. We decided that we could not possibly get them to sit in church for the funeral. If the church has a "quite room" you might consider staying with your kids in there.

My daughter's aunt, whom she adored, was murdered when my daughter was 5. We took her to the funeral, and while she was upset, she's now 19 and says that looking back, she's glad she had the chance to say goodbye.
Explain to them what death means. If you believe in an afterlife, tell them about that. If they want to know why everyone is sad if the dead person is happy, tell them "We're sad because we miss them." Be prepared to take them out if they get too upset. Sometimes being surrounded by people in intense emotional states can upset a child.

S., here is my personal expirence, my daughter was four when we lost my son who was 4 months old, she went to the funeral to say goodbye, #1 rule dont lie to your chilcren, dont tell them grandpa is sleeping this will make them afraid to sleep. My daughter asked what the casket was and we told her it was my sons spaceship to heaven. Also there are books at your local library that you can check out these are for kids. One title I can remember right off is When Dinosaurs Die, I skipped over some of this book for a four year old. I see you are in Bartlesville, here in OKC they have a support group called Calm Waters it is very helpful.

I'm sorry for death in your family. I would recommend someone entertaining the 6 yr. old in the funeral home lobby during a visitation (my husband did this with our 6 yr. old son when a close family member died on my side of the family). The two others are most likely too young to realize what's going on. This is the more difficult thing - If they will be quiet and entertained during the visitation/service then consider taking them if that is your only option. If they will not, it will add to your stress during this difficult time that you should be with those who share in this grief. Those are hard ages to keep calm and confined for a long period of time to allow you to visit and grieve with other family members.

I'd describe what a funeral is like for your 6 and 4-year-olds and perhaps let them decide if they want to go or want a sitter. If you decide to take all 3, prepare for the worst and have a PLAN for any acting out. It isn't fair to the other mourners present to have a bunch of kids screaming and running around. It just isn't right. So, if there is a sitting option or if you and your husband decide to take the kids outside if they start to act up, then that is fine. I am sorry for your loss. There are many nice books about death for children, including one Maria Shriver wrote when her kid's grandmother died.

I hear that a lot of parents are afraid to expose their children to death or funerals but I don't see anything inappropriate or wrong about it. The only reason I would recommend you leave them with a sitter is if you think they can't stay quiet out of respect for other mourners or if you think you won't be able to properly mourn and pay respects if they are there. I think it is healthy for children to be exposed to experiences like funerals. Death is a mystery to them at this age. I believe it helps them with emotional growth. My children didn't have the opportunity (thank God) to be exposed to death and the natural way to grieve until they were 8 and 5 and unfortunately their first experience was with their younger brother and six months later their great Aunt. It was a opportunity for them to understand and learn what grief was about and how people deal with such sorrow. They were fascinated by the differences in a death of a child vs. the death of the elderly. I don't regret exposing them at all and feel like they are now (a year later) more empathic to others.

I am sorry for your loss of such a wonderful person in your life.

Hi S.. You know, this is kinda a personal decision, but I can tell you that my own son has only been to two funerals. My thou ght is that, yes, if the children were close to this relative, then they should go, if they weren't then I would try to find a sitter to keep them while you go alone. The first funeral we took my son to was out of town also, and we had no choice. We didn't have anyone to keep him. He was about 3 years old & he did not even know the relative that had died. So, in that situation, I sat in the very back with him (in case we had to leave or anything). My husband was a palbearer, so he participated in the funeral. The other funeral he went to was my husband's father; his grandfather. He DID know this relative & was close to him, so, we thought that it was appropriate for him to be able to say goodbye as well. He was about 7 when we took him to that. He was not traumatized or anything like that...he was sad & asked alot of questions, which we answered truthfully & as best as we could. Be prepared for questions & don't tell them that they shouldn't ask - and be honest with them in the answers. My son asked if his Papa was just going to wake up because he looked like he was asleep. We told him, no, that Papa's body was the only thing laying there & his spirit was gone to heaven to be with god. Just let them ask their questions & be truthful with them...

My answer would be yes. Death is a part of life, without one, you cannot have the other. My childrens' grandmother recently died. I explained to my younger child this way. Just like with "The Lion King" there is a circle of life. And that GOD created LIFE. That we are all born into this life, we grow and bloom, like the flowers and trees. And just like them we will also wither and die. God gave us JESUS; but before Jesus could enter into HEAVEN, he had to fist DIE. My children's grandfather had died before her (Grandmother). They (the children) knew that she missed her husband, and other family members that had died before her. They also knew she believed in HEAVEN. They also knew that she was ready to join her other loved ones that she had not seen for quite some time. She had Alzimers, and her one request was to be able to die with dignity and grace. Since her wishes were known to the Doctor and Nursing Home, she was not "tethered" to this life indifinitely. She was able to "go home" with grace and dignity. Eventho she was not always"here and in the present", she knew she was loved by us.
Give your children the gift of Love and show them that even in grief, you can love and laugh, and cherish your memories of the one who has passed "through the veil".
With God's Peace and Love,
T.

I am very sorry for your loss. I hope with time, you will be able to remember him with a smile.
I was taken to a few funerals when I was a kid. It did move me much, but my need for information was satisfied by my parent's answers. Mom tells me that I asked all sorts of questions ... she basically answered most matter of factly, and some like ... his body's job is done, but his soul will be peaceful in God's house up there. The only thing that disburbed me was my parents crying and some other grown ups whom I looked up to. By seeing that weak side of them, I felt a little insecure. But now that I am an adult, I am glad I had that experience first hand. It humbled me and flavored my prespective about life.
I took my twin boys (then 2.5 years) to a funeral. I prepared them to expect me and other people to be in a sombre mood. I exlpained to them about the difference in body & soul, about moving on ... about death being a part of a greater journey ... about our attachments and feelings for the departed lady .... about my sadness and that I will miss her terribly but am happy for her because she is in peace now ... that she would like us to keep living wholesomely .... that she did her job well and that we need to continue doing our jobs .... that its normal for 'some' people to die one day, as it is for the babies to be born. (I don't think they can accept that mom & dad can ever die ... that would break their hearts - so I haven't graduated to that yet). It helped me to have my kids with me at that funeral ... a distraction that helped me keep my emotions under some control ... for the sake of my kids.
Its been more than a year and we often remember her fondly and I shed a tear or two but that does not stop us from going about our daily routines.
Funerals, if handled properly, can add a very valuable perspective in a child's life. I think it is important to involve them in this aspect of life. Your 1 year old is too young to take away anything from it ... but your 6 year old surely will.

I think it depends on your children. If they are like mine I wouldn't take them. I would depend on the family in the town you'll be going with to recommend an adult friend that won't be attending to step in and assist. Many people who know the family but aren't close to the deceased look for ways to be useful. If the kids can be well behaved for that amount of time then by all means take them.

I also have another suggestion. When my Mother-in-Law passed away I contacted a friend in Bartlesville and asked her to come help. She didn't know my M-in-L but wanted to help. She stayed with us, ate with us at the family meal, and actually watched the kids at the church in the primary room while the funeral was going on. It was extremely useful. Do you have an adult friend that could travel with you and assist with the little ones?

This person could stay where ever you will be staying such as a hotel and then if you don't want the children to attend the service they could all find something to do, they could also attend the service and you could all sit in the back section and that way they can get up and move to the foyer if they need to.

Sorry to hear about your lost. :-(
If the only choice is to bring your young children with you, would there be a teenager that will not be attending watch them for you? Or if they have to go with you, have them bring colors and books to keep them occupied the best you can do. I hope the best for you and your family.

God Bless,
T.

my childrens grandfather just passed away also his services were yesterday. i am sorry for your loss. my kids are 6,6, and 2 we told them what happened and they understand everything however i dont see the point in letting them witness all the pain they will see in everyone around them they are little and they should be able to stay innocent as long as possible at a young age they still feel responsible in making others feel better and its not their job so dont put them in that situation. good luck and god bless your family!