My 30 year old daughter is about to have her second child. We moved here from overseas last fall to be within a 20 minute drive from her. We were all close until last fall. She demanded we have Zika tests ( we are in our 60’s!) bc we had been overseas. We did but she got angry because she thinks we had them two days early and thinks we hid that just to see them 2 days early. In fact I mailed her the tests results!! She had refused to see us or let us see our 7 yearold grandson and also is not talking to anyone on her side of the family. She has always been stable, highly intelligent, a great mom. She, her husband and all his family won’t answer calls. I am concerned and would like to know she is alright. I sent a gift insured and it wasnt picked up. I am wondering what she has told our grandson. I am very undecided whether to keep trying or back off. In these days is it inappropriate for me to go to her house or the inlaws house without her answering our calls? Not the way she was raised. What to do besides pray?
Thank you all for responding and so quickly. What a wonderful community. Such a help. I am pretty certain there is no current abuse of any kind. The family is very closed to outsiders compared to mine - we welcome the UPS driver in for coffee, but we have never had a coffee with anyone in the inlaws family except that we were in the same ballroom at the wedding. And yes like all lives, there are other issues from the past ( her dad left when she was a toddler, she was 20 and not happy when we went to the 3rd world to rescue other peoples kids) so yes there is a lot of healing her heart needs. If you pray, please do! But I agree with you all I should stay a distance while being here for her when she may want. I will leave my vision and hope of being one big happy family with the inlaws with the Lord and be happy for her that she has them. There is also a transition for moms when your baby is fully an adult with her own family and the times have so changed in the USA in these 10 years as well, so I so appreciate you all and will keep your situations in prayer. Thank you.
You left the US when she was 20? and have been gone the past 10 years??? How were you all close until last fall then??? I don't understand that part. Otherwise I'd say she probably felt like you abandoned her for that past 10 years......and now you show up and want everything perfect.
weird indeed. i'm wondering what more there is to the story.
the fear over Zika sounds a bit over the top, but the suspicion that you had hidden the results is downright crazy. why would she think you would do any such thing?
is there any other reason she would cut you off so completely?
absolutely do not involve her in-laws. this is between you and your daughter, and involving them will almost certainly push her further away.
i think it's important to respect her boundaries. it could be pregnancy hormones, which would be great, or it could be that her husband is abusing and controlling her, which is terrible. but without knowing more you can't make assumptions.
it's a pity you moved so far and yet have gone 6 months without contact. i hope you like it there for other reasons.
without more information, i think all you can do is to keep the door open and try not to judge (or at least not to let the judgment show.) send her letters that express love, and not a hint of guilt tripping. apologize for any perceived wrong and assure her that you will abide by her boundaries.
i hope it works out.
khairete
S.
It's strange.
It seems you were closer when you were overseas than you are now that you are 20 min away.
Whose idea was it for you to move and to where?
The whole zika business sounds like an excuse.
On the one hand - I'd like to know what's going on with her.
On the other hand - I wouldn't want to push myself in where she doesn't want me.
You've been living here for 6 months and your daughter has cut you off.
In your place - I'd be really mad to have gone to all this trouble only to be brushed off.
I don't know what her side of the story is - would be nice to know what it is.
Daughter issue aside - are you happy where you are?
Are you putting down roots in your new community?
Do you like the weather (winters in Wisconsin are something I would not enjoy).
If not - consider moving to somewhere that makes you happy and where the winters aren't as brutal.
Do it for your own life style and happiness - and don't worry about her convenience or her opinion.
I'm not sure why she's flipped out but keep her on your Christmas card list - send cards for birthdays (cards only - don't worry about gifts - maybe a savings bond for college costs someday) - but don't go out of your way for her.
Don't contact anyone - you don't want to appear needy or desperate - I'd wait for her to come to me.
In the mean time - live your life, make friends, enjoy yourself.
Your daughter wants distance. Honor that boundary. Definitely do not talk with her husband family! To do so creates drama which your daughter definitely will not like.
My daughter sometimes tries to pick a fight. I say nothing and leave. The longest that she has not talked with me was 3-4 weeks. I don't call her. I definitely do not bring or send gifts. She would likely feel I was bribing her.
Before I started just walking away, I told her that was what I was going to do.i told her I love her and didn't want to fight. She was even angrier the first few times. Now, it's a routine and we no longer fight. I've also learned her buttons so I don't bring up those subjects at all.
I suggest you text or write a short note saying you love her and will wait until she contacts you. I would apologize for my part of the argument/fight. Then back off and wait for her to come to you.
If you moved to be close to you, she may feel that you won't respect her boundaries. I would expect, after she contacts you, to not call often. Gradually build a relationship comfortable for both of you. Be willing to talk about how you feel and what you want. Listen to her talk. Find a central place to meet both of your wants.
Consider that a long distance relationship is different and easier in some ways than in person relationships. She may be acting differently because you now live close. Did she know you were moving? If this was a surprise, she may need time to accept the move. How long has it been since you were physically together? We do change as we get older and have different experiences.
I wouldn't jump to the conclusion her husband is abusing her, keeping you away. Do you know her husband? Were you comfortable with him in the past?
I know not talking and not seeing her will be difficult. I suggest get some counseling to help you do this.
Could some other family member or friend tell you if she's OK?
I don't know how right it is but I would head to her house. Somethings not right. Zika is a mosquito born virus. And not easy to spread from person to person.
Since she is acting so far out of character I would suspect something.. You know your daughter.. If something seems off about how she's acting then investigate it and make sure she is ok and not being abused or something
Praying won't help anything except maybe make you feel better. Is your daughter normally an emotional wreck with you? You seem to think this is out of the blue. If it's abnormal, then I'd suggest you should look at your own behaviors. Moms don't cut off access to grandparents unless it's for a darn good reason, and all we know from your question is something sketchy about her demanding a Zika test - and the way you've worded it, you clearly didn't agree with her about that and thought she was being ridiculous. I'd start there.
Ah - just read your SWH - so you left to rescue other people's kids instead of staying with her? Yeah, I get it now. My in-laws have decided to travel the world and have been doing that for the past four years. They think they're awesome grandparents because they leave checks for the kids and send them postcards once a month. Meanwhile, I think they suck because they're totally missing their grandkids childhood and have not been available when we've needed them most, all the while repeating how they'd do anything for us - even though they don't show up even when we ask them to. I don't want their money or gifts when they won't give of themselves. It's noble of you to rescue other people's kids, but clearly she feels you've abandoned her when she needs you. I'd be pissed at you, too, quite frankly.
If I had an argument with my mother, and wanted space ... then I would want my mother to respect my need for space.
The last thing I would want is for my mother to contact my husband's family. How many of them have you called?
I would not want my mother stopping by my in-laws' homes.
I would not want gifts. I also wouldn't want my mother coming to my home.
I would just want my boundaries to be respected. Then, when I was ready, I'd reach out.
How bad was this argument?
I guess I'm not following. Do you feel he's abusing her? I'm not getting how that's related to the Zika tests.
I do think you will delay her reaching out to you, by not respecting her boundaries. I also think the more people you involve, on both sides (the more family members), the longer this will draw out. It will just create more drama. That's my personal thought.
** If you do anything, you could send a note, apologizing for anything you said/did that hurt her (just own your part) and say you never 'intended' to - do not go over anything in detail - move on ... and just say you're here when she's ready. Wish her well with the baby and hope family is well. That's it. No "Love to see grandson" or anything like that. No pressure.
I would stop by because this sounds very strange, I would want to make sure she is not being abused in some way.
My first thought, because this is so out of character for her, is that she is being controlled by her husband and possibly his family. I think I would check things out. Really strange......
How heartbreaking!! I would respect her boundaries and not stop by. Perhaps periodically send her loving letters and cards. I would only express love in the letters and no guilt or anger.
I would take the gifts over to her house. Knock on the door as though nothing is wrong and see what happens.
In my opinion she is being paranoid, Wisconsin has not had any cases of Zika that I know of.
I would stop by her house because this whole thing sounds very strange. I would at least want to make sure she is alright, even if she was mad at me. Maybe it would be enough just to catch sight of her, so you know she is OK. But I don't think it's wrong to knock on her door, at all. You're seeking her out of concern. If you see she's OK and she just wants to you leave, then you leave. Does she work? Is there any way you can discreetly find out if she's been still going to work?
I don't know why she is so fixated on the concern you may have Zika. But since she is, I'd just periodically get tested and send test results certified to her home and/or work, along with a card that you miss her and would like to see her and her family.
If you're still getting nowhere, try texting her after some time has past. She may answer a text before she is ready to speak to you or see you.
I would not send any more gifts if she's still giving you the freeze out. Give it some time, and hope her anger lessens with time, and at some point she will be ready to have a reasonable conversation with you so you can understand what's going on and hopefully move past it.
I would just send cards/letters or gifts to your grandson only, then he’ll know you were thinking of him. She shouldn’t punish her son by keeping him from you just because she has an issue, not fair to him! Maybe, just add a line in the cards/letters for your grandson, that you love her too, no matter what!
Good Luck & Hopefully it all works out soon!
Updated
I would just send cards/letters or gifts to your grandson only, then he’ll know you were thinking of him. She shouldn’t punish her son by keeping him from you just because she has an issue, not fair to him! Maybe, just add a line in the cards/letters for your grandson, that you love her too, no matter what!
Good Luck & Hopefully it all works out soon!
