Should I Mind My Own Business? Question About MIL

I guess it would depend on your level of comfort with SIL and Hubby. Obviously being an "outsider" makes it a sticky situation. Maybe doing some research on her (MIL) specific diagnosis and obtaining some literature on it that could be given to them may help. You could say something like "I came across this and thought you might like to read it." Sometimes people just need the facts in black and white MINUS opinions. If that doesn't work and you are able to take the direct approach without a blowup I would just do it. I don't know a whole lot on memory issues other than it usually gets worse. The negative reaction from MIL you have observed can't be good! I sympathize for you....

You're right on with this. 2 suggestions: a meeting of this poor woman's children with her doctor would be in order and the doctor should diagnose her and try some of the early-dementia medication to see if it will slow down this process. It may be too late for that, but worth asking. Second, the book THE 36-HOUR DAY
can be very useful in explaining dementia and how it can't be helped and what caregivers go through. I gave it to some ladies who thought their mom was playing games with them, and it totally changed their attitude. Good luck!

I think you should speak up out of concern for you MIL. Talk to your husband first, and let him know you want to speak with SIL. To her, I would say something empathetic, like "I wonder if there is something I can do to help with MIL? You seem a bit short tempered with her, and I thought you may be feeling overwhelmed." or "I noticed how aggitated you become when MIL repeats herself and was worried that her mental state may be declining. Do you think we should take her to the doctor to see if we can get her some help? Is there something I can do?" I don't think you can say anything without offering to help in some way. If your MIL has Alzheimer's she should be diagnosed ASAP. I have seen familys treat their sick elderly relatives like this because they are in denial about what is really happening. Definatley advocate for her if you think this may be the case.

Sounds like seeing a doctor for a diagnosis is a great idea. I may add also that maybe your SIL needs a break from time to time. Maybe you can offer to come and sit with your MIL or take her some where for the day to let your SIL get a clear head and then maybe she won't seem so frazzled or annoyed.

Hi B.---Sounds like your MIL needs an advocate. First, I sure hope that she's been to a doctor that they know what is going on. I am not a fan of most medications, but if she does have alzheimers, these meds seem to slow the progression of the disease considerably. It IS very hard to deal with someone who is losing mental capacity and even though they may seem oblivious at times, they DO know that something is wrong and being short-tempered with them does not help them at all.

I think the whole family should be getting help from a support group on how to deal with a loved one who is suffering from dementia. Your SIL needs some help from time to time. If there is insurance, you should be able to get home health care...BUT, a doctors visit and diagnosis is needed for that. In the meantime, some dietary changes could help slow the progression of the disease as well. If you would like to know more about what constitutes that optimal diet, feel free to contact me. I am taking a series of wellness classes, taught by a Naturopath who has her PhD in Nutrition. Much healing can be facilitated by our diet, but the Standard American Diet does not contain the nutrients necessary for that. There are many negative ingredients in food that challenge our health.

Good luck. I wish you well. D.

Ginny B & Jamie P both gave you good suggestions. Speak with your husband first, expressing your genuine concern. Its not easy for children to watch their parent go through this. I lived it with my dad. It is frustrating and stressful, more so when the caregivers don't understand about the disease. That's why getting to the appropriate doctor and getting more information is imperative. Then your husband and SIL can change their reactions to your MIL's behavior and and she won't get so flustered. Its important to remember her reality is real to her, even tho the rest of you know better. Amanda C is correct about giving your SIL a break - be it you, a trusted friend, or in home care, your SIL needs respite care herself. Good luck.

I'd say step in when it's your husband... since he's in the same boat you are (aka not living with her). Your SIL, otoh, is in a completely different situation... so I would not feel it was my place unless it was abusive.

You should see if they'd be willing to take a class on dementia. They are very educational and help you learn to cope with it, how to address the person without getting flustered or flustering them, etc... My grandma got a lot out of it when caring for my grandpa. You don't have to say, you do it wrong let's go to a class to learn to do it right. Instead find out about the class and suggest they go so they can learn to communicate better with mom's condition and be less stressed out by her.

Best wishes. Oh, and start with husband, and have him invite sister. Its your business to talk to your spouse about this, but it could be bad when dealing with his sister...all depends on how close you two are.