Should I Get Involved in Dad and Step-mom's Constant Fighting?

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She is just venting...say as little as possible...be good "listener" and then just let it go. You are only hearing her side of it and you don't need to get in the middle of it. She is the only one who knows whether she wants to stay with him or not...she has to be the one to ulimately make the decision. Think about what you would want her to do if the situation were reversed...if you were venting to her about something that was bothering you in your marriage, you wouldnt want her to go to your husband and talk with him about it would you?? Just let her know you care and that you are there for her...that is all you can do for either one of them.

Don't get in the middle, except to express sympathy when either of them unloads on you. They've been together 25 years, and know the drill. Your dad won't change if you give him this shocking new information. Your MIL may stick it out until they die. That's up to them.

My ex-husband and his second wife throw this kind of stuff at my daughter, and for years she's kept her cool and just listens and sympathizes. If she were to suggest any kind of solution that would possibly be interpreted as favoring one or the other, she'd be the bad guy, and they'd use whatever she says in their future fights.

Be good to yourself. They're grownups. Sort of, anyway. Let them do marriage, and maybe divorce, their own way.

Oh man! What a situation to be in!!!

You CAN teach old dogs new tricks - your dad may need counseling to learn how to control his tongue - your MIL, well, she needs a backbone and be like you and not put up with it. She is ALLOWING him to treat her that way and until she corrects him and tells him to buzz off - he will continue to do it.

I know my parents have been married for 53 years. I love my dad dearly-he's still my hero - but there are times when he can be a rude SOB and I treats my mom in a condescending manner - I told him NOT around me. I told my mom to put him in his place. She's doing better at it and he's learning not to be such a butthead sometimes. He's been retired for 10 years now and is underfoot all the time! I told my mom she HAS to tell him to buzz-off!!!

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Oh man! What a situation to be in!!!

You CAN teach old dogs new tricks - your dad may need counseling to learn how to control his tongue - your MIL, well, she needs a backbone and be like you and not put up with it. She is ALLOWING him to treat her that way and until she corrects him and tells him to buzz off - he will continue to do it.

I know my parents have been married for 53 years. I love my dad dearly-he's still my hero - but there are times when he can be a rude SOB and I treats my mom in a condescending manner - I told him NOT around me. I told my mom to put him in his place. She's doing better at it and he's learning not to be such a butthead sometimes. He's been retired for 10 years now and is underfoot all the time! I told my mom she HAS to tell him to buzz-off!!!

My gram and step-grandpa went through the same thing. Here's what I learned...

1) STAY OUT OF IT! If they get hypercritical in your home or in front of your family, then you can step in and say, "You know, Dad, that was awfully mean. How would you like your granddaughter to hear that from her husband someday? No? Perhaps you could rephrase that..."

2) Encourage them to find hobbies that give them some apart time.

3) Encourage both of them to be evaluated for mental health issues. When my step-grandpa got like this, my gram had him "tested" for dementia, Alzheimer's and the like. Turned out he had early stage Alzheimer's. In the end, my step-grandpa rejected this diagnosis, but it was a clear head's up to him to start playing nice again.

4) If your stepmom does decide to move away, don't stand in her way. My gram would often take trips to see me for a week, without my step-grandpa, just to decompress.

This is not to say one is/was totally at fault, but it's hard to "just let it go" when the criticism happens day after day. My gram even discussed divorcing my step-grandpa and she was almost 80!

In the end, my gram is in 24-hour care for severe dementia; she doesn't know who anyone is. My step-grandpa can still live on his own but, thanks to his years of criticizing (and a stern refusal to treat his Alzheimer's), has very few people who will actually visit him. They're a cautionary tale of "you reap what you sow." If sharing this with your dad will help him unlearn some bad habits, feel free to do so.

Good luck (and put on your teflon super-woman suit...you're going to need it!)

Hi:

I had the same situation going on with an aggressive dad and passive mom. They have been married over 60 years. One day, in a non threatening manner, my brother and I, pointed out that how he was treating our mom was disrespectful. We didn't yell, just said, "dad, that wasn't nice, maybe you can ask her again in a nicer tone, you don't need to order her around or be rude." After a few reminders, he started to get the hint. He has (at least in front of us) really changed towards her. I think older men have a "I am the king" attutude and need to learn that their wives are not their peons and deserve to be treated respectfully. So, if I were you, I would not tell your dad that your stepmom confided in you, but look for an opportunity to gently point out how rude he is to her. You can even do it after the fact one-on-one. And, you can even give him an example of how he can ask the same question in a kinder way.

Best of luck, M.

Good luck.

Stay out of it.
You can not help and they will both blame you what ever happens.

I know he is alittle older but maybe he needs a little profesional help to see how he is efecting the happyness of his wonderful wife try to sit him down and tell him you love him and his wife very much and you want them to be happy together and for your family happy good luck A. no hills