One of my uncles (step-uncles, actually) passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly today. Although we had been related for a long time and it was always pleasant to see each other, we were not close — I had not seen him or his wife and kids more than 4 or 5 times in the past 15 years. The funeral is being held out of state this weekend, about a 9 hour drive each way from my home. Last-minute plane tickets for my family or even just me are too expensive to consider. We have some frequent flier miles but had already earmarked them for another occasion.
I was willing to drive, but my parents urged me not to. They said they appreciated the thought but that it was not necessary to travel so far, especially right before we host Christmas at our house. I took them at their word and did not make plans to go, but I have a nagging guilt about missing it. If you were in this situation, would you try to go anyway? Is it reasonable not to? I am honestly conflicted.
Thanks for all the reassurance! I did not go to the funeral and am glad that I took the wisest course of action. We will be making a donation in my uncle's name.
I had a couple of relatives die this past year, in state, that were much older than me. I didn't go, I couldn't afford hotel bills and other expenses associated with traveling. Send a nice card and perhaps a plant if the spouse likes them. Otherwise they'll end up being left or given away so don't bother.
Nope....no need to go, no need to feel bad. You were not close, too expensive, too far, and mom and dad said not necessary.
I missed my dad's memorial service in October. I'd flown down to California the week before to be with him before he passed away. His wishes were for me not to come all the way back for his funeral. My finances are stretched pretty thin and he understood. And he told the rest of my family not to expect me to fly back so no one pressured me to be there.
It's sad to miss out on such an occasion but there's no need to feel guilty. Perhaps you can honor your uncle by writing down some fond memories of him and sharing them with your aunt or cousins.
Guilt should only be felt if you did something interntional to hurt another human being.
In this case, you have every right to protect your finances and your family by not going. Your parents have confirmed that it doesn't make sense for you to make the 9 hour drive.
I think you are ok not to go.
I would send flowers or make a donation in his name and send a card. No one wants you to go in debt for a funeral, especially if you weren't very close.
Send food or flowers, call, send a card. That's been my routine for yrs.
No.....there are other things you can do to convey your condolences and be respectful to your family.
Do not feel bad or guilty about not being there. Just send your condolences and they will understand.
you know I often do not go to funerals that are far away or even those that are in the same town but just mess up our family schedule. I am the main caregiver for my kids.. so if I am not here .. things do not go as smoothly.
I would not upset our whole family schedult to go to a funeral. I would send flowers and a card.
I know how you feel with guilt. My favorite uncle died and had an out of state funeral. I didn't go because of the distance and my father, his brother is already deceased. But I felt guilt because he was my fav. If I were you, I would send flowers to his funeral visitation with a nice sentiment from you and your family. The rest of the family will appreciate it and understand that you were with them in spirit.
Check Greyhound the prices are usually really good.
Funerals are for the living, a chance to say good-bye. It is totally up to you to go or not. We buried my Mom a year ago today so I know how hard it is to lose someone during the holidays. Even though you haven't been close I know your aunt and cousins will appreciate seeing you or any flowers you send.
Not sure when the funeral is, but could you write a memoir about some wonderful things he did and send that? perhaps it could be read and you can explain you are unable to make it. I have been to many a funeral where these things happen, a nice letter is read but the person isn't present and people feel the love.
Don't feel guilty. He knows you loved him
Don't go. Send a card. It's up to you if you want to send a monetary donation. I wouldn't send plants. Everyone I've ever known who received plants after someone passed away hated it because the plants all inevitably die... and if that's not an issue for them being a hardy plant, that particular reminder was not really welcome to have to tend to. My mother, mother-in-law, best friend, several other friends, and other relatives have all always complained loudly whenever they were given plants of any kind as funeral gifts or memorial plants.
No way should you feel guilty. You were not close with him. It is awful that he passed so close to Christmas, but you truly do have to take care of your immediate family first.
All you can do is really all you can do.
Maybe send flowers.
Sounds like logistically, it was just about impossible to be there right now.
Ah! If only we could clone ourselves!
I wouldn't feel bad about not going after I've put serious thought into it. Send a card, a floral arrangement and try to connect via telephone to wish them well during their grieving period.
If you can find a place that might deliver meals to the family, that might be a nice thing. I am sure they understand. Don't feel guilty.
Do not feel guilty. Nine hours each way is a lot of driving. I am sure everyone understands.
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Do not feel guilty. Nine hours each way is a lot of driving. I am sure everyone understands.
No, don't feel guilty at all. You have a family and it's right before Christmas and you barely knew him. Send a card, flowers if you really feel bad, but I think that is more than sufficient. Sorry to say, I think it's not worth all the effort on your part to get there, given the type of relationship.
Do not feel guilty. It's okay that it is too inconvenient, too expensive..... whatever the reason. They are valid reasons. It's okay.
I would feel torn too though. Natural to feel that. Try to let it go.
When I cannot make an out of state funeral I always send a fruit basket to the home. Maybe this could be an option for you.
