I have asked a similar question before. But i want to ask all you astute guys another!
I moved over from the UK almost 5 years ago. My husband is from texas and he had moved there after we married because i had a well paying job that i loved and had taken a lot of schooling(podiatrist) he stayed for 6 years, but no word of a lie, complained every day how much he hated it, missed his family, hated the weather etc etc.
So we decided to move back to texas, knowing full well i would have to give up my job, home, family and everything else i knew. Also i would have to give up my career which i loved as podiatrists in the uk are not classed as doctors and i would basically have to start over.
We agreed i would be a sahm until my kids are school age, which i have, but now i want to go back to school. My husband works an hour away and the school i want to go to is about 45 minutes further on.
It is a masters degree, in a field i am very interested in. But to drive that far every day galls me, and i asked my husband if we could move for the 2 years it would take and he said no way. He likes it where he is and is never moving. We live next to his parents in a 2 bedroom trailer. It is nothing special. We do live on 10 acres which is great for the kids, but we could come back on weekends.
He is not absolutely against me going to college, but wants me to go to the One near where he works( still an hour away, still he wont move) which would be an associates degree.
The money we would save On gas would cover rental something reasonable.
He doesnt want to change our sons school, he hates change in every way.
Am i being unreasonable, should i commute just for the sake of it when we could all have an easier life, is it worth the arguments?
Excuse any spelling boo boos i wrote this on my ipod!
What is the master's degree that you want to obtain? Is it available from an online school? I'm finishing up my PhD from an online university, so never have had to drive to classes.
If you end up choosing the long commute, there are a lot of good books on tape or CD you can listen to to make the drive go by quickly!
I am totally on your side here. You have sacrificed a ton for him to move over here for him...he can't move an hour away for you?? He would still be close enough to mommy and daddy to see them frequently. And you are in a trailer! Not like you are in a house or anything. Can the trailer be moved perhaps??
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Love is not the key to a successful marriage--compromise is. You as a couple need to figure out the 'give and take' of your relationship. It sounds like you've fallen into the trap of one member of the couple is on the losing, unhappy side of the situation when the other gets their way. To me, a viable marriage wouldnt have one spouse happy if the other is unfulfilled; it should bother one if the other is unhappy.
I think since you moved countries for him, he should be able to compromise. But thats easier said than done. Im on your side, but it might be hard to convince hubby. Good luck!
My sister and her husband moved 4 hours from their home for 3 years so that my BIL could finish college. It was hard, but they did it.
You moved from a different continent, but your husband is unwilling to move an hour away? Does your husband really and truly want to see you succeed? I hope he does. I also hope that he is grateful to you that you would move from a successful job in a great profession to live in a 2 bedroom trailer next to his parents.
I think if you want to go to school for 2 years, although it's far, you should suck it up and go to the school you want, but why on earth would you want to move your kids, change their school, take them away from their grandparents, who hopefully will help during this time of sacrifice by watching them for you when you leave for school and before hubby gets home, for just 2 years. I know it seems lik ea long time, but it really isn't.
Moving for 2 years, then what?
Moving back?
Your kids will be uprooted too. And from their grandparents and friends and life.
Is that okay?
You would have a 2 hour commute?
That is long.
It is for a Master's degree.
Big difference from an Associates.
Will the Master's Degree, than mean, you will be a Podiatrist here and be able to practice in the USA? For real?
( you did not specify, what kind of Degree, you are wanting, now).
Your Husband, if I read your post correctly, moved to the UK for you... for 6 years. For your schooling & job you had there. He did it. Even if he did complain about it. He did it.
That is really, commendable of him.
Now you want him to move, again. For you/your school/your degree.
He does not want to.
He already did that. For 6 years.
I would really want to know, IF your schooling, will really actually mean that you will then be able to do Podiatry in the USA and be licensed etc.??? Or is it just a degree?
Big difference.
And once you get your degree, will you then, get a job IN your field, and are there jobs available, in your field???? There, where you live?
Can you do your Degree, online?
I applaud you for your drive and ambition. I fully support your decision to go back to school. And I totally think he should make an effort to support you in some way. The only thing I'm not sure about is whether the move is good for the children. How is the quality of the new school for the kids? How old are they? I think younger kids are less affected by moves (but I could be wrong). Also, once you are in school, who takes care of the kids? I went to grad school while working full time. Believe me, it was no picnic! Grad school was a full time job in itself. Mine was in engineering and no way I could've done it while taking care of kids full time. Be that as it may, if you think you can handle it, have you consider scheduling classes so you only have to be on campus two days a week or 3? All my graduate classes were either MWF, MW, or TTh. One of my college professor did exactly this. She lived 2hrs away, so she only came on campus twice a week.
You said "He is not absolutely against me going to college". Is he somewhat against it? Is that why he's not willing to move? -- Was he not working in the UK? Was he not happy when you made more $ than he? Could this be an issue? -- Sorry this is a conjecture on my part.
Yes, he moved to the UK for 6 yrs, but to complain everyday?? That negates the gracious act of moving there to support you.
Best wishes.
I didn't even read your responses, so don't know if my opinion is in line with everyone else or not. I think it is VERY reasonable to consider a 2 yr. move. Especially if it's agreed that this is temporary and you rent something while holding onto your current place. OT is a great field to go into with great demand right now (I'm a PT). Good luck; you're a brave woman to go to grad school with small kiddos!
I don't think you are being reasonable. My husband is the same way and it makes things really hard sometimes. Good luck
A marriage is really about compromise. My husband is a current full time student and I have given up a lot to help him get through it such as the plan on owning my own home by the time I'm 30 (only if I win the lotto in the next 7 months now) or being able to actually live where I want to (in the country). But I'm still in an area that I like and it's with the knowledge that it's only temporary. In the end, it will represent only a small portion of our time together so I long ago accepted that right now it's my husbands turn but soon, in a few years, it will be my turn! :D
Your husband really needs to look at this closer. He sounds like he's being rather selfish to not even consider it. Especially when one thinks of how expensive gas is getting! Really, 2 years in the long run is not bad even if the kids do have to change schools. It's really not that bad unless they have to do it a lot but it sounds like they would have to only do it twice, once when you move for college and then when you move back "home" so I don't see a problem there. Unless one of your children is special needs. Then I would definitely stay put if they already have a good supportive network in place. It's so hard to build good foundations for special needs children with professionals they actually like and respond to. I wouldn't want to start over for that!
You have given up so much to be with your husband and it's sad he's not as willing to do so with you. If he just absolutely refuses to move, it's not worth splitting up over so I would go with the commute. It's just not worth the arguments. But I would try to reason with him first. When my husband went back to school he moved us across town into a student family housing unit and I absolutely hated it. But I put up with it because that was the thing that made the most sense. Our finances did change a little recently though so we were able to move into a duplex off campus and I could have my pets back. Yay! :D
Good luck with your decision and I hope all works for you.
Lets think about this- a two bedroom trailer on 10 acres or a masters degree and earning opportunity. Is there really a question as to what your husband should be manning up and doing?
I'm not sure whether your family should move or not- there are a lot of factors to consider, which I think your husband should be open to discussing instead of just refusing to move. But as to not moving because of your kids... my father was in the military so we moved about every 2 years, and I went to three different high schools- and I loved it. It wasn't always easy to move- but I think it's a great experience for kids, and adults- to experience new places and meet new people, and be open to change. As a teen I actually felt bad for the kids who had lived in the same place their whole lives. Sometime not moving for the kids sake is important- especially as one pointed out if they are special needs, but moving and going to new schools can be a great experience too. I just didn't want you to think that moving is always bad for kids- it can be great too.
Is there a closer school to you for your master's degree? Or, does the school that is 2 hours away from you offer classes once or twice a week? For example, does your masters degree program offer Saturday classes? That wouldn't be so bad if you had to drive there every Saturday. Sorry about your situation. It's tough.
Don't give up who you are and what you want to do for someone else. You will regret it later and eventually blame them for holding you back. Keep talking to him and make him understand that this is what you want to do. You want to better yourself not only for you but also to help contribute to the family dynamic. Don't give up your dreams!
If you go ahead and begin attending the school that is the longer commute, your husband may change his mind. The cost and the time you are gone could influence him. As for kids and moving, I totally agree that moving is good for kids. We moved ours three times from elementary to high school, the last move during high school. They learned to make friends easily, and the end result was that going to college was no big deal. It was just starting to another new school! I agree with one post, marriage is all about compromise. However, I am married to one who doesn't understand that. I started and stopped attending college several times to accommodate him. I didn't graduate until I was 50 yrs old and all my kids were gone. But I did it! I do feel it is more important to put the marriage at the top of the list of priorities. These days too many are going asunder.
Out of all his reasons the only one I can agree with is the move affecting your sons. How old are they? Changing schools is really difficult for kids.
