Short Term Planning

My husband also has no interest in discusses finances or our future. I've finally decided to just make plans that I think will work for us as a family. I know this may be avoiding the real underlying issue and I'm not even sure what that is, maybe depression, but at this point I'm really tired of trying to make a life for us and waiting on him so that we can get started, so I'm just forging ahead by myself. Sorry, that probably doesn't help you much, but good luck!

I agree with most of the reponses so far. Go ahead & set your own goals. There is never a drawback when you have something positive to strive for!

But I haven't read this suggestion, yet, regarding your husband. First, do you guys normally talk well about "bigger" ticket items? Not just the weather, who's picking the kids up, what to have for supper, etc., but deeper life issues? If not, then maybe he's just not used to it. Or if you have talked about things like this in the past, then I really think you need to talk to him some more. Don't talk with the expectation that you're going to get goals out of him, but talk to him about what is keeping him quiet. Maybe he's scared/not ready to think about mid-life types of decisions. Or his children being in high school. Or moving away from family(?), friends, co-workers, etc. I guess I'm suggesting to try a different approach and empower him to take the lead in the discussion. You may have to wait a while. Just be patient & pray about it. Let him know this is important to you & you'd love to work it out together. Just pray & give him some time & support.

Good luck!

It sounds as if your husband is happy the way things are and doesn't have any interest in self improvement.So after all the kids are in school full time you should go for the gold and do what you can to better educate your self. When children become teenagers they get a lot more expensive to care for, they will have the "I wants" and as a good Mom you will want them to be happy. Enough said.

I would keep trying and find out why he doesn't want to discuss it. He may just not feel the need, which expressing your concern about it, seriously, hopefully will make him see his need to either take charge of it or ask you to do so. He could feel overwhelmed by the financial jargon, not everyone understands this all easily, and perhaps that is why he procrastinates. If you are more comfortable or knowledgeable in the financial arena, then express that to him and offer to handle it on your own, or to gather the information and present it to him privately where he can have time to comprehend it before being "pressured" to sign anything. In fact, perhaps you should so some research on your own before bringing it up again. Then you can show him some "bottom line facts" (most men want "just the facts ma'am!) of a couple of options and then decide together which is best.
One other thought, he may not be ready to admit he has reached "middle-age" (who of us is???) and should start making these plans! :) Hope you get him to consider these important issues.

I'm like your husband a little, too. He's probably feeling overwhelmed with the number of choices and doesn't know what to choose or where to start. Maybe he also doesn't want to show you that he doesn't have answers. Maybe he doesn't want to disagree about his answers/your answers. Maybe even the short term goals are too broad, or there aren't enough reasons to change where or how you live.
Hope this helps: Each goal has a number of subset goals. For instance, saving for kids' college means a bunch of decisions, but are there immediate needs? Like fixing the roof or waterproofing the basement, paying off a credit card, etc. As you're getting those things addressed, on to college saving and 1) figuring out how much you can realistically save each month, 2) finding a few college accounts or college plans (there are zillions, but maybe start with a 529 thru your state), 3) requesting paperwork and comparing plans/rates/expenses/taxes, 4) discussing and enthusiastically agreeing, 5) filling out and signing papers, 6) signing up for direct deposit.
Same with moving, school, etc. Hopefully it gets easier for him. Best of luck!!

I have no answers, just a few comments. I also have kids the same age, and think about my next few years coming especially when both kids will be in school full time. I am also a stay at home mom. I had a full time career before having kids.

The topics you want to talk about with your hubby have one common thread: money. Money is a very overwhelming topic for many people. Particularly men because they often feel the weight of having to earn it all (thinking they do). Perhaps if you can on your own figure out money needs, budgets and how your family may need to grow in this direction, you could provide a comfortable way of presenting it to your hubby so he would feel not so "walls up" about the future. You would also discover what his worries may be in the process.

One thing I have done for myself is taken the time to put a current resume together and have begun research on how I may apply my skills in the future. It has made my feel prepared for unexpected opportunities. I will be prepared to act quickly when something comes up or if I see something when the time is right.

You and your husband are a team. Consider "leader" and "follower" roles and where you each stand on the different marriage roles. Sometimes roles need to be adjusted, and this takes time to get used to change, temporary or not. Congrats on 19 years of marriage! Rock on!

We schedule meetings. My husband is better at it than I am. But we schedule meeting with agendas. And then we each come prepared to the meeting. If one of us doesn't come prepared the other gets to talk and their plan is the one that we start to follow. It motivates both of us to engage and realise that we have each been given a chance to have a say in how we move forward. If he is not prepared and we are discussing pre-schools, then the ones I found are the ones we tour and if he doesn't like them, then he should have come prepared and done research. It sounds a bit like a business, but it works and creates a sense of accountability by giving you partner time to prepare for the meeting and then choose to engage or not.

Don't wait on other people to get their thoughts together to go after your dreams. Think about what you want for your life, where you want to be in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, retirement, etc. Think about the things you want to accomplish for school, home, children's education, travel, etc.

Break down the things you want to do now and later. Then start thinking about the plannin required for each goal. What must you accomplish in 1 year? What must you accomplish per month? Per week? Make manageable goals week-month-year. Then combine those task lists for each goal into one calendar.

Give your husband tasks to complete for research, give him options to make decisions, etc. He may not have the desire to create goals. He might feel fine with working and family life without planning for the future. Many families are like that, but someone needs to take the initiative to think ahead. Your husband doesn't have to be there planning or setting goals with you. Write out your own to do list and encourage your husband to help you and the family out by completing tasks.

Tell him what you decided, show him the information or calendar, and ask for his feedback. If he agrees or shrugs it off, then go ahead on your way. Don't wait for him to catch up or join in. Making these plans will help you feel more secure and content with your future and your present.

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately your husband's reaction is not uncommon. I suspect it's not just a planning issue. If I were you, I would do some preliminary work of planning, and then set it aside for a bit. Your husband may be feeling overwhelmed and think that you want him to "fix things." He probably doesn't feel capable of doing all that. My husband used to feel like that too. After a long time of being frustrated I suddenly realized I needed to look at all the things I appreciated and admired about him, and start telling him. "I like that! I really appeciate it when you…, I enjoy when you…" Stuff like that. Also I realized that I couldn't hit him with too much at once. It's better to start by bringing up one issue of concern. My husband still doesn't like the terms goal setting, or planning, so I try not to call it that.

Also I'd recommend reading some good books about marriage and differences in men and women. Harville Hendrix is excellent. Books that come to mind are "Between Husband and Wife," (I think) and "Getting the Love You Want." Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus could also be helpful. There are others.

"I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better," by Gary and Joy Lundberg is an excellent little book about communicating with anyone--spouse, children, irritable neighbor, etc. (Amazon has it for $10.20)

You might try saying that you value his opinion and want to ask him about something that means a lot to you. IF he says "I don't know," try saying "Well then what would your best guess be?" or something like that.

Good luck. There are solutions, and you will find them. --K.

DONT let him hold you back! Go ahead and set your own goals and start accomplishing something. He may decide he wishes he had and even get a bit jealous. That can be motivating. You certainly can't make him.

I think you ALSO work on short term goals.....even a MONTH out. I do that with my clients. Short term goals are SHORTER than 3-5 years. Those are LONG TERM. If you don't do the short term, you won't tackle the long term. The short term will get you to the long term. Three to 5 years can seem overwhelming. SHORTEN your time......i.e.
By May 31st..........make it reasonable, even if it be something like, "contact so-&-so about". It's a start! You need to break it down into smaller, achievable tasks. Part of the reason he may be balking is that they ARENT broken down and he can see achieving them because he doesn't know how to get there. FORM A DETAILED PLAN OF ATTACK!

If he isn't interested right now it is because he is focused on the immediate future. With your children being as young as they are he is thinking about raising them and college funds etc not something so close.

Set your own goals, and remember they are goals for you to reach, not goals for him to reach. If he sees you working hard to realize your goals he will climb on the wagon with you. If you push goals for him to attain, further down the road than painting a room, mowing the lawn, resurfacing the driveway, etc. he will resent the whole idea and you too, eventually.

P. R

Well, if a person isn't the type who is goal oriented, you certainly can't change them into someone who is, just by sitting down and attempting to write goals out with him. I don't see a big deal in you being the goal setter in the family. As long as you're both not just sitting there ignoring the fact that the future needs focused on and planned for, then you're way ahead of a lot of other people in this world. My husband and I are both goal setters, but on totally different things. He owns his own company, so his goals are focused on taking the company to the next level, etc.. My goals are more on our future as a family, and also my own entreneurial goals. I flip houses, so I base my own goals on that as well. So, we don't sit and talk about goals together either, if that helps. We just do it on our own. As a matter of fact, we don't even read each other's goals, unless one of us meets a big one and shows the success to the other.

I have to tell you, your husband sounds like me at certain times. I hate to talk about money, I don't know why. I hate discussing budgets, even though I know how important they are.

Maybe your husband feels the same way. And maybe he just doesn't have the answers to what you are asking so he just keeps quiet.

I think if you feel that you have done everything you can to initiate conversation, then maybe just drop a bomb one day in passing and tell him that you have decided to go ahead and attend school again. That should wake him up. I would tell him before you sign up, because of course it's better to discuss such a decision with your spouse, (even though you have been trying to!)

If at that point he doesn't respond, then just do it! If it's important to you and you have tried to involve him with no luck, you need to move ahead. Maybe once he sees that you can juggle things, he'll want to get motivated also. That would the ultimate ending.

I think you are very smart wanting to prepare for the future. I am in my mid 40's and my husband is 50. Our children are spread apart by 10 years each and it's almost like a new family each time one graduates and goes to college. Unfortunately, we didn't prepare for this. So when things come up, we are constantly sweating it out, worried that we won't be able to pull whatever it is, off.

If you can avoid that kind of stress by taking your own steps forward, I'll just bet he will in turn start to be interested and probably want to move ahead himself also.

I hope this helps...

R.

Could be several issues. Meanwhile, I know this is very frustrating!!!
1. Mid-life crisis? He does not want to do "grown-up" planning, because it sounds so very responsible. He wants to have the sexy red midlife crisis motorcycle, and recapture youth, instead of facing adult future responsibilities.

2. He can't think that far ahead, something more immediate is bothering him. Job insecurity? Financial worry? can't plan if you are afraid of the future.

3. Depression? He cannot think ahead, because with depression you cannot THINK. Get counseling etc. for depression.

4. Intimidated because you might want to change status quo? May be depression, could be other things.

Action:
1. If above fit, then address accordingly.

2. "Honey, I have decided to go full-time to school, so I can finish sooner, and earn money. If I do, I need your help to cover 3 nights a week while I take the XYZ class next quarter. Can you do this?" You plan, you foresee what he would need to do to accommodate this, you ask if he can do it. Then, move forward. Start with small steps. Take turns accomplishing goals - what would you like to do next, honey? If he sees that you are starting to solve the future questions yourself, while involving him in support, then maybe he will get on board.

3. All work and no play..... Plan a fun vacation together. Not a 3 week tour of Europe, just out-of-town. reconnect as People, not just Mom & Dad. I used to "kidnap" my husband - tell him to clear his schedule for a certain evening, I picked him up at work, then I had the activities planned. Once, it was a concert. Could be just picnic barefoot in the park, watching the stars come out. Bottle of sparkling cider (no liquor in city parks), finger food, gourmet dessert. Music, blanket. Low cost, but break up the routine.

Family activity: "popcorn fight" - too cold for snowballs, pop a batch of cheap unflavored unbuttered popcorn, throw popcorn at each other! Leave it for the birds! No clean up! Just don't do it before rain is expected!

Beach night picnic on the living room floor! Break up the routines! Then get him involved, and have some future discussions later. Don't tie the discussions to the fun party, he will be too suspicious and resistant. Just have fun together. Move yourself ahead, tell him what you need from him before you leap, then start.

good luck!