Setting up Playdates When You Don't Really Know the Parents

My son has also just started having school friends. We started by meeting his school friend and his mom at inexpensive outings. Its been great to get to know the parents. We will be moving to in-home play dates soon.

I sent out 4 invites for a playdate in the park. it read something to the effect of Beautiful weather predicted for Thursday March 24, 2010. We are going to the park for a playdate at 2:30pm & would love for you to join us. Bring a snack & feel free to bring a friend. The more the merrier I always say. Hope to see you there. Any questions, call or email.... Then go & wait & see who is interested in the socialization. 3 of the 4 came for me & the 4th called & gave me her # so I could let her know the next time. It went well & one brought another mom. so we all visited & exchanged #'s etc. We are all real good friends now and our last park playdate had 8 moms come! We host some at our homes etc... & it is great for both the kids & us moms. best of luck.

you have to be honest & open, & never highly-verbally vocal in your parenting opinions. I will never forget the time I met a neighbor from the other end of our block! It was at a block party, & she actually said, "oh, I know which house you live in. I want you to know that I don't allow my children to play with just any family. But you seem nice, so maybe we could get together & see how I feel afterwards." !!!!

How's that for insane, rude, & just simply waaay over the top? So, please-please- use kindness & consideration when dealing with other families. By all means make it a "Mommy & Me" playdate...just be honest & open!

& as for the whole arranging playdates....99% of that depends on the type of neighborhood where you live. We live in a basic suburbia-type neighborhood with lots of children of different ages. We chose this area over living outside of town to provide our kids with playmates. BUT the problem is.....so many Moms work outside of the home that their time at home is limited & our kids seldom get to play together. That's how we ended up in preschool & other activities! Now that our son is older, he just barrels all thru the neighborhood....which is nice, but I still worry!

Maybe I'm weird, but we got a playdate invite from a friend at school and I went, I didn't even ask about it, we chatted and that was that. Then we had someone to our house, no question was asked and that parent stayed...I think at this age, it's is expected for you to stay. I do know parents that will offer for you to leave your child, but most expect you to stay as they would. The only time I've actually seen it mentioned was when they offered not to have you stay, in fact we had a play date with my babysitters son and I offered for her to just leave him to run errands or whatever for a while. PS, I actually have founds some great friends via playdates.

You are so right and such a good momma for being cautious with your child. So many parents just allow their children to go to playdates when they have no idea what type of environment they are sending their child into. Since the weather is getting nicer I suggest organizing a meeting at a park with the children, or take them out to lunch. Somewhere where the children can play and you can have the opportunity to get to know the mom or dad. If you do that for a while and then become comfortable with going into each others homes then I would allow it. Other then that I would never just let my child go to someones house that I did not know. Good luck and good decision!!

Yes, I, too, used to just go outside and play with the children in my neighborhood as a youngster, but it is a different world our children are growing up in today.

Invite them to your house first, but also invite the mothers for tea, or lunch at the same time, so you can get acquainted while the children play. Ask maybe 2 or three mothers at a time, (maybe making sure one of them is a friend you are already close to so she can help you keep the conversation going and give you her opinions after the others leave.)

Most good mothers are as apprehensive as you are about leaving their children with strangers, so they would welcome the chance to see your home and chat with you while their children play. I learned over the years that any parent who would just drop their child off with me before ever having an opportunity to meet and get to know each other, turned out to be some one that I did NOT want to leave my child at their home, nor did I even want my child playing with hers. It seems there always turned out to be something terribly wrong in those homes.

I have even had a mother drop her child at my home (unannounced .... the child just came to the door and asked if my child could play) then when I told the child I'm sorry, but we are leaving to go somewhere, the child told me his mother said to stay at my house until she came back. She had dumped him and drove off ! I had no idea where she was going, how long she would be gone, or even how to contact her ! I had never even met her ! I was fuming mad, and was stuck with that child most of the day.

So .... you are very right to want to check out these families carefully.

I never just drop off my kids at play-dates.
The play-dates we have are always a Mom-included thing too... and a nice respite for the Moms to just hang out and talk.
THUS, it is only with Moms that I do know.. that my daughter/son have befriended and which I feel comfortable with, instinct wise and seeing what kinds of kids they have themselves and seeing them around school.

Whenever you talk to other Moms.. it is, in the back of your mind, a "check-list" of if you think they are okay and good people AND if you "clique" with them as a person & their kid. THEN also you will know what friends are in class with your kids and the parents AND know who the kids are and if the kids are nice kids too.

I made for myself, a "parent card" or personal card... like a business card with my first name, cell number, and a generic 'anonymous' type e-mail address. Hotmail or Yahoo type. NOT ever my own home number or personal e-mail address.
You can order parent type cards, cheaply, from www.vistaprint.com
That way, IF you meet a parent you like and the kid... you can always extend an invitation to them and give them your "Mommy card." That is what I do.

I ALWAYS am present when I have play-dates and invite the Mom to stay... and I always stay/accompany my kids to their play-dates. My kids are 7 & 3.5
I never let them wander to another home, unattended if up the street or neighbors. But with MY personal friends, its okay. Because my kids grew up knowing them as part of our family.

All the best,
Susan

hi, i have the same exact concerns. the whole "playdate" thing is kind of wierd to me too, and theres no way im leaving my son at someones house that i dont know well. my solution is to beat them to it, invite them to you before they invite you over there. have fun :)

I have a 4 year old daughter who is in preschool. She has had a couple of playdates with a classmate. Once at our house, once at the other child's. Both mom's went with their child to the playdate.

You can just tell the other mom that your child is not comfortable going on a playdate alone yet so is it okay if you come along. I think that can be expected with younger kids. Or meet at a park instead if you feel awkward about going to someone's house that you don't know.

I would never send my child to someone else's house and be comfortable leaving him if I don't know the paren't very very well. I would just tell her that you could plan to meet at a park for an hour or two, or tell her that you're comfortable with her kids coming over.

You could ask if he and his mom want to come over, like for a lunch playdate. That way you could get to know the mom while the kiddos play. Y

ou could always arrange to meet her at a park, now that its starting to get nice out, and have a little picnic or something. Somewhere on neutral ground so that you can get to know each other and not feel too much pressure.

Thank you for asking this question! I too grew up in a different way and never had "play dates", we just played with the other kids in our neighborhood when we had permission. That being said, you are not alone.
I feel so silly, like I've missed the play date "rule book" some where. I've had several mom's ask if my son can come to their house for a play date, but to this day I've never taken them up on the offer yet. I feel like a bad mom, but I don't know these people well enough to leave my son at their house alone, and I have two younger children that I can't always leave with my husband while I supervise a play date with my son at some else's house.
I like the advise from the other mom's to ask the other parents to meet at a public park, or another public place, for a couple hours for the kids to play. That seems like a lot less pressure and you'll get the chance to talk with these other parents. And, if you're like me and have other children, they won't be excluded.
Good luck, and thanks again for asking this question. I'm looking forward to see the comments you get!

Things were different when I was a kid too:) My daughter is almost four now and I have always been present at her play dates when they are at other parent's homes. When they are at my home I have the parents present at my home as well. And sometimes we meet at the park or public place. I welcome (and require) the opportunity to get to know the other adults. I have a personal rule about not leaving my daughter alone with anyone that I haven't known for at least a year.(excluding preschool:) So far it has worked out well. I have gotten to know some parents pretty well over the past couple of years with this rule and now can leave her in their care for play dates sometimes.

Suggest to the mom that you have a coffee (substitute any beverage you like here lol) together while the kids have a play date. this does 2 things. Gives them the knowledge that your not expecting them to drop the kid and run. and also that you would like to get to know them better as a parent. good luck

Definitely don't drop your son off at someone's house you don't know! Instead meet at a park or some kind of indoor thing. Then stick around and get to know the mom. That way it takes the pressure off of not knowing the person and having to leave your son.

Others have probably said this, but set up the play dates at the park or places other than your home or his friends' home. That way, parents will all go and you can get to know the parents better while the little ones play!