Seemingly Alone?

well mom of three i lost my father September 11, 2005 to cancer. and in the last year my mom has made bad choices so my sister and i chose to not have her in our lives. my sister lives in Florida and my half brother lives in Ohio. I don't have any family here in Indiana and my sons dad lives in Georgia. i am single and have not found a man worth keeping. so when you say that you are sad and there is no one to call i totally understand. at least you have your husband and your children. mine is 4yr old and he does not understand why mom is sad or lonely. so just to let you know that you are not alone. have a happy holiday it will get better.

Sahm,
As I read your post my heart went out to you. You see about 13 yrs ago I too lost my best friend and confidont, my brother to a drunk driver. I am from a large family of six children but my brother Lane and I were always very close. When my children broke their first teeth or took their first walk he was the one I called first not my mom or my sisters. We could talk about anything and everything I even today I miss him still. The pain does pass Sahm, the memories always are with you and the assurance I had in putting my brothers "ghost" to rest was that in scripture the Lord states we will see them again. You see my brother was baptised just a couple months before his death and accepted the Lord Jesus as his Lord and Saviour. I know without a doubt I will be with him again and rejoice in his friendship again because of where I know he is waiting for the rest of us. The holidays are one of the most difficult times when you have lost a loved one, but the Lord says "I am with you always" you are never alone, He is always there and very real, and just waiting, trusting in Him is the best thing you can do not only for yourself but your family Sahm, because whether or not you believe in Him - He believes in YOU and LOVES you and He cares about what you are going through. Your life is Blessed Sahm with beautiful children, and from what you said a loving supportive husband, this kind of blessing can never be replaced by material things or the wishing of something or someone missing - grab hold tight to their smiles and hugs and let that love fill your empty spaces this holiday season. On the earthly matters of counseling, there are places that do give discounted prices to low income families, depression is a battle not easliy fought and sometimes people need the extra help of talking to someone not directly connected to a situation to help them see a different perspective that maybe others close to you can see. Give call to the local health department and they might be able to guide you to people that are there for you. God Bless you this wonderful Christmas season and be with you always.

J. P.

Dear one you are not alone I know your pain well and I once was like you ,maybe worse I was mad that the world went on when I felt like mine stopped my baby sis at 28 with 3 living boys was raped ,beaten ,then burned we had to hold off on her funeral 7 months because her body was sent to be studied for evidence we know who did this but no solid proff ,she was also with child inside her 6 month boy the only reason he was still there was her water kept him from burning up .my oldest brother was overdosed 3 years later and this sept I held mommy while she died .I know the feeling of trying to vent to people but inside you say you have no clue as to how I feel .I have found that most people dont but it helps to tel someone that knows .ok this will sound crazy we were a very close family so these deaths have torn us down so we pretent they are in a box on a mental shelf and we only look when we need to,so If im not in a good space to talk about mommy I just tell them I cant go there with yah ,open box stands for memorys!!!I try to keep mine locked away .here is some Good words Live or only today,life today bears what helps dearest {{{I know your

Love =......

i was saddened myself to hear your story.my sympathy to both you and your mother. as i continued to read, it was obvious to me what's happening here. honey, you must give yourself time to grieve over your loss and you're not doing that. you're trying to be strong when you're not and that alone will stress you and depress you.allow yourself to grieve because if you don't, you will never get over it. you have no one to call when you're depressed because you don't want to let down others. you've created an image for yourself honey that does not allow you to be human. my guess would be that if truth be known, your brother knows how you love and miss him but he would rather you focus on the fun times you two had and enjoy the gift of life as he once knew it also.

Losing someone is proably the hardest thing we have to go thru. I lost one of my closet friens last year. He had a long and hard fight with cancer. Everyone copes with it there own way. Even us strong ones need support. I am really close to my doctor, she already new I was having a hard time with the fact that he was sick and could be dying. He was with hospice for a little over a year. She suggested then that I could speak to someone. I told her that I could handle this on my own and that I would be just fine. She offered to put me on medicine to help all the different things that were going on. I said NO. After I watched him take his last breath and sat at the funeral, I lost it. For awhile I was trying to be there for everyone else who was going thru this also. I was getting angry with the people at work easier, I wouldn't allow anyone to take my girls anywhere unless I knew, and there father would call first. I could't wear make-up for the longest time, because I cried all the time. I felt like I had no one there to support me, the same way I support everyone with all there problems. About six months later I took my dauhgter to our doctor's office and was sitting in the room with my girls and husband. She came in and talked to the girls and then looked at me and asked if My husband would step out with the girls for a few minutes. When he did, she looked at me and I began to cry. We talked for awhile and I agreed to start the medicine, I could just not go to a counselor, I didn't have the money, or time. It took about a month for me to realize it was helping. I am not by any means suggesting that is your answer. I think everyone needs a close friend that is not a relative. I actually have two, one was a school friend, and one I became close to from working with each other. You need someone to talk to. Sadness is something we are allowed to feel. Death is the hardest thing to cope with. I believe things will get better, it will just take time. There seems to be so many amazing women here that would be happy to just listen. The holidays are hard for me also. I understand the money thing, but maybe finding something to do to keep you busy. Me I choose to scrapbook. I don't do real well for strangers, however I am here if you want to talk.

:-) Hi MOMOFTHREE. You aren't alone. Pay close attention to your environment; I'm SURE if you listen, you can hear your brother close to you at all times. Just listen. :-) You can talk with him too! He'll hear you! :-) I'm not a quack, I just really belive that those that loved us most, stay close all the time. It's nice to know that loved ones look after their families even after they're not here anymore. If you ever need to talk, please message me at ____@____.com

Talk to him!

A.

HI,
I feel and understand where you're coming from. Please don't let financial reasons preclude you from speaking to a counselor. There are many available who you don't need to pay at all. However, you really should seek out someone to speak with in person.
I spoke with a counselor at a very low point in my life and one thing that I found very helpful was to journal. When I was feeling weak, I would stop, recognize what exactly I was feeling and I would write it down. I started by making an outline of sorts, nothing formal...a word or two here and there, just getting it off my heart. I got to a point where I could write a letter to the person and tell them everything I was feeling. It made me feel much better. After awhile, I noticed that I wasn't writing as much. I was still thinking of the person, but I was remembering more of the good stuff. I was able to get over the shock of them not being physically there for me to talk to. Of course there are times when I'm still depressed, but if I start writing about it, I always end up feeling better. It's like I give the feeling something I can physically touch. I can address the issues and move on.
If you do decide to see a doctor/counselor and accept a prescription just remember, you don't have to take it forever, but it does help get through the more stressful times until you can handle it on your own. I would also suggest that you speak to your mom about getting help as well. The holidays can be stressful enough and these feelings compound the issues. If you can get a little extra help, let it help.
Also, please know that even though you may not hear so much and feel alone in your pain....all of us here, have you in our thoughts. You are not alone and you can handle this and make a special holiday season for your family and yourself. Enjoy your traditions and maybe make a new one to celebrate his life and memory.
Wishing you all the best,
L.

hi momofthree p, i'm N..
i can totally relate and sympathize with you. it's so hard to always have to be the strong one in the family. and i too have lost a best friend/family member who i always turned to. i have picked up the phone and dialed her # a 1000 times before realizing she's just not here. we all need that shoulder to cry on and it seems like we're in the same boat, both of ours being gone. but i know she's looking down on me as i'm sure your brother is on you, with their hands on our shoulders leading us in the right direction. stay strong and god bless.

Good for you for finding a way to vent & be able to say you need others. I know as moms we sometimes feel like we need to hold it all together for everyone & that means that we get neglected. It's hard to admit that we have needs too. It's huge that you are able to recognize and claim your own needs. Feel proud of that. The holidays are a hard time to feel alone & a time when a lot of people experience loneliness & loss for how things used to be. Hang in there. Concentrate on building memoires with your immediate family. Maybe start a fun new tradition with your husband & your kids this year. Also keep reaching out to find someone who can help shoulder your load. No one could ever replace your brother, but having another set of listening ears in your life will help you deal with his loss. From the looks of your responses... you have many sets of listening ears here. You're not alone!!

losing a close relative is always hard, but the holidays make it even harder because there is always so many memories that are attached to them. you are not alone though. you do have your hubby. even if he can't really do anything, he can listen and be there to hold you and just let you cry it out. my hubby has done that for me many times. also, you do have you mom. you can talk to her. it might be good for to talk to each other and cry with each other and just let some stuff out. i understand about trying to be the "strong one"...that's me in my family. but sometimes you just gotta cut loose and have a good boohoo or all that sadness and stress will consume you. counseling is not out of the question...lots of churches offer counseling for free or on a sliding scale. but remember...just think about your brother and all the good memories you have of him. would he want you to be sad and have a crappy holiday, just because he isn't around? i don't know him, but if he was great as you say, then i would doubt it. Happy holidays and God bless.

Dear MOMOFTHREE,

I know exactly how you feel. My mom was killed in a car accident when I was 17...crucial moment to have a mother! Not only was it exactly one month before her birthday but it was November. Two weeks from Thanks Giving. We used to decorate our tree together too. Christmas was a big deal with her so when I read your post it really touched me. It's going to be hard every year but soom you will start focusing on good memories rather than the fact that your brother isn't here anymore. I feel the same way about not feeling like you can talk to anyone. I didn't even cry at my mom's wake. I didn't cry in front of anyone until I walked out of the church after her service (not counting when I initially found out). However...you can't bottle it in, even if you do feel like you are bringing down the other person.

Let me tell you that feeling that he's not gone...probably won't change and seven years later I still forget that my mom is gone and try to call her. Especailly after I have that dream where she comes back...like in a soap opera. You know? I want to call her and say "I just had this dream that you died and then came back from the dead..." Then I realize that she really did die.

What helps for me is to actually talk to her. I can't visit her at the cemetary because I have since moved out of state but I talk to her every day. You will be suprised at how much that helps...sometimes you get answers. That may sound weird but once in a while I'll ask her a question and I'll get some sort of sign letting me know what she thinks. You just need to be open to it. I also used to write her letters. No one ever saw them but I felt asif she was reading them. Writing in a journal also helps. I get to say all I want to say.. Sometimes it's just scribbles or poems, even just dots. I like to just lose myself sometimes.

And about seeing people that look like your brother...Happens all the time. One time I actually followed this poor woman in the grocery store. Then there was a woman in church who's hands looked like my moms and she had this way about her that remined me of my mom. I must have stared at her the whole service. I choose to believe that it's just them letting you know that they are there. I think she sends me butterflies too. It started at her accident sight. Maybe I can elaborate some day. You can send me a message if you'd like.

I hope that you cheer up. It's so hard to lose someone so close and it's important to talk to people even if you think they don't get it.

Hope this helps and I hope to hear from you soon!

there's times no words can be said to ease the pain but *HUG*

HELLO MOTHEROF3 P,
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU. I MYSELF LOST NOT A SIBLING BUT MY FATHER SUDDENLY WITHOUT WARNING 11 1/2 YEARS AGO. I WAS 19 AND HAD JUST FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT. MY DAD AND I WERE EXTREMELY CLOSE. WHERE EVER ONE WAS THE OTHER WAS THERE ALSO. EVN THOUGH I WAS MARRIED, I WAS WITH MY DAD DAILY. AND MOST OF THE TIME ALL DAY. WE HAD BEEN CAR SHOPPING THE DAY BEFORE HE PASSED AND WERE TOGETHER UNTIL 11 THAT EVEN. I LIVED JUST 2 DOORS DOWN FROM HIM. AT 7 THAT MORING JUST 8 HOURS LATER I HEARD AN AMBULANCE, AND IT WAS TO LATE MY FATHER HAD ALREADY PASSED. HE WAS ONLY 46. HE HAD A MASSIVE HEARTACHE.
EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN SO LONG, I STILL MISS HIM DEARLY, AND THINK ABOUT HIM OFTEN. I STILL HAVE GOOD LONG CRIES, BUT I CAN NOW LAUGH ABOUT SOME OF THE MEMORIES. I CHARISH ALL THE TRADITIONS WE HAD TOGETHER. I TALK AND TELL MY KIDS ( NOW I HAVE 4) ABOUT MY DAD AND THINGS WE DONE. I TRY TO KEEP SOME OF THE TRADITIONS THAT DAD AND I HAD EXCEPT I LET MY KIDS TAKE HIS PART. THAT WAY THE TRADITION LIVES ON AND HOPEFULLY WILL CONTINUE WITH THEM THRU OUT THIER LIVES.
I AM SURE YOUR HUSBAND IS DOING ALL HE KNOWS TO DO. MINE DID ALSO, BUT IN ACTUALLITY WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS NOT WHAT I NEEDED HIM TO DO. I DID NOT WANT SOMEBODY TO TELL ME IT WILL BE ALRIGHT, I WANTED A STRONG ARMS TO HOLD ME TIGHT. I DID NOT ANYBODY TO TELL ME IT GETS EASIER AS TIME GOES BY. I JUST WANTED MY DAD. I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THE FACTS. I WANTED IT TO BE A BAD DREAM THAT JUST WOULD NOT END. MY HUSBAND TRY TO COMFORT ME AND GET MY MIND OFF OF THE SITUATION, BUT I TOO WAS DEPRESSED, AND WAS FOR SOME TIME. I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DID NOT WANT TO HERE THAT.
WHAT I GUESS I AM TRYING TO SAY, WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU IS NORMAL. WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY SO MUCH YOU DON'T WANT TO LET GO. DON'T TRY TO PUSH IT. TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOU. WHETHER IT SEEMS CHILDISH OR NOT. IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO HIM, SNUGGLE UP WITH IT AT NIGHT. TALK TO HIM IN YOUR THOUGHTS. KEEP HIS MEMORY ALIVE BY TALKING ABOUT HIM. RE LIVE THE TRADITIONS YOU GUYS HAD. I TOO TO THIS DAY WILL SEE A TRUCK THAT LOOKS LIKE DADS AND HAVE EVEN SAID THERE'S DAD BEFORE I REALIZE WHAT I SAID. OR SEE SOMEBODY WITH A SIMULAR BUILD AND THINK OF HIM. ALL A GOOD CRY ALWAYS HELPS. FOLLOWED BY SOME FUNNY MEMORY. THERE IS TIMES I MISS HIM SO MUCH THAT IT SEEMS LIKE I FELL HIM HERE WITH ME. SO JUST GIVE IT TIME. I KNOW THERE IS SO MUCH HEARTACHE, LONLINESS, AND PROBABLY ANGER, BUT IT WILL EASE OVER TIME. THERE IS NO QUICK FIX. I KEEP A JOURNAL AND SOME DAYS THAT IS ALL I WRITE ABOUT BUT IT HELPS. YOU HAVE TO LET YOUR FEELING COME OUT OR YOU WILL NEED ON DEPRESSION MEDS. I TOO AM THE ONE PEOPLE CALL FOR VENTING, ENCOURAGEMENT, HELP AND WHATEVER, BUT THERE IS A TIME WHEN YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. RIGHT KNOW WITH THE STRESS OF THE APPROACHING HOLIDAYS, THINK OF YOU FIRST BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE. MAKE THE NEXT COUPLE MONTHS AS YOU BEING OUT OF ORDER FOR OTHERS PROBLEMS. TAKE TIME TO RECOVER YOU DON'T NEED ANYMORE ON YOUR PLATE. I KNOW IT IS EASIER SAID THEN DONE, BUT YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID. IF NOTHING ELSE WHEN YOU ARE ALONE WITH THE BABY, HAVE A GOOD HEART TO HEART TALK WITH IT. I KNOW IT CAN'T ANSWER BACK, BUT TALKING WILL HELP. ALSO WHEN THE BABY SEES MOMMY UPSET, IT WILL GIVE YOU THAT BEAR HUG YOU NEED.
TAKE CARE
IF YOU NEED TO JUST VENT TO COPE OR WHATEVER. OR JUST NEED AN OUTSIDER TO LISTEN, E MAIL ME. I AM ON MULTIPLE TIMES DAILY AND WILL ANSWER BACK. MY ADDY IS ____@____.com IN SUBJECT JUST OUT MOM OF 3 AND I WILL KNOW IT IS YOU.
AGAIN TAKE CARE

So sorry to hear the hard times you are having. Do you have health insurance? Most of the time health insurance will cover your seeing a counselor. It sounds as if your are dealing with depression (like you didn't know that) right now and it would be very smart for you to either see a counselor or just see your family doctor. Your family doctor will prescribe medication for you too.. It's not something you will have to take forever, just to help you get over this hump because you certainly don't want to get down and not be able to get back up. Your children are counting on you....

Please let me know if you need to talk, I'm a very good listener and always willing to talk. ____@____.com

Hang in there.... You are not alone!

Kati

I know how it feels. I am not with the one I love. We talk but we are not together. Which really hurts. I know it gets hard when you have to hold stuff in because you feel like you need to be the strong one. My parents have been married for 27 years. My dad had an affair. There are other things to it also. I believe they are both to blame. I am trying to be strong for them but it is so hard when I am 7 months pregnant and it seems like every time I turn around something else goes wrong. I have had pneumonia for 2 months. I have the virus HPV and the beginning of cancer and I just found out last night I have gestational diabetes. I found out about the virus and cancer the day I turned 21, which was this past July. It wasn't a very good birhtday. One day we found out my dad had an affair, the next my mom tried to commit suicide, and the day after that I flipped a Jeep Liberty and almost killed myself my unborn baby and my love. It hasn't been a very good pregnancy. This all happened about a month ago. I see a counselor now. I pay 30 dollars a visit. It is kind of expensive but it is nice. I have a number if you need to talk.It is a help line. They will listen and give you advice. I still call them when I get too stressed. I hope this helps. 1-800-767-5320. Let me know!! Good luck.

look for support groups in ur area & do check into counseling some are income based fees, dont hurt to check in to it. with all u have been thru it is normal for u to feel depressed, share ur memories of ur bro with ur children, make it a time of good memories & fun & laughter. feel free to email me for more talk if ya wanna.......

i completely understand. i have the same issues with my friends (my family has never been the people to talk to about anything). i feel like i am always there when my truest friends need me, but when i'm down, where is my shoulder to cry on? i suppose that happens to strong women like ourselves who are always keeping things together and supporting everyone else. it's kind of like - sometimes a doctor needs a doctor ya know? hmm. i'm not quite sure what to do about it except perhaps you can express to them that you sometimes need their emotional support too.
as far as the holidays. i know that must be hard, but a couple things you CAN do are cherishing those memories (and remember it's ok to cry - and if it upsets your children/husband, just tell them that you miss your brother because it's ok to grieve and miss him). also, find the joy in your own children. watch how much fun they have decorating the tree and making new traditions. these, too, are times that they will remember like you and your brother. and if it helps, tell your kids about the things you and your brother used to do. share your family memories whether or not they were during the holidays.
i hope this helps a bit. God bless you and i truely wish happy and safe holidays to you and your family and wonderful blessings through the years to come.

I wish I had some great advice to give you. I can't imagine going through something like that. I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and my prayers, especially through this holiday season.

Hi MOMOFTHREE,

So many words and feelings and thoughts come to my mind to send you my wish of a peace of mind and heart.
I just can tell you that people, us, in different situations must pass through stages or seasons or experiences that make us sad or lonely, happy or satisfied; but the important thing is that every season of life ends at some point and even though you cannot believe it yet...a moment of peace, a moment of happiness will come after your sadness and loneliness. It is sounds so simple and trivial, but it is the true of life, and sadness will go away.
It is good for you to talk about your feelings, it is very important... that is like a chicken soup for the soul...

My dad passed away 2 yrs ago. He lived overseas. He was a wonderful father, husband and my best friend. My pain is still there, deep, deep in my heart, but at the same time, my father himself lets me know that he IS there with me and my family all the time, and that makes me feel better..
Talk to your brother at any minute of the day or night, cry..it is nothing wrong with it..and laugh at all those moments you shared with him like I do all the time with my dad.

I wish you the best, and remember..sadness will go away and it is up to you to have a springtime of joy with your children and your husband..

Hugs....and be strong you can be happy!!!You can do it!!!

Alejandra

Hi Momofthree,

Let me stat off by saying, I do know what your going through. The worse part is to be honest the emotions will always be there. You loved your brother and always will. The best part is keep him alive in your memories and within your life to some degree.
I lost my mother 2 years ago and she was my rock! I called her everyday even just to say Hello. Now I have no one. At least that I feel connected enough to do so with. My sis and aunt live nearby but they only call when they want something or have a complaint. Which like you i feel needed when this happens. The downside to that is Depression! When you feel like
that is all your life is based upon.
Well I am no doc that is for sure but I will say this no groups or medications could ever fix me. I take it one day at a time and talk to my kids about my mom. When something goes wrong or something really wacky happens I just say "mom could you stop that or glad to know you care" ... It works for me and my kids think it is a riot.
When I lost her those 2 years ago it was the darkest day of my life. It was unexpected 2 days after my birthday and the day before Thanksgiving. She only seen my new baby girl twice. I say my mom gave me that little bundle of joy as a gift (like a going away) (It took me and my hubby 7 LONG years to have her)
It does help to talk to people yet it doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe I sound cold in this response but that is NOT my intention. I just want you to know that you are loved and thought of. Your brother is there in your thoughts and when this happens he is beside you. Just smile and say I love you. He can hear you and knows no pain. You should be so lucky to have had someone so special in your life. It sounds like he was a good man...
just keep busy with your kids and love them, love them, love them! Share all of your emotions in a positive way, when you feel down hug your babies. Be blessed and again I am not sure how much this helps but YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU ARE LOVED!!!

your not alone i kow exactly how you feel.. my father and i was close like your brother and you.. i could call daddy up for anything at all and now i cant. he died june 14th of this year. and it has been hard. i still catch myself calling his house. i have even ended up at his house to visit.and would sit there and wait for his big truck to pull up .. then you remember hey hes not hear anymore.i have talked to some counselors about this problem and its normal they say.they gave me some tips so i wouldnt be so depressed. like with thanksgiving say comming. bring out old pics and remember the good times and bad, it helps to talk about it with someone.
but its hard to talk to someone when you feel no ones there for you. so what i did was start a journal. and every day when i feel that i need to talk to someone about anything i pull it out and write it all down.and it does seems to help and make me feel a little better.. i also started doing that with my kids. and they love it to.and maybe some day ill share it with my soon to be husband.. cuz hes like yours just dont get it.
hey girl ever need anyone to chat with . look me up i know how you feel. my email is ____@____.com

You say that you think counseling is expensive. Find out. It is so totally worth it. Check with your insurance and check with your doctor for options. Tell them that you don't think you can financially swing counseling and see what they can do for you.
Once you get the counseling. Make sure you are comfortable talking to him/her. If you aren't comfortable, you won't be able to help yourself.
Good luck to you. Wishing you happiness.

Holidays make it hard since they seem all about family times. Also with the days so short the SAD (seasonal)kicks in also. But if you are financially strapped, you should have a state mental health place that go by your income. Or you may even check a local CAPE or United Way for help. You need someone to help deal with your loss if you don't feel you can do it on your own. The longer you wait the longer you are also taking joyus times you could be sharing with your children. So see what you can find out and call tomorrow. See if you can make a new tradition with your children this year.
I hope the rest of your holidays are better for you and your family.