Seeking Moms Help

C.,

Because of the smell, she is not taking care of her space anymore. I would not allow her to do anything with her friends until her room is clean. If she refuses to clean it herself you go through it with garbage bags and toss things out.

Another thing you might want to think about is take everything out of her room except for her mattress on the floor. Each day that she keeps her room clean she can earn back her dresser, desk, clothes, etc. If it starts smelling again, things go away again.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I'm a Certified Professional Organizer specializing in kids. When I'm brought in to work with kids & their rooms I often use the "apartment theory". I explain to mom & dad (as you mentioned) that their bedroom is their space, however, I then explain to the kiddos (no matter their age) that 'House Rules' still apply. Meaning, if there is no food allowed in the bedrooms or TV's need to be off by 9 then those still need to be followed. Translation, allowing her to pick her theme or who can enter her room is the privelage of it being her space although keeping the chaos (or odor) to a minimum might be a house rule she needs to follow.

If you need more of an explanation feel free to send me an email directly & I'd be happy to go more into detail :o)

____@____.com

I was an obnoxious and defiant teenager who had kind of a weak, wishy washy, inconsistent mother that I took shameless advantage of. (But I AM ashamed now!)

Anyway, firm, fair, reasonable and 100% consistent would have been the key to getting me under control. And my mother just wasn't able to do this. She'd freak out once in a while and strip me of privileges and threaten and shriek at me - but all I had to do would be to ride out the temper and she'd always get remorseful for "over reacting" and would let me go my own way again.

If I had a daughter behaving this way I would sit her down and very calmly explain that her bedroom was completely unacceptable. She is a young woman who is more than old enough to be responsible for keeping her bedroom neat and clean and she is old enough to accept the consequences for failing to do so. I would tell her that you are not going to continue to nag or complain about her room any more. If she fails to keep her room tidy (be specific), she will be grounded to her bedroom for a minimum of 24 hours and for as long as it takes for her to clean her room. (And I do mean she must be grounded to her bedroom. And I sincerely hope that she doesn't have a television or a computer in there! She comes out for meals, for school, and for the bathroom and that is IT. If her room is filthy the day before Christmas, she will spend Christmas day grounded to her room. You HAVE to be unbending.)

I would also tell her that she will only EVER have three days of being grounded to her room because if she hasn't cleaned her bedroom by the fourth day you will strip EVERYTHING out of her room that it is not a necessity to make it easier for her to keep things tidy. (A mattress on the floor, one small dresser for 7 pairs of socks, panties, bras. Plus her closet can only contain enough clothing for one week.) She will lose everything else from her bedroom. After a month, she can earn her belongings back one box/furniture item at a time as long as she is keeping her room clean.

Tough love. Firm, fair, and consistent. She needs to be able to predict the consequences of her decisions and she needs to know that you are serious before her behavior will change.

(Incidentally, after my mother's complete failure with me she turned the situation over to my father. I was grounded to my room for six months when I was 14 (and was enrolled in EVERY after school activity that was ever invented during that semester!), but darn if he didn't out-stubborn me! The rest of my teenage years were much more peaceful because I darn sure didn't want to deal with the consequences!)

Hello,
Well I don't know how sick of it you are, but if you are at your wits end with it, here is what we did with my teenage son.
First I gave him a warning. I said, if your room doesn't get cleaned by tomarow then when you're at school i'm going to clean it. He didn't clean it, so I went in while he was gone and heres what I did.

I took large trash bags and I bagged up clothes in one bag. If he wanted those clothes back he could take them to the laundry mat and wash them himself. I have a washer and dryer but waiting in a laundry mat was more of a lesson for him.

Then anything that I bought him that was expensive went in a bag and was placed in storage. In his case these were things like baseball card collection, trophys, and sports equipment. I also took things like his stereo, tv, phone, computer, whatever.

Then anything else that was on the ground no matter what it was went into the trash.

When he got home he was of course extrememly mad but, he was told that was what would happen. Because I went through with it, he now beleives me whenever I say it will happen again if his room doesn't stay clean. His room stays pretty clean most of the time.
He lost out on some things that went in the trash but, that was the payment for disrespecting my house and my rules. Everything else that went into storage he got back one piece at a time as his room stayed clean.
The clothes, he got back when he went and washed them.

As for stealing your socks, that's funny cause our son steals my husbands socks all the time. His shirts too. It drives us crazy. What we started doing is making him take them off whenever we noticed it, no matter where we are. This way he is imbarassed by it too. We've also taken things from his room in return such as his favorite shirt, so he can see what it's like. This seems to be working.

Well good luck! Hang in there. She'll appreciate you for the dicipline later in life.

Poor C.~~ I feel your pain! I had a gaggle of teenagers--but none was worse than the
youngest :(
Everyone that said give her ONE fair warning (& I like the idea of 3 days and no more--because on the 4th, you lose everything) and then BAG IT UP in yard sized hefty bags--was absolutely RIGHT, and I totally agree with this method, because it works.
I had an extreme problem with my daughter (the youngest--the others had me worn down, apparently). We lived in San Fernando Valley California. SHe suddenly started getting HORRIBLE grades, got brought to school for ditching on THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL BY THE POLICE (I wanted to die), and had some smarmy characters in my house. Luckily, I know what a stoned person looks like--so the teens that were at my house, and going in to my daughter's stinky room, were grabbed by me, on their collar, and I got REAL CLOSE into their faces, and warned them that their stoned faces were never coming into my house again. Embarrassment on my daughter's part was THERE, but didn't quite work, because she just brought home other "pigs", and she still didn't care about her stinky room OR her grades--or ANYTHING. (I was in a position of management in a local hospital--and leaving my work, she knew, wasn't a good thing, if it was because of her and her friends) SO, I continued the "warnings" and told her if something didn't change (I had her bring home daily teacher reports, etc,I came home at different times) we would MOVE. This was devastating to her. Many people aren't in the position to move, but I was a renter, and was able to leave, if I wanted to. I actually found a small town in Oregon, thru a friend, and went for an interview---one month later, we moved.
NOW---ALL of this was a bit extreme, but I felt that I was NOT about to lose my daughter just because she was being lazy. I am not saying that a person has to move, what I am saying is:
1. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
2. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH EVERYTHING YOU THREATEN. (if you don't, she won't do anything)
3. MAKE SURE THAT SHE KNOWS THAT WHATEVER YOU DO IS BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER, AND YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE SURE THAT HER LIFE GOES RIGHT (and that includes having (or NOT having) a stinky room)
**A question for you...Have you approached her with the idea that boys "gross out on girls that stink"?? AND, that if her room stinks, so will she and her clothes?? She will act embarrassed, but she will really think about that idea...there are no girls in their teens, that don't want to be attractive for the opposite sex...
SO SORRY that this got so long winded. I Truly wish you good luck--and for what it's worth, my youngest daughter actually thanked me, 2 years later, "for being such a nazi, and I know that you love me more than anything, mom". THAT'S what its all about!!

Hi C.,

What my mother did to me which was very effective was bagging my items in garbage bags and putting them in the garage. This may sound a bit much;however, I got the hint real quick!!

what she would always tell me is, this is your room;however, your father and I pay the bills and provide you with nice things. What we respect from you is to keep your room clean and if you choose not to comply with this you will be finding your dirty items in garbage bags until you choose to take responsibilty. She would also make me do my own laundry. So, again if I choose to slack off I wouldn't have clean clothes.

When she's old enough to move out she will think back and appreciate the fact that you took extra steps in teaching her responsiblity.

If she doesn't learn this now, how will she change her ways when she gets older

K. from Seattle

Does she receive an allowance? I used to do it with my teenagers - no spending money no allowance, if they didn't keep their rooms clean. Using my clothes because theirs is dirty - because they didn't put it in the laundry? Heck, no!!!

I used to deduct money from their allowance for every day their room was messy. Also, cancel movies, cancel going out with friends, cancel TV. Before they go out the door, i ask them, "have you cleaned your room? Have you done your chores? If not, go now and do it." You're obviously much too nice to her.

She will have to spend a week cleaning up the mess, which means no TV, no Radio, no computer, no video games, no friends for that week. You have to realize the mess she creates, DOES affect the rest of you. Leftover food can bring on the rats, the ants, the mice, and affect your health especially since it stinks as you said.

Do you get her to do other chores? I get my teenagers to help me with chores and other things around the house. They are not allowed to be on self-centered permanent vacations. Being a princess is OUT! They have to learn to be responsible adults. They learn that by being helpers when they are small all the way when they are grown. If you haven't started that yet, it's time to do so. They will end up being happier more well-adjusted human beings when they help - even if you have to prod them, that if you didn't.

C.,

My daughter used to be the same way when she was a teenager. I made a game out of it and a contest without her knowing. I chose one say a week, usually Saturday for mother-daughter time. I set a time frame to have her work on her room starting right after breakfast. Then planned a personal work goal to reach myself to complete. The first one done got to chose where to go for that special lunch, movie or shopping trip. If my daughter finished before me I added a $5 bonus to her allowance for the weekend. We got into the routine of this and we grew a lot closer by having the just you and me time, Good luck! A.

Hi C.,

I look forward to reading your responses because I'm having this problem myself, even with my usually meticulous son. He used to keep his room pretty tidy, and now it stinks like sweat all the time.

My oldest on the other hand, she has always had a problem with cleaniliness in her room. She's had ferrets, mice, gerbils, hamsters, rats, a bird, and fish at one point or other the whole 6 years we've lived here, and I think her room will permanently smell like an animal shelter--it drives me crazy.

I go through their rooms at least twice a year and clean from ceiling to floor and wall to wall because I like all rooms to be clean at once, and then I do the floors for the whole house. My hubs says I should just leave their rooms, but then they'd be tracking the mess from their carpets onto *my* clean floors, so I do it all.

I am now deep in the throes of spring cleaning, and tomorrow I tackle their rooms. Not looking forward to it.

Anyhoo, yeah, I feel yer pain, girl! I hope we both figure out something. My oldest will be with us at least until spring, as she graduates this year. My son is a sophomore this year. We need to settle this before they're in college, especially if they live at home while they go.

Best of luck to ya!

K. W

Hi C.,

My daughter has been on and off about her room all her life. Mostly off. Many times I threatened to clean her room for her and that I would do it my way and keep what I wanted and throw away what I wanted. The threat didn't work. So that's exactly what I did. I cleaned, organized, and got rid of everything I thought she had out grown or was junk. Since then she's been good about her room for the most part. I think it gets overwhelming sometimes and they just don't know how or where to start. I just pick a corner and work my way out. Good luck.

J.

First let me start by saying you are not alone. My 17 yr old step-daughter and my 8 year old daughter have to share a room and the smells can get out of hand. For us it's the older one. She has issues with body odors. Any dirty clothes left in the room make it worse. I get very angry at times because I can smell it in the hall and sometimes in the living room as well. My suggestion is to find where exactly the smell is coming from and work on having her keep that item picked up or out of the room. It's hard when you want to give them their own space, but not at the expense of the rest of the family. This has helped in our house hopefully starting small will help you as well. Don't try to fix it all at once. We only frusterate ourselves and it's too overwhelming for them.

C.,
My two boys are the same way. I resently took everything out of our 15 year lods room. They only thing he has it three outfits, two pairs of shoes, coat, bed and blankets. We were having the same problem. It's been over a month. Some how it still becomes a terrible mess.

Remember that you have to give her time to have it done. I gave our 1 week. I told him Monday, if it wasn't spotless by the end of that coming weekend I would clean it and you won't like. Of course it wasn't done at all. Come monday morning he went to school and I went to work on his room. I bagged things up and ended up throwing lots away. The stuff I kept I locked in spare room. Remember to lock it a room with an actual key lock. Or take to a friends or some where they can't get into when your not looking.

Good luck

C.,

This may be a little extreme for you and hard to follow through since you have always taken the stance "your room, your mess" before this but I have seen it work before. You will have to be strict and for the first couple weeks it will be more work for you, but hopefully she will start to catch on and understand that everything she has in there is a priveledge and she needs to respect and appreciate everything she has. Are you ready for this?
First, you strip everything out of her room.....and I mean everything! All you leave is her bed (with or without the frame) and possible her dresser with clothes. Everything else goes in boxes and is somewhat organized so YOU can find things when needed. You leave her clothes with her for now....except when you clear out her room anything that is on the floor or not put away in a closet or dresser goes packed away (most likely these will be some of her favorites) Then every evening before you go to bed you check her room....anything on the floor or not put away is taken away and added to the boxes. If she can keep her space clean and respect her items she can slowly start earning her things back. You determine how many days she keeps it clean and what she gets back. Example: if you keep your room clean for a week you get one outfit and one memento (poster, niknak, cd, or whatever) back. This is where it comes in handy if you have organized those boxes well because now you have to go and find it! Like I said this will be a little more difficult on you in the beginning but she will learn to respect and appreciate her belongings much more and will start treating them that way. I hope this helps a little.

B.

Teen age tug of war of wills. I know how this is. Consequences, not threats. No more trips, no more meals, no more privledges until the room is clean. If it's stinking and the smell is invading the rest of the house, you may have to invade her privacy and clean to protect the whole house. I'm willing to bet that you cleaning and picking up things and seeing things in her room will motivate her to action. But as long as you're doing the cleaning she gets no peace. No phone, no extracurricular activities, etc. And you have to stick to it. Don't give in. Take her dirty laundry out and put it in a hamper, in a trash bag, wherever... make it her chore, her responsibility to do her laundry and put it away. No clean clothes, oh well. Again, allow the consequences to occur.

I can totally understand your dillema, I have 2 teenagers. What I tell them is that it has to be safe. As long as there is no rotting food and clear paths to the exits AND I can close their doors so I dont have to see the mess, its their space. If there is an ordor then I would definately have a spring cleaning day! Maybe its time to go through her clothes and stuff and consolidate?

Hi C.- I know you are done and I wish you luck on your new situation... What I wanted to say is I have an almost 16 year old boy and he keeps his room clean, because he doesn't have a choice. He has a few things lying around, but he has a very clean room for a young man. Good luck.

so what are you doing from home? and how is it working?

I just figured this one out. I got my teen a cell phone with unlimited text. After about a month of her enjoying the phone, I requested she clean her room. When she didn't, I called the phone company and had them suspend service. Her room was cleaned faster and to a higher standard than EVER before! When her room was clean, I called and had the phone service restored. Her room has been clean ever since. It works for a lot of situations (school work, attitude, etc) without all the fuss! Good Luck : )

Hi C., I see you already have a plan of action... BUT my thoughts were on a different track then all of your responses. If your daughter is anything like I was as a teenager, then she needs a room she can take pride in. Maybe if she follows through with keeping her room tidy for a while, she can be rewarded with a makeover. New bedspread, paint the room. Once she gets to decorate it in her style, she might have a sense of pride about the space that will motivate her to keep it clean. I don't have any teenagers yet, but I know this worked for me when I was one myself.

I think going through her room and putting everything in garbage bags is a solution. If its smelly, on the floor, or otherwise unkept its fair game for the trash. She isn't showing she values her belongings. Maybe she has too much stuff in her room and is overwhelmed and a good thinning out would be helpful. Most people take care of the items they value. What does she hold of value?