Seeking Mom's Who Are Married or Living with Significant Others

I am 26 and I have two children one who is 4 and the other is 6 months, now when my 4yr old threw fits I did ingore them and yes in time they stopped, he wanted a reaction out of me and didnt get a reaction and they did stop. It is a fase that I think all children go through, but I think that if you give thema reaction they will react back.

T.,

I would suggest something between your two styles, sort of a compromise. Children do need instruction, and ignoring her tantrums may imply to her it's okay behavior, so it may be a better course to respond to her tantrums with discipline. However, yelling also implies to her that yelling (therefore temper tantrum) is okay behavior. A firm but calm response might be a good way to go and give her something positive to model.

The way I myself deal with temper tantrums is I give my kids a choice: you can be a happy boy and hang out here with me, or you can be a fussy boy and go to your room. It's worked every time but once, he always calms down. I think they like being given a choice, and they learn how to calm themselves down when they get upset, while teaching that it isn't acceptable behavior.

Hope that helps.

I think 18 months is the hardest time - it's much worse than the terrible two's!

Without knowing anymore about you guys, I would guess that you're probably a bit too lenient and your husband is a bit unreasonable. Does she instantly stop having a tantrum when he shouts at her? My guess is no. She probably feeds off of his frustration. For crying out loud, he yells at her and "freaks out" to get HER to stop yelling and freaking out? How long is it going to take for him to realize this is NEVER going to get her to stop throwing a fit?

Ignoring all of the tantrums is one strategy, but it's obviously not one your husband wants to get on board with. (I also don't necessarily agree that all fits should be ignored. Because it sends the message that throwing a fit is an acceptable way to handle strong emotions.) My advice is that the two of you need to sit down during a calm moment and hash out a plan of action that is acceptable to the two of you. Your husband obviously doesn't think ignoring bad behavior is acceptable and won't support you on this, so you both need to change your parenting styles (in my never-to-be-humble opinion!) If your husband is like most guys, he will probably appreciate and respect a specific plan of action. I would present him with one.

I would identify the specific behaviors and come up with a specific consequence: If she kicks the apartment floor, she is picked up and placed in her bed where she has to remain until she stops kicking the floor. (It'll take a lot of determination and repetition to get her to stay on the bed.) If she throws a toy in anger, the toy is taken away and placed in "toy time out." (You'll be amazed at how quickly she will stop throwing "favorite" toys.) If she pitches a fit in a restaurant, one of you must take her out of the restaurant, strap her into the car seat and sit with her for a specific period of time. Then the other parent comes out to sit in the car while you go back in to finish your dinner. (Be prepared to eat a few cold dinners alone, but do NOT just simply leave the restaurant and do NOT take her back into the restaurant - even when she calms down. She needs to see that her behavior has reasonable and predictable consequences and those consequences must be felt by her. It's no fun to sit in the car while Mommy and Daddy "enjoy" their meal inside the restaurant. Other tips for restaurant visits: Tell her what you expect of her before you enter the restaurant; Take something that will occupy her (we have a small bag of toys that ONLY gets opened in restaurants so the toys are especially interesting); Order her food immediately and ask the server to bring it out as soon as it's prepared.)

But, the two of you need to be calm, be calm, be calm while dealing with her. Small children are remarkably perceptive and don't necessarily distinguish between negative and positive attention. Toddlers are also all about power and control. She has the power to make Daddy freak out and shout. That puts her in control of Daddy now, doesn't it?

With regard to the downstairs neighbors: Buy or make them an apology card with a little handwritten note that explains the situation and apologizes for the noise. Let them know that you appreciate their patience while your daughter goes through this stage. I'd also include a little gift - perhaps a box of chocolates. I can't tell you how many conflicts (up to and including law suits) could have been avoided if someone just simply apologized and/or opened the lines of communication.

I think the best advice I have is to try to avoid tantrums in the first place! My son (20 mo) rarely throws them, but when he does it is ALWAYS linked to hunger and/or tiredness, which I'm pretty sure is common. Try to give frequent snacks and keep bedtime/naptime as consistent as possible. I avoid public areas like the plague right before bedtime and naptime and always have snacks/drinks on me. Maybe she's switching from 1 to 2 naps, too, which was a hard spot for us, but she'll get over that soon enough.

Be patient, too! It always makes me feel a little better and more patient to break out one of the toddler/child development books or articles to a) see where your child is coming from and b) reassure you it's normal! And make your husband read it too, b/c his approach is going to do nothing.

When my son does throw them, I try to hold him to reassure him, but a couple times he's been too crazy, so I set him in his crib for a few minutes and when I come back he's been calmer and easier to deal with.

Good luck!

Hi T.-

I'm hoping there can be some middle ground here. Ignoring poor behavior *is* a good tool- but it's not the only one. At 18 months- distraction is an excellent candidate. Also, offering two firm choices and staying calm are really important. Your child needs guidance as to how to behave- coaching over and over again. The best way to avoid tantrums is to prepare ahead for them. That means having alternative activities available- keeping snacks on hand, books, toys she likes (for when you are in public). It also means helping her meet her needs for food, sleep, and cuddle time, etc. When she gets low on those- watch out- meltdown coming!
I guess I also think that some tantrums come with the territory- kids haven't yet learned to regulate their own emotions- and a tantrum can be the result when they are overwhelmed. It's hard to grow up. Good luck!
M.

I agree with Elizabeth Y... give your children choices but both choices must benefit you the parent. I wouldn't allow the tantrums... I can understand your husband getting embarrassed in public.

Hi T.! We went through the similar problem recently with our 16 month old. And YOU have the right idea! If James throws a fit at home, he's ignored. And he stops quite quickly. When we go out to eat we buckle him in the highchair they provide. When he starts throwing a fit because he wants out we ignore him and he usually gets over it in a few minutes. Don't worry about the people around you. Many of them have had children and they understand what you are going through. My husband trusts in most of my parenting skills so I haven't had the same battle that you are having with yours. I suggest maybe signing him up for a "Just Dads" group. It would give him an opportunit to meet with other dads and learn the skills he needs to support you in your parenting. Good luck! And it's just a phase! Support and reward positive behavior, ignore the tantrums, and it will get better! ~K.

Hi T.! At 18 mo children start to begin to understand consequences. What I would recommend is to put her in a time out and tell her that tantrums are a no no. I would either set her in a corner or in her room for about 1 1/2 min. (which is age appropriate: 1 min. per year of child) and if she moves before you tell her that she can, I would tell her no again, and put her back and continue until she understands you mean business. If you are in a restaurant or store, then pick her up and put her in a different spot and tell her to stay there and do the same thing if she moves. When you start, plan on starting at home and plan on clearing your schedule so that you will have time to make your point. I would also sit down with your husband and ask for his help and tell him what you are going to start implementing. It is better to talk about it now with your hubby, instead of in the heat of a tantrum. You can do it! J.

I know where you're coming from. I have dealt with this same situation myself. The best advice I can offer is to teach your child that they may only throw fits in their own space...such as their bedroom. If she starts a fit simply pick her up and move her to her bedroom and close the door. Tell her you'll see her when she is done. If she does it in public...Pick her up and carry her to your car and let her throw her fit there. When she is done take her back in and resume without any special attention. You're not giving her any special attention when she's throwing fits therefore she doesn't benefit. As far as living in an upstairs apartment...I would simply go down to your neighbors and apologize in advance for the noise. Let them know what is going on and that you're trying to fix it. Most people understand tantrums in children. Good Luck

The reason she is doing this is because the husband is paying attention to it. You need to make him understand that he is just egging her on when she does this. My husband and I have gone around about this also. I undertstand you live in an apartment building, however I'm sure your neighbors will understand if you let them know whats going on. If you arent united on disceplen you guys are in trouble because she will play one against the other. Shes only 18 months but shes already got you figured out.

My husband and i have this same problem. Whenever my son throughs fits i try my best to do as you do...not play into his tantrum but my husband like yours also gets upset about his behavior. I'm really trying to live the "pick my battles" way. It would be so nice if my husband could live under the same philosophy. I do agree that yelling doesn't seem to any good, in my experiance my son just acts worse. I wish i could help you better.

Hi T.. I read Karen's response. And being half asleep it was odd reading it. Because that sounded like something i would of typed. So i highly agree on what she said and suggest trying it. Kids dont rule our life. We do. Take Care and good luck on them tantrums =)

I would start by telling him that he is giving in to her demands by making a scene and yelling at her to stop .And he is doing what she wants him to do she doesn't care if the attentinon is negative of possitive. Also when he does that in public and gets emabarrassed, he needs to realize he is perpetuation this activity by making more of a scene. Which just will emberass himself more. ( i always say if anyone has a problem with me bringing my child to a public family place maybe then should go home. Children are a part of live and they are just trying to learn what is ok and what is not, while trying to figure out where they fit in to things.) My son used to throw fits and bang his head in to the floor. We started by ignoring him, and that is when the head banging got worse. So we asked the dr what to do she told us to continue to ignore him don't look at him or say anything to him but if he is hurting himself by the head abnging then to pick him up and put him in a safe place (or just hold him while he screams but still don't look at him), but BE CONSISTANT because he will see if there are places you are or certain things he does to get your reaction. Children at that age are naturally curious about cause and effect, "i do this and mom does that, etc." well now he very rarely does it and it is becasue he knows that he will get no attention. But we did figure out alot of that activity is becasue he is frusterated and wants to comunicate something but does not know how. so we work on words so much more that i thought i should and he is now more able to tell me what he wants, his dad still gets tripped up on some words, but the basics are good to start with. Then when he starts getting mad i tell him "use your words" and it helps so very much. I would also go down and talk to the neighbors below you and see what they can actually hear and find out if that does bug them. Just tell then you are working with the beginning stages of terrable twos and they should understand. I don't think it is terreble twos i think it starts much earlier then that. I hope this helps some.

Des

One thing we have found that we can both agree on with our two year old is that almost all tantrums can be stopped by using distraction (not with food or other "rewarding" type of items) but stating that you know they are upset and frustrated that they can't express what they are angry about, maybe having them draw or paint what they are feeling or doing something they like. Tantrums at this age are usually because they can't tell you what's wrong or how they're feeling, not always a deliberate attempt to get attention or act out. Good luck!

I live in a 2nd floor apartment (of 3 floors)and have a little boy who will be 3 in 2 weeks. My boyfriend worries about the neighbors, and we do try to be considerate, but there are simply some things that cannot be helped. Tantrums and screaming kicking fits are a couple of them. The best way to deal with those in most cases I've found is put them in a place where they cannot hurt themselves or anyone else, and cannot destroy anything and just let them work it out. Part of being little is learning to deal with life's frustrations and if they are not allowed to do that, they will not be able to handle things as an older child or an adult. I have read, heard from many people, and firmly believe that it is best for the same sex parent to be the one disciplining the child. I am not saying it is not okay for the opposite sex parent to do so, because the child needs to listen to both, but think of it like this. Men know how other mens/boys minds work and what will work on them. Women know how other womens/girls minds work and what will work better for them. Fathers are quite good at scaring little boys into behaving while at the same time being a cool guy to hang out with. My suggestion would be that you perhaps need a compromise as you seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum (i too am experienced with opposite ends of the spectrum and have learned to compromise on discipline). First thing I would suggest is that you agree that if your daughter is simply having a melt down, that she perhaps needs to have one (don't have a daughter, but I think the idea is the same...learn to self soothe and handle stress) and when she is done, you, her mother and same sex parent, handle the discipline. I would suggest speaking with your husband about acceptable discipline for home, for at the store, for any range of circumstances AND discover what works best for your daughter. Sometimes kids have screaming fits that need immediate attention and you can intervene (about half the time in my case, i've discovered) and others where they simply need to calm down before they can listen to reason. My boyfriend is not my son's biological father and I can tell you this...even at 3 years old, without my BF around, I would have my son walking all over me because I simply don't think like a man. Much in the same way, your husband simply does not think like a woman. There are also a couple of pretty good books out there...one is "Parenting with Love and Logic" and another one is "Love and Logic Magic, Parenting children ages Birth through Six years" both are by the same author and are available through Amazon.com for a good price (around $35 with tax for the pair). They are very good reference guides for all kinds of parenting issues. Good luck to you. I understand the screaming toddler thing for sure. Just remember, it won't last forever.

Oh...one last thing about the apartment situation...I worried a lot about neighbors at first, but for the most part they don't complain. I had one lady come out as I was on my way to work a few weeks ago and ask if i could try to get my child to be quieter in the morning because we wake her up. I said I would try, but that toddlers are very hard to control. He clamed down some, and a week or two later, there was a note on my window from her thanking me for being so respectful. The thing is...if you don't want to have to deal with things like other people's screaming kids...DON'T LIVE IN AN APARTMENT. Anywhere I have ever lived, you can rent a douplex or triplex for the same price or sometimes even less than an apartment...with far less noise and neighbors. If the noise is outside the set quiet hours, I would not worry about it...just think of the constant thumping around, the possibly loud music or televisions or drunk parties (as i've experience in my complex) that your neighbors subject you to (and probably annoy you with-especially when it seems as though they wait until your child is in bed to start it all. It is all part of living in an apartment.

Ignoring tantrums at home is optimal. Don't even glance, wince, giggle, or "see" the child throwing one.

In public, leave. I've never had them repeat a tantrum when I make them go in the car with me, or leave for good. 18 months may be a little young for that, but if you get her used to no attention to tantrums at home before you start taking her to restaurants again, and stores, she may forget that she can throw them.

Hi T.! I have a 19 month old boy who was having his fair share of tantrums and I have pretty much ignored them once he's in a safe place to throw his fit. Once he's done, I try to get out of him what it was he wanted. He talks a little and knows some signs so we can begin to narrow it down. It seems to have really worked, he has far fewer tantrums unless he's tired or something. My boyfriend has gotten onboard with most things since I'm the primary caregiver. Of course if he thinks something is nutzo we'll talk about it and maybe come up with something else but we have to be united when it comes to discipline because if I'm doing one thing and he's doing another, neither method will work. We're still debating on whether or not to pick him up when he wakes up at night, but with most things he falls in line because he knows I do a lot of research and work hard all day to teach our son what's acceptable and what isn't. I am pretty laid back, but when it comes to safety and rotten behavior, I really stay on the ball. By the way, if she hasn't started yet, look forward to random screeching in public places... that's a good one. I try my best to ignore it, but at a restaurant or something, its not so easy. Oh the things toddlers do for attention....

Also, I agree with the previous reply to maybe leave a note/ card/ gift for you neighbor. I think just acknowledging that you know its loud and annoying for them will help a lot. It might also help to get your daughter involved in that. She might not understand it now, but at some point she will and maybe put 2 and 2 together? Worth a shot, right?

I know exactly where you are coming from. I have a 5 yr old, 3 yr old, and a 2 yr old. They all throw tantrums. People tell you to ignore them and they will stop, but that doesnt seem to work. I tell my children to go outside and scream as loud as you want and when your ready to come in, you can. That seems to work for me. If they decided not to do that, then my husband and I have 3 chairs, each have their name on it, and they sit their for 2 minutes. If they get off that chair, then they have to start that 2 minutes over. IT didnt work the first week, but I'll tell you what, it works now. Getting mad at them doesnt work at all, it really does make it worse. We also figured out, that if we do the same exact tantrum they are doing and then start laughing about it, that tends to work as well. Well good luck.

K.

My husband and I don't agree on discipline either. I think he's too harsh and he thinks I let the kids get away with too much. The important thing is that when one of us is doing the discipline that the other does not interfere unless it's to show a united front. This way the kids don't know that we really don't agree on the techniques and play us against each other. If you are the savior that makes your child dislike your husband and vice versa. If you both show that you respect each other during discipline then the child knows that they can't get away with what they are doing.

Aren't tantrums fun? It sounds like neither of your methods are very effective... she's still throwing fits and you're still arguing about how to handle it. One thing I have found in parenting is that you have to find what actually works and then be consistent with it. You can't just decide you like the idea of a discipline and go with it regardless... there are a lot of things that I like the idea of (the learning lesson behind the discipline, etc) but it doesn't work on my child so it's pointless to use.
Try a few different things... standing her in the corner, taking something away, etc. and see what works. Maybe even make a list of suggestions from each of you and go down it until you find what seems to work once or twice and then be consistent with it. I agree that the tantrums are to get your attention and she needs to learn that that is not the way to do it, but she may be too young to grasp that concept yet.
As for as a restaurant, etc... take her to the car until she is done. A lot of times in a setting like that, they just need a change of scenery. The good thing is that their attention span is not long enough at that age to remember what they were mad about when you come back in!