Seeking Ideas for Reconnecting with Spouse

Hi,
I am a single mom, so I don't have much advice on marriage. I do recommend a book written by an expert though. The Five Love Languages by Garry Chapman. Great book.
Blessings,
J.

DEAL WITH THIS NOW! DO NOT WAIT! Get counseling if you need it, but make reconnecting your number one priority. For the past year my husband has been saying the same basic thing to me, but we were busy with 2 kids and bills, ect.... They he found someone who he connected with and fell into an affair. He was not looking for it, he just felt a connection with her he had lost with me. We had stopped making each other the priority and now our children are paying the price! Please address your marriage now, and don't just assume that your husband would never cheat, because mine was not the type to cheat either, up until he did.

Hi K.. I have twins that are almost 3 and we moved from California about a year ago, and life just NEVER seems to slow down for us either. I keep saying that this is just a "season" of our marriage but I'm not sure how long it will last. I don't really have any advice on how to have more time to connect, but I will tell you something that has helped my husband and I to have a better connection even if it is not a ton of focused time. We listened to a book on CD called "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerich (sp?) and it really transformed our marriage. I don't know your spiritual views, but this book speaks from a biblical perspective on the greatest needs of men and women. As much as we shutter to hear that a man needs respect and admiration, it truly is his greatest need. Our greatest need as women is love. When we don't feel loved by our husbands, we respond in ways that come accross to them as being disrespectful. In turn, the husband will respond in a way that comes accross to us as unloving. This is a terrible cycle to get on and the book talks a lot about how to stop that cycle. Anyway, we don't have time to "read" books, so listening in the car was a great way to take this book in and I highly recommend it to anyone. With all the business in our lives, I know that I come accross to my husband in a very critical way (which communicates disrespect to him). I have worked on this after reading the book and it has made a HUGE difference. Now when I lash out at my husband for something, I stop and say to myself "I must be feeling unloved by my husband in some way because of the way that I just responded to him so disrespectfully." It opens the dialoge and we can talk about what's going on a a deeper level.

Ever heard the phrase "the seven year itch?" From my own experience and what I've heard from others, many couples have difficulties with one thing or another around this time. It can be really hard, but the only way for your marriage to return to being a priority is for you to make it one. The best thing you can do for your little girl is to love each other and make sure she knows it. Even little kids have radar about this and they are happier and more secure when your marriage is. Just do whatever you can to set aside time to be together and do something fun. Make his favorite treat or do something else thoughtful just for him. Send him a note at work, tell him how much you appreciate whatever it is he does for you guys--make sure he gets undivided attention from you, and let him go have some fun with the guys too. The hardest thing for me is not to start spilling about my day and how frustrating it was as soon as I see or talk to him at the end of his work day. That's the last thing he needs--and we can talk about it later. Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands has some good ideas, as does the 5 love languages book. This may sound kind of superficial--feelings go a lot deeper, I know, than cookies or a perfunctory date night--but once you get in the habit of making the marriage the priority again, you'll have the space and time to work on the deeper issues. If you guys have to let unnecessary committments go to spend more time as a family, do it. I'll be pulling for you. Good luck!

I feel your pain. I haven't been married as long. But in the course of three years marriage we have been blessed with as many babies. So we really don't have time or $$ or energy. But what we recently started was a date night. I am lucky enough to have a mom in the area willing and able to watch my two babies. The other one is still in the oven until Feb. But we have done simple things. My hubs is not good at planning. So I just tell him when the date night is and plan an evening. The last one we did was REALLY simple and so much fun. We dropped the boyz mid-afternoon. We went to a friend's house and chilled for about a half an hour. Then we grabbed a snack and headed out. I told him to get his grubby jeans on and his boots. I told him we were taking the truck. He was completely lost. We went to a corn maze. He was awesome at it, and felt all manly again. We laughed and giggled. It was $10 for both of us. We bought a couple apples and some popcorn. We had a great date night. And although we left the boyz overnight, had it been a babysitter . . . we were home by 10pm. So really it wasn't that long, just long enough for us to be Scott and H.! Good luck!!

Definitly turn off the TV! Doing things together is a place to start. Maybe just walking around the block with or without your daughter. Have a neighbor take care of her or someone else you trust. If you really want to keep your marriage together you need to look around you and see what it is that is really takeing up more time then is neccessary. If your jobs are so active that you don't want to be active when your not working try reading together. Your marriage is definitly worth saveing if your love is still strong. Please look for the simple things in life to do together because getting older and raiseing your daughter by yourself isn't fun. Trust me I know. I've been there and you will get very lonely as the years go on if it's only you and your daughter. J.

Ok, so I know this may sound like it comes out of the 1950's or something, but one thing that helped my husband and myself (we will be married for 16 years this coming February) is that I try to let him decompress after work before really laying on him the events of the day. With 4 kids and both of our mothers living with us at the moment, there is ALWAYS something to tell about the day. It's nice to vent, but give him a chance to settle in or transition in to the home before doing so... and if it doesn't need to be discussed right away, let it go until you have "time" to talk about it... maybe after baby goes to bed. If he's feeling overwhelmed, you may want to reassure him that you love him and are there for him if he needs to talk, or you support him needing to talk to someone else if that's what he needs. Find out what he thinks will help him not feel so overwhelmed. Does he need time out with his friends, time out with you alone (I also recommend date night), time in with you alone? Does he want to feel like he's wanted instead of just needed as a breadwinner and daddy? Find little ways to let him know you appreciate him. I don't drink coffee, but my hubby will go through a couple of pots a day. I make his pots of coffee and frequently make him individual cups just so he knows I am thinking of him... it's not much, but every time I give him a cup, it's followed with a little kiss and an "I love you." or an "I appreciate you." Works wonders. I also don't know what your religeous affiliation is, if you have one, but taking Sunday morning to go to church together will give you time to reconnect spiritually and your daughter will enjoy time in preschool sunday school classes. Good luck to you, Hon. I will keep you in my prayers.

First off, be VERY thankful that your husband verbalized his concerns!! Many don't. What has worked for us is what has been suggested by Bev & C R. . .Go to bed together--as much as possible! Every night would be ideal. That's when we get our best talking, plotting, planning done. We also talk a few times during the day--he'll call me from work on breaks, just to "check in". I try to keep those times upbeat because if I had a problem, he'd want to "fix" it & would feel helpless being away from home. If I do have a problem however, I do share. It's just that I try to be upbeat most of the time. When he comes home & is in a position to help with a situation, then I let him know about a problem. This is what my husband says helps a man the most: intimacy. It's the absolute truth that men need the physical release that they get from sex,that's the way God designed them. If the sex is often enough everything else will run more smoothly in the home. Go to bed together & even if you're not going to be intimate, cuddle while you talk. But if you're not intimate, plan (in your mind) to make up for it in the morning. :-) We've been married 24 years & we're still having fun, and we don't have regular dates & have never been away from the kids overnight. Keep it simple.

Make more time for eachother. Even if it means you have to quit your job and move to a smaller house, or whatever else. Yeah, it's that important. I'm strongly guessing your husband will support this. Oh yeah, and smile at him a LOT.
I hope the best for you!

SEX, he needs sex at least once or twice a week. Being backed up sexually is like being backed up (constipated) physically for a guy. They can't think. I see this is my husband, and when I'm tempted to resent it, I just remind myself that guys are different. They're not females; they're males! I wanted to marry a man, and my man needs sex. He tries to deny it, but I KNOW that he talks more, does more for me, is generally more cheerful when I meet this need for him. I also highly recommend Dr. Laura's books. They're an easy read, and very motivating!

You have received a ton of great advice. My suggestions, everything listed below, but a few little things. Maybe you can adjust your work schedule so you have more time? Why is he feeling over committed? Do you work opposite shifts? Too involved in something? A date night is great, but maybe you don't have the money to hire a sitter, or can't justify the time away. Maybe look for a date night swap with another family, to save money. I found having friends over with kids the same age brought some fun back into our lives. Also, doing fun things with our kids, this time of year, a trip to the pumpkin patch is fun. It gives us joy as a family, and my husband and I always are happier after taking that an hour as a family. We go to bed together every night! Regardless if one is or isn't tired. We will talk, read, watch tv, just be together without kids every single night. The kids go to bed at 8pm, the rest of the night is ours. We've made sure our work schedules allow this, and it even made me change jobs when we first were together. I have 4 kids, 3 are active in sports, no family around to help, and work out of the house. It is hard to find time for everything, but that nightly routine helps us so very much. Make sure that you take 20 minutes for yourself, so you feel pretty, attractive. Men do seem to need that physical aspect, while we need the emotional. It is amazing how the men seem more incline to give us the emotional after they've received the physical. Just remember, have fun as a couple, and as a family. It is hard to get frustrated with having too much to do, when you take that time to have fun together. Good luck!!!

A good old fashioned roll in the hay is in order. I know that the busier we get and if the kids stay up a little later than normal, this is the first thing that gets skipped...and yet when we do connect, everything is so much lighter the next day...and more intimate. While we as women may miss the long walks on the beach and talking uninterrupted with our mates, our husbands miss access to our physical bodies. The longer they are not satisfied in this area, the more removed and resentful they can become...of not only you but also the kids. I guarantee that if you make this a priority, you will see and feel a major difference.

Hi K.,
I totally feel for you! My hubby and I needed a break too. We began with easy things - Dates, in fact, we still do this every few months or more. We have a babysitter (MIL or FIL) take over for an afternoon and we go out to lunch (Red Robin is our fav - we sat in the bar area like we were young and carefree, rather than in the family section) and then catch a matinee. If we have the whole afternoon, we then go walk in a park or thru the mall, holding hands. It is nice to be just us. If you want more romantic, do a dinner - go somewhere you used to go BK (before kids), just the two of you. Some friends of ours told us about this and strangely, it seemed an amazing concept - date your spouse, who'da thought?!

Now, just recently, we celebrated our 7th anniversary and my Mom came to stay with the kids for 48 hours while we took a mini trip. Now, 48 hours isnt that long but it was spread over 3 days total and it was wonderful to just feel like we were newlyweds again. If you arent comfortable with that, just do a night at a nice hotel - Go into Seattle or something. Just somewhere that makes you think of when you got married and how special that night was.

Now, I know these days, it is hard to justify costs so if these options aren't doable, just think of something easy - go to Mill Creek and walk thru the trails together, stopping often to talk while holding hands. Or send the kids to Grandma(pa)'s house and stay at home for the day and act like you did BK (you fill in the specifics).

Take the time to remember why you fell in love with eachother.

L.

It's time to set some boundaries for this little girl. Do you have a place in the house that is actually off limits? Have you taught your two year old to knock before entering?

Little kids want to do the right thing and feel grown up so teach her the niceties of knocking before entering the bedroom..if the door is closed. That's a start. Next, find a part-time sitter. Someone's teenager that you know..anything. Use them as you need them and can afford them. You can start going out and even if its just a "big people dinner" or whatever. If you'd rather, find a friend you can swap care with so they can get some grown up time too. Its important. We have the office. It's ours and the kids can come in and talk to us if they need to, but they are not allowed to linger. My kids are older, but not so old they don't need mom and dad. We expect them to abide by our privacy rules and they do. Of course for a 2yr old we are talking babysteps. Grown up time is what it is..grown up time that means NO baby. So you have to prioritize. Kids are important and we love them, but we have to have time to "recupe" and start thinking like an adult. It can start as simply as watching the news together and talking about events happening that effect you and him about your government..foreign affairs etc. Try to keep it about you and him, about issues that affect both of you personally even if you didn't have kids. It's okay to talk about "family things" but keep it simple and short. Talk about things that aren't family related first so you can kind of shrink back. It does give you prospective. Sometimes grown up time involves me reading posts from here out loud to my husband and we talk about other people's problems with THEIR kids. Really, it's very refreshing sometimes. It's not that we find other people's problems more severe, or funny or anything. (Though sometimes we laugh heartily at some of the problems.) Do keep a sense of humor..yes people think you are warped if you laugh uproariously through church..so don't. But find things to laugh about and at. It's okay. You both know that this two yr old thing won't last forever and before you know it you will be shedding tears because they are off to school and then what will you do with your time?? hmmm..spend at least two months enjoying the silence before you even THINK about another baby :)

Really, it doesn't last long and your husband is validated in the fact that by age two..you can find someone that your child will bond with enough to like having them around a few hours a week/ every two weeks or whatever. If you can afford that. Be reasonable with your expectations..it won't come naturally you might have to actually think about "not wondering about the baby" or worrying about the baby. But it does come, and you can move on with your parental duties and with your marriage at the same time that way.

Hello K., I find that works for my husband and I is to regularly have date nights alone (2 times a month at a minimum). It can be as simple as just going to see a movie, lunch, dinner, going out for cocktails and appetizers, get a hotel room to stay in overnight, see a play, local comedy show just stuff. Otherwise we would both be unhappy and a little nuts. My husband works in Redmond and we live in Federal Way which means he is up and out the door by 6am and usually doesnt return until after 8pm daily. I am a sahm and am raising a teen and a kindergartener and its work, but at the same time if I dont get out the house without kids and get some adult time only, Id be stressed and I know we'd be at each others throats. Try getting a sitter if you can and just spend that adult time alone once in a while.Try to mix up your routine a little. Hopefully it will help.

Find a babysitter and schedule her for every a few hours other Saturday night for the next few months. We did it last year for a few months and now just started it again.

The funny thing is that sometimes we are so busy during the week that we don't have time to plan something to do. So we get in the car and say, 'Um, where do we go?' Sometimes we go for a nice dinner, sometimes just for pizza and a Costco run without the distraction of a child. But no matter where we go or what we do, we are talking and eventually that gap starts to close. Throw in a little lovin when you get home and voila! Life just got a little lighter and a little nicer. :)

To make space for each other is the key. Space of course is time, it is also mental, emotional space.

Slowing down is the key to much of this. Slowing down the thoughts, noticing the emotions and how much peace we can bring to the things that we do.

You may want to consider working part time, it is shame for you to miss this time with your child and risk the ruin of the marriage.

There are actually many methods you can use to immediately bring your awareness to the connection you already have with him. Loss of connection is mostly do to the mental emotional state of feeling lost in the things of the world. To change this you must become aware of the connection that is your place in the world and then you can feel each other readily and with a wonderful child to share.

I also recommend getting a sitter once in a while. Men really do much better when they see the stars in your eyes are for them too and as women it is good to let go of this need we have to over "do". We all need rest and not much of what you are "doing" is worth your marriage or mental health.

Four hours alone twice a month. DO IT! Sure, lots of excuses/reasons why its "hard" to carve out this time for the two of you. But time is exactly and precisely what is needed here, and like Julie said (hehe) sex is a basic need for men, so do that too. Hire a sitter once a month and if possible, get a family member of friend or a stratigically planned play date for the other twice a month/four hours alone time. Let me tell you, this is so helpful. So despite the resistance, you must force the issue here and MAKE plans, four hours alone together. ... By the way, it may be that some important/heated/dificult discussions may happen instead of fun and loving and relaxing. But, always nice to move through what's blocking things up!

This may not be a very popular opinion, but it sounds to me that your husband isn't necessarily looking for "us" time but maybe just some "him" time. That is not to say that there isn't some need for "us" time, but if he is feeling "overwhelmed" and "over-committed" maybe he just needs some down time-time to decompress and be the leader of his destiny, even if it's just for an hour.

My husband and I were totally stressed after #2 came along and we finally worked out a schedule, as unromantic as that sounds. I'm a SAHM, but I really need alone time that does not require me to be "on" for the kids all the time. And the husband just wants to know that if he wants to go do something he enjoys he can do it without any harping.

So, it goes like this: Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays are my nights to be fully kid responsible, including putting them to sleep. Tuesdays and Saturdays are dad's days to be kid responsible. Wednesdays & Sundays are shared responsibilities. Some days it's really hard and usually the other spouse notices and helps out-or calls of distress are made:)

It has really worked for us and has allowed both of us to enjoy our separate hobbies (me yoga, knitting, time away from home, him video games, sports) without resentment. I do plan every now and then to have someone watch the kids on one of our shared nights and we do our favorite thing: dinner & a movie. I hope that helps!

Hi K.! \''/

First and foremost, babysitter is a definate MUST! lol....you and hubby need date night for sure! Don't be a worry wart regarding your child being at the well trusted babysitter.

BUT....you both need to find out what you're interests are too. What he likes, you may not like...BUT in order to get close and more intimate with your hubby (vice versa now....it works both ways), if you don't like his choice, I would get involved with him anyway....ask questions and be sure to let him know that you don't understand what's going on and that he needs to explain certain things to you.

There are so many things you can do as a couple.....go to a movie, go to a concert, how about bringing a homemade dinner to a nice park....yes...wearing warm clothes, mittens, gloves, hot tea. These are only ideas. If you like working out, then how about a nice walk, just the 2 of you...making it fun too. Remember what it was like when you 2 first started dating? I love talking about when we first met. It's just like yesterday. I was smitten from day one. He says the same. I never hesitate to let my hubby know, or remind him of the day we met....it was pretty special.

I wish you a lot of fun on all of your date nights. Take care and have loads of fun!!! Your relationship will get deeper. \''/
M.

Having 5 kids, my husband and I are good at "stealing" time with each other.
We use to buy a babysitter and then do our shopping for food. We would swing by McDonald's and have dinner.
I get frisky at night and he in the AM, so we had to learn to get our frisky on the same schedule.
Take 10 - 20 min at bedtime to lay in each others arms and talk. I think this is what has helped our marriage the most.
Schedule a date once a week. You don't have to spend money, you could go window shopping, Walk in the park, Volunteer at the food bank,you put your idea here... you know you and your hubby and you know what you guys like.
If you have a little money to spend, there is "The massage Zone" in Lacey, they will give you time in a hot tub with your partner and then both of you can get massages. I think this is around $90. "Massage envy" on the west side and at the Tacoma mall you can get massages for $40ish and then buy a membership and you get 1 massage a month for free, and the others at a large discount.

Put notes in his lunch
Take a lipstick and write on the mirror in your bathroom a "I love you" message
Sit next to him while watching TV or at dinner
Play footsy at the table
remember to always kiss each other in the morning, and say I love you before leaving the house.

Think about what you did before the little one came along, and tweek it a little......

I hope this helps
B.

DATE NIGHTS!! Book a babysitter, set up a reservation, get dressed up and go on a date with just your husband. You will LOVE the together time and it will force you to communicate. Do it at least a month if you can. It will do so much for your relationship. He has to be your #1!

Make it an absolute priority to have "date night" at least once per month--more if possible. It is really difficult to connect in the evenings after the little one is in bed--either you still have stuff to do, or the temptations of flopping on the couch and turning on the tv or computer are too great. I find that my husband and I get really refreshed after an evening out--just having a quiet dinner together in a quiet restaurant without the constant demands of a little one allows us to focus on ourselves as a couple(not to mention that nobody has to cook or clean up). Also, if you have a trusted babysitter or relative, try to get away for a weekend every once and awhile. Lastly, try to think of little ways of showing your husband that his needs don't always come after the child's needs. I think a lot of men struggle with feeling neglected after a child enters the picture. I used to think my husband was acting a bit selfish and spoiled, but then I realized how much he gives up to be a father. Of course, we mother give up way more, but we are mothers--and we have this sacrificial instinct within us that pretty much allow us to pour ourselves into our children without a second thought. Okay, I am starting to babble here. Hope these thoughts are helpful

Hi K.
It sounds like it is time to take invintory of your life's and all that goes on. Things are scheduled and placed in prioritys of what is most important. It sounds like scheduleing time with your husband has just been penceled in and over looked WAY to long. The care and feeding of a husband is just as important as that of the child you both brought into this world. It is said that when a women has a child and a husband she really has two children, one older than the other. If your husband is expressing that you have said than he is at the breaking point and as a man he will fix him self any way he can before he cracks. Going on one long weekend is not the answer it is just a bandaid. Your time together as a coupple is the glue that holds him together and if that is important to you than it is time to scedual regular quality time together. In all this scedulaling of your time do not forget to include you and your care and feeding in this scedula. You both have needs and wants and there is allways middle ground that the NEEDS can be met.

DATE NIGHTS! We would have probably been divorced by now if we didn't get at least, AT LEAST ONE date night a month but we try and get out twice a month. It is so worth the babysitter to feel like ourselves again. No worries, stress free no rush night! Also if what you want to talk about you can do face to face which sometimes we feel like that then we write each other a letter to break the ice. Communication is the key! Hope you guys get through your brief struggle and get back to feeling less overwhelmed and happier soon!

Best wishes!

A simple touch can send a comforting sense of security. When you walk by him, touch him on his shoulder or back. We love to be touched (for the most part). When you sit and watch a tv show or the news hold hands or lean into eachother. Then also if you can get away for a day without the little one. Set aside some time for eachother. It is very important to have time for eachother. My husband and I have been dealing with the same exact thing....we have NO time for eachother. I have been the one pushing him away because I am so exhausted. Also communication is a key part to a relationship. Good luck - it's hard and so easy to loose touch on our relationships with our spouses/significant others.

My husband and I don't get out much either. We're both busy. He works full time and has a long commute. I stay home with 4 kids. We are often being pulled in different directions.

The way we make it work is to spend time together when we have the chance. We try to go out without the kids at least once a month, but it doesn't always happen. Some people will tell you that when you go out, you shouldn't mention work, or kids, or any of your responsibilities. I have found that approach impractical, and not even desirable. We don't spend our time out working on issues, but we do talk about the things important to us, so conversation usually involves work and kids.

My husband calls me from work each day and we chat for a few minutes. It usually isn't very substantial, but it's nice to say and hear "I love you" in the middle of the day.

We watch tv together at night. And at commercials, instead of flipping too much, we talk to each other. We discuss our opinions about the show, which will sometimes lead to a deeper discussion. Sometimes it's not much more than saying how much we love that show, and that joke was so funny. But it is shared time where we talk to each other.

Be supportive of your husband, try to get out together once in a while, talk to each other and tell him you love him. Hopefully he will get to the point where he realizes that the freedom he's given up by becoming a parent is more than compensated by the joys of family life.

PS - If money is an issue with going on dates, I have a friend who has a date night every week on her couch with her husband watching a movie and eating popcorn. She taught her 4 kids that date night means the kids stay upstairs and in bed. Then they could spend time together without incurring so much expense.

Sounds like you need some alone time together... Two years old is plenty old enough to leave with a grandparent or a good friend for a couple of days. Take a weekend away to nurture your relationship - talk, snuggle, go on a date, have dinner somewhere nice, hold hands, have sex - you won't believe how much better this will make you both feel to spend time as a couple again! He needs you to give him your full attention without distraction, show him that you love him and respect his needs too. If there is no way you can have a weekend away, then make an extra effort to spend quality time together after your little one has gone to bed. Forget about all the stuff you've been saving up to do until after she's asleep - just sit together, watch a movie, and snuggle on the couch. You won't regret it later - nurturing your relationship with your husband is so important and will benefit all of you. Best wishes!

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" both by Dr. Laura Schesslinger(sp?). You won't be sorry, she has amazing advice and really knows her stuff. A lot of people don't like her but she is right on as far as husbands go and marriage.

A. G

it's great your husband is communicating this to you (lots can't or won't). i'd say maybe not so much w/ the talking and more with the doing. generalizing, but talking about it doesn't have the same effect for men as it does for women.
Call in whatever favors you can and get a day or night off for you and your husband to go out and do what you used to do before you were parents. i don't think it even has to be alone time, altho some of that is definitely good ;) but, if you used to hike, socialize, golf or play darts at the bar- find a way to get out and have fun together (and not have to get home in 2 hours) the idea is for him (and you) to feel a little of that freedom from the old days.
and don't forget to do it again next month!
also, if there is any way you can, plan yourself a nap the day before and after, b/c going out is way more tiring than it used to be! :)

I bet you've already gotten this advice, but, just make it a priority to make your lives more together and less stressful. Identify some major stressers - not enough time together, messy house, not enough money, whatever, and then attack them.

I highly recommend hiring a babysitter and spending time together, alone, doing things you know you enjoy. (If you can't afford a babysitter, maybe you can find a friend who would be willing to swap evenings of babysitting with you.)

If you have trouble getting to all the chores, look into hiring help to help you finish them. If you're stressed about money, look into examining and fixing your budget.

If your husband needs time to unwind, see if he'd like to play a sport once a week, or plan a monthly guys night out. (You should get the same treatment.)

I find that the changes may be hard, and may take a while, but are worth it. Good luck!!

You are not alone. There is just a time in marriage where children and life slurp up all your energy.
Have you tried a "date night"? I find special time alone does not happen unless we schedule it. It can be any time of day, even setting the alarm an hour earlier and taking a walk together, just focusing on each other.
Pick a date that works for you both, find a sitter and plan something you will both enjoy doing together.
Good luck and remember this too shall pass.
Blessings on your family,
~ L.

Hi, K.!

My husband and I try to have a date night every month . . . you would be amazed at how even 1 night a month really makes you remember that you're best friends and how much you enjoy each other's company.
We've gone to dinner and a movie a few times . . . a couple times we just spent the evening driving around town and talking to each other about each other and NOT the kids. Once we rented movies and camped out in the back of our mini van which has a DVD player in it. . . that was surprisingly very fun!
Don't think that this will be easy to do . . . sometimes thinking of getting a babysitter and staying out late and being too tired get in the way . . . but do it anyway!

Also, I know it's been mentioned, but the 5 love languages book is worth the read. It helps in everyday life to express in little ways how much you love your spouse. It's such a simple concept, but it really works.

Good luck and remember . . . marriage is HARD work! It can't be great unless work is put into it.
:-) A.

Everyone here has great advice. Men do respond to physical signs of affection much faster. And he needs to see he is a priority to you.

But take care of yourself too. I think people, especially women, try to do too much. Trying to 'keep up with the Jones'' and have the perfect house, perfect family, blah, blah...it's exhausting. And so not worth it.

Your first priorities (besides yourself) are your husband and your daughter.
And you need to make your marriage a priority. You are right to seek help. And how great is it that your husband can identify and express how he is feeling!?
I understand it is overwhelming along with all of your other responsibilities, but you need to let your husband see and feel he is number one more often. And it needs to be sincere.

Date night - or date day - or a day once a week to meet for lunch. You are eachother's anchor through this world. Don't take that for granted.

Get an overnight babysitter, go to a fancy hotel for early movie, dinner, hot tub, and etc. Do it until it feels good. Talk to your husband while you are on your mini vacations as if you are single, do not mention work, parenting, and taking care of the house, bills, etc. Talk about dreams, wants, your daughter--but not tantrums, diapers, etc.

For my birthday, my family pitched in and sent my husband and I to a hotel for a night in downtown Seattle. (My parents and my mother-in-law were visiting and looked after our little one). It was amazing! We got a hotel with a late checkout and just enjoyed our alone time, walking around downtown Seattle without having to worry about our son, going to a movie, going to dinner... all the things we used to do before we were parents. I highly recommend that. However, if you can't swing a night away, what about just getting a babysitter once a week and reconnecting over a leisurely dinner or something like that? I think it's best to get away from the kids totally and get out of the house, personally.

Hi K.,

I know its tough to do but you could try setting up a date night once a month where the two of you could at least go out to dinner together without the kid. This may mean some other sacrifices along the way, either monetarily to afford the sitter or sleep wise, but if you two are not happy in your marriage then you can't have a happy family. And has hard as it is now to see, kids need to see their parents having an open loving relationship with each other and taking time to be with each other. You are their model for a loving relationship and boundaries. You daughter will need a strong sense of both in order to have them in her own life later on. Also, don't forget that you each need time to do things as individuals, things that you love doing by yourself. That may only be once a month or every other month but you have to make time for yourselves or you will both lose yourselves and be miserable. If it helps to think of it as a way to provide your daughter with a happy loving family instead of a selfish thing that you are doing just for yourself than do so, because that is exactly what you are giving her by spending time together and doing things that you each love to do as individuals.

If you can find a 10 great dates program that might be a great place start since the program is really about reconnecting with each other as a couple and they often offer very cheap childcare for the dates. It is worth looking into.

Good Luck!
S.

K.,

Hire a babysitter and go out to dinner. The feelings of relief just knowing that you are out and about without your daughter will helps immensely. I have two kids (5 years and 19 months) that I'm with from morning till bed time. The relaxation that I feel knowing they're safe and not under my feet is wonderful.

Melissa

I haven't read all of your responses so I could be repeating. My suggestion would be to schedule a Gottman weekend. The next one is Dec 6-7, 2008. You can check their website out www.gottman.com. It is done from a scientific point of view which appeals to men. We have not done this ourselves yet, but we are planning to. From what I understand, it basically focuses on your friendship the first day (and rediscovering it) and then works on conflict resolution the next day. I have several friends who have done it and have really reconnected and really enjoyed it.
I'm feeling a bit like your husband- overwhelmed and over-committed. Ask what you can do to help him. Does he just want a stronger connection with you or is there actually anything you can do to help. Good luck, S.

I share many similarities with your life, and my husband and I have had real challenges adapting to our "new" relationship within the context of having a child. I am such a different person since becoming a mom almost two years ago; some wonderful changes and some surprising, and occasionally disappointing. It has seemed that we have had to reinvent ourselves, and definately our passion and connection from our "BK" time (before kids) is diminished. I have to accept that I am different than the woman he married, but I feel like such a better version of "me", even with the exhaustion and tantrums. I try to remember that his needs have stayed pretty much the same, while mine have morphed A LOT! The only absolute necessity for us is to maintain our physical connection, stay involved sexually, and try to treat each other as a friend (really hard sometimes). We have been known to leave our daughter with a friend for a "date", and the first thing we do is head home for some naked couple time. We don't get much time alone together, but we love naptime on the weekends so we can have some intimate time too. I have found that I am much more likely to be interested in sex during the day, than at night when I am tired and drained. So we adapt and try to put our relationship before the laundry and dishes - some days it works better than others:) Good luck!

I agree with date nights as mentioned below. Yes, turn off the TV and even just be quiet together. Regardless of income, you can create alone time with your spouse.

You state "I want to do something to help." Your husband is the one who stated he is unhappy. What is he doing to help? Is he in this with you or is he already checking out?

No matter how tired you are, talk about it. Why is he not happy? What contributes to his feelings of overcommitment and overwhelming? And are you not happy too? If it's hard to find time to talk, pull out your Blackberries and schedule a time to talk just like you would an appointment with your boss or your doctor. Sounds cold, but if it's what you have to do to talk, do it. Don't save the big talks for date nights. Date nights are once or twice a month. You need to be there for each other the other 29 days a month too.

So when you talk, what is happening? Are you learning something new about each other, sharing goals, finding solutions, having fun, supporting each other, making plans, comforting, encouraging, venting? Sometimes all the talking in the world doesn't work and that's because you're talking different languages. Or you're only discussing your job. Or your child. Or you're infusing sarcasm. Or talking only to hear yourself. Sometimes you need help from outside sources.

I don't know your financial situation, but there are low-income services for therapy in Seattle and many churches offer help as well. (For example -- http://www.samaritanps.org). I was literally out the door when my husband finally agreed to therapy (after begging him for three years) and while we still have a lot to do, it has certainly helped us.

I believe in Love Languages as mentioned below, and there are tons of great couples books you can buy or get through a library. But you both need to be engaged in the process.

And don't neglect yourself. You can't be a good parent, a good partner, a good lover, a good friend, nor a good co-worker if you don't take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Therefore I recommend a book that has become my rock called "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend. It was recommended to me by my therapist. It has biblical references yet the messages inside can stand alone without the religious footnotes. I've given this book to several of my friends.

Good luck, K.. Fight for you marriage. Let your husband know how important he is in the way he needs to hear it -- through his appropriate love language. ALSO let him know you need to know how important you are. You can't do the work for both of you. Get a third-party professional involved if necessary and try to get back on track.

I feel for you. I've been there. Pay attention, get him engaged, and do the work. It's worth it. Good luck!

Date night! Find a babysitter and go out regularly, whether it's once a week or once a month. Go for walks, go bowling, go out to eat, go to a movie, make out in the car - do things you used to do before you were parents. And try, try, try to talk about anything else except your child and parenting issues. Putting focus and energy on each other is renewing and absolutely vital. Good luck!!!!!!!

K.

I agree with date night. So important! If you can't make it work to get out of the house, then after you get your daughter in bed, make it special just the two of you. You can read to each other. You can make a fancy dinner together. Or you make it, and after you feed daughter and get her in bed, then you and he can eat. You can even dress up! It feels great for him to know that he is important to dress up for, and vice versa. If finding a babysitter is an issue, what about trading sitting with friends who are in the same boat? We have done that and it is great (although sometimes hard to find someone that you feel comfortable doing that with).
One thing I would really recommend doing, is for about a week or so, you both think about any goals that you have. Make a list of them all. Don't limit them by throwing in "reality checks". If you want to tour Europe, then put it down. Don't worry that you will never have the money. If you really want to get a degree in law, put that down. Don't worry that you think you will never have the time to do it. Then after you have both had a chance to come up with some goals, then meet together for a special date (can be just this, or over dinner, or hot drinks at a coffee house) and talk about all your goals and why you put them down. Chances are you will find things out that you didn't realize were important to each other. If it helps, when I did my list, I thought of different areas to help narrow down different goals- marriage, family, financial, spiritual, hobbies, educational, etc. I think this is a great reconnecting exercise. Then work on helping each other to meet some of the goals. And you never know, maybe some of those ones that you thought would never happen, might actually happen one day! You can also carry it further, by saying that for the next year, instead of purchasing gifts for each other, you can help the other person accomplish one of their goals.

(this idea came from a friend of mine, who got it from a book- can't remember the name, but I think it was Eat, Pray, Love- or something like that)
Good luck,
J.

You need some help! Not just a sitter for a couple hours, but a weekend away. Are there any grandparents that might be up for this?

Have you thought of a marriage conference? Weekend to remember are good conferences.
Do little things every week to reconnect. A date night even if it a nice supper and movie after your daughter is in bed Friday night. What destresses both of you?