Seeking Help with the TEENS I AM GROWNER than YOU

Have you ever had a game night, where the kids get to pick the games? We have done that and the kids really enjoy it. You order pizza nd just hang out and play.

What you're describing sounsd like perfectly normal teen behavior to me. Your daughter is in that icky spot between wanting to be grown and have her own life (choosing time with friends over time with you) and not being quite ready to be completely on her own (complaining that you don't spend enough time together).
There could also be some resentment (even if it isn't deliberate or even conscious) about you taking care of other people's kids when she needs you. She may feel that their needs cause her need for you to be pushed aside, so she pushes you aside.
Have you tried telling her that you'd like to do something together and then letting HER decide what the two of you will do, and when and where you will do it? Maybe she feels that you're pencilling her in where you don't have anything else - let her choose the day and time, and cancel whatever else you may have scheduled. Every now and then, my 17-year-old and I pick a day when neither of us has to work, my husband and her boyfriend stay home, and she and I go out and spend several hours, sometimes even the whole day together. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money - sometimes we just go get coffee and then go to the park and play on the swings, sometimes we take the dog out to the LSU lakes, sometimes we go to a chick flick, sometimes we run just run errands together that we would normally run separately.

Oh, my heart goes out to you...I've been there & done that & raising my hubby's two granddaughters (6 & 12). The oldest girl is a slightly "special needs" child & a master liar! Thank goodnes for the Lord! You can't separate your children from the "world" at this age but you, through example, can show them you can still have loads of fun and be a "PK"! I grew up with parents who were youth directers & we always were doing something...lock ins...board games...theme nite...putting on a church musical...let them plan it...doing something for the elderly in your church...yard clean up, cooking...let them host & bake (under supervision) a church dinner & charge a miminal fee then take them on a trip...let them select some things they'd like to do then draw from a hat...! Crazy pj. nite...you need to do something to make them want to be there & bring their friends....! My first family...daughter was my "hand full" even though we were in church...but through prayer I'd always be where she wasn't supposed to be & she never figured it out....PRAYER & HOLY SPIRIT & my being vigilant....you can't ever let your guard down....! Host BBQs & water balloon fights in the summer...check with the library....take them fishing...just simple crazy stuff that doesn't require electronic video games...seems like that's all they know how to entertain themselves with....good luck.....!

I can symphatize with you. I have a 20 year old daugher, 17 year old daughter and a 15 year old son, plus a 9 year old sone and a 8 year old daughter. I had problems with my 17 year old a few years ago. She didn't want to abide by the rules (I must know where you are, grades must be acceptable and you will go to church), so she moved in with her father (my ex.). She cut all ties with me, but eventually (a year and a half later) she came back home. Things weren't what they were cracked up to be out there. I can't give you any advise except what was given to me. Pray and Pray hard. My preacher told me that she was like the prodigal son and if I would give it time and pray about it, things would work out. It didn't look like it at the time, but he was right, as always. She is a much better person now, we still have alot of work to do with her to get her on the right track, but thankfully, no drugs or anything like that, just a 24 year old fiance. I would have never approved her dating someone that old. But we will make it through. Keep praying and I'll say a prayer for you.

Your daughter is behaving like a teenager. Stand your ground, back up your rules, leave the doors to communication open and don't smother her. She needs to find her way while she is still anchored to a safe zone. But do intervene if you see she is going down the wrong path. When she complains about not spending time together, gently remind her of her last decision (to spend time w/her friends); don't argue and suggest a "thing" to do together the next time YOU are free. Hang in there.

Good Morning A......what caught my attention to your letter was that you are a youth pastor. I was the secretary to a youth pastor for 7 years and he and his wife became very close friends with my husband and i. They have 4 kids within 5 years of each other (they are a blended family). We raised 2 boys. Being PK's is a unique issue all by itself. I've listened to these parents and had many very long talks with all of the kids. A., i understand that we are called to help people and the things that you do for others is so very important but remember that the Lord gave you YOUR children....what i have seen from the outside looking in is that PK kids share their parents with everyone else. You have to be very careful that your own kids are your main focus. I understand that's hard....the youth group that i worked with had about 250 kids....you're trying to give them direction and be there when they need you but your kids tend to become secondary. This pastor friend of mine looks back now and sees how by trying to do the right thing took his kids for granted...kind of like we hear of a husband taking his wife for granted. Your teenage daughter is going to do the kind of things that you outlined....saying you don't spend time then wanting to be with her friends. that's a norm from what i've seen....it's teenagers....my thought is to be very careful that you find that quality time with her...at least offer it even if it doesn't exactly work into your personal schedule...i'm not saying let her call the shots all the time but let her know you are willing to sacrifice time for her...it's very hard to find the happy medium in your situation...Yes God has called you to minister to others but He GAVE you your children to raise.....and trust me, if you make time with her important....some day she will realize that you did.....but that day won't come till she's older....i have 28 and 20 year old boys....the oldest one has over the last 3-4 years begun to see why we did a lot of the things we did and is asking what our reasoning behind our decisions was at the time...he's learning that most of our decisions had more to do with developing his character than anything else.....just love your kids, but still be the parent....sacrifice time...remember that time is the biggest example of our love for others.....good luck....R.

the tighter the leash, the harder she will pull. sometimes you just have to trust her and let her be on her own. still do fun stuff with her, but dont keep her "trapped"

Dear A.,

Reaching out to teens is a noble cause. Being a youth minister is hard on your kids. They may feel that there is an increased pressure to be "perfect".

Here is a link to a blog that I found really helpful. http://christianadhd.com/communication.php The blog has questions from parents and a pastor's answer.

We have a 24 year old son who wasn't a perfect teen and young adult, but was not horrible either. We started his teen years by giving him freedom and balancing it with responsiblity. Here is an example. We allowed him to stay out with his friends until 11 pm, but he had to show us his finished homework and chores before he left to go out. If these were not done, then he did not get to go out. We simply told him, "If you are not responsible enough to get these things done without being told, then you are not mature enough to go out with your friends." He "got it"!

While we raised our son to respect us, we also treated him with respect. He was allowed to voice his opinion but with respect. We responded to hateful words etc... with the truth. When he hurt my feelings once I told him, "Wow, that really hurt my feelings";"Did you really mean what you just said?" He would usually realize he had spoken out of anger and apologize, but sometimes he didn't.

Allowing your teen to be a teen is the most important thing you can do. Take everything they say with a grain of salt. The other day I had to counsel our 12 year old because she was making a statement to manipulate our feelings. I repeated it back to her and asked if that is what she really meant. She looked at me and said, "no". Then she reworded the statement, which seemed more like the truth. I praised her and said I was more willing to allow her to do things if I am told the truth. I told her that when she distorted the truth in an effort to manipulate my decision that I would be more inclined to refuse her request. I purposely paid attention to her requests in the following days and rewarded her when I thought she was telling the truth and withheld a reward if I thought her words were trying to manipulate me. This training will help her later on in life as well.

I will sum it up to this; respect, honesty, faith, and love. You have to have it toward your children and your children should be taught to have it toward you. Also remember grace when your kids do something wrong. Discipline them but don't forget to let them know that your love is unconditional.

There are so many good books on PKs. Mardel has several of them. Here is a prayer for you and your family!

Happy Valentines Day,
Paula

i really am not sure this advice is right but maybe your children feel left out b/c you are always trying to do more for someone else... i strive every day to tell my parents i love them and i am 24 but i still crawl in my mom's bed when i go home... of course i am the baby but i love to spend time with my mom i am popular and outgoing... my mom calls me all the time to take me and my friends to lunch if she can't get just me she invites them too maybe that's an idea... an all girls day go shopping and go out to eat

A., I know this sounds hard, but if you do what is right she will eventually come back to you. Keep offering to do things with her. Remind her, without blame, when she complains about the last time you offered but she refused to do things with you. Keep asking her questions, be interested in her life and opinions. Keep the door of communication open from your end. But be prepared for her to slam it in your face often. She really doesn't mean it, she is probably trying to find her place in the world and she defines that through her separation and independence from you. This is a tough time I know. I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl also. My oldest is the girl though. So she thinks her brother gets away with a lot too. She forgets the age difference. I used to be very close with my daughter and when she turned 15 she started pulling away. You have to be strong and loving and DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY! They don't mean most of what they say and don't understand the pain they are inflicting to us Mothers. A friend of mine keeps telling me, "this too shall pass". She wasn't kidding. I have to trust that the morals, honesty and faith I taught her will stick. And they have. My daughter is now almost 19. She is slowly letting me back into her life. We are friends now and I love the grown-up she is developing into. It will take a few more years but I know I will still be an important part of my daughter's life no matter where that takes her. I was very blessed to have such a strong family myself, so I know forgiveness and patience is a necessary part of motherhood. Good luck! Keep up your trust in God to watch over her and you'll be fine!