Seeking Help with Sibling Jealousy

Some poeple have given there child a baby, That way they took care of the baby doll, when mom or dad where taking care of the real baby. Also some hostopiles have classes for people to help there other children trans before the new one comes.

I have a set of twins and they are jeouly of each other and then i had my sec prego 7years later. They lover her, but they all have there times.

Hi H.,
There are a few things you can do. When you talk about the baby, talk about it being her baby brother and not just 'the baby' and talk about how she is a big sister. get her a baby doll and don't stress about it, she might play with it and she might not, but she might play with it more when the baby comes. get her a gift from the baby and give it to her at the hospital when she first see's the baby and fuss over her and not the baby. when you get home and they are both crying, go to her first (the baby won't remember, but she will). finally try not to worry. Many kids that hate when their mommy holds someone else's baby, but are different with their own sibling.
Good luck and congratulations!

Our daughter fell in love with a neighbor's toy about a week before our second child was due. I searched high and low and purchased that toy for her. Wrapped it up and put a note stating it was from her brother. Just saying thankyou for welcoming him into the family and that she was going to be the best big sister. We really made a big deal about how it was from the baby for her. She loved and still does love that toy 3 years later. We gave it to her the day he came home from the hospital. I also went out and purchased an insane amount of crafts and activities for her to do when I was busy with the baby. I stashed them away and gradually pulled them out when I really needed time with the baby. Making sure you have time alotted for the older child is very important. I think the fact that you are already thinking of ideas of what you can do to ease the transition is wonderful. I think this alone shows that you are a great mom and you will be very sensitive to your oldest needs. Best of luck and congrats on your growing family!

Heres some things I was told to do that helped.
1.Always refer to the baby as her baby so she feels ownership of it.
2. Let her be involved with care and dont nag her too much if she gets it wrong. This shouldnt be a problem if you are constantly supervising her.
3. Dont over react if she does something like try to pick up the baby. Quickly amnd quietly intervene, gently repremanding her or it may becomea big attention issue to try to hurt the baby.
4. Sometimes if thebaby is fussing and you are busy with her you can say "just wait baby I need to do this first with (duaghters name)". It makes them feel important and you may fall into the trap of telling her 'not now mummy needs to do this withthe baby". Telling the baby to wait reverses it.
5. Get a hubsband or froeind to help so you can have a mummuy daughter date once a week.
6. Get a good baby sling so you can be hands free and still take care of your daughter.

Good luck! I have 4 kids and by the time #4 came its now how can I get my kids to get off the baby as they love him too much!!

She will surprise you when its your own .i am sure of it

My son was two when my daughter was born and was also very attached to me and jealous when my attention was elsewhere. A few things seemed to really help: I referred to the baby before she was born as "our" baby or "your" sister. I asked him to be my helper (bringing diapers to me,etc). Last, whenever he got jealous and asked me to do something (always the minute I sat down to nurse or change the baby), instead of saying said "no" or "I can't right now" I tried to say, "sure, just a soon as I am done with this."
Despite my worries he loved his sister from the start and still does!

Get her a big sister shirt, let her help with buying and setting up crib, don't talk about it so much and as soon as you have the baby, have her hold it as soon as possible.

Also bring her to ob visits and let her hear heartbeat and see ultrasounds. That way she can see, hear it.

I've had 5 and never a problem

There's a lot of good advice already. I just wanted to add that we made our older son a "helper." He would do little things like when I would change his brother's diaper, he would get to go throw it away and he would go get a pair of socks. That made a world of a difference because he was so excited to be included. We also would ask him to show people his baby and that helped too. He LOVES his brother and they giggle a lot and "talk" to each other when no one is around. Good luck!

Hi,

I've got two boys, ages six and four. I read a book that's been very helpful: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. You might want to take a look -- it's pretty mainstream and might even be at your local library.

My daughter was 24m when my 2nd daughter arrived last July. She also loved babies, but threw horrid tantrums whenever I held another baby in the months before our 2nd baby arrived. We bought a few "big sister" books and began reading them to her before baby was due. We found them very helpful. We also started having her Daddy spend one-on-one time with our her every day after work. This gave me a chance to relax for 1/2 or so while they played outside, and set up a pattern that continued when baby arrived so our older daughter didn't feel deprived of attention. Also, as others have said, once baby arrives try to include your daughter as your "helper" in as much as possible. Have her hand you wipes during diaper changes, sing songs at nap times, pick out what outfit baby will wear, etc (anything to get her feeling needed/special). Praise her for helping you and being a great big sister. Our hardest times were when I was breastfeeding. Our daughter did get VERY jealous during these times, despite my attempts to have her cuddle or read books with me on the couch (she did not want to come near me, and would scream for several minutes). All I did was tell her that I loved her and would play/cuddle/etc. with her when the baby was one eating. There were some rough moments during the early newborn days, but it only lasted about 2-3 weeks, and even then it wasn't all day - just while feeding for us. She displayed great love for her sister from day one, and I think it's just normal for there to be a transition period when the older has to adjust to not being the center of attention. Just reassure her that you love her, and set aside special time just for her (when baby is napping for example). It will all work out! Now our older daughter cries when someone else holds "her Mommy's baby" when we're out - go figure! She also now "breastfeeds" her baby doll, just like Mommy, during feeding sessions!
Best wishes!!

Being the Oldest of 4 with an 8 to 13 year difference between myself and my siblings I too was much like your little girl When my first grade teacher announced to the world i was a new Big sister I announced to the world I HAte her. I grew out of it and really do love mykid sister. Assure her as my mom and dad did to me she still very special and always will be and as my mom would say tell her " I wont love you anymore but i won't ever love you any less"" She told us that even as grown ups with kids of our own. Assuring her shes still as special as ever usually works and Hubby needs to do it too it has to be a total effort

I guess I wouldn't call this sibling jealousy yet, but I hear your fears. At that age, my girls were day-care children as I worked full time. They were, therefore more attached to other adults, as well as mom, and they had a network of other children in their lives at the sitters.

I believe children are very good at telling you what they need. Obviously your daughter feels she needs to cling when Mom might be doing something else. Perhaps a way to deal with this is not to do so when it happens -- Instead, have Daddy spend extra holding time, so the need to be held moves to her other parent. That way, later, when you are holding or nursing the baby, Daddy can be holding her, or playing games with her, and she will feel treasured at the same time. You can do this with friends, too. They can ask if they can hold your daughter, and when she says it's okay, then they can ask if it's okay to give their baby to Mom to hold so their arms are free to hold your daughter. Let her make those decisions, and honor them when she says it's not okay for her mom to hold that other baby. The more control she has over her environment, the more relaxed she will be about Mom holding some other child.

(I used to use nursing time with #2 as a time to read a book to #1. We kind of all cuddled together as best we could and we read LOTS of books !!)

When around other babies, another thing you could do is ask if she would like to hold the baby, rather than you holding the baby -- (assuming the mom is cool with this) You pretty much support the baby, but let her get settled in a comfy and safe place, then lay the baby across her lap let her "hold" the baby, and touch it, and talk to it. Praise her for being a big girl, and being big enough to help moms with babies. (You'll also need to be sure she understands that she is helping, and not old enough to hold babies all on her own.) Babies tend to be kind of boring, so don't be surprised if she pushes it away and heads off to some other game . . . Just be prepared. :-)

At diaper time, she can help by handing baby wipes, and diapers to you, and she can stick the tabs down (unless you are using diapers with pins, like I did !!) When it's something you and she do together, it can be fun for her, and it might help her to mature a little.

The other thing is to remember that these are concerns. They aren't a reality yet, and age 2 is a growing year in which kids generally begin to attempt a level of autonomy. Praise her for the appropriate autonomy and understand and deal with what is inappropriate. But be sure she feels it is safe to become more autonomous, doing big girl things, etc. We had a golden book called, "The Big Enough Helper", which was about a kid helping Mom with the laundry, but we read it a whole lot cuz the girls loved it. The story line is about a kid who wanted to help, and Mom was frustrated, and told her she was too small, etc., to help, but a guy in the laundromat asked her to help entertain his son, and she did. Then she folded socks with the guy -- and Mom ended up giving her a big hug and apologizing for not thinking she was big enough to help. Maybe that's why the kids loved it so much -- cuz it was Mom at fault, not the kid !! But the idea is to become a "team" of sorts with your daughter, so she will consider taking care of her little brother as something you do as a team, with different ability levels for sure, but not something that divides the team.

When our #2 was born, I discovered #1 wanted to sit in the little car seat, play with the baby toys, etc., and we generally allowed that to happen when the car seat wasn't in use, etc. She wanted to be a "baby", and that was okay, as long as she wasn't pushing the real baby out in order to use the baby toys. #1 child can provide lots of entertainment for a young sibling who can't sit up, because #2 can watch #1 move all over the room, listen to them talking, and stuff like that.

the other thing we did, that worked very well, is that we selected a toy (a wee little weeble doll house, which will date my children --ages 27 and 24 now) that we thought our 2 year old would really LOVE. And when the baby came home to live with us, her older sister received a special gift. This helps, too, if people are bringing baby gifts to you. That is the part I found hardest on the older sibling -- the baby is so "exciting", and everyone wants to hold the baby, and everyone wants to give it gifts. You can help in some ways, by handing off the baby, and using that time to hold your older child, and let your older child unwrap the gifts and, then maybe your family will come with a small gift for your daughter instead of a baby gift. Those moments are very special, even if you "Plant" them, because they will meet a need your child at 2 will probably not be able to express without acting out.

Good luck !! I am a parent who actually LOVES 2 year olds !! So I'm probably a little wierd. I love the teenaged years, too, and most people fear and/or hate those years !!

barb

I have 3 children all 7 years apart. When I was pregnant with my youngest I took my 7 year old to my doctor visits with me. This way he could hear the baby's heart beat and see the ultrasound. Maybe if your daughter goes to the doctor with you see will understand more. Trust me kids understnad more than we give them credit for. Also check the hospital for sibling classes which is a class to help kids adjust to having a baby in the family. I hope this helps.

tell her she is going to be the big sister. let her know though you give daddy a hug or the dog sits on your lap you are still her mommy. may be your husband should start taking her out and doing small things together,just the two of them. she also sounds like she is having some seperation anxiety issues. some of this is normal and in terms of the baby she will have to learn to share when her brother comes. i would buy her a shirt before he comes that says i am the big sister and stress the importance of her being the big sister. let her know the baby needs mommy jsut like she did when she was a little baby. congratualtions to you and good luck

Probably the more chances your dughter gets to let those feelings out the better. By the time her brother comes, she may very well have cleaned out some of that upset and be more able to really welcome him into your lives. My second son was 3 1/2 when his younger brother was born, and there have been many many upsets about who gets Mama's lap, etc. But almost 3 years later it's about half as bad as it used to be, and a new portion of their sibling relationship is emerging- a friendship which involves lots of laughter and spontaneous loving. Good luck with it all, but please don't try to avoid the upsets- face them and move forward. Your children will gain so much from it all.
C..

There are flower essences you can give your daughter for jealousy. One of them you can buy at Whole Foods. I am a flower essence practitioner in Bala Cynwyd and you can call me so I can tell you how to administer them and according to all that is going on, what to buy. Children respond to flower essences very quickly, they work on the emotional body and are very safe. My name is R. and my number is ###-###-####

Hi H... Just thought I'd let you know that friend of mine went through the same thing. Check out your local hospital.. I know my friend went to a 'sibling' class there to help them cope. It was beneficial, and turned out that the little girl fell in love with the new baby. Good Luck to you.

Hi H.,

My girls are 26 months apart and I like you I was very worried about how Eryn would react to the baby when we came home. Other people commented about how it was always me and Eryn and they couldn't imagine her w/me and a baby. So I bought her a baby doll so she would have her baby and I made a real effort to include her w/the day to day baby activities so she would not feel left out. The baby is almost 22 months and we have had minor jealousy issues over the last two years but it was not at all what I expected or was worried about. Eryn still likes to help w/Samantha and she will go up to her and kiss her and hug her and tell her I love you Samantha. So my suggestion would be to try not to worry about it and when you are holding the otther babies try to involve her w/it and maybe she won't get so upset.

Good Luck.

S.

I went through the same thing What I would recommend doing is try having a nice talk with her. She needs to be included in everything with this new baby. Have her help put items away. Let her make some small decisions(Ask her opinion) When you have your talk with her let her know that you are really going to need her help and she will feel more needed than jealous. Give her a task to do before the baby comes and then let her carry it out when the baby does arive. Do practice runs with the task so she knows she will be involved. Then reward her by telling her how much of a help she was and tell friends and family in her presence so she can hear you but also include the new baby. I hope this is helpful to you.

Things that worked with my children: I talked to the older sibling a lot about how fun it would be when we had "our" baby. I stressed the fun and also said that she/he had a really important job. The baby would not know how to smile. I was going to need help with that. This worked very well. Older sibling has to smile to "teach" the baby and just that act helped in a positive way. I also made sure that it was looked at as something special for the whole family. I showed the older sibling pictures of her/his baby pictures. I then would casually stress the advantages of being older. Also, don't make the worry about the jealousy a big deal. I would stress how the heart can expand to love many people and many things in this world. Good luck and enjoy! D.

I have a 25 month old also and just had a baby 3 weeks ago. My son hated it when I held other kids, but he Loves his sister and doesn't mind my holding her as long as I can either play with him at the same time, or hold him too. The only time he seems to get upset is when I am putting him to bed and she is still nursing or fussing and I am holding her at the same time. I don't know what we did, but he really transitioned better than we could have expected since he would get so upset before she was born when I held other kids. I did read a book "From one child to two" that had some interesting tips, but mostly, I just followed his lead to see what he was comfortable with. Good luck, and it will all work out!

The best advice I got when I was pregnant with #2 was to focus on my first child. Your first child needs to know that she is loved. When the baby is born feed him and put him down. An infant doesn't care who holds him....he just wants fed and rocked. Let others help out with his care for as long as you can. Also, let your daughter know that the baby is "hers". Eventually she will feel special that she has a baby all her own. Best of luck to you.

My son just turned 2 in feb. I had a baby in Dec . the whole time i was pregnant. I refered to the baby as Collins baby brother orCollins baby brandon. giving the baby a name helps for them to understand when the baby is no longer inside of you, they here you still refer to the baby as there baby. I encouraged him to hold his baby (by holding mommies belly and to kiss his baby . although he wouldnt kiss dad or me he would kiss his baby in my belly. the other thing we did was show him alot of his pictures from the hospital and from when he was a baby and said thats baby collin. kinda reminds him what a baby is and that someone was holding the baby. He was a little confused the first couple days home from the hospital, but loves to hold his baby and give him kisses. he actually gets upset if he doesnt feel he is done holding the baby and we take the baby from him before his is ready. Also make sure she gets special attention all of her own,make a bigger deal out of the things she does. praise her more for all the little things she already has accomplished. because she will hear you say things to the baby like good boy or girl when they burp, poop or what ever.youll be excited when the baby coo's and smiles. just remember she is your baby too and still needs all the special affirmations. youll do great, you abviously did with her or she wouldnt love you so much. try hugging her , with daddy as a group hug and see if that helps at all . best of luck.keep us posted.
M.