Seeking Advise Regarding Spouse's Drinking.

I personally would sit him down and say in a nice calming way of how you feel about his drinking, and ask him why he feels the need to go out and drink and say that if it continues, I will have to look into other options.

I hope this helped a bit.

A.

J.,
Are you a Christian?
I am and i believe that if you pray to God and ask him for help he will help you.

When you pray you need to ask for what you want.
I would pray to the LORD to give you the right words to have to say to your husband and i would ask the LORD to please talk to your husband before you to talk to him so that he will not get upset and that he will be understanding and that he will respond to you in a good way.

Remember your husband is drinking because he is stressed or because it is something that his buddy's do or because he loves it and he likes the way it makes him feel.

We as WIFE"S can not change our husband, if they want to do something bad enough then they will.

I am sorry if none of this is helping you but i would say TRUST IN THE LORD AND PRAY.

Take care, God Bless you and your family.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
I will pray for you so that you two can have a good talk tonight.
Bye.

From one mother to another.

I have been divorced 3 times for good reason. My first husband was the same way, out several nights a week drinking with friends while I waited at home wondering just when he was going to stumble in. First of all you have to take this seriously and not think it's a habit, he's definitely telling you something. Habits are things you form from when you are little, like tapping your fingers and picking your nose, him drinking is a behavior and it WILL NOT change unless HE TRULY wnats it to change. If you have had the discussion with him in the past and he is getting back to the drinking, then he's telling you that you and the kids aren't important enough to change his behavior for. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it's that he obviously just doesn't put a great deal of importance on his family, but don't feel bad, most men that display similar behavior don't. He's not finding his life at home as satisfying as he use to or he has lost so much respect for you that he doesn't care about even trying to pretend that he's interested in making your marraige work. I know I sound harsh, but it's only because I have been there too many times, and it took all the pain and heartache I experienced to finally get help, open my eyes and understand what I was dealing with. I kept thinking it was something I wasn't doing, but realized NO MATTER what I did, it didn't change ANYTHING!!! Yea the behavior would change for a few weeks and if I was lucky a few months, but would always return and I would find myself more depressed and confused than the last time I had to deal with it. You have to be FIRM and PREPARED to make a REAL ultimatum to him tonight. Test the waters and see just how far he is willing to push you. Men are like children and you have to treat them as you would a five year old. Tell him that his BEHAVIOR is unacceptable and how it makes you feel. Let him know that YOU respect yourself and your kids more than to allow him to make you feel that way and inform him that if he doesn't STOP, not just try, but STOP making you feel insignificant, then there is no room in your life for him.

Your husband is experiencing "escapism". He may not know why he doesn't like/want to be home. So when he says, "I don't know" be prepared with your own fill in the blanks.

You say, "Could it be..."
1. You don't feel comfortable in this new town?
2. You hate that I work?
3. I've placed too much pressure on you?

Expand with why? how can we change? can i make a suggestion? Loving words only or you'll throw fuel on the fire.

My husband was a very angry person but it was an inward angry, no one could really see it because he would laugh and joke, but I knew something was wrong. Everyone and everything bothered him unless he was drinking. He said when he drank, he didn't seem to care anymore or it gave him the patience not to argue with me.

Now, I loved him and knew he loved us, but he just didn't want responibility. He straight out told me he thought the world owed him something before the unfolding of chatostrophic events which marks a year today in which he realized the world owes him nothing!

If your hubby is addicted to alcohol that is different and needs help all on its own.

However, there is a disconnected somewhere. It is because you work and the house isn't perfect like dreamed it would be pre-children? Is it because the girls go to you and not him for things they need and he feels invisable or useless? (my husband had an issue with that last night.) Is it because your the bread winner? Do you criticize him or ask him a million times to do things he promised to do for you a year ago and he still hasn't done (trust me.. i know all about that too!)
Is it because he feels his opinions or authority in the house don't count? Does he feel like he has no control over the household anyway?

You'd be surprised at the answers you may get. But if he starts being honest with you.. DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF. Just simply LISTEN. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life because you know the facts and the real story and it will sound absolutely like a pity me story, but the only thing you can do is listen and validate what he says. Otherwise, you both shut down and its done.

Moving on: Is there anything you guys do together that makes your marriage spark? Do the girls come first? And if so, are you willing to accept that they should come second to your husband?

Can you start doing things you did when you met all over again. Can you become interested in one another and each other's hobbies.

Drinking, from experience, means resentment on one side of the fence or the other, if not both.

I would get mad pete was drunk and having a great time while I was working my behind off cooking, cleaning and getting the kids to bed. (okay, i didn't clean that much.. but kids are hard work!) Meanwhile he payed little attention to our needs (other than monetary) and complained I didn't spend enough time with him despite the fact I would fall asleep putting our two kids to bed, get up, finsih cookie orders, and sleep with him in the middle of the night to make sure his "needs" were met to get three hours of sleep and do it all over again. Hmm...

Is he jealous of your success? Or ability to work and be a mom?

These are things we don't typically think of.

He may resent feeling "lack of freedom" which was given up when you both decided to have kids. lol! He should be over it by now. But in all reality, jokes aside, that may be part of it.

"My spouse is NOT my enemy" - best words i've ever heard. To this day when we fight, one of us always ends up saying it because we forget that it's not about being wrong or right, it's about resolve and being a team by working together to show our children, and the world, we can hold it together without giving up on one another. (i.e. divorce).

The roles in your home should be clearly defined so that each of you know how important you are to one another.

My hubby thought I depended on him and needed him and he could treat me however he wanted because he made money and I didn't.. lucky for him, he was wrong. I cook and clean and put the kids to bed because long ago he asked me to do so. He asked me not to get a job, so that is what I did out of respect for him. For a long time I resented him for that. Especially when I didn't get a break. He complained all the time about not having time to himself! I reminded him of his hour drive to work to jam out and listen to music with cuss words. That at work he can pee without a child asking to look inside! That he has adult conversations on a regular basis.. ect.

Yet, you, you work, and take care of your children, and cook, and clean, and he's out until 2am! Perhaps there is some resentment on your side? I don't know, but I'm putting it out there for you.

Ask him what he thinks the perfect family is. Does he want you to stay home? Would you accept that if he said he would like it that way? Or is his job too little pay for too many hours?

Drinking leads to isolation and depression. The only thing good that happens from drinking is not actually being able to remember what you did the night before. Chances are it was pretty stupid anyway.

Whatever it is, he's hurting too.

Good book suggestion:
1. The five languages of love by Gary Chapman. Easy to read and puts marriage in perspective for both parties. That's where pete and I started when he came home.

Check out www.FamilyLife.com

This marriage retreat changed my life. I've never been happier or more accepting of my role in my home or in life. I went from battling for control nearly everyday (which often we do passively and don't see it as control)and being angry about my circumstance to happily ever after.

There's no magic wand and it takes growth, but J., I gave it to God and He brought me back a changed man. What I didn't know is there was some things in me that needed to change too. Family Life pointed that out to me. Hard to swallow, but eye opening experience.

Something is wrong and/or missing. Only you or he can know what that is and answers don't always come over night. Pray on it. Don't just wait it out though, that won't fix a thing. I speak from experience! :O) Be patient, but work on it in your mind and with each other if there is no pin pointed reasoning or logic. It will take time to unlock it if it's that buried away.

There's some Family Life retreats in florida in the next two weekends, so check it out. It's a lot of fun and you even get a date night.

With all the hope for the future,
J.

well, i think it sounds like his drinking is probably related to what is going on at home. if you guys are sitting down tonight, i think that if you both have a drop down, drug out communication round, then i'm sure you'll both get to the bottom of a lot of repressed feelings. i feel like i'm kind of in the same situation as you are. we've just moved and we've been having more issues than ever before. without writing pages to you about our situation...all i can say is that it is a lot of work to have a working marriage - and didn't everyone say that before we got married? well, this is definitely a bump, but i feel like the more we talk about everything opennly and honestly and both agree to work on things (my husband felt like i wasn't happy to see him when he came home from work and that i was always stressed out about the kids, so i've been making a big - not fake;) - effort to try to show him that i do love him everyday) so, maybe somethings that will come out of your talk, will help him with wanting to come home instead of avoid - which is what he's using drinking for. but, if you feel like you both are working on things and communicating well, and he's still drinking, then i may be worried about alcoholism, and i'd look to AA first before confronting him on it. make sure tonight you both open up honestly, and i pray for your success in communication tonight - even if the "talk" lasts a few weeks! good luck!

I'm 34 too with a drinking husband and I have a 7 mo. old that I'm trying to change my husband for too. I mean, it's one thing to deal with it when it's just affecting you, but another when it's you and your children. I come from a divorced alcoholic dad family and don't want that for my daughter. I just told my husband that 2 weekends ago when it was MY birthday and I went to the spa (his gift to me) that morning and was away from my daughter for the FIRST time ever and then after going to dinner with family, my sister-in-law took me out to dance/drink for the first time and I had an argument the next day with him because he continued to drink at home with my brother while the baby was sleeping and then was hungover making me do everything the next day when I was sick/vomiting from not being able to handle doing that anymore and I felt like I deserved to be hungover for ONCE from my b-day. Anyway, I've battled this since we've been together and he's calmed down A LOT, especially right before we got married because I almost didn't marry him and he knows what's more important, but again, he's an alcoholic and battles the disease/condition. He tries to drink moderately, but slips up every now & then. Then when we decided to have a baby, we discussed and he made promises and has calmed down, but again, still slips up - even if we're at home and it's late it's NOT ok. So, my point is, I really can relate here and know about having "the talk" as we've had many, many talks.

The only difference is he doesn't go out and do it...that's even harder. From what I've learned, just be very careful about how you say things. They can get very defensive (as you know already) and block out what you're trying to accomplish. Try as hard as possible not to sound like you're on the attack or like he does anything "wrong" or on purpose, etc. You have to make it all about how you FEEL and how proud you were of him before when the girls arrived and how now you FEEL worried for their sake or the family as a whole's sake. You have to make him feel like he's going to make the decision to change or slow down at all costs. You cannot make him feel like he has to do anything, although I have and you can ultimately say that you don't want it to be like this for you all/them. Make him feel in control and guilty in a round about way. You have to tip toe around them, which sucks when you really want to let it out, but it won't get through to them unless you take care in how you deliver the talk. Tell him you "work a lot too" and NEED him. They love to feel needed and in control of their own decisions or family. Make it like he's needed for the family - which he is, but I'm trying to tell you how to come across to him, ya know? Suggest that you both need outlets and maybe there are ways you can take turns or do it together sometimes or workout instead if he needs to blow off steam, etc. Trust me, my husband's still a work in progress, but these things work on him. I told mine that I don't want him to be like my dad and be all quiet/grumpy during the day and then a whole other fun, loving person at night - that I don't want her to grow up with a Dad like that. That kind of thing hits home. Then I told him that the older she gets, the less he can do it, so do it now and enjoy it, but not to excess - everything in moderation!! Then HE drank less last week and this week too. Because I didn't tell him not to. They're so like kids!! Especially, alcoholics. Anyway, I'm sure you're exhausted just from reading all of this, so I'll let you go. Best wishes and let me know how it goes. Ask him if he loves you all enough to please try to understand. I'm sure he does. And if he turns defensive/mad, try to write a letter?? Then he has to read and can't interrupt or turn you off in his head or argue. Remember - tell him always how his actions make you feel or what you feel like your family needs. Good luck!!!!

Start off positive. Tell him how much you love him and how much he means to you and your children, then move on to the issue. Don't let it get angry. If the conversation gets ugly, just explain that you didn't want it to be a fight, just a talk and suggest that maybe a different time would be better. Let him choose.

J.:

I come from an alcohlic family. My parents are alive today because of AA. I encourage you to "direct" your husband to this organization. However, no one can make anybody do anything. Therefore, I strongly encourage you to find an Alanon meeting. It will help you to deal with this situation. You can't force your husband to get better, but you can change how you will handle it.
My thoughts are with you. My sister is going this situation now and really struggling. You and your daughters are the most important thing and you need help so that you can care for them.

Please don't ever give up for you and the children!

Trust me!!!

First, I would get on my knees and pray humbly to the Lord asking for guidance. Second, Seek your heart and what do you really want out of this relationship. Third, Is it the people he hangs out with at work or outside the office that causes the influence of drinking. Men usually seek alcohol or tobacco products for a replacement of nuturing. Maybe make his favorite meal.... request couples night out and stick to it. I know what you are going through...my best friend went through this and it was hard to change their schedules to compromise. Try it... I will pray for you.

Be very careful how you open this conversation. You don't want to put him on the defensive and have it turn into a blowout fight. Even though you may not be feeling very loved by him, show him compassion and love -- it's most likely what he needs and it will get you the best response. Tell him how it makes you feel when he stays out late drinking. Offer alternate suggestions. For the best advice, open your Bible to Proverbs 27:8-19.

Collosians 2:3 "In Christ Himself are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

would he consider going to an AA group - you might try Al-Anon for your self whether he goes to a group for himself or not. websites can help you find a local group or your phone book. good luck. i have been sober 3 years now. lots of prayer of others and foot work - its hard on both sides of the bottle. drinking was not the problem - drinking was the solution to my problems. now dealing with the problems the drink is not the quick fix anylonger. he has got to want it.

Hi J., I feel for you. I think you need to realize it isn't you or your kids that keep him from coming home. It's his bad habit that has taken control over his body and life. You should never blame yourself. You have enough to worry about just being a Mom and raising your girls. I haven't been in this situation but have watched several friends and family go through this. My advice is to try and help him. You are together for better or for worse, but you have to realize your children can and will be affected by this. It is not fair for children to watch this happen and will damage them in the long run if he doesn't get better soon. I am a child of divorce and at the time it was hard but better off in a functional environment. You are not alone and this is very common in marriages. Many women think that staying together is better for the kids but really it's actually selfish if there are drugs or alcohol involved. Nothing you say or do will help him if he doesn't get professional help. It's not your fault and this problem will not be solved with "a talk". Please take my advice for your children's sake. If he isn't willing to get professional help, this will go on until he is ready to get help and your children will suffer. Good luck, and God bless.

It is good he knows you want to talk. I am sure he knows what it is about and hopefully he is ready to talk about his drinking and being out so late.
When you talk, be honest about how his drinking is effecting the family. Tell him of your expectations and then listen to him.
I really hope all goes well for you and your family. I too am in the "trying to keep it together" boat. As if being a wife, mother, full-time worker and an individual isn't enough on its own. Now we are the glue that binds our families together. Good luck!
____@____.com

I believe we can change our husbands, but they have to love you enough and what you have to make the changes you request or suggest.
In this situation everyone is going to have a different way to handle it. What works for one isn't going to work for another.
I am more confrontational, where as some are more passive.
I would pray that God helps you to find the right words to say to make a difference. Just be prepared that the difference may not be what you want.
I went through that with my now ex. He was out and didn't come home until all hours etc. Only he wasn't so much the alcoholic as he was cheating on me with another woman (who had been a friend for years). His lies finally caught up with him and I questioned him about it and it was like a deer caught in the headlights. I would not and did not put up with that at all. My kids are more important and worth more than to be put through that.
At any rate, talk to him (you may not like what you hear). Let him know that his behavior is not appropriate for this family. If he's having problems or is going through something you would like for him to tell you so that you can deal with it together. Not avoid it by not coming home or drowning his problems. Alcohol is a depressant, so if you drink because you are depressed it's only going to make you feel worse and the problems will still be there to deal with and if it continues more problems will be added.

Be tough for yourself and for your kids. You can do it!

Look up your local ALANON chapter. This is something that he is dealing with and your confrontation may not be very well received. They can help you formulate what you're trying to get across to him. Drinking problems don't only affect the one doing the drinking. Get some help for you and your family too.
I wish you the best!

I don't have much advice except I would really like to know what happened. My husband is the same way. He comes from a family of heavy drinkers, from his parents to his grandparents. He has always drank a lot. He drinks everynight but at home not out. I am worried that when my children get older they will pick up this behavior like he has. It is a habit for him, coming home and drinking. He doesn't go a night without a drink. He doesn't think he is an alocoholic becuase he doesn't get drunk. I remember when my first daughter was only a few weeks old. He went to a karaoke bar and came home late. Of course our daughter slept in our bed at the time and he throw up all over our bed right next to her. I almost kicked him out and he doesn't do that anymore. He mainly drinks at home and not to that point but I need a change. Any advice on what worked for you would be great. I am worried about losing my family. If I say he is an alocoholic and we get into a big fight he might walk and I don't want my children to not have a father and I don't want t lose him either. He doesn't take critizism well. I also have 2 girls 19mths apart and a third on the way (17mths apart). Good luck with your situation.

Hello J.,
I came across your request and it touched my heart. How does he get home intoxicated? He does not drive under the influence, does he? What is his behavior pattern when he gets home? Does he go straight to sleep? You have been married for 11 years and decided to have two kids, he has to be a good man. It seems like you are not communicating very well. Maybe writing him a letter would be easier for you. Expressing how his drinking causing you and your family so much pain. What would you do if he would suffer from any other kind of disease? You would be there for him no matter what. You are extremely strong and good person to stick to thick and thin. I admire your dedication and your hard work. You are a Super Woman, how do you do it all? In a long run, in order to save your marriage and your family seeking professional help is a must. You need your husband and your kids need their father. "Great marriages produce great parents. Healthy and loving marriages create a sense of certainty for children. A healthy husband-wife relationship is essential to the emotional health of children in the home." Please don't hesitate to contact me (private message)at any time.

Hi J.,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is not an easy situation. The only good advice is to get on your knees and ask God to change him. We cannot change our husbands, only God can thru prayer. Prayer does change things! We might fix the problem for a bit but it always seems to come back. I have a neighbor whom we prayed for that he would be healed of pancreatic cancer. They only gave him until July, maybe December. The Docs said he would be gone by December, he is still here today with us and is completely healed of pancreatic cancer. Please trust in God and pray like you've never prayed before. Alcohol is a sickness when you don't have control over it. Treat your husband as if he is ill. Love him and pray for him. I will try and keep you in prayer. Your children need their father in their lives. Hang in there.
Very Sincerely,
L. Jacobs