Seeking Advise on Pre-puberty Daughter

I had a similar problem with my daughter when she was about 11. She is a smart kid, so I just leveled with her. Told her that I was confused about her new, difficult, behavior; then asked her what she thought might be going on with her. It made a real difference. She was able to see that she was getting scared of starting middle school, and worried about what she looked like, and when was she going to start developing; kind of normal stressors for an 11 year old. Let me tell you, it was such a great thing. The behavior, although it didn't stop, became much more manageable. She became aware of herself and the things that were driving the behavior. And we seemed to get closer too. Just my story, for what it's worth.

I have a daughter who has already gone through puberty.Her attitude started to change in a big way.she used to be very calm and focused and now she does not want to stop talking on the phone.I think the best thing to do is to accept that she is going through a hard time in her life and it is best to let them express themselves in the best and most positive way.

This happens with almost all the middle school girls at the school I work at. You obviously already know it is her hormones. She doesn't have much control over her emotions with the new hormoes running around so I would say to take the emotional aspect out of chores, fights, and behavior issues. Take her to dinner or lunch or a coffee shop for a hot cocoa and ask her to make a listof which rewards she enjoys the most. SHE needs to make the list. (TV, iPod, mall, allowance, friends... if she needs ideas) Then you make a list of behaviors you expect from her (no fighting with siblings, no yelling, wash the dishes, finish homework etc.). While you are at the nice peaceful coffee shop or restaurant, compare lists and match up which responsibility should go with which reward. Make sure you put a time limit on rewards (tv for one hour). On a separate sheet of paper, fold the paper in half with numbers 1-whatever and put Responsibilities on one half and Rewards on the other. If she does not do one of her responsibilities, she does not get the corresponding reward. This can be put on the fridge and she can see it all day long. There is no argument anymore. When she asks to do something, you say, did you finish your responsibility for that reward? Or just point to the fridge. She'll storm off a few times but she'll then go do the job knowing that she made that deal and she had a part in the rule making. This takes the arguments and fights away because she has buy in. I hope that helps - sorry I didn't send this yesterday - I got really busy at work!
-B. E.

hmmm oh wow this is a tough one. now i dont have a daughter her age but i do have a little sister. my little sister felt that she didnt get enough attention because my older sister and i could do things she wasnt aloud to yet therefor she acted out with an attitude and other things to gain attention even if it was negative attention. what my mom had us do (because she worked durring the day) was sit down with her go over her homework and just have small talk about her day. that little bit of one on one attention did help a bit with her out burst but with the ups and downs in hormones its tricky to deal with. maybe your daughter wants more attention because you have to give a lot of needed attention to your mother and mother in law. does she help with them? if possible maybe she can aid a small bit in their care with you. this may bring you closer with her. well i wish you luck on this quest. my daughter is one and i dread her teen years haha. GOOD LUCK!!!

Oh my . . . I wish I had some words of advice, but the truth is that I am dealing with the exact same thing with my 11 year old son! I absolutely could have written your post word for word. I even said to my husband recently that we have to be really careful now about not alienating him, but it's so difficult because he's suddenly got this attitude and smart mouth and the pre-pubescent mood swings - I feel like I am constantly on his case.

I guess the key is to remain firm but loving, and to try to put as much emphasis on positive behavior as negative.

Well, you know, she's just preparing you for the years ahead!! :) My advice is to choose your battles, first off. Ignore the slightly snotty tones (do your own mental eye rolling!) and focus on the bad ones. Ask her to "say it again in a nice voice", get compliance, and let it go at that. Over reacting at this stage makes matters worse. I like the advice one poster gave of walking away, going to your room and closing the door! Also, make sure you are taking care of yourself---get enough sleep, eat healthily and get your 3-4 days of exercise in each week (even if it's just 30 minutes of walking). You will tolerate your daughter's adolescent behavior much better when you are well taken care of! Here is a link to a parenting site with an awesome behavior management technique. We have this book and it works pretty darn well!
http://www.parentmagic.com/

Hi L.,

It must be the "age" because my eleven yr old is the same. I've received some advice and have been told that it is completely normal and it could very well be the hormones kicking in causing the moodiness, sensitivity, etc. My daughter gets awards at school for her personality traits, but there are times when I wish she would bring that home for the family... Just be as understanding as you can, I compare it to PMS. Some days your good, then there are days you want to cry like a baby, you know? Good luck with her.

Hi

Just want you to know that I wish I would have done earlier in age (like age 10 or 11 or 12 yr old) what I am about to suggest to you:

I, instead, finally got up enough courage and sanity to plan and do the activity when my son was almost 13 1/2 yr old. We, in general had done some talking around the house and in the car throughout the years but.... nothing like the following:

Passport to Purity, a program (with CDs) to take your pre-teen on an overnight trip; a one-on-one trip away from the rest of the family. www.passporttopurity.com is the website to read more about it. Here is a sample of one customer's comments on the product, passport to purity.
FamilyLife's Passport2Purity guides parents and preteens on an adventure to maturity.

Customer review
Jennifer (Illinois), a happy homemaker, January 31,2008

What an amazing weekend!

I had originally scheduled to do the Passport 2 Purity program with my daughter when she was 12 but had to cancel at the last minute due to illness. So when I FINALLY took her away last weekend she was 13 1/2! (You know how time flies...) Before we left, I explained to her that the program was geared toward younger kids but that I felt there was still a lot of valuable information so I wanted us to listen to it anyway. I also felt it was valuable as an outline. And yes honey, it’s a little hokey (I’m sorry! it is!) but, hey...let’s just laugh about that together, okay? And we definitely did! My daughter was engaged and interested throughout the whole process, wanting to complete verything and even asking for the stickers at the completion of each chapter. :)

The weekend was a complete success and she started wearing her purity ring around her neck the very next morning! She told me she felt so much closer to me as a result of the time we spent together talking, even through the harrowing moments! I think the most important thing about doing this is that your child will remember, even if you “bomb”, that you loved them enough to make the effort to have the discussion. Personally, I was suprised at how my conviction that it was the right thing to do, made the conversation easier. She will be entering high school next year and it also opened the door to talking about some more explicit things as well because I KNOW she will hear them there but I want her to hear it from me first. Thank you, thank you for this wonderful program.
********

ANYWAY,
another one-on-one program to talk to your daughter about the changes happening to her and what will happen to her in the puberty and teen years is:

Preparing for Adolescence. I don't know if it is offered in CD instead of cassettes. Focus on the Family is the creator of this program. Here is a little description I found in the "resources" from www.family.org

Preparing for Adolescence
How to Survive the Coming Years of Change
Dr. James Dobson
Cassettes

What do you say to a young person who's getting ready to enter those turbulent teenage years? Focus on the Family's Dr. James Dobson knows how to speak directly and sincerely to adolescents about the topics that trouble them most — like feelings of inferiority, the physical changes of puberty and much more. His insights, concern and sincerity quickly win their respect and attention as he helps them in Preparing for Adolescence.
I think it costs $40.

I wish you the best and will be praying for you and your daughter.

Here is my last comment about me:
As it turns out, my son is now 15 1/2 and the reason I did Passport to Purity with him instead of his father is because at that time he was living with me and had lived with me solely since he was a baby. When I had got remarried (when he was 9 1/2 yr old) and rocked his world (I think) of just him and I. I added 2 stepsiblings and a husband to his life. And after a year of being married, when he was 10 1/2 yr old, I gave birth to his half-brother. Wow, what changes for a young boy. I also think that was alot of changes for me, the mom!

L.,

All I can say is try to become her ally and not her adversary in the war starting to wage within her called hormones. She is scared and unsure as to why she is reacting this way. It will become a habit if it is not stopped. The best way is to come beside her and expect some hurtful things to be said but don't get your feelings hurt just look at you daughter with the eyes of someone who has also gone through this. Let her know that it is not okay for her to allow herself to get out of control or say mean things but that you understand because you went through this also. I recommend a book called Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. It has been around for a while but I feel has great insight. Your library probably has a copy.

Good Luck,

Evelyn

She's coming to the age when time-outs and sending to her room no longer work. You're finding out that it actually works against you. Those techniques may work for younger kids but, nevertheless, they don't solve the problem (which is why the problem keeps repeating itself). Try reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...". There are many common sense ways to communicate effectively with teens and preteens, without you both ending up hurt and angry at each other.

I have an 11 year-old girl too. This age can be wonderful but challenging at times.

Hi L.,

I am a family life coach and I work with moms and their daughters during this difficult time. There are many steps you could take to enhance communication. I'm not going to get into them here, but you can email me if you're interested. I also lead workshops for moms and for pre-teens/teens. Even if you're not interested in what I do, there are tons of classes you both could take together at churches, yoga studios, schools, etc. The work I do actually takes place in my clients' homes and I don't work with 'problem children' - I work with healthy families who want to make a difference for themselves and their kids. I work with moms and dads who want to empower their kids to fulfill their dreams and a big part of that is learning to communicate with each other and others. There are a lot of people who do what I do. I think many people think the only avenue for seeking professional help is to seek a mental health expert, go to counseling or therapy and that's simply not the case anymore. There are many people like me who show parents and their kids how to communicate in such a way that they actually get what you're saying and so do you. It might be worth taking a look.

Hugs,
K.

Hi L. - Geez! I had to check the name twice to make sure I wasn't the one who sent this in !! :( I am dealing with almost identical situation with my daughter!! (except for the grandparents and 2 siblings) Same age, just started "." about 3 months ago for the first time. Has never really been a behavior problem either. She and brother are exactly 7 yrs. apart. Sibling fights are terrible. I keep telling her she is a big factor on her brothers behavior because he tries to be like her, etc. Anyway..... I have just been as stern as possible, holding my ground, but explaining to her why she has to do what I tell her to do but always telling her that I LOVE HER and am doing the best job I can with what I know and what my experiences have been growing up. When she says she can't believe I'm treating her a certain way or doesn't like what I am doing, I tell her to write about it in her diary so that when she's older she can reflect and if she really feels that I was unreasonable or unjust in something I said or did then she has the power to change that for her own children should she decide to have any.... I close is saying I will pray for the both of us (you and I, she and I) to get through this with a strong relationship in the end. :) Good luck ;)

Be consistent with the same rules you had before; she is testing and it is your responsibility to be steadfast with house rules. She needs to know that the boundaries are firm, not flexible. Too much flexibility in rules gives a young person an unstable feeling; a feeling of insecurity.

Oh dear. If I were you, I would let her do what she is doing. It worked for me! I mean you can break up sibling fights, but, if you just ignore her, she will usually stop and apologize.

I have just one small point because you already have lots of great advice from all the other moms. When she is in school, she is probably experiencing all of the same emotions she does at home. The difference is that she knows she cannot act out in school, so by the time she gets home, she has spent the day trying to control herself, her stress level has been building all day. She may misbehave more at home because she knows she is in a safe place and can let off all that steam. This being said, I think it is important for her to feel loved and understood while knowing ahead of time the ramifications of her behavior.

Good luck, you seem to have a lot on your plate right now.

L. I know how you feel I have a son he also is a good kid then one day you find your self asking who is this kid and were did my child go. I found a web sight that explained what there going to go threw and what to expeict, I sat my son down and went threw it I explained the hormone changes that there going threw and told him that when he felt frustrated to just go out and walk or punch the punching bag but most importaint is that you let her know that this is normal untill her body adjust and that it will get better when you see her in a mood just back off and give her space and in a few minutes it will pass belevie it or not, after giving my son the info it got better because he knew what to expect and that it was normal because at the same time they are saying with in them whats going on just give her a way to work it out by running some time type of outlet and pray. good luck.

What if you break down, sobbing to her that you just can't handle all this by yourself (become vulnerable... to the new drama queen)and ask for her help when she opens up to you. Timing is everything in drama. And she is running a new script, no reason why you shouldn't write a few lines of your own. She will get to participate in her grandmothers lives, you will see her step up to the occasion and forget herself preoccupation, and reach out to others that need help. This is an excellent opportunity for you all.
E. H

boy does she know how topush your buttons, I tried everything also with my son what I found out worked the best is slience is golden, if he was going to be snotty at me , I did not say a word back I ignored and walked away , either going into my room shutting my door, or talking to my other child but not them, if it continued, I did not again say a word I waited until they left for school the next day went into his room removed something I felt was a privledge this way I had no drama over it, when he came home and asked about it, I again ignored him he had to sweeten up real fast to get any answers about what happen to it, I simple said the disrepectful fairy took it, I assume when you are respectful to me like I am to you , it might return, I dont know. If it continues I might give the fairy permission to donate it.

Your choice
The end and walked away.

Took him twice never again did I hear a snotty mouth.

T Miles

well... ANGER... it seems every kid at that age has anger. why? most of the time they don't even know why. but we all need to be able to express our moods, but how we do it is another thing. i have raised 2 boys, they are now 27 and 24, i am 50 yrs old and am still married to my husband of 29 years. they are great men now and really have never given me any trouble(small stuff that we managed to get through) so , i think what i did worked! i would always sit them down and first of all ask them if their is anything thats been bothering them(with school, friends, enemies, why they were mad, sad, etc.) ask about none related issues to their behavior, if i didn't get any kind of info from that, then i would give them time alone in their room, not a punishment, just some time to be alone, to think about it, we all need alone time. when they know you are concerned about them and then give them space to think, they may realize you are stating to treat them like the adults they THINK they are. always treat them with respect and remind them of this fact, and ask them to treat you with the same. with this mutual agreement you may be able to find some common ground to let her grow, and you to learn. with each stage of our childrens growth, we are never an expert, so ask her what it is that SHE would like, then come to an amicable agreement. this will make her responsible for her own actions and in charge of what will happen if she pushes the boundrys. if all hell breaks loose and you can't deal with it... what i had to do was write a VERY long letter to my son expressing my sadness, anger, disappointment,etc. and left it on his bed to read, when he came home from school i ushered him in to his room, told him to read the letter, and when he was ready to talk, to come out and let me know. if i didn't write this letter i think i would have completely lost it: what he had done: he was a freshman in high school and his counsoler had called me to ask why i wasn't in her office for a scheduled meeting, i had no idea there was a meeting and so she explained to me what was going on... what i found out that morning was, my son was getting 4 F's on his report card, he decided to throw it away, thinking i wouldn't find out! well, i did, and i felt soooo violated, lied to, ashamed, embarrassed, etc. i was so furious, i knew if i hadn't written it i would have said things i would have regretted, the outcome was great, he shared with me things i couldn't believe, completely opened up, and i didn't judge anything he told me. with that we opened the doors to our communication and they have never closed. in the simplest advise... try to remember what is was that you wanted when you were that age. i know all i wanted was to be left alone in MY space. just to sit and read a magazine our just sit with my thoughts.
good luck!
S. meistrell
great post advice from Vicki A

L.,

Boy do I remember those days!! My daughter is now a wonderful 24 year old but I was about ready to give her back from about 13 to 16. I would find myself getting really angry at her but found that a sense of humor is much more helpful. When she does something that really upsets you, try to turn it into something humorous with her. Kind of highlight the absurdity, for instance. Remember that she is at her worst with her mother. That's because it's safe to do those behaviors with one you know will always love you no matter how awful you are. If she was nice to you and awful to others it would be a serious situation. As it is, it is so normal you'll laugh about it in about 10 years. For now, learn to negotiate, give yourself time outs, and don't get into yelling fits with her. Also, don't be too punitive, especially don't restrict her harshly from social situations because that is her job right now, learning proper social skills. Girls this age have notoriously low self esteem so she needs to be accepted and liked by her peers. She's awful to you right now because part of her age-appropriate behavior is separation. It's a scary thing to separate from Mom, thus the acting out. Also, she's at the age where she wants more independence but is too young to handle it so she's lashing out. Just grit your teeth, laugh, and weather the situation. She should get better when she's about 15 1/2 and learning to drive. It'll give her more of that independent feeling she craves and the car keys are a wonderful tool parents get at that time to modify behavior..."if you don't behave, you won't get to use the car".

V.