Seeking Advice Regarding Son's Preference for Girly Things

Hi,

I don't have any experience in this area whatsoever. But I have heard great things about a book called "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson. You might want to take a look at it to see if it has information in there that could help.

Your son is exhibiting totally normal behavior. Would your husband react as loudly and as violently if your son was a girl interested in trucks and football? Really, it's probably just a phase--I agree with nearly everything already said before me--especially that your husband really needs to sit back and relax--really think about the reaction he's demonstrating to your son. It's not cool, it's very hurtful and could be potentially damaging.

Remember, he's four.

Hi J. - My son will be 3 in December and we face the same thing. His favorite color is Pink which took us awhile to except but as we've heard from other parents that this is a common thing for little boys and they usually grow out of it. Now we just go with the flow and buy him all the pink things he desires. We are in no way homophobic but of course a parents first instict is to try to raise a child heterosexual. We are still fighting the whole left handed thing with him as well. No matter how hard we try to have him be a righty, he will eventually be what he will be. It is better to let our children experience life how they want to experience life and just make sure they are safe and know that we care about them no matter what their preferences. We can't change our childrens destiny no matter how hard we try to influence them otherwise. All we can do is show them we love them unconditionally and will be here for them no matter what they dress like and who they love. I know it is harder for your husband to except this from his son. Just explain to your son that their are things that are meant for girls only like dresses, makeup etc. Although, in the world we live in today, nothing is off limits to anyone anymore. Either way, this just may be a stage of curiosity and exploration. It doesn't mean your son will end up gay. Our son got a baby from his aunt for his birthday and we almost past out in shock, but she says it was meant to teach him compassion and how to act with babies and she was right. Although our son likes the same things that your son does he still shows many signs of liking girls. Just know your son is only 4 years old and has just started to experience life. And as they say, would you rather your son be playing with GI Joe dolls or Barbies? Trick question -- If he plays with boy dolls what are you teaching him vs. playing with pretty girl dolls. Good luck and love your son no matter what and try not to make him feel ashamed of himself or the choices he makes in life, because that could be more harmful than liking the color pink or dolls. --- Shay, Oct.30,2006

I've seen this a lot, actually. It must be pretty common. I have 2 nephews who love pink and sparkly beads and purses (about age 6 now, not sure if they're still into it but were last summer) and one of my good friend's sons went through this in his preschool years and has pretty much grown out of it (although he still is very particular about what he wears, he chooses boy fashions).

Personally, I think it's because boy's clothes and toys don't do much for the completely natural desire for bright colors and sparkly things. It's all khaki and navy, and our little boys are in business casual starting at 2T sizes, while little girls get a bigger, more colorful variety of prettier clothes. (I described Easter shopping for my first son when he was a toddler - "The boys are dressed for casual Friday and the girls are going to the prom.")

I think it's better not to make a big deal about it. Let him enjoy it while it lasts, and know that teachers and other parents must know other boys who are the same way. He may lose interest, or he may always enjoy soft fabrics and beautiful colors and sparkly toys but will learn to not do it around other kids.

I hope your husband didn't really tell your son that he was "sickened," but maybe if he knows it's not all that uncommon he will get himself under control. Does your husband know that the Victorians dressed boys in pink and girls in blue? Pink was considered too wild for the ladies!

My nephew went through this also, but he is now into all things superhero, trucks, etc and he is 7 now.
One thing that came to my mind was the lyrics to a song "When I was a boy" by Dar Williams: http://artists.letssingit.com/dar-williams-when-i-was-a-b...

And here is a poem too, that I thought was interesting. Not that any of this will change your or your husband's mind, but the fact that we have literature references about these actions just goes to show that it is very commonplace!

"Tell me it's wrong the scarlet nails my son sports or the toy store rings he clusters four jewels to each finger.

He's bedecked. I see the other mothers looking at the star choker, the rhinestone strand he fastens over a sock.
Sometimes I help him find sparkle clip-ons when he says
sticker earrings look too fake.

Tell me I should teach him it's wrong to love the glitter that a
boy's only a boy who'd love a truck with a remote that revs,
battery slamming into corners or Hot Wheels loop-de-looping
off tracks into the tub.

Then tell me it's fine-- really-- maybe even a good thing -- a boy
who's got some girl to him
and I'm right for the days he wears a pink shirt on the seesaw in
the park.

Tell me what you need to tell me but keep far away from my son
who still loves a beautiful thing not for what it means
this way or that -- but for the way facets set off prisms and
prisms spin up everywhere
and from his own jeweled body he's cast rainbows-- made every
shining true color.

Now try to tell me-- man or woman -- your heart was ever once
that brave." (Poem is "Bedecked" by Victoria Redel)

The only other thing I have to say is that when I was having behavioral probs with my daughter when she was that age, I was in college and approached my psychology professor about it, telling her I wasn't sure what constituted a "problem" that really need professinal help. She told me that anything that disrupted everyday life was considered problematic enough. If you really feel that your son's interests, or your or your hubby's reactions to it is disrupting your life, get help. You all deserve happiness. And a 4-yr-old certainly does not deserve to be told he makes his father sick.

Take care and let us know how things are going for you!
--Amanda

i wouldn't worry about it much...my son did some of the same type of stuff because he started out his daycare life being with only girls. he is 3 now and into boy stuff but still carries some of his stuffed animals around and calls them his babies.

Hi J.--
My son is only 6 months old so I have ZERO real-world advice for you--kudos to the other moms who posted about their experiences and how they dealt with them! But I jsut thought you might be itnerested in this little video--this is from Free to Be, You and Me, a kid's special from teh 70's (when I was a kid), called "William Wants a Doll." It's sung by Alan Alda, ha ha. But it's a cute little segment, thought you might want to watch it. :-) It has a nice message--maybe you shoudl show it to your husband.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LNwUjd0gLo&mode=relat...=

Honestly, J., I wouldn't worry. Just like the other moms who posted before me said, this is perfectly normal and something that you need not worry about. I have a nephew who went through the exact same phase, except he wanted to carry a doll with him wherever he went and even wanted to sleep with it. My nephew is now 5 and doesn't really want to play with the doll anymore, but will still carry it with him from time to time. Like your husband, it bothered my brother-in-law, but there is really nothing you can do but accept that it is a phase they are going through.

My brother used to love all things girly--he would want his nails painted, called his underwear panties, had dolls, etc. He is now married and has a child of his own. I alos have a niece who loves Thomas the Tank Engine and toy cars. It is completely normal for boys to like things pink--just as it is for girls to like more "masculine" things like trains, trucks, and tools. Would your husband object if you had a girl who exhibited a preferend for only "boy" toys or colors? I agree with all the other posters that your husband needs to relax.

Hi! I completely understand your concerns. My girlfriend's first born was the same way. He loved princesses and even had a princess bithday party at the age of 3. He dressed in princess clothes, played with dolls, the works! He was very creative, had an unbelievable imagination and loved fairy tales. They were very concerned at first, but decided to roll with it. By the time he started kindergarten he wanted to wear his princess dresses to school. They didn't allow this and explained no kids (boys or girls)dressed up for school. However, by first grade he had established friends and has become very involved with boy toys. He is completely a rough tough boy these days. He wont understand if you try to control his interests. Tell your hubby to turn princess time into fighting off dragons with swords for the fairy princess. It is a phase and will work out in time!

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I had a Younger cousin who had the same obsession with girlie things. It was a few years ago, but he wouldn't play with anything but Polly Pockets!! As he got older, it turned out that he liked the feminine stuff because he was obsessed with girls!!! He is 15 now and quite a ladies man. Tell your husband that your son's preferences aren't anything to worry about and actually might mean the exact opposite of what he is afraid of.

from my background in early childhood and my many years teaching early childhood I can only tell you that your husband needs to stop being mean about your son's behavior ASAP - and I mean NOW. His reaction to him negatively will damage him in this area (psychologically and emotionally) if he doesn't stop immediately. I can gaurantee it. You need to support him and whether he grows out of it or not you need to accept him how he is because he will be happy that way. Kids who grow up with parental dissaproval end up resentful, mean, angry, and disappointed in themselves and the ppl. around them and they cannpt form healthy relationships. I know I'm coming across harsh and pretty abrupt but I cannot stand for adults pressing their opinions and preconceived notions upon kids who may niavely just be enjoying new discoveries and differences between the sexes. Besides, he may just not be the most masculine guy when he grows up and that will NOT be the end of the world. Afterall, many men who are more gentle and less "manly" end up being the best fathers, husbands, and friends. I should know, I married one and all the men I have been close with have been this way and they are so nice to have in our lives. Good luck. Your son is going to be ok. And this is totally normal for a lot of boys this age. Do NOT think he;s a freak, gay, or anything else. He is most probably TOTALLY NORMAL.

J.,
I must say that I am much more concerned about your husband's hostility toward your son than ds's preference for feminine things. My heart goes out to you and your son. Please support him and seek counseling for this very important, tender issue. ( I know I would.) Your husband is being abusive to a defenseless child who deserves to be free and explore. Keep your husband in check or let him know that he must change his very damaging, homophobic attitude. Nothing is sadder than a child whose spirit has been broken, and this most certainly will happen if your husband continues this behavior. Please don't let this happen. You and your son deserve better.

Amy

J.,
I wouldn't worry so much about this phase. My son just turned 3 and has every now and then told me he wants to be a princess. I don't think too much of it considering that while he is with his babysitter, he is around mostly girls, who ALL want to be princesses. SO, if your son does hang out with more girls then boys, then he just may want what they want. It's nothing to worry about. My son still loves his cars and trains, as well as using my make up when i put it on! As for your husband, he should never be sickened by anything his son does. He needs to get over those feelings and realize that he son may not be gay, but just wanting to play with different toys. IT'S OK. Good luck!
-L.

I just want to say that I went through the same thing. My son is now 5 1/2. My very best friend has a little girl 1 year older than my son, needless to say my son and her daughter are very best friends. My son plays dolls with her and barbies, dresses up and plays house (he has always been the daddy), etc. His favorite show is Dora. I think it is very normal, I used to worry too because he would fight to wear her dress up high heals. He has since grown out of it somewhat. He is now doing more "boy things". I think it may be more of the surroundings ( I have 3 sisters, no brothers. My best friend had at the time 2 girls (she has since added a little boy!). My son is a little peachy sometimes, but I would never put him down for it. He is and always will be my son. They can't help how they feel, you don't want him to be ashamed of who he is. I think he will grow out of it, but if he doesn't, he will still be your son. If he feels you will not approve, he will stop telling you things (as he gets older) and you don't want that. Always love him and show him you "approve" of the things he likes. Good luck to you and your son.

This is so normal at this age. It is normal for your son to like girly things and for you husband to be upset about it! What is ironic is, if a daughter liked boys show, no one would worry, when little girls want to play football or other things no one worries about them. It is hard, I know. My nephew went through it, he wanted to play with dolls and wear his mom' shoes and carry a purse, he out grew it, they always introduced him to new toys, some unisex ideas like leggos, spongebob, things like that and he slowly evolved into liking more boy things like superheros. My sister was a stay at home mom too and when boys are around their moms all day, yeah some of the feminine stuff rubs off on them, it is only natural. I would not worry about anything but I would try to get your husband to relax, sometimes kids want things only b/c they are not supposed to have them, my 4 year old daughter would through a fit for a superhero if I told her she could not have it, it is a power thing with this age. I would make sure when you are at home with him, kind of slowly try to emerse him wiht boys things or unisex things, try new cartoons, new games, but do it without out right saying no to princesses and things, jsut dont make that an option. I hope this has helped in some way
M.

My son is 2 and really likes Dora, and yes, he has seen me put on makeup so many times he will sometimes play with it and also want to put it on. Does he know that only girls do this? No. They are too young to really grasp the social rules of what men and women are suppose to do in our society--it is not until we have bombarded them with pink or blue colors, etc. that it becomes more apparent.

Hi J.-
I'm a mom of a 4-1/2 yr old boy who also went through this phase. When he was 3, he loved to wear princess dresses, watch Barbie movies, and spent a lot of time in pretend play as a princess or a queen or a fairy godmother, etc... We decided not to deter him from this behavior since it seemed harmless, though the comments from other people poured in. He's now 4-1/2 and is pretty much out of liking girlie things. It started to evolve out of it when he was the princess but wanted to destroy everything -- now, when he pretend-plays, he wants to be the prince, the king or the dragon. As you've read from the other posts, this is a normal cycle of development. Hang in there -- and let your husband read these replies too!
Good luck to you,
C.

HI. I am a mom of THREE boys! My youngest is now 4 years of age. Then 6 then 13. All three of them went through that phase. The sparkly the better. My 4 year old thought that PINK was his favorite color too. Then mommy started her blue phase. Now his favorite color is blue. I encourage them all to play sports. I play football with them in the yard and am quite a baseball player...guess what, so are they! My kids spend a lot of time with me. So basically, what they see ME doing, they do and enjoy. I remember when my 6 year old was 3, he saw me putting on makeup and thought that is what he was supposed to do. NOT! So, I didn't put it on any more. No biggy. I wouldn't discourage but sway in an ever so crafty manner the other colors and other sparkles. My kids still LOVE DORA but that is because of the SPANISH involved and tell me spanish words all the time. So, I am really not worried. Kids will be kids.