Seeking Advice on Universal Problem

I was really lost at that age and did not enjoy school. What turned me around and might be interesting for him is archaeology. I fell into it as a volunteer on several expeditions when I was still a teenager and it shaped my career path for the future. There are a lot of historical and archaeological societies that use volunteers on digs. It is a very cool thing to do for people that age and it does get you outside in the open air and uses both muscle and brain power. And this is something you can do with him. Most digs will require a parent to accompany if the person is under 18. There are also week, two-week or month-long expeditions you can go on as a volunteer. You just pay your own way and work for free but the experience is invaluable and archaeologists are usually very neat and interesting people (if I do say so myself) and provide great role models. Try your local city or county-run archaeological program first (most municipalities will at least have one archaeologist on staff--sometimes in the urban planning office) and they can point you in the right direction. This is especially timely with the new Indiana Jones movie coming out in the summer. He can also learn about a profession that is pretty neat and has many different angles--math, science, art history, anthropology, geology, chemistry--all of these factor into archaeological research. And he may just find a career track that would interest him.

Is he just not into volunteering at this stage in his life? If that is really important to you, and you really want him to get more involved in his community, maybe search out things that may interest him - teaching guitar lessons on an old guitar for Big Brothers Big Sisters, playing a children's hospital, etc. Perhaps asking him for "help" at something where only "his guitar abilities would help" would work. On the flip side, if there is ANY way that you can take him with you on any of your trips - do it! Even if it means missing a week of school. There is no better bonding than traveling together - and sometimes it is the companionable silences, or the laughing at riding on the top of a train with the chickens in a third world country.

THis is a tough age, where kids are training to create their own identity, not what their parents want. Traveling can give him a better sense of who he is. Let him make decisions on the trip - control which trains to take, bus or taxi, camel or donkey. . . shows you value his ability to make adult decisions and shows him that you guys can still connect, even if he is no longer a kid - just on a new level!

Good luck!

J.,
I would be patient. In the meantime I would, if you can, let him know that whatever he decides to do you will be there for him. I would defintely not pressure him. I am not in a similar situation. I have, however been a single parent to my one child (daughter) who is now 23 and I remember those years. He is 16 and no matter how confident or whatever he is still going to need time and space to make mistakes as he grows and learns who he is and what he will do. You are there and he knows that; he also knows what you are into and what you would like him to do; so now allow him some space. Just be there for him to help him get through this "season" of his life. Also .. it is hard...especially if you and him have probably been close all these years? It is hard to "let him go" a little and allow him to grow. I KNOW the feeling of loneliness that is! Almost scary.? But dont worry he wont "go away" and if and when he does..he'll be back........no one can replace what you have been to him. No one else could ever be mom. Relationship changes as they get older. Changes ..gets different..not gets worse or goes away. Even if he NEVER gets into what you want him to. I remember as I "allowed" my daughter to do as she "must" I felt like "I've lost her (all it really was; was I was no longer having CONTROL anymore.) So.........I prayed and watched and SAW how things she went through were all a part of what she has now become and is still becoming. SHe went through things she NEEDED to; to be able to come to where she is now successfully. She has her own place...a good job..does many things for many people. Well balanced. The thing is this .....we may have plans or ideas for our children that just may not be at all what God has planned for them. So if you want the BEST for Sean..I would pray for the will of GOd to be accomplished in his life. That somehow he would know and find that direction because anything else, for any of us, for that matter will basically amount to nothing. My sister also has a son 16yr. old named Sean (same spelling too) :) Who she also raised alone and they are very close. Funny
Prayers,
K.

I just sent my 19 year old daughter and best friend to Guatemala for 6 months with a missions organization called YWAM - Youth With A Missions. (they have locations all over the world including the U.S.) Google it. It is an amazing organization and a life changing one and it is geared for young people transitioning from high school to young adulthood. Allot of them are not quite sure what they want to do yet.
Anyway, that is not the reason I responded. As your son grows older your relationship with him changes. I know that you know that. Teens respond to people who are REAL with them. They have a sixth sense about that. If you want to hang out with him and get to really know him and what his thoughts and dreams are then let him make the suggestions on what to do or where to go and go with him into his world once in a while. Join him in his interests. Try to just have fun and not to make it look like a "life lesson". (but we know all the time you will be taking notes and learning from your young MAN. It can be allot of pressure; allot to live up to; on a young person if adults keep telling them, you are a leader, you are going to do great things. In some cases it can be too much to live up to so they don't even try because they do not yet see what you and others see. Let it develop naturally. God gives each of us amazing and unique gifts. He has given you son his very own. Sometimes we need to step back and let them find it.
Have fun with your son in these last years he is with you. Gently guide him. Pray for him, daily. He sounds like a wonderful young man. Help him find, HIS way.
I not only raised a son (29,now) and my daughter. My husband and I do foster care for teenagers. We have been through allot of training but we learn more just from living with these kids and handling the challenges as they come along than we have in the classroom. (although some of the "tricks" learned in class have really come in handy with the kids) I also worked with the youth at church.
I hope this helps.
Mom to Mom,
J.

J., I may not be much help as I do not have a 16 year old, but I heard someone tell me once that children have their own desires and by encouraging them to do the things they love, they grow. You said your son loves playing guitar. Has he had lessons or does he play for anyone? Ask him if he would like to play his guitar for the children. If he doesn't want to do that, ask him what he does want. If talking doesn't help, you can always right a letter or e-mail to him expressing your concerns and encouraging him to respond. Patience is definitely a plus in this. Just remember to encourage his talents so that he feels he is being respected and loved. Good Luck.

J., it seems to me that rather than trying to involve your son in what interests you, you might try getting involved in what interests him...

Since he enjoys playing the guitar so much, maybe you could take him to some concerts? Not that teenage boys want to go to rock concerts with mom in tow, but there are cool jazz and blues venues that he would not be otherwise permitted to attend (unless he was with an adult).

Ask if you can sit and listen to music with him now and then. Ask him what he likes, and why he likes it, and what his musical influences are. Maybe he'd like to take a trip the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or Graceland or Sun Studios, or something similar.

Maybe take him to a big guitar / music store and let him walk around and explore it. Ask him to explain the differences between different guitars etc. He might be taciturn at first, but if you show geniune interest he may open up after a while.

I think you're right about being patient. Your son's behavior and interests are absolutely normal. In fact, if you told me that a 16-year-old boy actually wanted to go for walks in the woods with his mom, or cared about gardening, small children or his mother's job -- I would find that VERY weird indeed!

The good news for both of you is that the teen years are finite. best luck!

Hi J.
It may sound really simplistict, but this is what we did with our three teens. We took each one out on a "date" once a week, and we talked about whatever they chose. The date can be something as simple as going for a soda, coffee, or a bit to eat.
What this does it takes both of you out of your comfort zones and into a neutral area where conversations may be easier to have. Our children are now yound adults and tell us that that was one of the things they appreciated the most.
Good luck
C. C.
Life Coach
www.coachingsteps.com

Speaking as a high school teacher, kids are really in tune with the needs in the world, but they have their own ideas about what constitutes the big problems. Let him choose his own service project. Tell him to do some research on the internet and then let you know when he's decided something he'd like to do to help the world. I'd also ask him to choose a weekend activity for the two of you to do together. Let him have full jurisdiction of what he chooses.

I really applaud your efforts to get your son involved in service activities. I believe if young people experience the joy and satisfaction of helping others it will become part of who they are and help them lead happy and productive adult lives. Perhaps you should look more toward your son's interests than toward yours for his community work. He might like to go help with the stage and sound for the concerts at RifRaf the Arts Collective in downtown Princeton or something along those lines. good luck