Seeking Advice on My 16 Year Old.

You have not given enough information about the situation for people to even comment about it. It is obviously something serious enough for the school to be concerned and for you to be too embarrassed to put into your post. But I have serious concerns that you would consider to model behaviors that are inappropriate like lying. That shocks me, when it appears that the problem with the school stems from LYING. One of the hardest lessons in life is know that there is a consequence for your actions. You teach her now that there is a way around, you will start a chain reaction that will last her lifetime. Think hard about this. Your decision to lie for her is NOT good.

Your next step after she "suffers the aftermath" is for you to look at your daughter and decide WHY she made such poor choices. Was it your parenting OR is there something she needs help with? Often bad behavior is a way of looking for attention. She may need extra TLC right now and you need to figure out what she needs.

Okay first of all you need to hear from the school exactly what she is lying about or being accused of doing. Lying is a bit much for suspension or expulsion. If this is a strict school then they need to be forth coming with all the information. You daughter may not be the one to go to about why she may be being suspended. You need to work out the problem with the school after you know all of the facts. Also, you need to figure out with her what they lying is all about. It's never good for a parent to go ahead a lie to let the child get out of his or her punishment. You just need to get to the bottom of the "real" issue and try to avoid the suspension. Lying is never the conclusion whether for her or you.

I've worked at both private and public high schools and I can tell you that suspension and expulsion are not taken lightly. Rarely are they given for first offenses, unless the infraction was serious (e.g. drugs, alcohol or weapons). You declined to state what your daughter had lied about, but since you mention the authorities, I suspect drugs or alcohol.

Is this the first time you heard from the school? It shouldn't be. If your daughter is a chronic liar and has moved through progressive discipline to suspension, you should have been notified all along the way. I would advise a serious "chat" with the school to find out what's going on, at least from their side. If your daughter is accused of lying (and proof given), what makes you think she isn't lying to you?

Once you've heard the school's story and your daughter's, you can decide the correct course of action. My personal belief is that if you lie for your daughter to "protect" her, what you teach her is that mommy will always bail her out, consequences are irrelevant and that it's ok to lie. None of these are good lessons for any child. But, only you can decide.

Private schools are always reluctant to let students go. It's a serious loss of income for them. The cost of keeping your daughter in terms of maintaining discipline or to the school's reputation has got to be huge for them to be considering it.

Good luck. I think you're going to need it.

I'm very confused. What would you lie about? And what example would you be setting by lying for/about your daughter? Lie about lying? That the school want to expel her and you are baffled suggests a disconnect between two realities. I am wondering what her take on all of this is. I'm wondering how you can support her without enabling behavior that if continued can lead to unwanted consequences and I don't mean being suspended. What keeps going through my mind is your next course of action is an opportunity to teach, not save. If could add clarification to your post, that would be helpful.

Best,
Jen

It is not the consequences you have to worry about in this case, it is the message you will be sending to your daughter. Is it ok to lie to someone to get out of trouble or to get your way in something? Also, should she respect her authority at school, or should it be always questioned? What are the values you want her to be learning? Obviously, since you are asking the question, telling the truth is not a strong value in your home. (unless I misunderstood and you are shocked because she didn't really lie). Either way, the school's rules do not need to be the same as your own. If she is in trouble at school and suspended, you can let her know how you feel about it at home. If you feel she was unjustly punished, you could lighten her punishment at home or not punish her at all. You have her in this particular school, so you need to choose whether to keep her there or to move her elsewhere. If you keep her there, both of you should follow (and honor) the rules or suffer whatever consequences they give to her. If she really is expelled for lying, and you think that extreme, you could move her somewhere that has similar values/consequences to your family.

I would lie for my daughter..my mom did it for me..i turned out fine..better than fine..have had 2 record deals ...and music in film and television..teenagers screw up...just deal with her at home..give her a punishment but don't let her get expelled from school.

No it is not worth it, lying. Your daughter has made choices that are less than ideal and there are consequences for them. Let her learn from her mistakes, failure and poor choices are just as important lessons in life than success. Dont do her a disservice and cover for her, you are only hurting her in the end. Parenting is heart wrenching at times. I wish you peace with this.

Hi E. --
I haven't yet read the other responses.
I'm confused by your situation.
Before we even get to the current situation . . .
is the school too strict for your daughter?
Is it hard for her to conform to their requirements?
If she did lie, was the lie about conforming
to the school's rules? or something else.
And why do you think you need to lie?
If you and your daughter are communicating with one another,
can she tell you what they say she did?
Did they tell you what they think she did?
Does "safe" mean not being suspended?
Is there a plan in place to help her change her behavior?
I have more questions but think I'll just read the other answers now.
I just wonder whether you and your daughter
are each operating with different sets of expectations and beliefs.
S.

Hi E.,

I am not really clear as to why you would need to lie, so I will just point out that our kids learn more from our actions than from our words. By modeling behavior, we teach them, whether we intend to or not.

Also, here is an article I wrote about why kids lie. You might find it helpful. http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/4/6_Pants_O...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

I would find out all details of the situation from both sides. If your daughter did do something she shouldn't have the she should have to deal with the consequences. She's old enough to understand and know what she is doing. And if you lie for her then she learns that it's ok to lie. If you make her deal with the consequences of her choices, hopefully she'll make better choices next time. After all you can't fight all her battles for her and it will just get harder as she gets older.

You are not showing love if you cover for your daughter. You are showing shame. She should repent and deal with consequences. Everyone knows the truth anyway, and no one will buy your lies as they didn't buy your daughter's. However, at the end she (and you) will get much respect for owning up. I have gotten more out of confronting my children and letting them deal with things than from any other options. You can do this the right way, and you will never have to do it again... good luck!

Frankly, you don't go into enough detail but if you lie to get your daughter out of trouble ... seriously. What kind of values are you teaching your daughter?? If she lied, and the lie is cause for punishment at her school, she needs to pay the consequences. Too often parents these days don't see the value in allowing our children to make choices, and face the results of those choices. I could go on and on, but an excellent book I'm reading is "The Self-Esteem Trap" and it talks about this very subject. I highly recommend it.

That is a question that many mom face I bet...I asked my mom about it and she said what I also agree with...I would lie but have a talk with her and let her know that it will be the only time it will ever happen and make sure her punishment is just as severe as what they would do...also as a kid getting suspended was a good thing...being we got to stay home and not attend school so going is like punishment all in itself...I would lie but really come down hard on her the way you punish and let it be known that what she did you will not tolerate!

You need to be the example and tell the truth to the school. She needs to learn now that lying isn't OK and she needs to pay the consequences for her actions. If you don't deal with this now it will only get worse. Children learn from our example, so be an example to her.

OK there's a couple of parts to this question. First of all, no don't lie. it sends her the message that there are times that it is ok to lie... More importantly, what is she lying about? Is it something trivial like I put my assignment in the in box when in fact she didn't? Something like that does not warrant an expulsion. I get that they are a strict school.. how about an in house suspension? The private schools that I attended and worked at did this instead... that way the child wasn't at home playing video games or watching movies or sleeping... it became a real punishment.
Is she lying about something serious?? Is she trying to protect someone? Is she scared of her teachers because of something that has happened?
You might already know that answer to this one, but it bears scheduling a meeting with the authorities at the school with your daughter present to get to the bottom of everything.