Seeking Advice on D&c's and Moving On

I know how you feel. I lost a baby at 9wks. I had a 9month old daughter, her first christmas, and I started spotting. Then spent the entire night in the emergency room. What a way to spend christmas. It never really gets forgotten, but you do feel better. The D&C isn't horrible. Request to be asleep. My husband fought for that. The recovery is basically rest. I don't remember any tangible pain. Just the emotional. My next pregnancy was smoother. But emotionally hard. Now I have 4 beautiful kids. Unfortunately, I can't tell you anything to make you feel better. The only thing is that you did NOTHING wrong. And you have to just let the feelings flow. It DOES get easier. And this is most likely a one time event. I am glad that you reached out. It helps everyone to know they are not alone and the feelings are ok to feel.

If you feel uncomfortable with your doctor, then change. My doctor was really great when I had mine. But later, I had a complication with my 3rd baby and he made me feel uneasy. So when I had my 4th, I changed doctors. So you have to feel comfortable with your health care provider through the most important part of your life.

I hope you feel better. Keep updates on your health. I will pray for you.

Hi L.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't give you any advice on the D&C however, I have been a part of a wonderful forum at www.americanpregnancy.org that I know you can find lots of answers too and talk with a lot of girls who have been through the same thing as you. It is a great group of girls that are really supportive and care about eachother. Check it out if you get the chance.

As far as the doctor is concerned, I have an excellent doctor that I would be more than happy to pass on the info to you. I'm not sure where you are located but I am in Bealeton and I go to Fairfax for my Ob/Gyn. I just delivered twins two weeks ago and have had all four of my children/pregnancies cared for by this group. They are excellent!!! Even when we moved outto Fauquier Co. I stayed with them! Message me if you would like their info.

A.

I'm so sorry for your loss. As painful as this is, it happens more frequently than people realize. It was not your fault.

My loss was very different from yours, so I don't have any advice on D&C's, except this: don't be afraid to take the pain medication. You don't need to be a hero.

As for emotional recovery, I went to a support group a couple of times, and found that it wasn't quite what I needed, but it did make a huge difference for many of the women there. Give it a try. I needed to talk a lot more than my husband did, and the group was a good outlet for that.

I also had good support from friends. People aren't going to know what to say, so don't be afraid to tell them what you need, from getting some laundry done while you recover, to going out for a coffee and a chat.

Sometimes you will need to talk about the baby, and sometimes you will need to do something fun and frivolous. Don't ever feel guilty for having fun when you can.

Please contact me if you'd like.

Dear L. M,

I understand the feeling of a miscarriage I had 2 pregnancies prior to my oldest child. The first one. The baby stopped developing about 6 weeks and I needed a D&C. I had a hard time with it too emotionaly. The D&C went fine. I was out for the whole thing. After I woke up I drank a full glass of juice which made me throw up because of the medicine in my body still so take it slow. The next day you need to take it slow. Maybe your husband can take some time off to help you. The hospital should explain everything to you. It was 9 years ago that I had a D&C so I don't remember everything. I do know that a friend from church gave me a book called Empty Arms that help me deal with the loss alot. Well, I wish I could help you more on the D&C itself ,but like I said It was a while ago. I mostly remember the emotional part of it. As I write this my almost two year old is throwing the balls over the railing and running his truck into the walls. Oh, the hosipal I went to offered a support group to women who have lost a child. Maybe the one your going to offers that or there might be one in the area. Well, I hope this helps you some. If you need someone to talk to you can write back. You'll be fine and you have you family there for you.

D. M

L., first off I want to tell you how sad I feel for your loss, and that my thoughts reach out to you. Losing someone close is never easy, and this has a lot of guilt that could be associated with it. My advice is to seek out the assistance of a good therapist to help you through this. It's called adjustment therapy, just something to get you by and on with your life. I found it very useful as I was healing from an abusive marriage, and it got me through the divorce process and helped me restart my life. A good therapist, and for this maybe a phychologist rather than a psychiatrist is the best, can be a great benefit. Sometimes it is the healthiest thing you can do to seek out a professional. Doctors know how to treat sickness and help your body be well, but many times they are not good at helping your mind heal. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hey L.! First, let me extend my condolences on your loss. Second I can sympathize with you. I had two children and there were quite a few years between my daughter and my 3rd pregnancy. We were really excited when we found out we were pregnant. I made it to the 20th week and started bleeding lightly so I went to the ER. That's when i found out that there was nothing else going on....they did multiple sonograms, blood tests, etc. I had to have a D&C the next morning.

My kids were soo excited, but I just explained to them that God wanted one of his angels back so they were good with that. It was rough and even now when I think about it, I still get a little emotional and its been almost 2 years. I thought I had done something wrong, but everyone assured me that I did everything I could do and it wasn't my fault. I was really sore after the procedure (they put you to sleep) and the doctor told me to take at least a week off from work. Physically, you'll get over it quickly. Emotionally, it will take a little while but allow yourself to grieve and cry, because there is nothing wrong with that. And don't blame yourself, sweetie. I always believe everything happens for a reason. Good luck and your family will be in my prayers.

Also, if your doctor hasn't been forthcoming with information, then it may definitely be a good idea to make a change.

I have had two miscarriages. The first one I had a DNC the second I miscarried with out one. Both were very hard. Losing a baby is a very awful thing. I felt so empty. I went in for the procedure with my first loss and they put me to sleep. When I woke up, I woke up crying. No one could help me I just cried and cried. The nurses tried putting cool cloths on my head but I had lost my baby and I just cried. It was so hard. There were really no problems with it other than the fact I was very emotional. I went to a pregnancy center with this pregnancy and I told them that I lost my baby and they sent me a grieving after a miscarriage book. In the book it gave a suggestion of naming my baby even if you don’t know the sex of your baby. I did that and I felt like my feelings over the loss were validated. I don’t know if this will help you, but it helped me so I wanted to share. With the DNC my hormones went back to normal or whatever normal is after a couple of weeks. My last miscarriage I did not have a DNC and my hormones were crazy for a lot longer and I became a lot more depressed. So, the main benefit of having a DNC is that it gets your body back to normal sooner and this procedure is necessary with some miscarriages. My heart is with you.

As far as how to recover you are just going to have to take it one day at a time. And for some one hour,min.,or even one second. But keep in mind that you can still try again and find joy out of looking at your six year old. You still have him and that is blessing enough

I am so sorry about your loss. Same thing happened to me at six weeks and even though I was just barely pregnant and at the time wasn't even really ready to get pregnant again, it was still tough.

If it's any comfort, and probably it's not right now, I was told that the usual reason for this kind of miscarriage is a chromosonal abnormality--something that, as doctors say, is "incompatible with life." It is nature's way of saying, "oops"--because sometimes things just don't go right. It has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. I went on to have a perfectly healthy second baby (at age 45, no less), so don't give up hope.

I had a D&C too. It was an outpatient procedure and even though they used general anesthesia it was really not a big deal--physically, that is. I went home and slept for a day and a half and then I was fine. The emotional part is the hardest. And yes, it does sound like you need another doctor. If you are anywhere near Annapolis, Women's OB-GYN, with Melissa Moen as head doctor, is very, very good. It's an all-woman practice and I highly recommend them.--T. content

L., I had a miscarriage and an eptopic between by two boys. I cannot offer much help with the d&c. My doc had me go home and pass the baby naturally (that was hell). If I didn't pass it by the end of the weekend, I was scheduled for the d&c. I can tell you that it was a very shitty time in my life. My friend gave me a book that didn't help to much. All it talked about was other people that had the same problem. What did help, was talking about it. I would talk to any one that would listen. There was a website that helped with information... americanpregnancy.org(I just looked and it talks about d&c). Just know that you didn't do anything wrong to cause this. Usually, it is genetic disorder that is to severe for the baby to live (not that it makes you feel any better). Make sure you give yourself time to grieve. It is a loss of a life that you wrapped your thoughts and heart around. Maybe you could plant a tree in the baby's honor. Also, let your body heal and don't be afraid to try again. We were going to wait one more month after we had the ok from the doc....low and behold we got pregnant before that one month. I now have a beautiful 7 month old. If these things didn't happen, I would not have THIS sweet boy. Please, try and hang in there...this sucks. If you need to talk, I will listen. T.

L., I'm so sorry to hear about your baby! Sadly, I can empathize with you completely. I was pregnant with our first child, a child I wanted more than anything, when after about 8 weeks the baby wasn't growing properly and in the end, after 4 more weeks, I started spotting and that was it; my baby was gone. I had to have a D&C to remove the extra tissue and was EXTREMELY distraught by the entire experience. I can tell you that if you are offered the option of doing it in the office or doing it in the hospital where they knock you out, please take the hospital option. Trust me, for your emotional well being, you DO NOT want to be awake. I'm so glad I wasn't. Otherwise, the D&C was relatively quick and painless, but the emotional trauma I experienced losing my baby was practically unbearable. I blamed myself although there was nothing I could have done to save him (genetic testing completed on the tissue they removed from the D&C showed the baby was male) and actually, although I couldn't or wouldn't describe it while I was pregnant, I KNEW something was wrong with my baby. I have a history of endometriosis and was told that conception could be very difficult for me so losing this baby after finally conceiving was a crushing blow. There are no words that I think I could tell you right now to make you feel better. I know there weren't for me. All I can tell you is that while you will never forget, you will heal, both emotionally and physically (although physical healing happens A LOT faster). I know it may sound hollow, by please, try not to blame yourself. For whatever reason, this child was not meant to be, but I believe that if you weather this storm with your husband and family in tact in the end, you'll be stronger in the end. 4 months after the D&C I ended up "accidentally" getting pregnant with my now 22 month old daughter. If it makes you feel any better, sometimes have a D&C can help clear the path for easy fertilization later. Please let me know if there's anything I can say or do to help.

Hi L.,

Although I can't say I know exactly how you feel because everyone's circumstances are different, I too had a miscarriage and a D&C.

I had my first appointment at 8 weeks and the doctor told me everything looked fine. But I started spotting at 10 weeks also and found there was no heartbeat.

As for the D&C, I had mine scheduled for the next day and was told not to come to the hospital beforehand unless I was bleeding VERY heavily or in too much pain. I had contractions all day and I think I eventually miscarried on my own, but I still went through with the D&C to make sure there were no complications. I was put under general anesthesia and the procedure lasted about 45 minutes to one hour (from the time I was put under to the time I woke up). I didn't really have a lot of pain afterward as far as I can remember, except cramping. Recovery wasn't too bad. In fact, I was back at work and college (not really by choice) in two days.

The emotional recovery is by far much more difficult than the physical one. However, like previous posts, make sure to get the support of someone, whether that is your family, friends, or a group. For me, it helped to just tell a few people what happened and to have a shoulder to cry on. And like others have said, please do not be afraid to try again. Just be sure you are emotionally ready to be pregnant again (I was warned that if I got pregnant before I was ready, the worrying I would do throughout the pregnancy, wondering if everything was okay, would not be good for the baby).

Just have faith and keep trying. It is definitely possible to have a wonderfully healthy baby after a miscarriage (my son is proof).

God bless you and your family through this time. I wish you the best.

K.

L. I am so VERY sorry for your loss. I can't help but crying for you - I have been in the same position as you (except it was my first). Last summer I moved to Baltimore and had my very first doctor's appointment at week 9. I was so excited because it was my first baby and I had NEVER wanted a baby before (obviously I met the right man!). At this appointment they told me there was no heartbeat and that I lost my baby the week before. I was, and still am, devastated by it. I am pregnant again (now at 33 weeks) and even still I cry when I think about the loss of my first child. We can talk about all those kinds of feelings later if you'd like. You asked about healing. I'm not sure if one ever officially heals from the loss of a loved one you created and were so excited to hold and love. It hasn't been until recently that I've been able to tell anyone (besides family) what happened. It is so hard to talk about. I love that little guy (we "say" he was a boy). I think the best type of healing will be through what you already have - your support man. Other than that I think letting time take it's time. When you need to cry, cry. When you need to scream, scream. When you need to talk, talk etc. And whatever you do don't feel guilty. At the same time be there as much as you can for your man and your 6 year old - they still love and need you. There's not much room for all I could say but if you're interested I would be willing to talk with you more about it. I am very sorry I didn't see this message earlier and get to reply before the procedure. I will be thinking of you (and praying for you, if you don't mind).
~B.

Hi L.,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. As common as this is, it doesn't make it any easier for the individual when it happens. I have had two miscarriages; the first was 9 years ago. I was about 9 weeks along and started spotting; as it got worse I went to the hospital and they did a D&C.
They didn't put me to sleep, and it wasn't any more uncomfortable to me than my yearly gynecological exam.
Obviously everyone is different in terms of grieving and accepting a loss; I will say that 9 years later I still wonder what that child would be like now had he or she been born. I had another miscarriage late last year and although I knew what to expect it didn't make it any easier; if anything it was more difficult for me emotionally.
My thoughts and prayers are with you; please know that you didn't do anything wrong to have caused this!

I know this isn't much help. I have never experienced losing a child. I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and that I will be praying for you. I cant even imagine the pain that you must feel. I am very sorry.