I've been married 8 years to a non-US citizen. He has his green card. He lived in the US for 6 years prior to meeting me. His family did not want him to get engaged / married to me but he did anyway. (No idea why at this point.) I got pregnant while we were engaged. We got married 4 months before our daughter was born. Since we were married, he has not really "participated" in family life though he does love our daughter very much. We have never had a real family vacation. His vacation time is donated to going back home to see his family (what I call his "real" family). I've gone there with him a couple times in the past but he refuses to translate for me. I am left to read dozens of books and magazines that I bring with me on the trip - and I do mean dozens. He says it is his vacation and he will not translate for me as it is too much bother.
His father is a diplomat in this country and it is a country that regularly allows its citizens to parentally kidnap their children and take them there and not bring them back to the US. Many US parents have lost their children to this country forever. Therefore, I have refused and will continue refusing to allow our daughter to accompany him. (He recently wanted her to go with him but not me.) With his family's position there, if he would decide to stay I would never see my daughter again.
A few years ago, he took $5000 out of our checking account and bought jewelry from a company his sister was working with. He did it without discussing it with me - he said it was his money and he could do what he wanted with it which was to start a jewelry business. The jewelry still sits here to this day - his sister made a big fat commission check at our expense but that is it.
He's threatened to divorce me twice. Now, the reason I am writing today: He is gone on a trip and left his iPad here. He's encouraged me to use it but this was the first time I tried. Well, he forgot and left his email and facebook accounts open. This has never happened - ever - until now. I grabbed the iPad so I could use it to do some surfing and noticed his facebook account was open and had a facebook request by a female with a foreign name, one I did not recognize. Next I saw his email was open and did a search and her name was all over the place. He'd emailed her that he considers himself a bachelor and other stuff. The last entry I found was from last December - she'd sent him an email with a couple in different sexual positions - clothed. Who knows how many emails they shared but he'd saved a lot, the earliest starting in 2003 - the year out child was born - two weeks after her birth. I had never heard this name in my life until today and yet they'd been corresponding for 7 years. There are also emails written in April 2009 he traded with a divorce attorney in our old area.
We've lived in our current state for less than a year. I love it here but am thinking seriously about moving back to the state I am from. I don't know how that works with a divorce and moving to a different state with a child but I have no support here and frankly refuse to stay only so that it benefits him. What would you all do? I have remained married due to the fact that my daughter loves her father very much and I married late in life with the intention to stay married. This is just awful. Up to this point I've ignored and looked past a lot but I am thinking I need to just give it up and end my marriage. Any responses would be extremely helpful.
Thanks to all of you for the responses I've gotten so far. The woman in question is someone he used to work with. It was pretty obvious that they had some sort of relationship in the past and that they've continued this "flirtation" throughout our marriage. In one email, she mentions they should get together at her brother's house for a BBQ during a visit there. I have no clue if they did or not or if they've seen each other any of the times he was visiting his family. I did go ahead and forward all the pertinent emails to my email, then deleting them and emptying the deleted folder. BUT, each email I forwarded had a small green symbol next to it, showing I'd forwarded it. I noticed that his email password changed after that - he must have noticed what I did though I covered my tracks as well as I could. So he is onto me. I am sure he will be VERY angry at me, that he will feel I am the guilty culprit for invading his privacy, rather than his being embarassed, sorry or worried or embarassed. I would love to forward these emails to his family and friends once I do file for divorce as I will come out looking like the bad person here. They have no earthly idea what has been going on in our house. None.
I agree that this marriage (for me, at least) would be over.
HOWEVER, someone who can be that sneaky for 7 years doesn't "accidentally" leave his email and facebook accts open on a iPad he's leaving behind, and then invites his wife to use! I smell a fish.
Go to the Bank and take all the money and go HOME NOW!!!! He is using you. Take the Jewelry, pack the car and GO now!!!! Get a lawyer quick as you can. NOW GO!!!! Take the Ipad too!!!
Lock up your child's passport immediately!
You need to act NOW! Pack your stuff, and your daughter get your car and drive home, TODAY! You need to do this while he is gone. Print out all the documentation. Go home to where your friends and family are. Don't call him, don't leave him a note, don't tell him where you are. In his mind you are not his wife, you are the mother of his child which means relatively little to him. Take all the money you can out of your checking and savings accounts. Don't leave a dime in them. He probably has accounts that you don't have access to. Don't use your ATM card, go in the bank and take it all out in cash. That is your money!
Once you are back with your family and friends hire a lawyer right away. Make sure he knows about he flight risk, show him the emails and FB stuff. You need to take this very seriously or you will be alone with no money, no husband, and no daughter. You can do this! It will be hard, but you need to be strong for your daughter's sake. Just explain to her that you made a very big mistake and you are sorry, but now you are going to do everything you can to make it better.
Oh, one last thing. Take all that jewelry that he bought as a gift to you. Obviously it was for you, why else would a husband spend so much money on jewelry?
IMHO you have to find the absolute best attorney you can afford and get some professional advice (so you know what your options are).
For me goal #1 would be to prevent my child from ever leaving the US.
PLEASE seek professional advice - multiple opinions if possible. Get referrals on attorneys from people you respect and trust. Research board certified attorneys in your state.
Good luck.
If your daughter already has a passport, lock it up, hide it, pretend it's lost - something. If she doesn't have one, then DO not sign the passport forms allowing her to get one. (You must have both parents to get a minor child a passport.) If you have taken your daughter with you out of the country with your husband in the past, DO NOT do it again!!! Contact an attorney. Don't leave the state before contacting an attorney to find out your rights. I would be afraid if you left the state without his knowledge he could get you for kidnapping. Like the others said I would make copies of everything I could on the iPad. The more info and backup you have, the better.
Get a lawyer, now! Make sure any visits restrict any and all air travel on his part. Let the lawyer know you need to move for support so that can be worked out. Print out all emails.
Get a lawyer NOW. Print out incriminating emails, especially the ones where he considers himself a bachelor. Make sure your lawyer understands about his country of origin and that he has tried to get you to let him take your daughter out of the country previously so they can factor that into any custody arrangement.
This sounds just awful. For your health, I would get out of this marriage and go to a place where people will love, support, and fight for you. This man does none of these things for you. I know your daughter loves him, but is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your daughter? Parents' relationships are the first and probably most lasting models for what is considered normal for kids as they grow older.
Get a lawyer. It sounds like he already has one. He may come from a well connected family, but you have rights and protections, too.
Good luck.
Get a safe deposit box NOW and lock up your daughter passport and any other personal documents you need, including copies of the emails you found on his IPAD. No one can make this decision for you, but I think you already know what you need to do.
I think you need to immediately find a good lawyer who is well versed in circumstances such as yours. Hiding the passport is a good idea, but it may not prevent him from taking her out of the country. If he has diplomatic ties, they probably also have private planes, and they may not even check for passports, especially not one of a child. You have traveled there, so you probably have an idea of what the security is like. Some countries only have a problem letting you in, others with letting you out, and some with both. My husband travels internationally for work and has told me that some places don't even check his passport (which may be because he is a crew member, but still, it makes you wonder).
A few things to consider- since he has been trying to get you to use his Ipad, left it with you while he left on a trip, and left all of his stuff open, he may have actually wanted you to see it. I know it sounds crazy, but people who do what he has been doing would probably not be trying to get you to use their Ipad- he would want to keep all of that very secret and keep you from finding it. He may either be trying to get you to do something crazy (like leave the state with the kids) so he has an excuse to steal them, or maybe he just wants to give you a reason so he can get the divorce he wants. Sorry to shock you with this, but I thought it needed to be mentioned.
That being said, I don't think you should let him know that you used the Ipad or that you found all that stuff. Just try to act the same as usual while you talk to your lawyer. Don't do anything until you've gotten some good legal advice. After that, you may want to consider talking to your husband, telling him you'll grant him a divorce as long as you have custody of the kids (or maybe partial custody-only in the U.S., and only with supervision). If you think marriage counseling may work, then definitely try that, too.
You are in a tough situation, and I hope you have a good church to support you. If you don't, I hope you find one. The support and prayers of my church friends has helped me and my family through a lot of tough things.
I am so sorry that you are going through this with him. I hate to say it but you really don't have a "marriage" with this guy. Sure, you have the legal document that says that you are but he's too much in love with himself and what he wants to be a husband and make a marriage work. Now's the time for you to be proactive because your life is not going to change and may even get worse if you don't start taking care of you and your little daughter because, obviously your husband is not doing that.
Normally I'm a "let's work it out" type of person but I am not going to say that here because there's nothing to be worked out. He loves himself and his own desires too much to be in a marriage. I say, go ahead and let him run off to this other woman because, honestly, you will end up getting the better deal. You do need to file for divorce but, if you move back to your home state, I wonder if you have to establish residency again before you file papers. I think filing marital dissolution papers is something you must do right away because right now, the two of you share legal guardianship of your daughter which means that he can up and leave with her and it probably wouldn't be considered kidnapping. I would consult with an attorney right away -- most of them offer a free consultation so it would be good to check out a number of them and retain one that you feel is really on the ball, knowledgeable about these types of special circumstances and can be very aggressive if necessary. Hopefully, your husband will be happy to fully embrace the bachelorhood that he feels in his heart and will allow you to have full legal custody of your daughter without a fight.
Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Now is the time to put you and your daughter first. Your husband can take care of himself -- he's been doing that quite a while now. You'll be okay without him there dragging you down. In fact, once you get through the initial heartache, you may do absolutely great. It all depends on your attitude and savvy.
My prayers are going out to you and your daughter. Be strong and trust that all will be okay.
What a nightmare. I agree, print out those emails and all the documentation that supports the fact that he's more than likely cheating on his family. Then hire an attorney pronto. You are right on by never ever allowing him to take your daughter out of the country. He is a total flight risk. Personally, I think I would be scared to leave him alone w/ your daughter, too. Who knows what he is planning?? Very, very best of luck w/ this situation!
I am not sure how it works in your state. But in California you can file for temporary custody, and theres something that goes along with it that you can file for the child not to be removed from the state (I think it was in teh family law portion of our court house). That way if he did manage to get her to the airport they could technicially arrest him for attempted kidnapping of his own child. BUT if you want to go back to the state your originally from you need to speak with a lawyer right away. I would also print out the emails you found (just in case).
Lock up her passport (honestly I would probably burn it and get rid of it). Pack a bag for you and your child and hide it in your car. If he has access to your car, then hide it somewhere else that he wont find it but it would be easy to grab. Go to the bank and take some money out, then open your own account with your name only. That way in case you HAVE to go, or you NEED to go, your READY to go.
So sorry you're going through this. Good Luck!
OK. your marriage sounds like it's come to the end. The first thing you should do is get a safe deposit box and hide her passport in it. He can't take her anywhere without that, and he can't get a new one without you. Then you can be safe in knowing he can't leave the country with her.
Hire a lawyer and document everything. Print out those e-mails on his iPad for proof. Don't leave with the child until you are granted permission by the court. My aunt lost custody of her four children largely because she left the state without telling my uncle and took the kids with her. She had not told him she was leaving him, she just left one day while he was at work. It looked REALLY bad to the judge.
It sounds like he does not enjoy being married and that he is a good dad. Can't you try to work this out nicely and see if he'll agree to split custody or work out some other sort of custody agreement that works for everyone? You can put it in your court order that he is not allowed to travel with the child without your permission. It might mean that you stay in this state, but it would make it easier for your daughter to be near her dad. Her world is about to turn upside down. Frankly, leaving the state without his permission isn't morally different than him leaving the country with her and not having your permission. Remember to do unto him as you would have done unto you. I know he's already violated that with the "bachelor-ness" and money issues, but this is about your child and despite the feelings of anger, the more equitable and nice the break up is, the better her life will be.
I think there is a lot of hysteria in some of these answers, and I'm assuming people are thinking of those movies about the one in a million cases of girls being taken back to Iran or something (I happen to think Iranians are not, for the most part, evil people and that while this stuff can happen, lots of kids are hurt/ killed by their parents in this country, too.). Without the help of a human trafficker, it would be hard to take your daughter out of the country if you simply hide her passport. While your husband might be a jerk of a husband, you have not mentioned anything to make us think he is a monster.
I wish you all the best.
you need copies of any emails he has been sending this other woman because if he is cheating on you and than you get divorced this could look favorable for you. the toughest thing is going to get proper custody of your daughter, I am not trying to scare you but if you have shared custody what is to stop him from leaving with your daughter like you feared before?
get a lawyer while he's gone, and file for divorce. this isn't going to improve but things could get worse for you (taking your child etc), so for the sake of your child, don't stay together, but rather file for divorce. i don't know what country he's from, i can only use my knowledge to come up with a few but i can tell you, knowing different cultures and such, their family (meaning parents, siblings etc) WILL ALWAYS come first.
so the fact that he spent your money (joint) does not surprise me, but that does not mean you have to sit and wait for things to improve.
communication with another woman (foreign possibly) again total shock to you here, but not really if he's feeling lonely, if he misses his culture, his family etc.
but you're the one posting here, so as a foreign-born person, i am saying to you:
get out of marriage
It's hard for me to think this way or say this. But I do think you should leave him immediately. I think you need to print out every single one of these emails and take them to an attorney. See if there is some way you can get his green card revoked.
It scares me terribly to think about the man taking your daughter...I know she's his too. But how much can he really care about her when he refuses to give his marriage a real shot. If he was having an affair...emotional or otherwise 2 weeks after her birth...it sounds like he's using you for the convenience of a family and sex and that's just about it.
He doesn't sound like a man with any real morals and his culture is so different from your own. I'm very sorry you ever met the man let alone had children with him. But if you don't get out you are risking your life and the future of your children.
I know a lot of men are dogs in all cultures! But it scares the heck out of me when they can rip your children out of your arms forever.
Get a lawyer! NOW! Someone with experience with international marriages. Make sure that your husband does not have the right to take your daughter out of the country! In fact, find out how to make sure he only has supervised visits, at least for right now. Once she is gone, there is very little the government can do to get her back! Before you leave, or tell your husband you want out, you MUST protect yourself and your daughter to the best of your abilities. Good luck.
While he is gone, download or send to your computer (or someone you completely trust) all the EVIDENCE (yes, this is evidence) you found. Hide your child's passport and contact a lawyer ASAP. You might even want to have your child "visit" your family (and they should not let him in their house) while you gather your important documents and items together. DO NOT LET HIM PICK HER UP FROM SCHOOL!!!! You can notify the school and they are supposed to respect your privacy, better yet have the lawyer talk to them. I knew someone who had a problem with inlaws wanting to talk grandkid to FL with them (threathened daughter in law and she got them on audio). She filled out a form with the school and provided them with pictuers of the grandparents and 2 other relatives who she didn't want to enter the school or pick up the child....and good thing, because they showed up one day and when they were informed that they needed the mom's approval, they stormed out and the mom has never heard from them again (since they were busted). Stay safe and smart....don't let on what you are planning to do---don't piss him off. Prayers to you and your child!
Haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating.
PACK YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE NOW! NOW NOW NOW! At the very least contact a lawyer, file for divorce and change your locks before he gets home. A good divorce/custody lawyer should be able to help you write the divorce and custody agreement so that you will be able to move back to your home state with your daughter.
GO NOW!
If I were you, I'd start stashing some cash away so you are prepared for the end of this marriage which looks like it's coming. Best of luck to you.
I know you say that you have never heard this womans name before, but could it be an old friend?
Besides the "sexual" email, can you actually read the emails? Is it in a foreign language? If so, get them translated by someone before you assume that this woman is his long lost lover. The picture email could be a joke circulating that he just ended up getting - from her.
It sounds as if you think that he does not want to be married to you - why is he then? Because of you "getting" pregnant?
For him to get a green card?
My husbands family too speak a "foreign" language - and frankly after 2 years I was bored as hell and tired from missing out - so I learned their language. Yes, they do speak english - but sometimes it's just easier for them to converse, tell jokes, talk about old times etc in their own language.
Surely you could at least try after 8 years?
What makes you think that he will pick up your child and run off with her? Has he ever made any indication that he would? In that case, yes, I'd say your fears are valid, otherwise no.
Just cause he comes from a country where it has happened, doesn't mean he will do it.
Remember, every individual is different.
So, my advice is to figure out what the letters say, hide you childs passport if you're really worried, and then try to talk to the man, after all - you are married!
