Seeking Advice from Moms

This doesn't really solve the problem, but maybe she shouldn't be going with your son to his dads? If she needs a place to stay, and you are providing that, why does she go to his dad's place? I understand you might enjoy the time without her, but if you are only allowing her in your house b/c she needs a place to stay, why would you allow her to travel with your son? Would you find it acceptable for him to stay at a friend's for a weekend sleep-over where girlfriends were also allowed? Treat her like you would any other foster child you took in.. (YOU took in, being the operative words.. your ex did not take her in).... You might get to know her better if you are with her when your son isn't around.. and she might decide that it's not as much fun and make other living arrangements on her own. I also agree with the poster who suggested asking her parents why she was "kicked out"... Are they horrible parents? Are they monsters? or do they know their daughter better than you? If they ARE monsters and abusers, then you are a lifesaver to this girl.. but you are not doing her favors (or your son) by allowing them to visit his dad overnight together. She should behave (and be treated) like a foster child or a tenant of yours (not your ex's)..
Best of luck...

P.,
I know how it feels to want to help everyone and lose myself in the process. My suggestion is to find a good therapist who understands co-dependent and Adult Children issues.
I could not save the world and by trying I made everyone around me resentful towards me.

On dealing with your son and this girl. I have found honesty is always the best, speaking from I statements and finding out what is going on. Your son is to young to be this deep in any relationship. When my son got into situations beyond his maturity and years I tried very hard to express how I felt and explain that his first job was always to take care of him self to be self caring and ask him self what he needed and let the other person figure things out for them selves using the same question, “what do I need” with in a healthy discipline.

B.

I am 57 years old with one stepson (28 years old) and a wonderful husband. The best part is being Reed Patrick’s grandma. Reed is 13 months old, what a joy to help raise a child. Working hard to live an open honest healthy life.
I own Beth’s friends an art gallery in the Bishop Block of Historic Sanford, Florida

Boy, it seems like you have quite a mess. I'm very sorry that you have to deal w/ this but I do think since you are asking that you might be ready to do something. You're the only one who can, since all this deals w/ you. When you make decisions you have to determine what you believe is right to do and then do it. You can spend your life wondering what someone is going to think or what they will do and never get anywhere, then wind up putty in someone's hands. Trust your gut feelings, you can't keep doing what you think your son wants in order to keep his love. He has to learn sooner or later that you love him regardless and that he loves you. I'm speaking from my own experience. Let go of trying to control everything. I will be praying.

P.,

She is an adult, she needs to go to the local aid office and explain she has no home and ask for help.

Your son is young & will have to learn about the dissappoints in life.

Do have her LEAVE & SOON before you find yourself supporting a new Grandchild!

A.

I can only imagine what you are going through. My children are still small so I don't know what it is like but I do remember how I felt and acted when my parents didn't like an older man that I dated while in highschool. As far as your son goes, I think you need to trust that you raised him well. You should encourage him to make his own decision about her but if he thinks that she is the one, then she will wait until they both have finished with college and are at least 22 and know what type of careers they both want to have. College and careers tend to either separate couples or bring them closer together. I have a couple of friends who were high school and middle school sweathearts who didn't get married or engaged until after college. As for this girl, it is your house and you have the right to decide who lives there (including your parents). I would talk to her parents to find out exactly why she isn't welcome to stay with them. Their answer may make your decision easier. If you don't want her to stay then talk to your son. Tell him all the reasons why and make sure he understands. If you think she can stay, then charge her rent and set rules. You can take her word for it or get it in writting as you would with a stranger tenent. Good luck and trust your gut.

Dear P.,
You are an enabler and you are co-dependant. You will continue having these issues as long as you want to please everyone. You like to have others depend on you because that means they need you and they will not leave someone they need. Why are you afraid to be alone? Or to lose someone? Yes, it's not a pleasant thing to happen, but your actions are controlled by this fear. Therefore, you are the fall guy for everything whether you were there or not. You have accepted this lot in life, in order to not be abandoned.
You allow others failures to become your failures so that they do not have to suffer and you do this so that they will not want to leave you. Does any of this sound true?
My advice, give yourself permission to have a say in things. Give yourself permission to have a backbone, no matter what the consequences are. Your son, your only son, will respect you for it in the long run. He is not only your only son, you are his only mother. P., you are not going to lose him. He loves you. But at 17, he may try to manipulate you by using the "I'll just leave" card. Give him a choice, he will be back if he does decide to leave with his dear sweet manipulating, controling girlfriend. He will soon see her true colors and come back to your home. Let him know that your door is always open to him, but that you cannot support his girlfriend anymore as living in your home. Say it in love and stand your ground. Give her a time frame in which to find another place and don't falter on it. You can even sit down with them both and work out a plan of action together. Let them know that you are on their side, but that this is the decision you have made and you are sticking to it.
You may even call the girls parents and let them know that their daughter is going to be on the streets and they need to help her find a place to stay. Parenting doesn't end at 18! It is their responsibility to help her no matter what she has put them through. That's what being a parent is about, unconditional sacrifice!
I hope I haven't sounded too harsh, but you need to start living without so much fear of what others think or will do.
God Bless You!
T.