Seeking Advice from Mom's with a Similar Situation

I would definitely NOT do this without some professional counseling. The school social worker might be a good start. My son is almost 10. He is adopted so in a sense a similar situation. He is starting to struggle with the issues and while I don't think you should wait until she is older I think 10 might be a difficult time too. I have heard that the middle ages are the most difficult for self identity and my experience with my son tells me it is starting. Although my son has always known he is adopted and even knows his birthmom he is struggling with the "who am I" situation. I wish you the best of luck!

Speak to her school counselor and teacher. They are equipped to help you with what you say and how to say it. I can see how you would want to hold off mom but there may never be the right time to tell her. She'll be coming into her puberty time when everything gets more and more hard to deal with. For that reason I think it would be better now. Is her bio dad deceased or just an jack_ _ _? Don't ever put him down or make her feel unloved by him (even if he is a jerk). Good luck.

I would tell her now instead of later in life, just find the right words and time to tell her, if you wait later she might resent both of you and even cut ties,Good Luck!!!

If I were you I would tell her now.

A friend of mine didn't find out until she was going to college (and needed medical records and birth certificate) that she was adopted. She was furious! She didn't forgive her parents for a long time.

On the other hand, I've always known I was adopted. I never had a problem with it. When you grow up with it as a child, you just accept it for what it is.

I would stop treating it as though you are "lying" to her or "keeping something from her" or she'll think that you are! Instead, just explain that now she's old enough to understand the biology of it all you can explain that her daddy did not CONCEIVE her, but IS her father. A body is just that...a body and it takes two people to make a body. But love, that's what makes a Mother and a Father.

If you just make sure she knows the definition of a "father" and a "biological father" she'll be fine. If you just come out and tell her that he's not her "father" she could become really upset. In reality you're telling her she has an ADDITIONAL person who helped her come into being, she's not "losing" anyone. I would approach it from the perspective of "you know you have a mother and a father. Did you know you also have a biological father too?"

Good luck!

We have an adopted daughter and in our 8 plus hours of adoption education we were required to have, they kept bringing up: keep the topic in the open. If you can't remember the last time you talked about adoption, it's been too long. If your child isn't bringing up the adoption, bring it up for him/her. Let them know it's ok to talk about it.

You are in a slightly different situation but the truth and openness part still applies. Other people know the truth and you should control how/when she gets the information. The advice about seeking professional help is good, too. If you are both 'ok' and comfortable with it, it will go a long way towards your daughter being comfortable with it.

When we were considering adoption, a wise friend said 'you love your husband don't you?'. My reply was 'more than my family'. Well, you don't have to be related by blood in order to have a love that is strong and permanent.

Do not wait until later. It will be balloon into 'what else didn't you tell me? What else are you lying about' if you aren't careful.

hth!

I think you are right. I would consider involving a counselor for a short period of time to help her process her thoughts that may develop over a little bit of time.

If not a counselor, be sure to help her address things she may not consider on her own but could come up in the future. For instance, she may not know how to answer questions from others in the future regarding her family. If someone at school asks a question about her mother or father or siblings she may be confused as to what is appropriate or the correct answer. You can give her some answers she is comfortable with and that may be the full truth or what you guys consider to be the true family.

My husband was raised by his step father from age 1; it was the only father he ever knew. His mother didn't tell him until he was 16. My husband was furious that they did not tell him sooner. He felt like his whole life up to that point was a lie. His anger passed eventually, but he is still a bit bitter about it. That being said, he never wanted to meet his bio father & still doesn't. He still calls his step father Dad, & his love for him never changed. A father is not the one who plants the seed, but the one who loves & nurtures you. But your daughter deserves to know the truth. I would tell her now.

My boyfriend is adopted and has known for his entire life.I don't know at what age he was told exactly,but when we talk about it I get the feeling he has known his entire life. He is truly o.k. with it.He has had some thoughts of finding his parents but not enough to do it.My brother was also adopted by my father,we had the same mother but different fathers. I knew that my entire life. I don't call him my half brother he is my brother..I guess what I am trying to say is the earlier the better. I think letting them know lets them "come into the news" on their own time and not yours.

If you choose to tell her, just remember that he is her father, perhaps, not biologically, but he has earned the Title because he has been there for every giggle, cough, cold, sleepless night, first word and the millions of other milestones that she will have. She was a gift from God, hand-picked, and they were chosen for each other and are joined at the heart! God gives us children in many different ways. "Biological" doesn't necessarily earn you the rank of being "Dad".

It certainly isn't something that you would ever want someone to tell her, first. That could be confusing - like there is something to hide.

Best of luck to you. (What a great dad!)

I have a daughter that is almost 4 years old. Her Dad is not her biological dad- but he's been there since she was five months old. Her "donor" hasn't seen my baby since she was 2 weeks old. In our situation we definitely have to explain the situation to her soon- she is White and Hispanic and her Dad is Black. Also, her paternal grandmother is in the picture and sees her twice a month. So it would be difficult to keep it from her. In my opinion children in this situation should be told earlier rather then later. I myself was adopted and I knew that as long I can remember. I believe always knowing that made it less of an issue for me and I never felt like I had to "deal" with being adopted.
I've told my daughter that Scott (her donor- as we call him) helped me make her and that God wanted the best man for the job of her Daddy and Scott wasn't it. And so he chose Daddy to be her Daddy. And Daddy will always be her Daddy and will always love her.
I agree with Scarlet in telling her her birth father loves her and wants the best for her.
Good luck with this situation!

I disagree with all the responses that used words like 'deception', 'tell her now', etc.

First off, define the word 'father' - this is someone who has been there for your child since day 1; the provider, someone who keeps your daughter safe; someone who showers her with love and care. This man, this 'father', is the person you are with now.

Let's now think of another person whom you were intimate with and became pregnant - is he really the father?.. What exactly are you going to tell a 10 year old, 'the man you call your father is not the one I conceived you with'?

She is not at the level to understand anatomy and how things happen, how she happened. She knows the righteous father, the man you've been with for the past ten years, and the man that has raised your daughter to this point. The other guy is not the father, and he shouldn't be given the privilege to be called that.

I think if you ever decide to tell your daughter, you should wait until she is mature enough to understand; there is no need for her to know it now and be all confused.

Gosh that's hard. I can speak from the child's perspective though. My mom told me when I was 6. I think I didn't really understand and rolled with the punches. Then I wanted to know who my "real" dad was. Be ready for a lot of questions and probably a little bit of hurt, but I would do it sooner rather than later so this way she doesn't feel like she is being duped when she is 15 or 16 and finds out. Is your husband's name on the birth certificate or is her biological father's? When she goes for her drivers license she will need her birth certificate so you don't want to wait until that comes up to tell her. Also explain that there is a different between a Dad and a Father. That was how my mom explained it to me and it has been the best thing in the world. I strongly advise not waiting otherwise you will lose her trust from keeping such a big secret. I would not, however, tell the other siblings until they are older and can understand. I wish you all the luck in the world.

You need to tell her now. She is old enough to grasp the situation and if you wait until you hit the teenage years I think she will be alot less receptive and forgiving. My mother was adopted and unfortunately her adoptive parents died when she was 9. They never told her she was adopted and it really hurt that her parents didn't tell her. God forbid anything ever happen to you or your husband but it would be even more devastating if she hears the truth from someone else.

Get counseling for both you and your husband first. Not that the two of you have a 'problem', but just to get some expert opinion on how to handle this situation from someone who deals with this regularly.

Yes, you need to tell her...before she finds out on her own. It isn't going to be news taken lightly no matter how you look at it, but wouldn't you rather be upfront and honest with her as opposed to her "discovering a lie" and finding out about it in a different way? There are very positive and affirming ways that this news can be shared. If she finds out on her own, then her mind may be filled with doubtful thinking such as "why did they lie to me", "where they so ashamed of me that they couldn't tell me", "my whole life is based on a lie". I cannot guarantee that she will think these things, but try to see things from a 10 year old's perspective.

Step one - consult with an expert/counselor in this area to learn more about how you should proceed. Your husband took on a great and wonderful responsibility and has loved her as his own. She should always know that!

Telling her now is a good idea. If you're not comfortable with how to approach it, maybe seeking advice with a professional could be something to consider.

I think it's wonderful that your husband took on the role as her dad and I believe that he's the dad. To me, biology means nothing if he loves her to death. So many mixed/adopted families live long and happy lives together.

I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

I would tell her sooner rather than later. The longer you wait the more she will feel betrayed or lied to. I know this is a tough one. She will still love your husband and always consider him her father. It is not always biology that makes a parent. As girls reach their teen years the father/daughter relationship begins to strain with the daughter's burgeoning womanhood. Sometimes one or both are awkward being around each other or can cause huge arguments and lead to purposeful defiance. If you tell her in the throes of those teenage years it will be a bigger cause for rebellion and defiance of both you and your husband. Those teen years are rough enough without a bomb like that dropped on you. If she feels like you waited too long now I would tell her that you just wanted to make sure she was old enough to fully understand the situation. I do believe waiting any longer would be a dire mistake. Good luck. I know this is a very hard time for all involved.

I would agree with you. I was adopted and told from the very begininning about it. I love all of my family and was told that my biological parents did what was right for me to have a better life. I feel that if you tell her now it would be a lot easier than waiting until she is out of high school. If she accidentally finds out before you tell her, she will be very upset and hurt. It's better for her to hear it from you. I would talk to your husband and make sure that you have a complete good story. I wouldn't down grade her biological father even if he is a bad guy. She might eventually want to meet him. I was told that I would be allowed to search for my biological family when I turned 18 or 21 depending on if my mom thought I could handle it or not.

Also, in my fmaily we never use the word "real" to describe my biological family. I feel that my adopted mom & dad are my real parents.

Good luck!

I don't have much advise, per se... I can only share my experince and hope you can adapt it for your situation. I was in the same situation. My mom sat me down and told me the truth when I was 12. She did so because I had an aunt coming to visit that has a big mouth and she didn't want me to hear it from her.

#1 - I'm glad that I heard it from my mom. I wouldn't have wanted to hear it from anyone else. If you think there is a chance of it slipping from someone else's tongue, by all means tell her now, before anyone else can.

#2 - In retrospect I may have been too young to hear about it. I think finding out I wasn't good enough for my biological father (no matter how awesome my DAD was to me) was too deep of a rejection for me at that age. I think it may have been the root of many of the issues I had growing up (and still do to some effect) of fear of rejection, depression, and a painfully low self-esteem.

#3 - I can't really say it would have been better if she had waited until I was 18 to tell me. Maybe it would have been worse because of being lied to for so long. Then again, maybe I would have been able to process the information in a more mature manner and not taken it so personally.

Whatever you decide, good luck. I know this will be hard for you all. Let us know what you decide, I know we will all be thinking of you.

I definitely think telling her the truth now is best. Imagine if she finds out by some other way than you telling her with love (overhears your discussions about it or someone else lets it slip)? Not to mention the trust that would be lost if that happened. By biological mother and I are not close, but my step-mom has been in my life since I was 18 months old, so I know that love is thicker than blood and she will understand that too. I think it would go a long way to showing your daughter that you think of her as a young lady who can start to handle grown-up things. Good luck.

Wow, I can see how that can happen - why mention it when everyone just assumes? But you need to tell her before someone else does, if anyone else knows or there's any chance she can find out. One of my older cousins was 16 when another cousin told her she was adopted. It was one of those things where the older people in the family knew, but the kids weren't supposed to. What a mess. She probably had other issues, but the timing was horrible, right in the middle of teenage hormones.

Anyway, you sound like a loving family and I'm sure it will be fine but I agree that some professional advice would be helpful, just because kids that age have such a fragile developing sense of themselves and who they are in the world.

The earlier you tell her the better. I was adopted and I always knew this. It wasn't a secret and so it wasn't hard to accept. Waiting till adulthood is too late. She will think you have been lying to her and betraying her trust. It probably would have been better if she knew this before now but what is done is done. I think you can explain that he is her daddy just not her biological daddy. He loves her very very much. Good luck.

My daughter is 9. She has known her daddy since she was 10 months old. It took 3 years for him to adopt her. She has never seen photos of her biological father, although I have some for her to see when it is time.

My wedding photos had here in them. As she got older she asked more questions. She remembers going to the judge telling him that this was here daddy. This last year she knows more details about her adoption. She knows her birthfather loved her, but wanted her to have a better daddy and she knows that when she is older I will help her with anything she needs to find out.
My cousins are all adopted, so when she was born I gave her knowledge a little at a time. My daughter also talks to my cousin about things, so that helps.

My daughter knows, it is not how you got into this world but who loves and cares for you. Tell your husband that it is time, she has a right to know, but it will not change love. He will always be her daddy.

M.,

Unless there is a situation coming up that would cause your daughter to find out on her own or there questions about why she looks different from your husband or her siblings, I would leave it alone until she is older or a "natural" opportunity presents itself (i.e. she needs her birth certificate for something). I have a "mother by marriage" and she's been my Mom since i was 2 and don't remember her not being around, bu I always knew that my birth mother had passed.
I would think that making a big deal about telling your daughter right now might hurt her, but telling her later you can say "we didn't feel like we needed to say anything because Dad is your Dad and he loves you"
It can be hard knowing your parent is your bio parent, but they are to your sibs because it can make you question decisions, discipline, etc.

Hi M.,

Though I know it's a difficult conversation no matter when you have it, I think it's better to have it sooner rather than later. Despite the fact that neither of you have done anything wrong, she may feel resentful if you tell her in her late teens. I know a little girl that was told from the very beginning that she was adopted, and she proudly announced her heritage (Japanese) to anyone/everyone wherever she went. She loves her parents and they love her, and she understands without any upset.

I would sit down with your husband and work out what to say, and what your responses are to some of her possible questions or comments. When you feel as comfortable as you can, have the chat. That's my opinion.

My son just tuened 10 and I have to say that if I were in your shoes, I think 10 is a good age for the news. She's at an age where she'll understand. I think the longer you wait the bigger an issue it will become and there's a higher chance she'd be upset that you didnt tell her earlier. Most likely she will be fine with the news. Perhaps your husband is worried that their relationship will change. I doubt it.
I remember having a friend who was adopted. When her biological parents wanted to meet her, she didn't want much to do with them because her mom and dad were the parents who raised her. Not her biological parents.

My advice to tell her why she still young my daughter always knew my Husband was not her biological father and she love him and he love just as he is.

Very similar situation over here. I'm 30, my husband 40, and we have three children, but my oldest has a different biological 'donor' (lol). We don't have to deal with the biological father at all either.
What I found out when trying to approach the subject is that it's much scarier for the adults. Just bring it up as casually as you can. We told our oldest son when he was five. We figure the sooner he knows, the better, and the more comfortable he'll be with it as he gets older. You're totally right that your daughter is still young and sweet and forgiving, and the sooner you tell her, the better. Your daughter knows that your husband is her dad, regardless. Please tell her right away- it's so much harder when they are teenagers and rebelious. I know it's difficult, but she'll get a better handle on it if you tell her now, then it's something she knows and becomes familiar with before she hits those rocky teenage years. Think of how devastated you would be to find out when you are heading to college. If you tell her now, it'll be way easier on her.
Please send me a message if you would like to ask any questions or discuss further!
Good luck!

I don't have personal experience with this situation, but I do work with junior high kids. Once they hit the pre-teen/teenage years, some kids have a lot of issues as they try to define themselves as individuals. It may be better for her to learn that information and process it now rather than during that more turbulent time of life. Just a thought - I'm certainly not an expert by any means.

Hi- I think the sooner the better. She is more forgiving now. She may even take it better than you think. Deceiving her for 10 more years will not make it better, probably only worse. Just let her know how lucky she is to have such a great man in her life. Make it a positive thing, not the end of something. Good Luck.

A.

Dont do this while she is in school. You & your husband need to be on the same page about this too. If she sees that you & her father are not together on this it will be a bad outcome. Seek conseling whether its through her school or outside, you both need it right now before you tell her. I disagree with Katie S about letting your daughter know that her biological father doesnt love her. I feel it should be quite the opposite. I never new my father & my mom bad mouthed him all the time & she told me he didnt love me & that was very difficult for me even now as an adult I still remember the bad things she said. You also have a 7 year old to conisder in this equation. This will affect that child too. Good luck

Hello M., I know that this is a heavy burden upon your heart, but I can tell you that you should trust "your gut". I had a similar situation, although reversed. I became pregnant with my son while still married to a very abusive husband, and my husband was not the father of my child. I divorced him when my son was only still a baby. When my son was 2 years old his true father and I began to build a home together, but because of fear about what my exhusband could and most likely would do to me, my son did not know the truth. OK. long story trying to be shortened....fast forward to my son being 9 years old. My exhusband has now fled the scene and is no longer a threat to me and the fact that the truth is not known is causing me a lot of stress. I decided to tell my son the truth about his dad. I prayed for the right words and the right delivery, and one evening after going to see Mrs Doubtfire at the movies I knew the time was right to tell him. You know what? He was perfectly fine with the news and told me he always thought of J. as his dad anyway because he treated him like a dad should. Just as you say your daughter is sweet and forgiving, and it sounds as if your husband is truly a father to her, I would not wait to tell her. These years ahead are going to get "bumpier" and she becomes a tween and then a teen. Tell her now and if needed, then take her to counseling to help her learn how to process these things that happen to us in life that leave us confused.

My son is now 25 years old, and sadly his dad passed away when he was 14. Had I waited until he was any older to tell him, my boy would have been really damaged. Your daughter will not love her dad, your husband, any less but will love him more. Perhaps he is fearing her rebellious years and the words thrown out that are based in fear and confusion, such as "you are not my father you can't tell me what to do??" She may still say the mean things to him even if she still thinks her is her bio. dad. ( I also have a daughter:)

Blessings to you, your family is in my prayers. God will help you to find the right words, just ask Him what to say.
Don't wait any longer.

I would recommend you tell your daughter as soon as possible while she is still young. If you wait until she is a teenager, she is much more likely to be hurt and resentful that you were keeping something from her. Tell her in a very positive way and maybe do the explaining when you tell her about "the birds and the bees" -- could be a nice transition into explaining what happened. It will be harder for her to deal with this if you tell her when she's an adult.

You should also talk with your daughter's teacher and school counselor in case she begins to act out in class - so that they can be aware and alert you (not necessarily talk with her about it, as she might not want to talk with them about it). And I agree that a consultation with a counselor is an excellent idea to help you share this important news. How wonderful you have such a caring husband! Good luck!

This is a hard question but I think the younger she finds out the better. If you tell her in high school or in college she may feel that she was lied to most of her life and she may get angry and/or resentful. I would tell her now and continue to reaffirm that he loves her no matter what.

It seems that your instinct is leading you to tell her the truth. Although your husband is not the biological father of your daughter, in many ways he is her daddy (biology does not determine or prevent a parent from loving that child even if that child does not shares the parent's genes) Better she hears the truth from you and your husband than risking to finding out about it from other sources.

Trust your instinct and start the conversation now. Just go slow with it and let your husband lead with "You know how much I love you and how much I wanted you to be my little girl".

I am not in the same position, as I have always known that my stepfather was not "my dad" (my parents divorced before I was a year old). I can only imagine that the older your daughter gets the harder this will be for her because she will likely see it as a deception. Do you want to have to deal with normal teenage issues and the "you're not my REAL dad" issues at the same time?

You may want to look into some counseling for her before you have this conversation in case she takes it hard. Better to be prepared.

In any case, she needs to know how much her stepdad wanted her to be in his life, and that she and you both were part of the marriage deal. He needs to let her know that he wanted a family, not just a wife. Hopefully this will lessen any feelings about why her "real dad" didn't want to be in her life. Good luck - I will be praying for you and your family.

I haven't been in the situation in any sense of the word.

But it seems me that if it is explained the right way. Things should work out the way that's "ok" for everyone. Biology does not make a family. Love makes a family.

But at the same time, hiding the truth makes it seem as though you think it's wrong. If that is the impression that your daughter gets, she's not going to take the news good. But if you can go at it from the perspective that her "dad" has always loved her and her "father (biological)" doesn't love her. I think things would be 'accepted' easier.

Don't wait to tell her though. If you wait to long she'll think you didn't trust her enough to tell her (or that you were too ashamed to tell her). The teenage years are hard enough on parent/child relationships. Don't need to make things worse by waiting too long 'explain' some things.

She's still old enough to go at you with the "teenage" hormones/attitude. But she's also still young enough that she won't hate you for the rest of her life, over a detail such as this.

You can even go at it with the idea that you didn't think it was such a big deal because as far as you were concerned "dad" is her dad. But that you got to thinking about it and thought she should know because everyone deserves to know the whole story. Now is also the prime time to weave some "life lessons". You had your daughter and was lucky enough to find a loving dad for her. Not everyone is so lucky. Which is why one shouldn't rush into relationships.

All kinds of life lessons could be learned here. Not that I know your life story, but teenagers don't care about what mom "did wrong or right" until the "mistake" has been made. Teach them the life lessons young and hopefully they won't make "huge" mistakes down the road.

Good luck with however you choose to go about this!!

no no no do not wait, you need to slowly s tart to tell her now andif nt get the help from a counsleour. we adopted our daughter at two years old and she has known right away and did not understnd the full concept till she was about 6 but if you wait till the teen age years she will hate you and think you all have betrayed her for her entire life becasue you lied to her and betrayed her trust for all these years. not to be harsh about this but as a teenage this is what they think and feel and we have done a lot of research and seen a lot of people go though this and how hurt they are as young aduls. please tell her now and if you can afford get some good therapist who deals with these issues and has experience with it. just google in your area or call an adoption agency. also did your husband ever think about adopting her to make it offical he is the father? When they see the birht certificate with his and your name on it helps make it more concrete to them. Please feel free to e-mail me and I can help you find some therapists or if yo uhave any more questions, we took many classes on issues similar to this and my next door neighbor went though your situatuation and you can talk to her. her daughter is 25 now and having tons of issues and we think if he would have adopted her that could have helped.good luck
J.

TELL HER!! I would have felt very betrayed to have not learned something like this until I was out of high school!!! It makes it more of a "big deal" than it needs to be, and why be so secretive about it? That's a lot to wrap your head around after believing something else for almost 20 years! I would let her know VERY soon, and there are probably some good books or web articles with suggestions on how to lead into the whole subject. Good luck.

Hi M. i've been in a similar situation with my stepfather he's been in my life snice i was 7months old i do know my father but i didn't find out i had a different father until i was about your daughter age after i found out i became very distance from my stepfather& mother both i couldn't understand why they didin't tell me before then but now that im an adult it makes sense i did meet my real father that year and i barely spent any time with him because i never thought i could forgive him for leaving my mother i felt he wasn't a real man i still don't understand his reason for leaving but i do understand my stepfather for stepping up. (LOVE) The suggestions that i have for you all are there should be a day that you all set which could be the day that you ,your and your daugther became a family show her pictures ,thing that are special to you all show her how much he love her show her and tell he might not be her real but he's the best for the job and how god put him her life to make sure that she has the best life possible show her that it does'nt matter if he didn't father her but he's going be there for her in all parts of her life i wish you luck and my blessing are with you and your wonderful family and congrats on having a grat man in your life to support you o.x.o.x.o

I have a 26 yr old and I still have not told him. I wanted his "father" to have a blood test to determine this. The biological father is out of the picture since day 1, so contact with him is not an option. I waited and waited but no time seemed right. Now, it's so late that it would probably only harm him more if I told him. I'm not on very good terms with his father and he's always saying "don't tell him", but in the same breath says "he's not mine". A real winner. He can't let go of things that happened 30 years ago and constantly reminds me of my wrong doings. If the biological father is in your life, or if it will not do any good in telling her, I would not tell her. Adoption is a different situation. I think they could deal with the fact that you "chose" them for your child. But this (in my opinion) only leads to more questions and distrust. Good luck.

I might be wrong since I do not have experience on this subject - yet.
My sons are very young and do not know their father either and talking to their PreK teacher she said to leave it alone, they are just too young.
I think and again that is just what I would do, it does not mean it is the bets answer, I would wait until your daughter has her first boyfriend, or after she seen one of her own relationships go wrong.
Good luck on that....

I think the younger the better - my worry is that when she is older she will feel betrayed and lied to. My 1/2 sister was never told about her natural father and found out in her late teens from someone outside the home. She is now 40 and still furious that she was robbed of that information and it ruined the relation with her step father and our mother for many years. If she finds out as a teenager she may turn on you and want her natural father. Seek some professional help and get it done asap. Good luck to you - my prayers are with you.

I think that you should tell your daughter the truth. Better to do it now and for her to know the truth than to wait until she is too old and she resents you for lying. I am in a similar situation and my son is 3. I know this might seem crazy to try and explain a difficult situation to a 3 year old, but I made this decision to tell him the truth because I did not want my child growing up and finding out the truth from someone else and resenting me. Do what your heart tells you to do and pray about it really hard. God will look out for you! Good luck