For the past 10 months I had been dating a man. We had our typical up and downs as with any ordinary relationship. Here lately, he had been asking to meet my family, especially my father. I have never been acustomed to bring home random guys unless it is something serious. I did express this to him. That is when he told me that he had something very important that he wanted to tell me. To make a long story short, I found out that he had an arranged marriage with a young girl from his country. Two years ago (before he met me), his father and step mother introduced him to this girl and they made a committment to wait for each other. In her case, to be of age and finish school. The girl is now 17 and got accepted to a local university here in the area and was approved for a student visa. The only reason why he told me is because she will be arriving soon. The man I was dating is 31. I feel betrayed. I wish he would have told me about this a long time ago, because I would have ended things then and there. He told me that he does care for me and does not want to lose me - he would like to remain friends. I can not bring myself to do this. I cut ties with him and changed all of my phone numbers. This guy got very angry about me not understanding his situation and turned the scripts to make me look like the bad person. I know that I am not. He told me that he would prefer to leave me and try to make it work with this girl because she waited for him and he said that he met her first. Then this guy went on to add insult stating that he doesnt even knbow if it will work out with her and wants me to stay in contact if it doesnt. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or known someone? If so, what resulted and how did they pick up the pieces to move on?
Additonal info: The guy is Muslim religion (Albanian) / I am Christian (Latina)
I would like to thank everyone for their support, comments and advice. While I was very upset, I am actually relieved to be away from him. We had other problems while we were together. I tried very hard to be patient and help him before I found out about this prearranged girl. He was a very insecure man and would try his best to make me feel bad. Other differences that we had: education - he dropped out his senior year of HS - Salary - I make significantly more money (though I never disclosed how much I made) as he would have had a riot - Criminal Background - he had prior convictions. Yes, I know that I should have known better than to get involved with someone like this but he painted this picture of someone who was trying to do better in life and change. He relocated from CT to TX - citing change of environment to clean his act up. I figured that since he grew up in the US, he would be a little more open minded, but I guess that wasnt the case. I am not going to change my life around for any man - or be less of who I am to make a man feel better about himself. Thank God that he has shed some light on the situation so I can go on an meet the right "one."
I have not been in this situation specifically, but I have had a relationship with a man who couldn't be faithful to any woman. I ended the relationship and moved on. Personally, I would suggest ending this relationship immediately and cutting off all contact with him. He has treated you with severe disrespect. There can never be a happy relationship when there is betrayal, hostility and disrespect. Good luck!
He's a creep and you are better off without him. I would not be friends. Let him find some other honey to be his second if his first girl doesn't work out.
I knew someone like him 15 years ago. He wanted to keep me on the side just in case. I ended it, because that is just being used. You need to come first and not be his second choice in case it does not work out. I saw him years later with the person(now his wife) -- he did not see me. If you are renting a apartment, you might even have to move. His religion is very important to his family and they are a tight group. You are lucky to be rid of him.
yes, albanians will marry albanian girls. just what it is. no, you should not wait for him. in fact, you should cut all ties with him.
the region of albania has 3 religions, islamic, christian and orthodox, which means he is not marrying her for religious reasons but to marry an albanian girl who understands him, his culture, his background etc.
i don't understand why are you even talking to him at this point, and why did he want to meet your dad? to tell him he's dragging you along while he is about to get married to another girl?
there are many many men out there. this one is taken
good luck
Please tell me you are not second guessing yourself!! This guy has already shown his type of character by hiding the fact of this arrangement from you. Plus, he's 31 and she's 17 and they decided this 2 years ago?! Personally I am not sure where the question is. You did NOTHING wrong. I would stay as far away from this guy as possible and be thankful you only spent 10 months on him vs. a number of years. Go and find yourself a GOOD guy who has the same morals and beliefs as you. Trust me, it WILL come into play when you marry and have children.
Cut ties. MOve on with your life without him. He was dishonest. I would not have anything to do with him again.
You should tell your family what is happening so they are aware. I wouldn't introduce him to my father but I would make Dad aware of this man and what he is capable of.
Good luck, I know it hurts now but your soul will heal and in time you will find a good man, Christian, Muslim or otherwise.
Oh sweetie, don't second guess yourself at all on this! My hubby has an old friend who I think is a complete creep. This guy has been dating an American girl for 3 years, all the while sending his parents on excursions to Lebanon to find him a wife. He told my hubby that if his parents don't find him a "better girl" before he's 35, he'll marry the American girl. Poor girl! I have no clue why she stays with him, since she knows his intentions. I can't imagine being in such a situation and can't believe she's already wasted 3 years of her life with him. He's got 2 more years before he's 35, so maybe she's trying to wait it out? Sad.
**From my experience in dealing with Muslim-influenced cultures, meeting your father is not really a sign of respect towards you or your dad, but more so that he can size up your family to see if you come from a good background. My in-laws (Christians from Iraq) were OBSESSED with meeting my parents, and, eventually, traveling to my home state with me to meet our extended family as well. Luckily we passed inspection :)
Furthermore, I don't think it is fair for some of the posters to comment on the age difference so vehemently. It is very common in many traditional cultures for the man to be much older than the woman. It's not a pedophilia-type thing, but the fact that the men just marry much later in life. For them, they are supposed to become established in their careers before seeking out a wife so that they can properly provide for the needs of a family. This CAN be abused so that the men use the time to sow their wild oats, but the rationale behind marrying later is not despicable.**
You are absolutely doing the right thing here. He most definitely should have told you about it. Don't let him turn this on you-it is him that is 100% wrong. You need to talk to him and calmly tell him that you want no further contact with him. Do not take his calls at all. From what I assume about these arranged marriages from different cultures it seems that they must be fullfilled or risk huge problems with the families. He will probably be bound by honor to fullfill his obligation. So cut your losses now. I know it is hurtful but it will absolutely get better to the point that it will be just another dating story that you tell.
He was totally wrong to not tell you about this. He should not have even started a relationship with you. It's disgraceful. I won't comment on my thoughts about a 31 year old having an arranged marriage to a 17 year old...ok I will.... Arranged marriages are fine if that is customary in one's culture...however, a grown man waiting for a child to get through puberty is beyond comprehension. I feel sorry for this poor young girl.
Run for the hills!!! . I'm sure you loved him but imagine if he did marry you, after all. His processing and the way he thinks about things are off and self-centered. Take this child bride as a gift to you, to get on with your life and you don't need to be his friend. He wants to be intimate or emotionally involved with an ex while he is married. What does that tell you? You can do better. BTW I'm Muslim by birth and middle-eastern. I don't practice, though.
Kick him to the curb!! As you have and changing phone numbers was a good idea. You might read up on the Albanian culture...and realize that if you stuck around you might as well marry someone who doesn't even speak the same language as you "culturally" speaking.
Marrying him would have been a nightmare...it sounds like he wants a young "trainable" girl (come on a 31 and a 17 year old...that is creepy) who knows his culture and has been hand picked by his parents as acceptable.
Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too with icing...an approved marriage to a manageable/gullible/culturally appropriate girl and then a side romance, eventually affair with someone else to appease his Western tastes and desires.
No one deserves to be some one's back up plan or be asked to hang around in case my relationship/marriage doesn't work out and then we can get back together. He doesn't love either of you...if he did he wouldn't have two women in his life...
Being that you are a Christian woman get out there and start meeting other Christian men...get involved in a church and go to any functions they have for singles. Try and put this other guy behind you as just not right for you on many levels. You will find a man who thinks you hung the moon and wants you to be his only one.
Sending you a big hug
Consider yourself lucky that you got out of this when you did! Don't let him bully you into thinking you are the bad guy! Why would you want to be his "back up plan", I don't even know you but I know you are better than that! You deserve a man that chooses you over everything else! I'm sure that culturally he is not used to being rejected by a woman which is causing the anger. Try to keep yourself as far away from him as you can! If he continues to stalk you (it sounds like it's moving that way), contact the police, let your family know, etc. You need to get away from him and protect yourself! I know this all sounds cold, but from the outside looking in it's best you stay away!
I know that 10 months seems like a long time to invest in a relationship, but in the whole scheme of things it isn't. That being said, I don't think that the amount of time has anything to do with how deeply you feel for a person. Give yourself time to grieve. Go out with friends, try something new that you've been wanting to do. Go to church and get involved. Just do whatever you can do to get yourself back. If not for you, but for the sake of your children!
I worked with two Albanian women. They both had 2 sons each. Their sons had a lot of girlfriends (american) and had a good time. All boys since birth were promised to girls back home. These ladies didn't see a problem with their sons leading the girls they dated on. They said it's tradition for an arranged marriage. My argument was , well you are not in Albania anymore so the people your boys are playing with are unaware of your customs. There was always an argument about it, but bottom line, he will never feel guilty or remorse and the fact that he got angry because you cut ties with him, shows you he isn't the one for you. Stay strong and stay away!
First of all If a Man is a true Muslim a believer in Islam knows better that Islam does not allow a Muslim Man or Muslima woman to have any kind of relationship before marriage. Thus he's not a believing Man and should not be trusted in any kind of relationship..and just for clearifcation purpose arrange marriage is not a must in Islam a Man has a choice to choose his bride on his own and vice versa. But in the case of an arrange marriage it is required in Islam that a Girl has a right to refuse to marry the Man that her parents choose for her. If only Muslims would follow their Religion according to Quran and teachings of the prophet....they would not have been given a Bad Name.
Hi there: It is my understanding that arranged marriages are a part of the Muslim religion and culture, however so is honesty! Having honorable intentions shows respect in all cultures. The young 17 year old is in the same boat as you are. I feel sorry for her as well.
I think that you have done the right thing which is to break all ties with him. Relationships are based on trust. I took a college level class at Oklahoma Christian University, called "Christian Family" as part of my education degree. Mixed religion relationships/marriages have a high failure rate. It would be better to break all ties now than later. If you think that you are heartbroken now, imagine how it would feel later down the road. I had a friend in college that was Christian and she was dating a Muslim guy that was about 4 years older. She went through the same thing. He used her and then when he graduated, he left her behind.
Some things to do that will help you to move on and pick up the pieces of your life is to get back into what your routine was, stick with your family, friends, and Church. Resume old activities, hobbies, sports, (or start a new hobby or sport or join a group at Church) and soon it will feel like second nature, and when you are feeling truly happy with your accomplishments, another great guy will see that beauty and will become interested in you!
Good luck and God bless you! I will be praying for God to guide you daily!
Just from your additional info I would say that it wouldn't have worked out. Please believe that the differences are just too vast. It's way too difficult for most couples to overcome. On occasion it can work, especially if the muslim partner is willing to relax a little.
On a more personal non-religious note I would have to say that you did the right thing. I wouldn't want to be a stand-by either!!! I am NO ONE'S SPARE and neither are YOU!
Obviously this guy has some problems with interpersonal relations. His request that you keep in contact just in case things don't work out with the other woman is absolutely crazy. Who does that? I think he's probably got some issues with narcissism or something like that.
Just keep telling yourself that he's a pig (and a cradle robber) and not worth the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. Move on and find someone that truly deserves, loves and appreciates you for the beautiful human being you are (someonbe that shares your faith would be ideal, maybe go to church and see if you can't meet some nice wholesome men there). Don't look back because he's not worth it! Have a good laugh at yourself for being suckered in by this guy, promise yourself that you won't be so gullible next time and thank your lucky stars that it ended now before it could get any more serious and potentially ruin your life.
Best of luck!
I have dated an Albanian (and many other various backgrounds), and it too ended badly... he was not "promised" to another girl as far as I know but he did have a air about him that he could do no wrong and that I the women would be in the wrong if I upset him in anyway. Also have to add he was 25 when I was 19.
To this day, almost 10 years later, he still has been able to "follow" where I have gone. After I broke up with him he made it sound like I was in the wrong for everything that went wrong in our relationship but after many years he wanted me back because "I was the one that got away." WHATEVER, you screwed it up so not my problem. This last time he tried to "friend my on facebook" of course I ignored the request and reply married, off the market, do not contact me again (that was almost two years ago and he has not contacted me since).
Be done with this situation, be done with him and move on... and never give in to their sweet little sayings that he may use to try and get you back. It always made my heart flutter but I know what he really is like after those sweet sayings and they NEVER change.
Your letter reads like you get it, but then you say that you don't. This is one time when you get experience points only. Don't date foreigners whose customs and culture you don't begin to understand. Study up on their culture if you want to try to understand better, but otherwise, sweep it under the rug by dating another guy: Consider someone who is intelligent, is making their way in the world, and is nice. So many nice guys get turned away for the bad boys. Don't make this mistake. Someone who treats you like the best thing that ever happened to him and it is because you can be your best most mature most wise and prudent self -- before you become the most loving self to someone you barely know.
Oh brother, ditch this guy for good! Your gut instinct is right on, you don't need to hear about anyone else in this situation because you already know he's working you and the situation. What nerve! (And do be careful)
Cut ties and RUN FORREST RUN!!
I have a friend who is now living with a Muslim man who just found out that he's "technically" (his word) married to a woman in "his country" and that is the reason why they can't get married. (They just had a child together)
Now her fear is that he'll take the child back to his country if she starts making waves.
Get out before you get anymore involved.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Well 31 posts can't be wrong. Yes, your heart is broken BUT you are single and not married to this guy. Think about it this way, you are an American woman who is independent and can think for herself and not be told what to do. Your heart has told you to run and do so and don't look back. Muslim men can be very demanding that you do what they want you to do and not what you want and will put very severe pressure on you to do what they want at any cost. (I know I dated one many years back.) Listen to your heart and forget him. Make this a learning experience and learn to trust your gut instinct for everything. Good luck to you and your future husband whoever he may be and that he will treat you as a princess that you are. The other S.
PS If he continues to try to contact you and blame you for ending the relationship make a police report so that there is a paper trail if he should to do something else.
Don't have anything more to do with this creep. Anyone that would agree to marry a child almost half his age is despicable. He doesn't sound like someone you should have ANYthing to do with much less continue a friendship or relationship with regardless of what happens with the child he has agreed to marry. That poor girl. You've done the right thing changing your phone numbers. You will meet someone...not to worry!
Honey, you deserve better than this!! Leave him in the dust and go out an find a man who is going to love YOU with all his heart! You don't need another woman in the background; it will only bring you trouble.
I would also look for a man with which you are equally yoked as far as faith. Muslim and Christian does not = a marriage where you can come to God together. Your children will forever be confused.
K. V.
I would cut ties and never look back. Even if you set all of the arranged marriage, grown man marrying a child, he lied by omission stuff aside the guy is still not good news. The fact that he wants you to put your life and happiness on hold so he has a back up plan just in case this other girl does not work out shows that he does not respect you (or the other girl for that matter). It is wrong of him to ask you to wait around and extremely inconsiderate of your feelings. A mature man that truly cares for you would do what he could to help you move on and achieve the things that you want for your own life. If you ask me he is disrespectful and selfish and I'm guessing you don't have time for that.
Keep going! Way more fish in the sea!
*Oh, just saw your post! Kudos to you! I hope you find "the one"!
Why would you make someone a priority when they make you an option?? What a loser, let him go and run far far away from this scum!!
Dearest Christian,
Honestly the best thing for you to do is to move on and find someone worth your time. This guy lied to you to begin with by not telling you the truth about his arrangement. He had this woman "on hold." That was not right for you to not know about his arrangement, and it is not right to the girl. How sad for her that he DID NOT wait for her. What a lair!! She is getting the raw end of the deal, not you. When she gets here she will have a very sorry man that is in it for himself. Of course he said he'd "wait" for her. She wouldn't know better not being from here and in his life to know about you and what he was doing here. You don't need or what someone like that. There are too many good men out there waiting for someone like you. Try not to waste too much time dwelling on something that isn't worth it. Don't set yourself up to be hurt even more by this looser by staying friends. You are right to think he's crazy for even saying such a thing. So yes, I encourage you to not be his friend. Keep all ties cut and move on. It will take some time, bu YOU ARE WORTH IT to someone else and later on down the years, if not sooner, he will realize it and it will be "too bad so sad" for him. :) Who cares what others think. If they are your friends, they will stick by you and listen to your side and know the truth. If they choose him they are not worth your time. There are real Christians out there. People like that are not real friends. Their loss. You will get thru this and come out in the end a stronger woman with an even better man. I promise you!! : )
C.
Dallas, TX
I would run as fast as I could.
congrats on making the right decision. This is never good.....When ever there is red flags, pay attention....
May God direct you to the right one....
He's got you on his hook and is playing you. He knows you still care for him and is using you as a backup. He's going to marry this girl but still wants you just in case??? Be strong for the sake of your happiness and leave this bad situation. Sure the time you had together was great but that time has ended. Chalk it up to a learning experience. You are a good person and deserve someone who will love you and ONLY you. No matter what he says you must do what's in your best interest. He is doing what is in his. Good Luck.
Sounds like you were right to RUN!! High tail it girl, and don't look back!
Forget him, cut all ties and move on. He wants you to be the backup if the young girl doesn't work out? That's ridiculous! Also, he's 31 and she is 17. That's disgusating! You can find someone who loves and wants to be only with you. Keep looking for him. Good luck!
RUN RUN RUN and never look back!
It sounds like the guy is a control freak. He's practically married/promised to another. Don't buy his load of guilt he's putting on you. Find someone else. This guy will string you along and hurt you if you stay in contact with him.
I'm so sorry you were put in this position, but you absolutely made the right decision in walking away. Stay strong, and end all ties and conversations with this person. As painful as it may be right now, it will be best in the long run. Don't try to remain friends, as that will just continue the situation and prevent you from healing and moving on. I feel sorry for the young girl he is "engaged" to, but that is not your concern. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and cut this guy out of your life. And don't worry about his "spin" on the breakup. If you don't have contact with him, you won't be affected by it. Find strength in the truth, and move on. You deserve much better! Good luck ~ you'll be in my prayers!
Onward and upward Luv!
Looking into the distant future, when you have kids you'll want a father that loves and nurtures them so that they grow up to be confident and capable human beings. Look for someone with a kind and healthy personality and you'll end up with a kind husband and a kind father. It seems so simple, but it's an amazingly powerful principle.
Sorry, he shouldn't get to have his little 17yr old AND you as a backup in case it doesn't work out. Side note: this really shows the differences in cultures. I find it interesting that a 15yr old would commit herself to a 29yr old at that young age, but I guess it's accepted in Albania. If you truly love this guy AND think there's a chance his previous arrangement won't work out AND you'll be able to work out all your differences (trust me, there will be many: my FIL is Muslim, my MIL is Catholic, it makes for some VERY interesting family moments) AND you're ok with being his second choice, by all means keep in touch with him. But don't do it because he demands it or makes you feel guilty. Make sure it's what YOU want and be prepared for possible disappointment. If you don't want him in your life anymore, you've already taken the first steps. Cut all ties, and if he persists, treat him like the stalker he is. He IS asking too much of you and YOU are not the bad guy here.
Get on with your life before you are hurt more.
Dear A.:
You need to cut all contact with this guy now! He isn't being fair to you, the 17-year-old girl or himself. He is not free to date anyone, he has a girlfriend, even if he wouldn't put it that way. It doesn't matter if family arranged it or he did, if he truly wanted to date someone else he should have broken off that arrangement.
A man this immature that treats women this badly is NOT someone you want to have a relationship with and definitely do not want to wait for. Move on and find a mature man that is free to enter a relationship with you.
L. F.
Are you crazy? Leave this guy and never look back. This is not a healthy relationship and he has anger issues that will not go away. Let God lead you to a godly man of your own faith anf religion and have common ground to share. In time this will happen-be patient.
Sorry, i'm sure you didn't see this coming, but be strong, you are doing the right thing, and i Know you will find someone great who will put you first and treat you like a queen. This guy doesn't have the right priorities.
a few years ago my mother went through a very similar situation, he was jordanian went home for a visit and came back married to the woman his mother choose for him. He went as far as to ask my mother to be in a plural relationship, something common in his culture. Of course mom said no and broke all ties. It was a long road of recovery but she has since met someone else and is much happier than she was way back then. Hang in there, this too shall pass and you will be better off in the end.
