Seeking Advice Before I Lose It...

D.,
Try telling him you want him to be happy and successful. Ask him what he wants for himself in life.

Tell him if he likes her and thinks she's wonderful, then you want to get to know her and have her be part of your family life too. Then start inviting her over.

Either way he'll either be part of your family.

And if he knows you want the best for him and he begins to see she's not the best for him, maybe he'll dump her.

Hi D..... my point-of-view is a little different than yours because it was my brother who was in a very similar situation as your son. It was a terrible because it tore our family apart; my heart goes out to you because I remember how hard it was for my mother. It can't be easy to watch your son make a huge dent in his life. My brother decided to marry this woman which caused division between my mom and brother for over 7 or 8 years. The more time that went by, the more hate and resentment my mother had for his wife. It changed the woman that she used to be. It seemed to consume her. She missed out on so much and I wish things were handled differently from the beginning. My kids are still very young so I have no idea what I would actually do, but I do know what it does to a mother when she puts a void in her life. It's almost like death. I can't imagine that anything would be worth that. My opinion is that being there for him, getting closer to the situation, and supporting him through the good and the bad, would cause you both to be closer. If this is truly a bad situation, what more can he ask for than to have a mom help him get through the hard times. It's nice to get advice from someone who has the sense and experience to know better. If you turn your back on him, you cannot take back the time you lose. Time is precious. So is your relationship with you son. He is still so young. It's not as though he's throwing his life away. He has so many opportunities to do so much. He might be taking a little detour, but if he has a good head on his shoulders, he'll figure it out later. Especially, when he has a mom who continutes to build him up and help him to realize how wonderful he really is and how much potential he has. My brother is now divorced. Not a surprise at all. He still managed to stay on track and has a wonderful career. Yes, he learned alot along the way, but that's what life is about. It would be nice to have our kids on puppet strings and make all of their choices for them, but that's not very practical.

Hi D.,

The hardest thing in life is to watch your grown children make their own mistakes. You feel helpless and that is a terrible feeling. I am a mother of 2 grown children and worked in the healthcare field for almost 20 yrs. I have watched both my children make major life mistakes, but there was nothing I could do to help or change anything. You cannot change your son's mind, and nothing you say or do will change his situation. However broken your heart maybe, is nothing compared to what it will be if you loose your son completely. I believe one lady told you to embrace your son and his girlfriend and that is the best advice you can get. Distancing yourself from your son is only serving to isolate him more and make him feel he has no place to run, should he decide to leave the terrible woman. So extend that motherly love now and eventually he will return to his senses. I am sure this 33 yr old lush will eventually get old, but your disapproval of her will only make you son more interested. That is the nature of the beast, those children of ours. I hope this helps and I will pray for you and your son. R.

Call him. Apologize. Embrace it!
Honestly... what other choice do you have?
He is artistic and probably VERY intelligent. If she screws up, he will learn a lesson. If not... he will have a great relationship.
He is "of age" and like most people his age, if you say "No" or "don't... or else" it will backfire. It's way more exciting to be involved with her if you make a big deal out of it.
Talk to a doctor who can help you find the right words to say to him to help him see that she isnt' right (without saying it outright)...
I don't know why people put up with drunk and abusive partners... but I think it has to do with being a follower and making excuses/empathizing or having low self esteem.
Find a way to help him build his self esteem.
I am sorry it is so hard...
GOod luck

Hi D.,

I'm very sorry that you have found yourself in this very sad and troubleing situation with your son. Unfortunately as you are probably already aware there really is nothing you can do about your son's current choices. In the eyes of the world, he is a man now and you have to stand back and let him make man decisions and deal with the man consequences. Surround your son with prayer and hope that your son will return to the good sense and teaching I'm sure he was brought up with. As long as he knows your door is always open should he tire of this relationship, you've done just about all you can do. Best wishes.

I am no expert either, as my children are only 2 and 4, and maybe I am being ignorant, but...

I was thinking, as I read your story, that perhaps you could take a different approach- one that may seem to make no sense right now- to helping him. Befriend him. Invite them (yes, both of them) over for dinner or something. Let him basque in your love and light. And remind him of the light that lies within him.

Here are some quotes I wanted to share with you about this:

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I used to love the darkness
But the sun is my new best friend
As soon as I embraced him
He put my misery to an end.
~Abbe Yeux-verdi

I wish you all the best with your son.

Oh D., believe me when I say I feel your pain. We have a 20 year old who is in a very similar situation. His girlfriend is 28 with 2 kids, an 8 year old boy and an 11 year old girl. She too did not really raise them but now, she and my son are talking about having a child together in a year. I know she wants another baby and I guess our son is the one to give it to her. It makes me sick thinking about it because we all know how this will turn out.

Our son was doing ok, graduated from high school, was working and had a nice little nest egg from living at home. He got involved with a girl we lovingly (haha) call "the Devil" and everything went to heck in a handbasket. He left on very bad terms (the police were called) and we didn't know where he was for a while. He did eventually contact us again, and of course now "the Devil" is long gone (Praise the Lord for that), but so is all that money he had saved and he's since been fired from a job we begged him not to take and he lost all the benefits and his seniority at his other job that he had to go back to in order to pay his bills when he got fired. Believe me. We have tried and tried to tell him what would happen each and every time he's made a bad decision and it doesn't matter what me, my husband, his grandmother, aunts, uncles and family friends tell him, he's going to do what he wants and then when it works out exactly like all of us said it would, he acts so surprised and victimized by the outcome. It's so completely frustrating.

All I can say to you is if you want to keep a relationship with your son, you just have to grin and bear it. We don't like the 28 year old girlfriend now and we especially don't like them talking about having a baby with my son being so young, but what can we do? We are here for him and have helped him a few times out of some financial jams he's gotten himself into. We've helped him when he's had car trouble and we have even been so supportive as to let him bring his girlfriend to our annual Thanksgiving/Christmas celebration with my husband's family in Missouri so that everyone could meet her. That was really hard for me. When he tells us about things that are going on, we give him the best advice we can, but to be honest, he has NEVER made the "right" choice even after being given all the relevant warnings.

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. It's just the will of the child and after they reach the age of 18, there's nothing a parent can really do but pray for the best. You always hope things will be different and you'll end up with the perfect child who goes to college and gets a degree and puts their career first and doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs or have promiscuous sex and blah, blah, blah, but I've yet to meet many people who have that kid. I've met a few in our shoes though and they always say the same thing. Just pray for them. Be there for them. You don't have to approve, but you have to accept if you want to keep them in your life.

Good luck to you. I know the pain you're in and I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.

Hi Deanna! I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I will give you my humble opinion and believe me I'm no expert, just want to try and help. :o) At this point it sounds like you have to decide btwn being in a relationship with your son or not. It'll be very hard, but here are your options: be in his life and accept the way things are and be there for him. Tell him he's an adult and he can make his decisions, you don't agree with them, but you'll support him and will always be there for him, no matter what. Or you can not be in his life, tell him he's making a big mistake and hope that if anything ever changes he'll come back to his family. I am kinda going through that now with my son...he's 18, moved to NJ with promises of a job, car, etc. but he's done nothing. Now he's in a pinch...family has promised him things and not gone through with it. My husband and I told him when he left that we loved him, would always be here for him, but felt that he was making a huge mistake, but it's your decision. We are hoping (and praying)that with the freedom, but our love, he'll eventually make the right decisions. It's been very hard for me to keep my mouth shut, but I am trying very hard, because I don't want to lose him forever. I wish you and your son the best of luck...I will keep you all in my prayers!!

T.