Seeking Advice - Los Angeles, CA

Hi G.:

I am a single parent and I opted out of making my son's father pay child support because I did not want to run into similar problems as yours. My son's well-being was worth the financial sacrifice. I have sole custody of my son, simply because my ex was too stingy. However, my son and I are happy together and I am able to deal with things without having to get someone else's opinion or approval. Potty-training, for example, went along quite well, with the help of his day-care provider.

Perhaps you could talk to your ex about the problems your son is having. If he really loves your son, he may agree to an alternative arrangement. If you can do without the child support, let him know he is under no obligation as long as you can have sole custody.

I hope this helps.

N..

Dear G.,

Sometimes courts are short sighted in making decisions for children, they figure, you can always petition come back and change, because it is not their money or suffering.
You need to be the one initiating the long term solution with well supported arguments. I have been trough all this, my daughter was 3 years old when I went trough the same process.
Luckily I had a good attorney who advised me as I just advised you, she was pro bono, so she wasn't making money on me than or later. Sometimes attorneys advise you certain things, not necessarily wrong but certainly self serving.
With that being said, children need stability and routine.
Insist on 50-50 custody, but parenting time should be 80-20% in your favor. Examples: Wednesday night dinner and stay overnight every other weekend. Unless he lives within 5 miles the 50-50 sharing parenting time is not practical, damaging to the child and ridiculous when the father is working full time outside the home. Stand your ground, bring as much supporting evidence as you can, child psychologist testimony, friends and family, child caretakers involve everyone, you will be glad !
Potty training boys are harder than girls, wait until your situation is settled before you push the issue.
Ask your ex if he will be willing to pay for the consequences such as therapists if your son has to deal with anxiety issues or speech delay etc....that can occur.
Ask your attorney to do his/her homework! Look into recent decisions in courts in similar cases, line up a professional to testify in your child's behalf, maybe your son already suffers of anxiety...kids are often afraid, if one parent left they feel insecure thinking what if the other parent leaves too ! They inevitably feel insecure.
Make sure your son doesn't pick up on your anxiety, I know easier said than done! Don't overindulge him just because you feel guilty! That just validates his fear! Act normal and keep consistent discipline and love, at least at your end he will feel that you are in charge so, He your son, doesn't have to fear you leaving!
If all this doesn't make sense please email me in private. This is so important for you and your son, I can't encourage you strong enough to stand your ground and follow your maternal instincts because YOU will have to pay the price later, ex will be on a boat sailing with new girlfriend when you are sitting with the psychologist trying to figure out how to help your son! I am very passionate about this issue!
Good luck and be strong !

It's hard for me to imagine why people are surprised that these types of shared custody schedules are hard on children. Would YOU like to change houses every 2-3 days for the next 18 years? Children, especially small children, need the security and stability that a consistant schedule provides. This is clearly not working for your child. Contact your lawyer TODAY and get a date to go back into court to have the custody schedule issue revisited. Don't wait. Do it today. Good luck.

G.,
I would definitely look for/ fight for a steady schedule for him. Some kids adapt, some don't. My son is 8 1/2, we split 5 years ago, and he still has a hard time with the uncertainty.
Your son may not be clingy to your ex-mine isn't-he has a great relationship with his dad but it simply isn't a warm and fuzzy mommy/son relationship where he needs to be clingy. So your ex may claim that if he doesn't see it, it isn't happening.
35 miles is quite a distance but is there a daycare or babysitter that is somewhere in the middle that you could both take him to so at least he has consistency there?

Talk to his doctor or a counselor and get an opinion of a professional on your side-that will make headway with the judge and get you the best chance of a more stable schedule.

At very least find a preschool that is 5 days a week so he has to be there most days-he can see his dad at night and on weekends. If his dad wants him overnight weekdays then he is responsible for getting him to school and picking him up. If his motivation is really his son then he'll make the effort and a steady schedule is better for your son. If not, then atleast he has a steady schedule and no more upheaval.

I hope the best for you,
Stangely all this may actually strengthen his bond to you and he'll get through ok, eventually.
S.

G. - Before I give my opinion, I just want you to know that it is only an opinion. I went through all this stuff before and I know how all-consuming this is in life. What helped me in my divorce/custoday situation was I had amazing people who were very frank with me in giving opinions. It worked for me and now I like to return the favors. So please know that my opinions stated below are not to be taken as an attack on anyone, it is my honest opnion given based on personal experience and professional experience as I worked in the family law area for over 10 years. With that said, the following is my opinion:

My opinion is that at 2 1/2, a 2-2-3 shared schedule is consistent and its a "schedule". It just doesn't work for you, but you will adjust to the schedule as will your son. 35 miles is quite a distance for the drive and I am surprised that the Court granted this, but your son is not in school yet and I'm sure that the Court does not intend for this to be the life schedule, it's just for now. Your baby's dad has the right to be with his son, just because he works, doesn't make him unfit to participate in your son's life. I raised 2 girls and worked and their dad worked. My kids had to go to daycare while we worked (even when we were married). So do lots of kids! My youngest was 2 and my oldest was 4 1/2 when their dad and I got divorced, now they are 22 and 19 and doing well. Kids need both parents and in a lot of families today both parents need to work. 5:30 is not late to be getting home from work/daycare. In fact, considering he lives 35 miles away, it's pretty darn early! I have friends who have babies under 2 and they don't get home from getting their children until 6:00. You make the schedule around life, not life around a schedule.

What I do think you should do is either ask the Court to make this Order temporary until your son reaches kindergarten age at which time your ex-husband would need to alter the visitation schedule and perhaps pick your son up from school a couple of days during the week and return him to you by 6:30 p.m. so you have time to spend with him and get him ready for school the next day, or you could give it a year or so to see if you and your son do adjust to this schedule and then, go to Court again and request a change in visitation. In the end, when your son is ready for "school" one of you will have full time during the week. Maybe your ex will want to move closer so your son can still enjoy his life with both parents actively participating in it, which is "totally normal", but your son will only go to one school. The Court would not send your son to 2 different schools. That will not happen. Pre-school/daycare maybe but actual school, no. I don't think the State would allow this to happen.

This is all only my opinion, you can heed my advice, or ignore it. But you do need to think of your son first. I feel from the writing in your request this is more about you not wantng this than it is about a 2 1/2 year old, not wanting it, just my opinion.

Best of luck to you and your son.

It's been a while since I went thru this, my daughter is now 18 but at first her dad was a few minutes away and we did a back and forth pretty much even split. She was 4 amd it drove her nuts. She said if she belonged both places she didn't know where she really belonged and what was "home". She started trying to hide from him and he would find her and carry her out screaming and short of a huge fight trying to grab her out of his arms there is not much you can do. Broke my heart. Then she figured out if she held onto me, he couldn't pull her out of my arms.

We went back to mediation and I took one day away and we grouped the days together better so he had her every other weekend and every Monday night. It did help that she could talk to the mediator herself.

This schedule worked much better even when we ended up 45 minutes away from each other. It was only when he moved a couple hours away that he quit coming. First he couldn't do the Mondays, then every other weekend got missed.

I think it's great to have an involved father, they do need that, but a child has to feel comfortable and there are studies out there that say a 50/50 is not the best.

Talk to your lawyer, go to mediation and remember if something is not working you can always go back and modify it. But it really needs to be in the best interest of the child.

Best of luck and be sure to let us know what happens.

G. you are right! My hubby's deal with his x was half and half and the kids were really stressed. Kids need to feel they have a home. My hubby's kids said they felt homeless with 2 nice houses to stay at. If you think the potty training is bad wait till you have homework and book reports. Think about it this way. If you and his dad were still in the same house one of you would be the primary parent who makes sure he is doing well at school and the other parent is the support parent. It doesn't mean one is more involved it just means there is only one point man to make sure everything is getting done. Two people can't keep up with everything. Talk to your son about how he feels. Many divorced families don't talk to their kids for fear of rocking the boat. What your son says MATTERS! Good luck to you.

It's a tough situation you are in. Try and remove yourself from the feelings and emotions, of the divorce etc.. and then
Go back to court and fight for what you think is right.
But make sure that your writing is facts only for the court to take it seriously. A trick I learned from my divorce lawyer is to write things in various fonts, make points that you need to stick in a font slightly larger. Explain how the situation is not in the best interest of your son, that he is not in an environment conducive to learning, or loving and that his father is at work, not spending the time with him. Request full custody, then back down to weekends. I hate to suggest this but if there are any signs of neglect while with the Dad make that point really well known.Also make the point about day care. At worst, you will end up having to pick a day care 1/2 way between the two of you.

hope this helps

My heart goes out to you as well...I agree with so many of the responses you have gotten this far...Please, Please don't wait another minute to try and get the scheduled changed for your child...any judge that agreed to this must not have their own children to relate this situation to...Get as much documentation as you can about the affects this can have on your child (go online and start looking as soon as you have a free minute) take that information to start to the courts or your present attorney. IF the father is willing to go to counseling do that as well as soon as possible, if he does not agree to it I guess you really know who as the child's best interest at heart....Take care and God Bless

I am amazed how this arrangement was awarded in the 1st place. In any case, your concerns are valid, and the best interest is in the child. You are right, having to adjust to two schools is quite overwhelming and uncertainties to properly manage his developements appropriately.

Perhaps, you should get an advice from your pediatrician to suggest a child psychologist that could give you better advice as to what would best. You could also speak to the preschools that he would attend and get their views. They should have their developmental specialist on their views.

This way you could have more collaborative views in being prepared to take your reccomendations to court for best solutions for your child.

Get yourself a very aggressive attorney!!!! Your son should not have to endure that kind of a schedule.

G.,

Yes, you need to have this changed and it might take some time. Make an appt. with a children's counselor (this should be covered by insurance and father is accountable for half of copay.) start this to build a relationship for your son when then change needs to be made. It is good to have appts. on a day that he comes back from dad's and appts. after he has been with you a couple days. My friends and children's counselor would recognize the different in their behavior when they came from their dad's. The court should have a mediator but you probably need to have a court date before you can set up an appt. Take advantage as this is a free service. Start court appt. now. March 09 is very soon when dealing with courts. If finances are an issue see if there is a financial aid type lawyers. I can't remember what it would be called. check with the court and they should be able to tell you. My ex and I were able to have a 50/50 joint custody for many years because me were a mile apart. After I remarried we moved only about 8 miles down the road. Hang in there and remember that you are your son's advocate.

Evelyn

The court won't allow him to go to 2 schools. For a 50/50 to work, you have to live in the same town. I don't know what court you go to, but I would go back sooner than next year. Request an appointment with a mediator. You need to talk it out with the dad and it sounds like that won't happen without a neutral 3rd party. They are usually pretty keen and can see right through the bull. They have seen it all. The one thing I would suggest, is if you do see a mediator, just stick to the point and stay unemotional. Don't start making digs at your ex and blaming him and making accusations. They tend to frown on that. You have to remain cool and undefensive, even if your ex starts making digs at you. (I don't know if that happens, but I do know divorce and child custody is an emtional issue and people do tend to get nasty). Just remain calm and state your case. Good luck!!

Dear G.,

Yes, this is a mess. It shouldn't be done to a child by some people who don't really remember how it is to be a young child. Go to the library and SKIM through books about helping children bond with parents, develop a sense of well being, and gain confidence, make copies of the pertinent information, and use that to bolster your argument about having custody of your child. He can go to Dad's house on week ends or for a month in the summer time. Or for holidays.

Yes, on the preschool idea. That should be seen as very seriously important to the Judge. See if you can take a child development professional person with you to court, or have that person examine your child and write a letter if that is what the court will accept. It is best to try to get an attorney to help you plan this . The more information you have, and the clearer it is presented and the more serious and dignified you are in court will make a great impression, and maybe the Judge will place a lot of weight on your information.

I really do not understand why people put their own selfish pride before a child's good growing environment.

Go on line, start now. Look in the telephone book for a "Law Store" . We have one in a city nearby and my husband and I have used it two times - it costs less and you get very good advice and usually they also have court appropriate forms. Go for it.
Sincerely, C. N.

You're right, this is damaging to your son, clearly from his behavior when with you. If his dad really wants 50% custody then he will take it however he can get it. I would find a good family court lawyer and explain what is going on, see if you could get a psychological exam on your son, and have that psychologist testify on behalf of your son and what is best for a two year old's well being. Children need stability, especially in the first 3-5 years of life. If this doesn't change soon, you are probably in for some really tough years ahead as far as behavior from your son. Too bad his dad doesn't actually care about his son, just himself. :( Good luck!

My heart goes out to you, as your arrangement is my worst nightmare right now...

I am in the middle of a custody battle with son's father, and we go to mediation soon. My main concern in this is my son's current routine and his ability to adapt to any changes without damage to him.

My son is a brilliant and wonderfully sweet and loving little guy and I would hate to see his father's demands injure his current progress. We're starting potty training and moving to a big boy bed, since we're co-sleepers and I truly believe that kids do things at their own pace and placing unrealistic expectations on them can be damaging to their learning curve.

If you truly feel that your son's current routine is not in his best interest, I would recommend seeking the advice of an attorney and filing for an ammendment to the current schedule. But, you will need good reasons to back up your concerns. I would advise you to start a journal of any interactions or conversations with your ex-, as well as how your son acts once he returns from his Dad's house. My son is usually very tired, hungry and frustrated for a good two hours, and he has a tough time staying awake for bedtime routine, and often eats and falls asleep around 6:30pm...way early for my little dude.

What I learned in the parenting class we had to take before mediation is that my son does deserve time with his father, but our lives are supposed to revolve around his needs and not the other way around.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to stand up for your child's needs if they aren't being met...the court is not their to 'make things work' but, they can only help if you ask for it...

take him to court, make sure you have documentation of all this stuff. also, consider allowing the child support to be lessened. the boy is more important than the money. it may be a struggle, but at least he'll be with you.

I was in a similar position 10 years ago (my son is now 12). My son was about the same age as your son when we were going through the divorce and I wanted to keep consistency in his life. My attorney fought for full physical custody (my son's dad would have him every other weekend but could also visit him whenever he wanted). However I agreed to joint legal custody (shared legal decisions). I also requested "right of first refusal" which meant that if his dad wasn't able to watch him, he would offer me the the chance to have him and not just leave him with a babysitter or other relative and I also agreed to do the same for him if I could not watch my son. This arrangement helped to keep my son well adjusted and happy. He had consistency in his life but also was able to see his father as much as possible. My son is well adjusted and does very well in school. Good luck and hope everything works out for you and your son.

I have a friend actually having an opposite situation like yours. Her recently ex-husband lost his job for a while so of course no child support. She end up takes care both their kids, a 2 &1/2 boys and a 6 months old girl. She get full custody, just verbal agreement between them, no court order yet, and she is going thru child support court to try to get his child support, meaning will force him to get a job asap. BTW, he only visit and pick up his son once a week, and he prefer it that way. Anyway, she said, having child support would be big help, but she's really happy to keep her kids staying at one place. She's struggling w/ money right now, but she said as long as she's not shopping for herself and forget the retirement saving for a while, she's okay. She said, raising her kids by herself is really tough and stressful, but that's the best for her kids and if court order requesting to split 50/50 so that he doesn't have to pay child support, she rather keep it this way and not getting any money from him. Well, this is her way of thinking, it maybe what you might want to consider too. Money is matter, but can you see some way out and not getting his child support so that you can get full custody and only allow visitation from him? Just a suggestion.....

I think you should invest in some time with a child psychologist or Marriage & Family Therapist (just the name - not trying to tell you to get back w/ ex) -- anyway find someone who can go to court w/ you or provide affidavit to state that your 2.5 yr old is too young for a crazy schedule like that and that it interferes w/ his education. Get a professional that will state how important preschool is for development, etc. Try to get the change asap -- don't wait til march -- school is nearly over by then. You might even want to consider working out a financial arrangement (like he pays you what he now pays sitter) w/ husband so you can have your son. A family I know has the arrangement that mom has kids every weekday and dad has them 3 weekends a month plus he gets them for a few hrs on Wed. night. Good luck w/ this.

G.,

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice for you except this... stay strong and fight for what you think is right for your child! You are correct in thinking that the inconsistancy will make things harder for your son. So keep your head up and fight for what you believe is right. Good luck!

A.

right out the schedule to the last detail. time each thing. car ride. child's attitude. Explain the problem to the smallest detail. Take that to your attorney explaining they must find a better way. If they so no then find an new attorney. Your fighting for your childs welfare. Be glad your child is not talking becuase my six your old loves to tell me what daddy says and it is never good. Good Luck

G.-
This is important! Make sure that any changes you want made in custody are done before the divorce is finalized!!! It is almost impossible and very expensive to convince a judge to change what is in the divorce decree. I have been there, and I know many mothers who have struggled with this. Even if it extends the date of finalization, don't let it finalize until everything is as you want it or you will never get it later. Carefully decide what is best for your child and fight for it. Your child deserves it.
Good luck,
A.

I am amazed the court okayed this schedule for such a young son.
Waive your child support from dad with the written and documented agreement that you get full custody in exchange.
Document all the above problems and symptoms of your son with this horrible schedule and take to court to get this modified BEFORE THE DIVORCE IS FINALIZED.

Dear G.,

This situation sucks. I really feel for your little guy. I really think you should go back to court and adjust this schedule. Do you ever listen to Handel on the Law? Its on AM 640 Saturday mornings. You can call in and he gives great advice. Here's a link.
http://2005.kfi640.com/pages/Bill_Handel.html?feed=121334...

N.

Get yourself a good family law attorney, this is NOT in your son's best interest which should be the primary interest of the judge. Document everything and go back to court with your attorney, sooner rather than later (don't try to do this yourself...as you are finding out, it is MUCH harder to undue agreements than to make them). You have a terrible schedule for your son...it will wreck havoc on him now and later!!

I feel for you and your son.It is hard on the kids when there is no schedule. Is the only issue his work hours does he spend the rest of the time with his son? If so your son has both parents dad has to work but has evening and weekends with his dad like many children have to do when parents work married or not. It is a shame if he is only doing it to not pay child support (let's hope not) but if that is true you don't get child support know and don't see your son 1/2 the time maybe you should give up child support so dad won't want him 50/50 for the well being of your child if he really is in a bad situation. When it comes to school time I am sure the judge will pick who he feels is the better parent so make sure you know plenty of people that will write to the judge on your behalf. Best of luck

From one G. to another G.: Do you have an attorney? I would think the court would want your son to be in a stable environment and that means attending one preschool. I think you better get an OSC date set asap to deal with the school issue. I am only a legal secretary but my first husband and I separated when my son was only 8 months also (he's now almost 16 and I am remarried with a 21-month old daughter). We went to court several times regarding custody issues. You have to take affirmative action on the issues that are bothering you.

G.,

Ugh... I too went through a divorce (with 3 kids) with a dad that was far more interested in NOT paying support, rather then actually seeing his kids. I wish I could say that the fight will be easy. It won't. But iti will be WORTH it! Although it is soo very much more difficult to do then to say, you will have to remove your anger/frustration about your ex before you can proceed. That type of schedule is hard on anyone, especially a child who feels no control over his life, in a time when the whole goal in life is to be teaching them just that. The best thing to do at this point is to request a new mediation. Go to the appointment ready, make lists of specific events and times.
In the mean time, as hard as it is (and I know exactly how hard it is) you need to let your son know that this is the way things are. DO NOT give any hint that you are not happy about the situation, DO NOT let him know you are trying to change things. This will only reinforce his fears and unease. Kids thrive on consistency, in livf and especially from their parents. Let him know that this is "just the way things are". He will honestly be more at ease if he can feel that you are supportive. He doesn't need to know that you are fighting to change things, just that you love him, and that his dad does too. THAT is what a child really needs, with that knowledge he can actually survive and thrive it all!

The courts will not allow a child to go to 2 different schools and rarely do they allow for a school mid way between to homes (how can they have stability, friends, go to parties...)

You are a good mom for caring. Support the CHILD regardless of you feelings about the situation. He will be better off for it.

Hi G.,
I also don't have any advice for you but I really, really do feel for you. I wouldn't want my son in this sort of situation. Children need stability and consistency in their lives. Find a good lawyer if money allows, and if not just keep fighting until you get what you want for your child. I really do hope the best for you and your little one.

This is a mess. Your little one is suffering and it isn't his fault. This may sound harsh, but you had best try and reconcile with your ex husband. Try to find back what brought you together and forget the rest. What else is there? To go on hurting your little one is cruel.
I believe in divorce, but you are giving a good story against it.
Good luck and if this isn't possible, get a very good lawyer and go for full time custody and meet a nice stepfather for your little one ASAP.
Good luck,
B.
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