Scared After Baby's Death

I know of a book, although I haven't personally read it, that is specifically about SIDS. It's called SIDS: A Parents Guide to Understanding and Preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It's by William Sears. Maybe it would help to have the information.

I also know people who lost children to SIDS, as well as to other causes. The first thing we all need to remember is that we are all just as much in God's hands as the day we were born. It is helpful to have friends who can remind us that life is not temporary, but eternal, and that this short little journey we have on this planet represents only one chapter in a never ending story. However tragic it is to lose children, I cannot imagine going through it if I had not been in the habit of daily prayer and meditation. If you don't experience the Divine on a regular basis, you lose touch with that all-powerful Reality. But, when you are in touch, a simple phrase like, "God's gotcha and He isn't gonna drop ya," can keep you stable. If someone is not in touch with the Divine, that phrase can sound like an empty platitude. We tend to forget, especially when our children are so young and helpless, that they belong to God and we are just helping out. Faith is always my first antidote for fear. The second is knowledge.

Worry is cronic fear. Fear is the sensation of wanting to protect something we cherish. Cronic fear is the feeling that we are helpless to protect what we cherish. So, faith in the Constant Protector and in the divine wisdom that moves some of us into the next realm sooner than others is just practical. God is always on duty and is caring for that sweet child with an extraordinary affection. He will heal the parent's hearts if they can bring themselves to allow it. Of this I have no doubt whatsoever. But that doesn't mean we cannot be better parents with better knowledge. Dad's have very strong protective instincts and are terrified when they cannot see or understand their enemy. Feeling helpless and ignorant is just unacceptable to loving father.

SIDS is not the scientific mystery it used to be. Most SIDS occurs in infants who suffer from sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a breathing disorder. It is far more common in infants in countries that vaccinate children before the age of 2. The doctor who first discovered the relationship between SIDS and sleep apnea helped create the electronic monitor that alarms the parents if the child stops breathing. A simple touch will restore the baby's normal breathing pattern. If a baby with sleep apnea sleeps with one or both parents, the parents breathing patterns tend to keep the baby breathing. SIDS almost never occurs in infants who sleep with one or both parents.

The doctor who made this discovery, Dr. Vera Scheibner, was troubled by the results of her research because she found that sleep apnea in her study group (infants 0 to 12 months) was far more common in the more developed countries. So, she conducted another study into the causes of sleep apnea in infants. She discovered that the stressful breathing patterns developed the day the child received its first vaccine.

This is not the sort of information about SIDS you are likely to receive from your pediatritian. But, the only way I know of to stop feeling helpless is to get the information that truly empowers you to protect the most precious thing you will ever have. Search for good information and give your husband helpful reading. But also suggest that he hold that child in his arms and pray. Our children are not strengthened by our worry, but by our faith. I cannot imagine how didfficult it would have been to raise a family without the knowledge that God was doing it and I was blessed to have a role to play in His plan.

I hope this is helpful to you and your husband. You are blessed to have a husband with such compassion. My heart goes out to you all.

Jenn,
I have personally known two families who lost babies to SIDS. I was very close to them and it caused me to morn for the children too. When my daughter was born I didn't sleep much for the first two years. I was constantly checking on her. One thing my husband did was buy an Angle Care monitor. It detects if a baby stops breathing. You might want to have your husband look into it. It will make him feel better. I can relate to your husband.
Good luck.
C.

Jenn,

I want to share with you because my husband and I lost our youngest son to SIDS almost 7 months ago. First, I want to tell you that the first thing you should both do is become educated about the risk factors of SIDS. I say risk factors and not prevention, because like you said it is not preventable. There are a few great websites and organizations out there that will help: First Candle Alliance and SIDS Resources Inc (for Missouri). Second, tell your family and child care providers exactly what you know and want for the care of your infant based on your research about SIDS. (Actually-demand a few things like sleep position and environment). Next, know that most infants die between 2-4 months old to SIDS, almost 70% (if I have my numbers still straight) Since your daughter is 4 months take a deep breath, say a prayer and relax (but just a little). Finally, my last piece of advise is for you to spend as much time with your kids as you can. Take tons of pictures, especially ones of mom and dad with the baby. Use a video camera if you have one to record her. But most of all treasure her as much as you can. Everyday I think about all of the times I let my son cry while I emptied the dishwasher or folded laundry. Or even the times I got mad because he woke up in the middle of the night to eat and I just wanted to sleep. I know my husband is mad at himself for working overtime to make more money instead of being home with the family. Those little things are what are a big deal now, when on the other side of the fence wishing I had to get up or hear him cry. Good luck to you and your husband. If you feel comfortable enough to do this, you can contact me personally and I would be willing to talk with your friend. I know it helps to talk to others who have been through the same situation.

Wow...I can only imagine how he must feel...I know just reading your post makes me wonder, "What would I DO if ANYTHING happened to my daughter"? I think only time will really help him heal and calm down a bit. In the meantime, I'd agree...spend some time together reading some of the latest info re: SIDS...and the implement it..."Back to sleep", "binky" if she likes it at bedtime, sleepsack in place of blanket, etc. and maybe even putting a fan in the room. After he realizes he's done all he can do to prevent it, and some time goes by...he'll likely calm down. "Panic" like this won't respond to "rational" means...he's terrified he'll lose his little girl and has had a "reality check". Silver lining? He'll likely be more involved with the little sweetie from here on out!

Its normal to be scared for the fact his co-workers baby and your baby are close in age, but to not want to go to work and stay home every minute of the day with her is crazy he cant worry about the what if's he will drive himself crazy, he needs to live life like he was before his coworkers baby passed. Its a sad thing to have happen to any baby but you cant think it will happen to his daughter. Does your daughter suck on a binky, if so its a good thing they say its a good way to lessen the chance of a baby dying from sids, because it lifts their face from the mattress. Is your baby turning from her back to her tummy if not then he has nothing to worry about.

I don't know if it will help much. But, let me share you our story. Our baby has apnea. Not just sleep apnea, but everyday and every night apnea. He corrects himself, and is on monitors when asleep, and has been for 3 mos now. They haven't been overlly concerned about him dying of SIDS, even though they have tried to find out why. When he had this extremely bad illness recently (when the apnea is worse), that he still corrected himself, and his body did what it needed to do. Babies are very resilient. He has had this apnea going on for much longer before we got the monitors.

All this to say is that it may do good to take your husband and the baby to have a well check. Have the dr okay her health, and maybe your husband will feel better. If sick babies can wake up every morning without forgetting to breathe, all the much better for your well one. Men can be logical, so that may help to use logic with him. True SIDS is quite rare (and may not happen at all) for babies that are breastfed, not vaccinated and sleep with mom. So, if any of those pluses is on your side, you may mention that.

Jenn,

I know this isn't really what you're looking for and I bet other "older" moms and grandmothers would agree, the fear never leaves! You get through the pregnancy and childbirth risks, past the SIDS and childhood diseases then you have to worry everytime they drive. And even at 46 years old my mom was worried about me a few weeks ago when I drove from KC to Memphis for a conference. So I think a certain level of fear is very normal.

BUT, maybe suggest your husband talk to a minister or even a grief counselor to help him work through his feelings may help. If it was a co-worker who lost the child check and see if they may set up like a crisis counseling like they do in schools when something happens. I bet your husband isn't the only one going through some of this.

Good Luck and in good health,

Lori K

My heart goes out to your husband, and you, too. We are so vulnerable when it comes to our babies. It's instinctive - has kept the human race going - but sometimes the instinct is so strong it gets out of hand. I'd like to second those who have suggested your husband talk with a minister or family counsellor. Perhaps this has touched on an old loss of his, and he needs support and a time to remember the loss and grieve it. Good luck and God bless.

You've gotten great advice and stories. My advice would be to 2nd the people who advise to learn more about SIDS.

My other advice is to see if your husbands work or your insurance has any kind of benefits to help him work through this. My co offers a benefit called Lifeworks that can help with all of life's issues, from moving tips to finanical advice to health and mental issues.

Best of luck to you. There are so many joys and (unfortunately) pains that go with life. Its not possible to prevent any and all bad things from happening to those you love. I hope your husband gets over this soon, cause living in such constant fear is not living!

As a mom of 2 kids and 1 on the way I feel the same way about protecting my kids.I don't sleep much during the first 6 months really and truly I wake up constantly checking on them and alot of times I will have them sleep with me since i'm not a sound sleeper but if they were to pass away from cosleeping I would lose my mind.Help your husband talk to him my husdand doesn't worry about things like the uncontrolable issues in life and I hate it.DO all the recommendations to protect your baby remove the bumper on the crib it is needless and a suffocation trap no blankets use a sleepblanket that zips up you may think baby is cold but they self regulate their own body temp.if to hot they go into a deeper sleep.I don't work i'm a sahm so if I have to leave my babies I always remind them to hold my baby while sleeping or lay them on their back and don't let them slepp any longer than 10-15 min without checking on them.

Good Morning Jenn, There is no sure fire way to control ones fear. They have to work through it. I was sort a like your hubby when our boys were born. 34 yrs ago...lol WOW. At that time SIDS was in the news pretty much all the time. I was so scared. We kept him in our room in his bassinet for quite a while. We didn't have monitors then either, so when we moved him to his room, I was up several times a night laying my hand on his back or chest listening.
He was a tummy sleeper also, which now they say is Wrong!
During the day it was easier not to be so afraid.
I did the same when our youngest came along 27 months later.
I also wouldn't let my hubby get a VAS, until the baby was 2 yrs old. Well past the SIDS age at that time.

All this said is just to reassure you it will pass, it may take him quite a while to work through his fear of loss a precious child. All you can really do is continue to reassure him there is nothing he can Physically do to stop things from happening. Let him know that if he wants to be there when she gets old enough to play and dance with her, he needs to take care of himself also. Eat, sleep, work have a normal routine. Cuddle and Coo with her in the evenings and place her in God's hands daily.

I used to recite the 23 Psalm to get to sleep every night. It really helped. I still do it when things get tough for our boys & their families, as I have a tendency to want to fix it. LOL Can't and won't, so the Lord takes over and I sleep better.

God Bless you Jenn, continue to encourage.
Might share this will hubby too.
F false E evidence A appearing R real.
K. Nana of 5

Jenn, I think considering the circumstances thatwhat he feels right now is understandable. To help alleviate some of his fears why not take extra percautions? It can't hurt, right? They have a product ( a friend of mine purchased hers at Toys R Us ) it goes under the baby's mattress and it detects if there is no movement ( sensitive to breathing ) now, I never used this myself and I know my friend warned me it was horrible when she forgot to turn it off when she got the baby out of the crib after her nap = ) But I just thought maybe it was something that would ease some of his concerns. Good luck I wish I had more advice for you.
B.

Hi, Jenn,
I read the replies -- looks like you've got some great advice. I can relate a little to your husband's fear. I had this irrational fear that my great-nephew would die of SIDS. I kept having this fear, so I prayed for him every day and whenever the Lord brought him to mind. I am living in Shanghai now (3rd year of 3) and while he was sleeping, I was awake and available to pray, so I felt that was a bonus.

I will be praying for your husband, your daughter and you. My little nephew is almost 2 now. God bless you richly!
P.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. While I didn't read all the responses, I did see the Angel Care monitor mentioned. A NICU nurse/friend purchased one of these for my oldest when she was born. It gave me such peace of mind knowing that there was something that might alert me if she were to stop breathing. I was going to reply about this and am happy to see that others have mentioned this monitor, also. I know it is expensive, but it is worth it. If expense is an issue, check ebay or craigslist. The Angel Care monitor works by sounding an alarm (that can later be turned off if you no longer need it) if it does not detect movement after 10 seconds (movement meaning a breath from a baby). It was tested several times with us and alarmed each time. We even put a heavier weight (a doll) in the crib and the alarm rang b/c of no breath detected. Just a thought. Beyond that, he will most likely calm down with time, as this is still pretty fresh for him. Talk with him and try to convince your husband to talk with you. Good luck!

S.

I don't really have a solution, but I can understand how your husband feels. My husband had cancer last summer, and he is fine now, but I have had a hard time dealing with becoming overly worrisome since then. Being understanding and reassuring would be great for him.

I also heard recently, and I don't have any facts to back this up, that a newborn baby's lungs are only about the size of your thumbnail, and SIDS is often due to them suffocating in a room that is too warm or dry or that doesn't have good circulation. They say that the dry winter air from the furnace causes this to happen more often in the winter months. They suggest keeping the room cool, and maybe use a humidifier once in a while. Just a suggestion, but I don't know the actual facts behind it.

Jenn,

Besides putting your baby on her back to sleep the most recent research shows that having air circulating in her room also helps prevent SIDS. Have your husband install a ceiling fan in her room. It might make him feel like he is doing something constructive.

J. N.

Hello! I can somewhat relate to your fear. My son was 8 days old when he developed a life threatening case of RSV. Our ped said had he not been in the hospital when he was, he would not have survived the night. He has long term affects from his lengthy hospitalization and lung damage (from the RSV) and I have become the most paranoid parent as a result. Anyway, what helps me sleep at night is that we bought my son an "Angel Care" monitor. It has a sensor that goes under the mattress and if it doesn't detect any movement (including breathing) for 15 seconds, it alarms. Yes, there are "false" alarms, such as when my son scoots a little to close to the side or is in a really deep sleep, but I take the false alarms over the fear of walking in one morning and finding him blue or worse. You can find them at Babies R Us and range from about $90 to $140, depending on how many receivers and features you want. I highly recommend. I read a lot of reviews before I purchased and the majority were positive. There were some negatives, but they were mostly in regards to the "false alarms". Honestly, we've had a few "false" alarms in the 8+ months that we've used it, but again, I'd rather have a false alarm than no alarm at all!! Good luck!

Wow. That is terrible. My son is 2 months and it freaks me out when I hear about it. This probably just hit too close to home for your husband. Honestly, let him freak out because I would too. Im just that type of person, and I just have to go with it. When I feel like that, there is nothing anyone else can do. Well maybe a shrink and some medication (which Iv never tried) but I have to overcome it myself, and I do. Let him check on her. And maybe he did realise he needs to pay attention to her more now. Maybe your husband is also greiving too and just needs some time. Im sure the mood in his office is not good right now and he wants to be with his family. That has to be a very hard thing to be involved in. I think he will be ok but he just needs to do this right now. Good luck! Take Care!

as one of those paranoid first time moms, i can totally relate to your husbands overreaction. if someone i knew had a baby that died of sids i would be a wreck. i'm not sure there's much you can do except try to be patient with him. the funeral will be the low point for him...give him some time after that to get past it a bit and then if he still hasn't let go at all, maybe talk to him about seeing a pastor or grief counselor. unfortunately that's about all you can do. it's not rational, but if it helps, look at the odds. since you two know someone that has sids what are the odds that anyone else you know, much less your own family, will have the same thing happen? it's a small bit of flimsy hope but sometimes you have to cling to that. i hope that he feels better soon. my heart goes out to all of you, not to mention that poor family.

See if he'd be willing to go to counceling. This tragedy has affected him tremendously and he needs to talk to a professional about it or this little baby of yours will be under his watchful eye the rest of her life. I mean over over-protectedness. Good luck and God Bless.

I don't think there is anything you can do other then talk to him. I know some men don't want to talk about what they are thinking so you can talk about yours. This is just to remind him that you are on the same side with similar fears. He will eventually work through it

Your husband is going to need some time to get over this. It is not going to happen overnight. He needs reassurance about being a good dad.

I recommend getting a device called the Angel Sensor. It's made by Bebe Sounds, and I've used it with both of my babies. It is a sensor pad that you place under your baby's mattress and connect it to the monitor that comes with it. The sensor detects movement as subtle as breathing and an alarm goes off if it doesn't detect movement for 15 seconds. It has saved me much worry and sleepless nights because I know I'll be alerted if my baby stops breathing. It sounds too good to be true, but it really does work. I used it until my oldest started moving to the corners of the crib during the night (the sensor covers most of the mattress area, but not as much toward the edges), and by then, the SIDS risk was pretty much zero anyway. I'm now using it in my 7 week old's bassinet. Both of my sisters and several friends also used one with their babies. Here's a link to one...http://www.showeryourbaby.com/ancamose.html. I'm sure you can find them cheaper if you google it online. Good luck!