My husband is a SAH dad. He's been home for almost 6 years and since September our youngest is now in school and after-school care. DS volunteers in the classroom on Mondays (8-2:30), but otherwise has the house to himself from 8-5:30 every work day.
I have never, not one time, said "I make the money, so I get to decide how we spend it." I don't think that way. We're a partnership and he's working too as far as I'm concerned.
But for about the last 6 months he's been changing the house and saying "I'm the one who is here, I get to decide." Or getting mad at me because I don't let him have free range with stuff, even if it's mine and it's boxed out of the way.
He wants to cut down a tree that he has to rake the leaves for, and because I think it's beautiful and said please don't, I got hit with how I'm not the one taking care of it so I shouldn't get to decide. (The raking is always done when I get home; he never asked for my help. How am I supposed to know it's bothering him? [We don't have the $$ to hire a gardener, and won't until he goes back to work.])
I work. I would LOVE to have time in the house alone. I would LOVE to spend more time with our boys. We didn't have that option. I made much more than he when it was time to choose so I had to continue working. So I don't have TIME to do a lot of the things that are bothering him, because I'm not THERE. But that doesn't mean I want him to just throw away or cut down things that I like.
I don't think he's being fair. What do you SAH Mom's think? Or working Moms? Do I just get to bring home a paycheck then shut up about my home? I'm very frustrated. Thanks in advance for your advice.
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Just some follow-up: the boys are in after-school care provided by the local park; it's free. We couldn't afford it otherwise. (I work for the state and have had furloughs.)
We're trying to get him back to school, so that when he does go back to work he can make enough money to be worth it, so he needs time available. But getting classes while the state is cutting a billion dollars to education in an already impacted major is very difficult. This is the first time in a year he actually got something major related. To be clear, we WANT him in school; I totally support him being in classes. He's just having trouble finding classes open in an impacted major.
I'd LOVE it if he want back to work , anyplace, while he's working on his degree, which will take a very long time at one class each semester.
I did rake the leaves the first weekend. Got up early to get it done. The next weekend I was supposed to be doing something for our son and raking got postponed, and I got blamed for not doing it. (I don't get to spend a lot of time with the boys, so I don't feel guilty.) I still think that the time to tell me he needed help raking the leaves was BEFORE he tells me he's cutting the tree down... :)
I have been a SAHM for over 5 years. I do EVERYTHING associated with the household--from taking care of the kids and the home, stretching the money to keep all the creditors happy, to taking care of the yard and shoveling the walks. Not once have I made a decision about anything that would affect the household in anyway without consulting my husband first. It needs to be a 50/50 partnership.
I don't mean this sarcastically, but honestly, I don't understand why the kids are in afterschool care, if Dad is at home? I'd send the kids home after school, and then maybe he'll be busier, and have less nit-picky things to deal with.
HE is really not being fair to you I agree. Yeah-he is the one 'here' during the day but you both LIVE there for goodness sakes!!! I am a SAHM and I would never feel that way. It just makes no sense-its both of our house.
If income is treated as a partnership, household decisions should be too.
So interesting how men think they're in charge at work or at home equally...
My husband is also a SAHD and he used to do this "I'm the one who's here, so I get to decide" thing too. Worst thing was - HE had decided he would stay home & I'd keep working without me! So he shut me out of THAT decision and then used it as an excuse to shut me out of all the others.
I'll be honest, I didn't deal with it calmly. I was furious. I always made the point I made above. Eventually I told him, okay, you go back to work & I'll stay home. Now that we have THREE kids, he's on board with that (!) and is looking.
If you want to switch, you could TRY that. This is not okay.
Very frustrating, I'm sure!
I work PT and my husband works FT++ but he is still very involved in the stuff in the house. He HAS cut trees down without asking (his ideal yard, I think, is pavement!). He has also thrown away things of mine without asking. I was pi$$ed! Stuff with sentimental value. Soooooo...I started evening things out:
Ooops! Where ARE those two favorite stained sweatshirts of yours?
Whooooops...ARE there less socks in your sock drawerSSS than there were yesterday? (Who needs two sock drawers??!!)
I'm pretty sure he got the point. :)
Ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot = you stayed home and started to get rid of things without consulting him first. Or just to get your point across next time he pulls the "I'm home all day..." say something like "well I'm the one making the money so I get to make all the decisions on how it is spent".
Maybe if your son wasn't in after school care your husband wouldn't have so much time on his hands. Maybe he's bored at home all day alone?
Curious why your son is in after school care when your husband is home... Do you think maybe he's getting bored? My friend's husband stayed home for several years - I guess 6 now - and in the past year has gotten very depressed. I just wonder if your husband's getting a bit down and this is his way of acting out. I think you have every right to protest certain changes in the home - tell him if he wants to pull the card that he's home, you'll pull the card that he wouldn't have the home if you didn't pay for it. Maybe get out the 2 of you and see if you can discuss what's going on calmly. SAHM's have trouble sometimes - I think it can be worse for SAHD's.
I'm sure that with some creative thinking you two can find a solution to the tree problem that will make both of you happy. But before you do, try putting his shoe on your foot for a moment: Imagine you are the sah parent and your husband wants you to keep up something you could care less about just because he likes it - it could be anything - a tree, a pool, a dog, a .... Said item involves you having to put a lot of work into doing a chore you despise. Would you think it's entirely fair? I'm just saying you should consider his perspective.
Regardless of who is working the home should always be a joint effort I just recently went back to work after having our 3rd child. ( I took 5 months off) You are right in that your hubby should ask before trees are cut down. Raking isn't all year anyway and if the tree brings your happiness...
When is he going back to work??? LOL! Regardless of who is at home or working outside the home teamwork doesn't stop no matter what. Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion. However, in the grand scheme of things both of you need to look at the big picture and figure out on a scale from 1-10...10 being the most important and rank these different issues. Not everything can be a 10 and both of you should have some latitude to make solo decisions.
Personally, as a SAHM, I think he's taking a horrible attitude toward this. Is it possible he's just getting frustrated with the whole school thing making the chores he doesn't like all the more frustrating for him? My husband is our primary bread winner but he has never said that since he makes the money he gets to decide how to spend it and I as the homemaker would never make a unilateral decision about something as big as tree without talking to him first. Granted, I do usually let him have the final say about almost all of our large purchases but that's not because it's "his money" it's because it's usually something that he cares more about or knows more about than I do. He does most of the real cooking (for me it's spaghetti and Hamburger Helper, I never learned to cook properly) so I let him decide on what gadgets he wants and where they'll go but on the same token, I'm in charge of our family scheduling, photos, medical issues... (I joke that in our "corporation", I'm the Secretary of Health and Education and he's the Head of Homeland Security) and so I make most of those decisions. But in each case, while there is one of us making a final decision, we have talked about and gotten the opinion of the other. I'm looking at replacing my digital camera right now and while it's the money from my part time job that will be paying for it and I'll be the one using it, I still ask his opinions when I find a new model to look and what he thinks of the reviews.
Your boys are a lot more important than what day or time the leaves get raked or any other household chore gets done. The time that theey will want you to do stuff with them is limited. Then they'll be doing anything they can to get away and you and DH will have all day every weekend to rake leaves :)
HTH. Best of luck.
well, now you DO know that the raking is getting to him... so, do you guys have money available for a lawn maintenance company? how old are your kids, if the youngest is in school, maybe the kids could do that as a chore once a week? i think you both have a reasonable position here, and it seems that, in general, you respect one another, so i'm sure you guys can work something out! i am the SAH parent in our house, so i do make the majority of the in-house decisions, but i would certainly not do something my spouse was dead set against.
I think everything should be decided as a couple. No matter what. I've been the one to stay home (for a year after my now 7yr old was born) and I never made decisions without her dad (now ex).
My hubby and I work together. We still make decisions together. If we could afford it, he said he'd want to be the one to stay home. I'd be plenty fine with that, but I know for certain that he'd never make a decision without involving me.
Sounds to me like his individuality and sense of usefulness are both hurting. If he's alone in the house from 8-5:30 every work day, he needs more responsibility. He needs to feel more like he's needed, rather than just a house potato making little contribution to the family as a whole. I was a SAHM for 11 years, so I get how (I assume) he's feeling. Why are the kids going to after-school care if he's home for them?
I see you're in Fullerton. A good place for him to apply for work he might ease into and have fun with is Disneyland. He should apply now, before Spring Break. It may not provide a huge paycheck, but it can ease him back into the working world, improve his sense of usefulness, bring in a few extra bucks, and keep his mind busy and away from changing the things that you love in your home and yard.
Can you get the KIDS to rake the leaves?
If you need money for school, have him apply for FAFSA.
Let him cut the tree down. Your relationship with him is important; nothing so mundane should cause this much turmoil. He definitely should be in school or working if your kids are older and in school. He has time to rake the leaves, he just doesn't want to; so he should go to work or school.
I think Amy J hit it on the head. Men feel a strong need to be in charge. if he was working and you were home he would feel he could make the decisions because he is the one making the money. These disagreements could be misplaced anger because he's unhappy with his life and have nothing to do with the tree or your stuff. Help him get out of the house and start going to school or work. I dont understand, you cant afford for him to take even one class? I KNOW there are loans out there for education, if you wait until his education will be free he will never get an education and you guys will continue these arguments
I think that to a large extent, he probably should have some leeway when it comes to the house. But that doesn't mean that he should not be consulting with you and discussing how you (as a team) would like things to be.
I happen to love rearranging the furniture in our living spaces. I have ALWAYS been this way. I rearrange our living room, on average, about 3 times per year. And doing this, means that I also partially rearrange the formal living room as well (some pieces get swapped back and forth). I don't usually consult my husband before I move stuff around and get his "approval". But I do USUALLY (not every single time - sometimes I just get this overwhelming urge to make the space 'new' TODAY, lol), at least tell him I am thinking about it, and what I generally am considering doing. If he has any big protests about moving the TV 'there' instead of where it is, he will say so. Otherwise, I proceed however I want. He does not have strong opinions about the arrangement of our furniture though. If he did, I would definitely sit down with him and discuss it in more details in advance. If he was adamant that he did NOT want this particular chair against that particular wall, then I would figure out something else.
So you guys need to sit down and figure out a compromise regarding the tree. Now that you know it is an annoyance to him, can you rake under it on the weekends? Or hire the teenager next door to come do it?
As far as him boxing up your things, I would NEVER do that. It is extremely annoying, though, b/c my husband has CD's and books piled ALL OVER. I never know if he is getting rid of this little pile here, or just rearranging them on the shelves, or hasn't put them back away from something. If your hubby wants to box up some of your "stuff" he should at least talk to you about it and give you an opportunity to sort through it or figure out a different storage system for it.
If you didn't have to pay for after school care you could afford to have the yard raked during autum. How many times a year do the leaves have to be raked, and why don't you just tell him that you will do it on your days off.
Your husband is clearly frustrated with his situation that he probably feels he can do anything about. He's rearranging the house because he can control that. It's lonely to be home alone with thoughts! Those thoughts nag, eventually he'll lash out at you because you are "safe" without realizing the damage it is causing on your relationship.
That tree represents his ultimate frustrations, if it's gone it will be replaced with something else since his true frustration is with the direction of his life. He's so unhappy; not having a paycheck and the right courses all contribute to that.
Is he still doing his hobbies and sports? He needs to do things daily that make it worthwhile to live through the drudgery of everyday responsibilities. Perhaps on of those hobbies could lead to a part-time job that could lift his spirits. Instead of the after-school care, maybe once or twice a week he can get the boys and introduce them to something he enjoyed as a boy like lego-building, sports, or woodwork.
Can the raking become a family thing? We have four huge trees that I used to want gone because I hated walking through the leaves until one day we raked it, then jumped in the huge piles, rolled around; then cleaned it all up. Over autumn, our kids wanted to do this every weekend! We still have the trees!
Good luck to you and your family!
Uh oh - I do the exact same thing your hubby is doing! lol, I change stuff, throw stuff, build stuff all the time without asking him, and he gets pissed off with me.
I should ask him - he should ask you, but the reason I don't ask him is because he always says "no" or he wants to do it his way and help, which means it will take 6 years to do, so I usually just barrell on ahead with things.
