RULES At Home!!

I have had many people (friends, pediatricians, teachers) highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. It's supposed to be for children ages 2-12. I have not read it yet, but browsed through it and it actually talks about limiting the explanation, just being brief and to the point so you don't lose them. And just being really consistent and always following through. Might be worth reading.

The best rules are the ones that many "misdemeanors" can be rolled up into. Try not to make more than 3 main rules, like:
*Be respectful to others. (Can include animals.)
*Be respectful to things. (house, walls, car, etc.)
*Be safe. (no standing on chairs, climbing, etc.)
*Use self-control. (reminding him that he is in charge of HIS body and thoughts)

You need HIM to come up with the rules by listing them out (you write them on a board or poster board while he says them). Then the two of you come up with the actual rules in short sentences (like above). Have him make the poster with the rules written (and have him list what it means or have him draw pictures of each one under it).

Ownership of the rules makes them easier to uphold. (Ex. I work with a group of kids that have had a leader that didn't follow the rules of the room and it was CHAOS. They brought me in to change things. We asked the kids what the rules of the room were. We listed them on the board. Two days later, one of the girls asked the volunteer in the room why I was changing all the rules. The volunteer said, "She's using the rules you all gave her on Tuesday." The girl replied, "Oh. It just seems different." She never said a word about it again. And, when the kids started their crazy behavior, I just have to remind them that THEY gave ME the rules of the room.)

Come up with procedures for doing things that are a chore for you to deal with. Kids with ADHD/ADD need simple procedures that are done over and over again. "When you come in, you take your shoes off at the door, hang up your coat, and put your hat/gloves in the pockets." "When you get ready for bed, do X, Y, and then Z."

Model the correct behavior by actually showing him how to do it. Walk in, take off your shoes, put them where they go, hang up your coat, put your gloves/mittens in the pockets. Then have him practice it.

If you have a visual kiddo, take a picture of him doing each step and put the pictures in order on a wall near where he needs to do it.

An ADHD/ADD brain cannot organize things the way others' can. You must make their environment very organized and regimented to help them focus on what they are doing. Everything needs a home and it needs to be put there. Every activity needs a procedure or routine. An ADHD/ADD person gets lost in the middle of an activity and it seems very overwhelming to live among a lot of chaos. They want order, they just don't know HOW to do it.

The first thing to do is to take note of yourself. Are you setting the bar too high? Sometimes we expect more from our kids than we would even expect of ourselves.
Next make rules with him. Discuss why he thinks certain rules are important and why you think other ones are. Whittle them down to no more than 5.
Consequences are really dependent more on the situation than the behavior. If your 8 year old will not clean up, he cannot move on to the next activity (dinner, movie, family game time...). If video games keep him from homework, video games are closed until his work is finished.
Be proactive by keeping him busy. While you make dinner, have him set the table.
Stop fighting, state what you would like to see and why and leave it at that, "I would like you to take your plate to the sink because it helps me finish the dishes faster. You cannot go and play until the dish is in the sink. I was clear and I am finished with the discussion."

Be calm, be clear, be consistent,
B. Davis
www.childandfamilycoaching.com

I found some useful guidelines in The ADHD Parents Workbook. There are a lot of good suggestions in the comments here. The biggest struggle I have is NOT letting it turn into a power struggle. Sometimes, what's most important is a consequence (you didn't make your bed, therefore you didn't earn your allowance portion for that day; you didn't do your homework, therefore you can't play with your friend next door); but sometimes what's important is recognizing that my son is in meltdown mode and consequences are nowhere near as important as bringing him out of that spiral. We have a lot of systems in place (chart at home; chart at school; a few clear, consistent goals; rewards are screen time/allowance; etc.) and there's no question that the infrastructure helps. But now I'm working on keeping my energy calm when he's at his most agitated. It's incredibly difficult, because like all children everywhere he really knows how to push his mother's buttons; but the more I resist the power struggle, the better things get. You're right - you don't have to explain yourself - but sometimes, explanations help. Sometimes they don't. Lots of times, I don't explain while we're in conflict, but I take a moment later, when he's calm, and say "remember when I said X? Well, this is why that was important." I find he can take in the information in a meaningful way without arguing about it.

I also second the idea of cleaning out his room. We're lucky because we have a basement, and we're trying to keep most of his toys down there. They tend to creep back up, but what we want to do is limit the distractions in his room so that he can truly decompress.

My son has a behavior book at school. It's broken down into half hour increments with 2 behaviors to focus on. His are "following directions the 1st time" and "working quietly" He always had to be told multiple times to do something and when he does, he distracts the ther kids and plays, giggle, loses focus. He get s a smiley or frown for every 30 minutes. At the end of the day they are tallied. If he has all smileys he gets to have one on one time with teacher. Gets to help inthe classroom, etc. It's been working beautifully. She also has a traffic light sign inthe class room for eachkid. If they have to be told once, they go to yellow, if bad behavior continues, they go to red and lose privelages, but they can earn thier way back to yellow and to green. It seems to help having that visual and she makes the kid move thier own light, so they really get it.

Teacher stores have great charts for this kind of thing. or online if you don't have a store in your area. Never can go wrong with the classroom idea of a pouch with a red yellow and green card. Once he gets to the red, it is giving something up in his room for a day.
Also look up love and logic disapline....seems like a great idea too. It comes in a book or maybe resources online too. Our school started this this year...... it is going great in the classroom....... ( i am not a teacher, just observer )

Have you tried diet changes? We've had great success w/the Feingold program (www.feingold.org)

My food blog and our journey to wellness through diet changes:
www.chickiepea.wordpress.com

-M.

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. It's so simple, clear, and consistent, it's much easier to navigate for difficult kids than systems with varying consequences and logic and rewards for things that should be expected, etc. You're totally right, you shouldn't have to explain yourself or enable him to fight you and talk back. He'll thank you later if you don't allow him to develop a personality like that. Stand by your fair, clear directions, and enforce concisely and effectively when necessary and your son will be much happier. At his age, respect is a HUGE and important lesson, and he's beyond the toddler geared stuff. He's a young man, and I think you will like the book.

Find a reward for good behavior or doing something right the first time, chocolate milk worked for us or a long time.

Clean out his room, no more toys, extraneous in there, this helped my son immensely, he liked the serenity after we cleaned out everything. He had one bucket of legos, in his closet, and a bookshelf with only books.

Get into a routine, afer school he has his down time, then start homework, dinner, extracurricular , bath, bed

Homework on a timer, 15 minutes on 5 minutes off, although, this never worked for us, one he got started I did not stop the work in progress. All the professionals I dealt with told me to do this.

Taekwondo, gymnastics, swimming, fencing, individual sports, team sports were a recipe for disaster for us.

Chores are a must do and even if it takes all day, but break them down into manageable units.
Bring me all the clothes Now pick all the legos, etc
You will have to sit in the room with him while he does it. THere are times i still get distracted in the kitchen and end up making brownies after washing the pan.

Make him redo chores that are done sloppily

Because I'm the MOM that's why. or Because I said so, or You're best friend's name is Tommy, not Mommy.

Turn off the tv, no tv until the weekend, my son didn't have any tv until he was 17. We didn't get cable.

And there is hope. My son is ADHD. He was such a mess. But in Navy bootcamp he wrote us a letter and thanked us for being his parents, not his friend and teaching him to clean toilets and iron his shirts.

Ok, one thing that has worked well for our ADHD kid is having a mini trampoline. It is more of a preventer, when I see him getting frustrated, or other "triggers" that bad behaivor is about to come out (due to his lack of impulse control) I request he go jump 10 times on his trampoline - as he gets older I will say more but for now he is 5. Sometimes he has to go back up and do it again right afterwards but it typically gets some of the hyper out and I find that it's more of the hyper that causes the issues than the lack of attention. We also have "step" activities, his chores and such are broken down into steps so, cleaning his room - instead of saying "Son, did you clean up your room?" we say, "Son are your books picked up?" he will probably say yes instantly so I ask him to double check. Typically he comes down a few min later and his books are now put away... then I ask him "What about all of your toys are they in the toy box?" (simmilar response as books) "Oh good, is your bed made and all your bed animals on it?" then, "Are all your video games and controllers put away correctly" finally, "Is anything on the floor in your room?" When I break down his tasks there is less "explaining and fighting back" in my house. Now, I also think that clearly stated rules are important and the punishment should fit the crime.
Talking Back - 20 jumps and an apology to the person
Attitude or a "Fit" - 30 min time out on video games/cartoons and an over all 5 min time out to "calm down" it takes him longer to calm down very often and his 30 min time out on games/cartoons does not start until he is calm.
Room clean before school/bed - again - video games/cartoons are taken away for the day (he is reminded and the steps are done)
There is more, but it's time to get dressed for afternoon class!

I HAVE read 1-2-3- Magic, and used it. It is a fantastic tool. I highly recommend you give it a read. Copies are cheap on Amazon.

My SIL has an ADHD son about that same age... I recommended she give it a read and see what the ideas in the book did for her about a year or so ago. She did, and said she liked it and would implement it along with/in conjunction with some of what they were already doing per specialist intervention suggestions. Not sure if she still uses it much at this point, but I would at least read through it (It only will take you a day or two, tops). The crucial mistake that most parents make is exactly what you said you are "tired of" doing: explaining yourself. Don't. There's not really a need to explain yourself all the time. When a new and dangerous scenario presents itself, then yes, at some point you will want to and should explain why it's dangerous and what can happen, etc. But for everyday repetitive issues, there is NO NEED to EVER "explain" why your child should comply with your instructions.
Good luck.