Rude Three Year Old Boy

The next time this happens refuse to let him have the gift until he says thank you. No pool until he says he is sorry. And no friends over until a thank you for coming comes out of his mouth.

I think you have a normal three year old boy who, like every one else his age needs some training. So he didn't thank the neighbor for the gift? Then he gives the gift back. That's an easy one. He'll learn his lesson pretty fast.

As far as a late evening thank you to a guest, I'd ask and if he doens't do it, I'd let it go. Sure it is polite to say thank you, but I'm betting he was tired by the time it as all over. No child is on their best behavior after bed time. Other parents understand and they're not going to snicker behind your back about it. I think that insisting anyone hug or kiss another person is out of line. A simple thank you suffices. If he wants to hug and kiss, that's great, but no one should have to.

The pushing in the water thing, he was clearly embarrassed. I would have had him sit in time-out and explain why what he did was dangerous and wrong. Once he's had a chance to step back and let the emotions ebb, he'd probably be more willing to say sorry.

I find that with my 3 yo boy, he does know right from wrong (as evidenced by the "Don't tell grandma I wouldn't share with sissy, OK?" I don't know why he thinks I would cover for him or announce his mistakes to the world, but he knows when he is wrong.) but his ego is so huge that it is hard to own up. So we have to have very concrete consequences, then we state them and give him a choice of behaviors. He can say thank you and keep the book or he can stay quiet and give it back. It's working ... but the underlying moral stuff seems absent so far. We're wondering how to instill that stuff. It is so natural in his sister.

Kids. Go figure.

Good luck.

Your intentions are the best. And your son is just being honest. Three-year-olds don't understand etiquette in the same way older children do. Of course you want him to learn the proper forms, but at this age, that's all they will usually be, empty forms. Though he probably gets the general idea now, he'll need to see thankfulness and regret/apology modeled heartfully and repeatedly for the next year or so before these become very meaningful to him.

So, is it a good idea to force the issue when kids are reluctant to say the "right" thing in social situations? I have puzzled through this often, and I really don't think so. It's a form of dishonesty we teach when we do that. The message is something like "Say this thing you don't sincerely feel right now and we'll let you off the hook." Of course the evening became tense – imagine yourself being put into such an awkward situation and held in the spotlight while you sweated through complex feelings of embarrassment, resentment and possibly shame. None of those are actually conducive to the feelings you'd like to foster in him.

That's very different than modeling gratefulness yourself to the gift giver, "Thank you, Dottie, for the wonderful evening. We so enjoyed the delicious meal, and the good time playing games. I'll bet Junior will be remembering this for days!" Or modeling to the wet boy, "Frankie, are you all right? I'm so sorry you got pushed into the water. What a scary surprise for you!"

Kids are not a special class of persons who need to be shaped up all the time. It's true that they don't yet have our sense of decorum or the formalities of good society. But they do have spontaneity and honesty, a well-developed need for respect and consideration, and a not-always satisfied hunger for fairness.

Consider chatting later in the week about what a great time you had at Dottie's house, or how scared Frankie looked in the pool. Leave plenty of room for contributions from your son, but please don't force a response. If he feels free to do so, especially after having heard your wonderful modeling of a good response, he may feel like offering the gift of a thank you or apology note.

He is so normal!! I have a 6 year old but I remember. He would not say good-bye to anyone when they were leaving after a fun play date or night....I found out because they don't want the fun to end so "maybe if I just didn't say good-bye they will stay" Perfectly logical! Now he takes them to the door and is a perfect host. No forcing it just came from watching us.

The pool thing is just excitement and embarrassment. He needs to know what is not safe or what is not ok to do to another friend. Obviously, you are well mannered so he will learn from you, modeling is the best teacher. I always immediately went to the child that might have gotten hurt or hurt feelings and said to his/her face "Are you ok?" and showed lot's of empathy. However, I would not deal with my child until I knew the other was ok first. After a few times of seeing that he copied me...no worries.

No judgement but I never make my child hug anyone ...ever! He naturally hugs when he feels safe (oh and not pressured). This keeps him in charge of his body and allows him to know "touching boundaries" are ok (not to say anyone around him would cross those boundaries). However, thank you's are required as are thank you notes to the best of his ability.

Playful Parenting and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" are two of my fave and constant parenting books. They both directly deal with the exact issues you talked about (that's how common they are).

Good luck to you and your sweet boy!!

At this age, the best way to teach appropriate behavior is to model it. Yes, this takes a lot longer but in the end you have far better results. You want your son to say thank you or to apologize, etc. because that is what he feels is the right thing to do, not because it is some automatic response. At the pool, you say to the child that got pushed "I am sorry that Johnny pushed you in the water by accident. I bet that startled you. Are you ok?" When he gets a present and doesn't say thank you, you say thank you for him in front of him. "Thank you Mrs. Jones for the wonderful present. We are looking forward to playing with it this afternoon." I then would follow up with a thank you note written by you but (if possible) signed by your son or with a picture or something drawn by him. My son is now 5 and 90% of the time he will say please and thank you on his own. I don't worry about the other 10%, it will come. Or, if you think about it, do adults say please and thank you 100% of the time? No. So how could you expect a 3 year old to do so?

Even though your son is 3, do not buy he is too young to know manners. My youngest is 2 1/2 and for about a year now, he has been using his manners. It has never been a question so that is what he knows! You can't let him be rude and excuse it with "he's too young to know" because then when you think he IS old enough, he's going to be looking at you like "You want me to say/do WHAT??"

I never demanded my 18 month old be full of manners, but they were things I always repeated so it became what all three of the children knew. I have to say that when it comes to manners, that is one thing my 2 1/2, 7, and 9 1/2 year olds are not lacking and I firmly believe it comes from always making it part of our communication.

We say thank you to them for things and we have them say it to us. They say it to people in the store, wherever. My 2 1/2 year old now has been saying Thank You, You're Welcome, and Excuse Me for quite a while now.

I am sorry but there is no way my son at 3 even would have gotten away with not using his manners. At the pool, I would have gotten eye level with him and told him if he did not apologize to the other kid, we were not going back to the pool until he did and if he refused, we would have left. If he asked when we were going back, I would have told him after we visited so and so and you apologized for scaring him. Pushing a non-swimming child in a pool is serious!! Not only could the kid have gotten hurt but that no doubtedly just cause trauma to the kid which may affect him at the pool in the future now!

As for the gifts the neighbor brought, I would have taken the gift away. In fact, I would have had HIM give it back to the lady. If he cannot say Thank You for it, he cannot have it.

The one poster was exactly right. Your son is ruling your husband and you. This is not about him "just being 3". If you do not get this under control now, you are going to have a 5, 8, 10, 16 year old child telling YOU "let's go" and refusing to do what you tell him. This is NOT something he will just outgrow. He is learning from these scenarios and what he is learning is that he does not have to do what you say, he does not have to be polite, and he can tell you when it's time to go. I highly suggest nipping this behavior now before you find yourself with a worse situation.

Updated

Good for your son!!! Loved your update!! Now here's the thing...did you make a HUGE deal out of those things he said? If not, I'd make sure you do. It isn't too late. Praise is a huge motivator for kids. I would spend more time on that than any of the negative. That's why with the negative, you deal with it that moment, quickly and concisely. The praise...I'd give THAT out like Halloween candy. ;)

I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable for a 3 year old. My son just turned 2 in May and he will say thank you if you give him something, even if it's just a cup of water. We taught him please and thank you in sign language before he could talk, so he was in the habit of doing it long before he was old enough to speak. If he hurts his sister (or anyone else) even accidentally, then he has to say sorry. If he doesn't, he goes to timeout and he doesn't come out until he says it. They are not too young to learn and it is our responsibility as parents to instill these qualitites in them. Keep doing what you're doing. Have consequences for inappropriate behavior and be consistent.

If it were me, and my son would not thank someone for a gift they just gave, then that gift would go on a shelf (where it was still visible) until they said it. You might have to get creative on ways to get through to your son since all kids are different and are motivated in different ways, but the bottom line is that you have to be consistent. Set expectations and consequences and then follow through, every time. He can and will learn. Good luck! It is a frustrating age at times, but that's why parenting is the hardest job on earth....we're raising the next generation!!

Sounds like you have a strong willed child, but there are things you can do to curb this behavior. Please tell me you pulled your soon aside and explained that wheat he did was mean and dangerous to the other child he pushed in then left the pool immediately when the pool incident happened? If not that needed to be done to set an example that this is not something that you tolerate.Thanking the friend for coming to dinner is a hard one though, at his age he likely doesnt understand the importance of proper social etiqutte but I would not allow rude behavior though. Was the boy given a time out when the guest was over prior to be sent to his room? Finally, no thanking the neighbor for her gift means not being allowed to open the gift at my house. I would sit down and try to explain the thank you concept with your son and tell him that if doesnt thank people for nice thing they do they will not do nice things any more for him. I would also tell him that as a belated thanks it would be nice for him to make a pretty card for the neighbor friend then you and he can deliver it. Allso I would go to your local library or bookstore to get some books on manners. I know there are a lot out there, I recall a Beranstein (sp?) Bears book on manners. Start reading these books to him regularly until this passes. Just a thought, has your soon attended preschool yet? If not 2 days a week might be good for him to get used to learn skills of socializing with others and to be in a more structured environment, kindergarten is not that far off.

I hate to say it but it sounds normal to me, my son just turned 3 and I feel as if my sweet boy has behaved monsterously lately. His newest BAD habit is telling me no. I think having quiet talks about expectations can help the problems you are describing, but beyond that I feel like I am in your same boat, luckily for me my two best friends are well versed with the typical behavior of a 3 year old boy, so we all kind of cringe and sympathize with each other, hang in there, this to shall pass.