I need some advice from someone objective and in a similar situation. I have a 2 year old of course beautiful boy. I left his father about a week ago, it was a mutual agreement, a year in the making just waited for the money to leave. A little about us: we were never married and on and off for 12 years. I left him and found out 2 weeks later I was pregnant. Came back to try to work things out after baby was born, trying to live the traditional family life. In the end it didn't work obvoiusly. For the last year I've been sleeping on the couch, so leaving was a mutual agreement but nonetheless he's still sour. He was previously married/divorced to a straight up @#$ who took him for everythign he had. He has two grown boys from that marriage and I was with him shortly after they divorced so I saw the whole thing thru. I think I realize now why they divorced although he says different that it was all her of course. After you have children with a man your eyes open wide and mine did. Since my son was born he's been a father of convenience, a playtoy for my son as opposed to a "dad". That's my feeling. So I recently left and we are trying to minimize the stress so my son does nto pick up too much on it. My son is of course confused. So in a nut shell we move out to a new house, my mother moves in with her dog (we never had animals) and daddy is no longer there. He asks for daddy and cries for mommy when he's with him. And now he's sick and I assume it's the stress among other things, so he's that much more irritable. Not sure how to help my son adjust to the bouncing between the two homes and daddy not picking him up from daycare anymore or as often. I'm a first time mother and have always been around children my whole life and am very good with them but I don't know how to help my own. I myself come from a broken home and several marriages between my parents and my sons fathers parents are still married for more than 50 years. I would like to avoid the court system saw how ugly it can be and stressful for the children and all involved but want to play fair in more ways than one, financially and emotionally. I'm confused myself and at a loss. Don't know how to help my son adjust and when he hurts I hurt more. I need some advice. Need help in getting thru this difficult time with my son and opinions about scheduling.
J., it sounds as if you may need to get some support. I know that counselors can be expensive -- have you tried any church programs? If you are in Cape Coral, there is an excellent program on Friday nights that you may want to try. (And there is childcare. :-) Its link is http://www.egracechurch.com/celebrate/default.asp.
Good luck through this difficult time,
J.
I can read the stress in your letter- which is understandable, but is probably communicating itself to your son. I think he is handling it. It will be hard and you'll have to navigate a lot of emotions. The best advice I can give is this:
Don't talk negatively about the dad in front of your son. You probably don't, but even if your son is in the same room and you think he's playing, mind your words and facial expressions. He's watching and listening because you're his world.
Be glad for mom- she'll be a lot of help and although it's hard for 2 women to live in the same house sometimes, it can be wonderful for your son- most of the time ;).
Cut yourself some slack. You love your son and you're doing the best you can. Realize you can do this- no matter what anybody else does or doesn't do. Take any help you can get and don't forget to play.
You are going to be the main influence regarding how your son feels about himself and about others.
Good luck and blessings to you.
I have no experience with this but hate for you to be left "hanging" with no advice. See cafemom.com and check out this group:
http://www.cafemom.com/group/15675/
It's described as:
Mom's GOING through a divorce who need support
1698
membersAbout Mom's GOING through a divorce who need support
This group is for any and all women who are going through or facing divorce at any stage, whether you're just contemplating it, talking about it with someone, separated, or trapped - whatever. I want this to be a place where we can all feel at home, get advice, GIVE advice, share experiences, and hopefully make the process a lot less painful for yourself and other women. I will post my experiences too, and I hope you will as well, and hopefully we can all become stronger and more empowered together!
Group Owner: legalhelpmom
Send a Message
You can always find this group with the following URL:
http://www.cafemom.com/group/divorcing
Getting seperated is never easy for a child. My advice to you is three fold.
1. Always try to be positive about dad and the situation no matter where your son is. As long as you focus on the positive you will be able to say the best things around your son.
2. Do not be affraid to get help. Counseling, Legal help, Mommy time out. As mother's we often get caught up in the super mom, I can do anything and half to do everything and we do not!
3. Make sure he is fair. If you have your son more than 50% of he time, he should be offering you financial help. Medical expenses, day care expenses, school as he gets older. Be fair as well. He should be allowed to keep him over night, weekends and mid week. He should be allowed to pick him up from school and feed him dinner. As long as the 2 of you communicate and are patient with each other, you should not need court. Revert back to #2 Do not be affraid to get help if you need it. FL is very serious about Father's paying for there children. They will garnish his wages, take his driver's license, whatever is necessary.
Good Luck and try very hard to be postive.
Sounds like another dead beat Dad. I wouldn't tell my son when Daddy is coming. That way he won't be hurt when he doesn't show up but will have a happy surprise when he does. That is if you are ok with him getting him when he wants. I went through a divorce when my girls were little. After a few weeks they quit asking about Daddy when he didn't show up. If you don't go through the court then you are putting yourself in a bad position. You and you son could end up losing in the end. Good Luck!
