Recent Meltdowns in My 4 Yr Old

Don't you wish you could go back to the "terrible twos" now after age three two doesn't seem so bad, I have 3 kids and right around this age they start to gain their own identity seperate from you its normal even though you don't feel that way now, just stay consistent in whichever method of discipline you choose and refuse to get her anything for screaming tell her you have to ask nicely or you will not get it. This may be hard at first but do it every single time, once you give in they know that if they put up a big enough fight you will cave, believe me I'm still working on my 8 year old, she was fine for a while and just recently she has started doing this again. (could have something to do with her three year old brother....) Also I did notice that one of the other Moms mentioned diet, my friends daughter has melt downs and fits like that if she eats chocolate, they didn't put 2 and 2 together until she found info on the web about it and observed her behavior when she had choc. Even choc ice cream sprinkles can do this to her. Just something to think about, good luck stay strong:)

Our three year old starting doing this at 2 1/2. It's horrible. One piece of advice I got here seemed to do the trick though. We used to put her in time out - in a corner or in a chair in another room. However, it didn't seem to work. We'd leave her in time out for 2 minutes, the tantrum would continue and she'd go back in. We could do this for 30 minutes. The whole time we were interacting with her (and this I think was the key). The advice I got was to send her to a room where she couldn't hear us, see us, or hear anything else going on. We chose her bedroom. At first she would cry harder. By the fourth time - she would stop crying half way up the stairs. Now, over 6 months later, all we have to do is say "Trisana, if that behavior doesn't stop you will have to go to your room until it does" - and it stops. She knows if we send her to her room (or carry her as the case sometimes was) that she won't have our attention, or her sisters. The game is over at that point. Now, the final key for us was to also explain, after she had calmed down, that the behavior was unacceptable. We weren't going to tolerate and we didn't want to see it. If she wanted, or needed, to behave that way she needed to go where we wouldn't see or hear it. Because she's a huge cuddler and wants to always be where the people are, she's learned that the behavior does't fly. Hope it helps!!

I try to watch for clues with my daughter. When she started with fits her I sat down and I asked her how she wanted me to handle them, she asked me to ask her three times to calm down and if that wasn't working to pick her up and give her a big kiss and tell her that I love her so she knows, and then remind her that yelling and crying isn't the best way to get my attention. It works for us, I am doing exactly what she asked and she remembers that.

Good Morning, J.,

This will be difficult for you to read, but I feel I must say this.

Your daughter may have been molested while visiting her cousins. Either by the older cousin (assuming the older cousin is a boy) or the uncle OR a neighborhood friend or adult.

When your daughter is not having one of her reactionary meltdowns, very calmly start asking her about the visit. Perhaps taking her for a walk in the park, a little shopping trip. Anything to get her to talk to you.

This will be difficult, but you need to do this immediately. She needs to know that you love her very much and will do anything to protect her.

If in fact she was molested, the molester may have threatened her. Perhaps telling her he would hurt her more or you and your husband if she told anyone

You are in my prayers!
M.

It sounds to me like she's just feeling frusterated and angry that she's not yet a "bigger kid" My almost 4 goes ballistic when he can't do something the older kids do. He wants so bad to be big. Same thing with my newly 5 right now too. She feels like she's made progress I think toward being a "bigger kid" but when she doesn't get a privelage she thinks she should have there's generally a tantrum. Time outs to bedrooms are a good idea - or (agains expert advice- because theirs rarely works) we have time out rules for all that go like this. Time outs start at 5 minutes (long enough for them to calm down AND think about what they did to end up in trouble). Time outs begin when the child is quiet (aka after the crying is stopped - how can you begin to calm down or think about what you've done if you're still having a fit?). Additional time is added in 5 min. increments for the following : getting down without being told you can do so, talking/yelling, throwing anything (including couch pillows), getting caught playing with a toy (punishment = no toys). Worst case senario, they have all the time they require to calm down (because if you had to add time, they clearly aren't ready to rejoin everyone and play nice/listen) and you have time to get a few extra things done without playing referee :) Of course explaining that you understand where she is coming from during the process is helpful too, along with some kind of compensation that lets her know that you recognize the "big girl" she is, even if it's not quite the "big" she'd like to be. :)

Hi J.,
I have had similar experiences with my three and a half-year-old. She has always been a bit strong-willed and used to have temper tantrums though not as many lately. First, I try to watch so that she doesn't get too frustrated. Obviously, I can't remove all frustrations from her life and she needs to learn to deal with difficulties without having fits, but I try to calm her down before she screams and cries. If she gets to the crying/screaming phase, I try to assess what is going on; I try to determine if she needs to be disciplined or just need a break to calm down. If I think she has been disobedient or is hitting or kicking, I usually give her a timeout, but if I think she is just looking for a way to blow off steam, I do one of two things. Depending on how worked up she is, I will either ask her if she needs a hug (this is if she is not yet too upset... the squeezing sometime releases pent up anger while the holding comforts her) or I will tell her to take a break in her room and stay there until she can come out happy. This usually seems to help. I hope you find something that works for your daughter.
Rachael

I dealt with the same thing with my son!! I have been told that he is just trying to find his place. TRY and explain why you are telling her she can't have something, or why you simply told her NO!! That you could get hurt etc... It's not that she is a bad child, she is just trying to see where she fits into everything and she is just not happy with you right now, leave her alone and she will calm down enough to talk with her. Good Luck!!

Hello J.,

High Fructose Corn Syrup. my son can't handle it. and depending on the amount he consumes is how long it will take to trigger a tantrum. I call them 'withdrawal' tantrums. So, HFCS is banned from my house. anyways, that stuff is not good for anyone. check jusice, bread, crackers, cookies, cereals, etc. keep looking! ~Carmen~

I think this could just be a normal phase she is going thru, trying to test boundaries and dealing with being alittle more grown up. It could have been prompted by spending time with the older cousins. My son started to be very defiant around 4yrs old. Time-outs just did not work for him because his anger would just fester the whole time. When the weather is nice like this, I make him run laps outside around the garage. It helps get his anger out and he feels much better afterwards. Don't try to reason with her during her fit, that gives positve attention to a negative behavior. You could try taking toys away until the behavior stops. Tell her that if she throws a fit, you will go in her room and start removing toys until she stops. The longer the fit, the more toys she will lose. And then keep them for the rest of the day. You really need to do whatever it takes so that she knows that there is no way that you will tolerate this behavior another day. If she throws something or hits something during her fits, take it away immediately. Take her bed out if she continues to thrash around on it - tell her your concerned that she might break her bed. Whatever you pick for punishment, sit her down when she is being good and calm, and explain the rules and the punishment. Tell her that you know that she is a good girl and should be able to follow these rules. After that don't give more than 1 warning about the behavior or she'll walk all over you. She's 4, she's smart and she knows what she's doing.

This is actually REALLY REALLY common for 4yr olds. It can mark developmental milestones. She has opinions, and she's going to express them! Unfortunatly she still lacks the verbal communication skills, and the emotional/self control to make her needs/wants/opinions known without complete emotional breakdowns.

What helped my oldest was to reflect his feelings back to him in proper language. "Oh I see you are angry because you cannot play on the computer right now." Doing that BEFORE any type of time out scenario worked best, as soon as I saw him starting to throw a fit. Got down on his level, held his hand and really "cared" about how he was feeling. After talking about feelings for a couple of minutes I would say something like "It's ok to feel angry, but it is not acceptable to throw a fit, you can tell me how you are feeling with words ok"

Hang on for the emotional rollercoaster of 4-5, it's like having a mini teenager living in your house.

Have you changed anything in her diet recently? Sometimes food is overlooked for the cause of children's behavior. Artificial dyes & colors, preservatives, etc. Your local health food store offers great advice & yummy food.

I hope this helps, good luck!

I'd say continue with the time outs. Set a time limit on them, and exact an apology for her poor behavior. Let her know that she can't have her way or everything she wants all the time because you're her mommy and know better. Even if her cousins get to have something, it might be an age appropriate circumstance.
Let her know what behaviors WILL get her, and what gets her nothing but time outs. Let her scream. She'll get tired of it, or her throat will be darn sore. She will learn to regret it. I was a head-banger when I was that age. Walls, baseboards, floors. And believe it or not, I still have gray matter and survived.
Stick to your guns, J.. Be consistent. Watch SuperNanny once in a while. Great resource for behavioral problems.

I have a boy who is going to be 4 in two weeks and he started doing this exact thing about 4 months ago. He is inconsoleable so I just leave him in his room(he will not stay on his bed)until he calms down. Then I go in and we have hugs and kisses and he snaps right out of it. I think it's a power struggle. My guy is very stubborn and if he doesn't get what he wants or I want him to do something that he doesn't want he has a meltdown. I wish I had better advice but I just wait it out and try not to give the behavior too much attention.

Jamie, Have you tried showing her what she looks like? When she has a melt down, repeat what she just did, lay on the floor kick your feet, scream... then just lay there and ask her if you can have what you want? Or laugh and ask her if you looked silly... She is old enough to understand. Talk to her at a different time about her actions, find out what is going on, tell her you are worried she might be sick, and wonder what is making her act like a 2 year old? Good luck Hon. K.
Mom of 5 grown and childcare provider for 30 years!

Hi J.,
This is just something that entered my mind and it could be way off, but truly consider it. If she spent time with an 11 and 6 year old, are they male? From experience, older kids experiment with younger children if they are not watched carefully. Ask your daughter questions about it. She might not be able to understand if they did do something to her. Otherwise, I know that with my own children I always had to be consistent. Take her special things away, or time outs, until she gets the drift that you mean business and be consistent. She will finally have to yield if she wants her privileges back. I hope this helps.