Really Need All Your Advise

There could be some sensory issues. Have you considered an Occupational Therapy evaluation...with someone who specialized in Sensory Integration Disorder?

Sounds like a fairly normal three year old. This is how most toddlers behave.

Mine took constant discipline. If they refused to eat what I set out, they didn't get any food and lost dessert privileges.

If they misbehaved or whined around, we stopped the activity we were doing immediately and sent them to a time-out in the corner of the living room. If they refused to sit in the time out, we held them down on the chair and we both had a time out together.

I started a reward system, where every day if they were well behaved and good then after dinner they would get a fantastic treat. We'd go to Dairy Queen or we'd have a piece of candy or hot chocolate or whatever they liked the best.

If they had a horrible fit, no matter where we were, that would warrant an immediate and long time-out. If we were at the grocery store I would ignore them and walk away to leave the store. They would immediately start screaming and run after me - I would then put them in their car seat, not move the car, and tell them, "You are having a time out. Throwing a fit is not acceptable. EVER! You have lost your special treat today because you threw a fit."

I never had the poo and pee issue, but my sister did have that problem. She finally got frustrated and decided to try a reward system. Every time her boy poo'd in the toilet she gave him 5 M & M's. He would count out the 5 - there were a few mistakes afterwards - but generally speaking this worked almost INSTANTLY. Within a week he was completely potty trained.

Also - it sounds like he's too old for naps. Mine stopped napping at age 3 because I believe in sending children to bed at a consistent early bedtime. My youngest daughter (age 7) still goes to bed at 8:00 PM (my husband and I have a wonderful evening together every night). She has had no nap since age 3 and is tired by the time it's 8 because she's been running around all day. She gets up at 6:00, but so do I for work, so it works out very well for us.

My best advice here is that he need discipline - you should give him NO chances. No three times and your out, no second chances. My kids learned early that if they did something wrong, there was an immediate response. Because of that when we go to restaurants, when we go anywhere at all, they are always well behaved. It's been a gift to teach them discipline from an early age.

That means that when he doesn't listen the first time, he's to be punished.

Right then, right there.

Believe me, he'll start listening more if you are consistent and DO IT EVERY TIME.

In my experience, it was difficult through age two to age 3 1/2 - - I had to discipline a LOT - for almost two years. I only spanked twice - both times when my youngest used to take off running across a busy street. After they get sat in a chair by themselves with nothing to do and no one to act up in front of, they don't want to do the trouble as much.

The benefit is - after spending the dedicated time to do this you will have taught them how to behave well for a lifetime. You will have much less trouble with your son in the future and he will be a much better listener through his school years.

I wish you luck and hope you follow through. Consistency - bedtimes, time-outs, and food times, will make a huge difference.

S

He is very active. I will make this short. 1. Use less words when you talk to him, make it simple and short. 2. Give him choices, "Go to bathroom now or in 5 minutes?" 3. Don't take the toys with you to the park. 4. Talk to your Doctor about these things. 5. Most kids don't poop at night before bed, most just go one or two times during the day. Don't put him on potty at night. 6. Try to give him a calm surroundings. 7. Don't worry so much about him watching TV. 8. Try using TV as a reward for potty deeds, "if you tell me you have to go pee (or poo) and you do it, you can watch some TV." 9. There is a battle for control going on, the cure is to give choices and speak to him calmly and slowly and with respect. 10. What is different about dinner time? is his Dad there then? if your husband talks to you disrespectfully in front of your son he should stop. 10.Don't compare your son to other children and don't worry about what others think. There are so many critics in the world, you can only do your best. 11.He is a child who is not interested in toys, don't spend a lot of money on them or think this or that toy will help. Just let him play his own way, with things that are okay to play with. Watch him and let him take the lead and make choices about what to play with. 12. I believe you are a good mother and he is the way he is, try to look for the blessings.

Hello L.!

Clearly your son has some significant behavioral issues, almost too many to count according to your letter. As an Early Educator, I would recommend that you start with your son's Dr. and explore the possibility of a food allergy, developmental delay or sensitivity of some sort. After any thing physical has been eliminated, you will need to set a behavioral plan. You need to start by setting very clear boundries and following through each time an unacceptable behavior is seen. I can only imagine your frustration! You might consider a preschool that you can get the support and guidance of their staff. Good Luck to you and try to stay sane!

You've painted a good picture as to what he is doing... when he does those things, what is your response?

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but welcome to the world of a three year old boy. The best advice i can give you is to be strong and consistant. Never let him see you lose it. Let him know how you feel when he does things, but don't respond in anger or he'll pick that up too. I have a seven year old who was very much like you were describing. He is now 100% better. He is respectful, polite, and listens (most of the time). I hope that gives you a little hope. Just make sure you have a good support group for yourself. Parenting in general is an emotional roller coaster, especially when they are strong willed. Good luck to you, and God bless!

I don't think it would be a bad idea to mention the behavior to your Peditrician. I am surprised his preschool teacher didn't mention it to you. The peditrician might have some ideas for you, and might be able to look closer into some of the behaviors.

I wish you all the best in figuring things out!

In response to his eating in the morning. If he doesn't eat what you give him and he says he's all done. Just say, Ok. Hope that lasts you until we eat again at lunch. When he gets hungry before lunch just say," OH...that's sad that you didn't finish your breakfast and your hungry now. We eat again at lunch" He may complain but the next day or two he'll probably eat better at breakfast. As far as bath time and other play times, maybe just give him choices rather than telling him what to do. Like, "Do you want to play with this bath toy or this bath toy today?" Or get too different tooth pastes and ask what flavor he wants today. It's amazing how when you give them choices how they will then do what you want because they feel that they made the decision and then they own that. So, maybe if this works, at Preschool ask the teacher if she would like to help you raise a more responsible child (she can't say no) and ask her if she would give your son more choices. Like for story time "would you like to sit next to me or sit next to Billy" or sit or stand...whatever works. One other thing is to not use threats in your choices. Hope this helps! Good luck!

I remember having a ft-working mom friend tell me she was taking two weeks off work to potty train her son at 3 years old. The end of the story was .....well he wasn't going to potty train until he was good and ready! 6 months later...it happened. My son, second child, was 3 1/2 years; my daughter (first child) was 2 1/2 years old at potty training time. Boys are just so busy. (Not that girls aren't - it's just different.) And, to top it off, so many people say 2 years old's are the hardest age. I think three's are hard. Stay positive with him. Praise the good. I wouldn't put so much pressure on the potty training. It will come. (so will those cool little big boy pants that he will go shopping for once he's trained-just might not mean ANYTHING to him now). You're child sounds normal. He likes school - take that as a positive. He won't always be teacher's pet. He's not grabbing your leg and throwing a temper tantrum, saying he doesn't want to go. Talk to the teacher. Work together. Ask her what he does RIGHT. Sometimes the bad stuff is fresh on their mind. The good stuff - you can encourage. The bad stuff you can work on - role play with stuffed animals or anything that helps him see how he should act. Limiting TV is good - equally important is what he watches. Try to work on an earlier bed time w/ a routine that he looks forward to so that you aren't so worn out. 9:00 pm would be a great goal. Earlier, even better but probably not realistic. Re. leaving anywhere - give a ten minute warning...then a five minute then a one minute warning- then, time to go - then go. He needs to know his boundaries so that he can learn to respect them. You have tried hard - you're fine. Baby steps - tackle the behavior that you most want to change now. Other changes will come, especially the potty training. Good luck!

I don't have long so I'll make this short. I'd recommend stopping the potty training for awhile. It sounds like you have plenty on your plate without it. I would also recommend taking the battle out of things as much as possible. This would mean making meals and offering the food. If he doesn't eat nothing but water until the next scheduled snack or meal. Nap and bedtime: place him in his room with a gate at the door and leave. You sound like you are trying so hard to please him and can't. Just stop trying and he may get happier in the long run. Also if you are somewhere and he acts up, leave, right away without a warning. This should shock him and get your point across. Also try to unplug the tv or put it in the garage for awhile. Then when you see improved behavior take it back out. It sounds like he is sleep deprived. Check out the book "Healthy sleep habits happy child". Also you may want to get him evaluated for sensory integration issues. please feel free to email me if you want to, but I've gotta run. I've got 3 kids under 5 years old. Also check out the book "Creative Correction".

I also am an early childhood educator and really agree with Cathy's post. I feel for you...you have got to be exhausted! You are doing all you can and obviously trying SOO hard to guide him well. Something is clearly giving him a harder time, like the deck is stacked against him. You are doing well with tv, since studies do back up the fact that it weakens focus ability and more aggression and restlessness are evident after tv viewing in toddlers and preschoolers. I hear you on the using it as a babysitter when desperate. That's pretty much the only time we use it as well. :) I too am a little concerned about the intense fascination with water (possibly), and especially wood chips in the mouth still at age 3...these are signs of sensory issues that you may want to check into. Looks like some posters mentioned that this is all "normal" for a 3 year old. Honestly, it really sounds to me from the concerns you have mentioned that the deck is stacked against him, that there are some sensory integration issues of some sort, and some therapy or such could really be of some help. I'd check with the pediatrician possibly, as well as the school district. The school district does a free screening. We did it with my older son for speech when he turned 3, but anyway they had a speech pathologist, social worker, preschool teacher, occupational therapist, etc there (7 various specialties to evaluate development focusing on concerns you present to them). Then the school district is able to evaluate where they see concerns that could be addressed before kindergarten, and they provide the services to help with the difficulties. It's part of the IL early intervention program I guess. My son ended up being pretty borderline with speech, so we agreed to let it go for now. My sister got help for at least her son I think for speech which entailed of a half hour a couple days a week of one on one time with the speech therapist from what I remember. Best wishes to you and hang in there!!

L.,

Choose your battles. Leave the poo-poo part of the potty training alone - do not give him any negative attention over not doing it but when he does it - cheer him!!! He will come around, it just takes time with some.

Bath time - I started giving my daughter a popsicle in the bath when she started the running away thing, worked great.

Most of the stuff you described is normal for a 3 yr old, please find time to cuddle with him and give him lots of positive attention.

Sounds like he likes water - fill a toddler pool with water in your backyard, bath time and playtime are done in one step! I have a friend with twins who used to give them their entire lunch in the pool so she could just 'hose them off' :-)

Do you have a pleasant routine for nap time? (reading a story together, rocking in a chair, singing a lullaby, saying a prayer, holding a favorite stuffed animal?)

Good luck to you, try not to sweat the small stuff.

hugs,
W.

It sounds like, to me, that your son maybe having some signs of autism or atleast a disorder in that spectrum. For instance, his facination with water. That is classic with these kids. Does he prefer to be alone a lot? How well does he talk and comunicate? Does he hit himself or others? Does he pick at his skin? DOes he bang his head at all either with his hands or on something else? Does he like to put things in certain places and orders? THese are just some of the things to look for and consider. I would take him to the pediatrician first and have him evaluated. Then if they do give that or a similar diagnosis I would start him on some therapy to help regulate his brain activity. Right now it sounds like he is being over and then under stimulated in different areas of the brain. As a chiropractor that specializes in children and is trained in helping children with these disorders, I see this alot. I do take care of children that sound so much like your son and it is just amazing what some therapy exercises and spinal adjustments can do for a child and you. It really helps calm them down. If interested let me know and we can talk some more about it.

L.....one simple way to get him to listen is to go to the Chalkboard store and get a sticker chart and some stickers. And then make your own chart. Like write on the chart what you want him to do. And then when he does it have him put a sticker on that line. Tell him if he gets a sticker that whole week then he gets a suprise.(whatever you feel like giving him). And when he does fill up that whole week with stickers then give him that suprise. That worked when my boys where younger. My boys are now almost 9 and 6 and sometimes I have to use it now...Good luck

As far as potty training goes. You are making it way to much of a struggle. I did the same thing as you with pushing and struggling with my son to get potty trained. Finally I gave up and decided that my son was going to be 16 and still not potty trained. I stopped all potty training and just changed his diaper as needed. Now keep in mind he was 2 months shy of 4 years old. I was having trouble finding diapers big enough for him. Then after about 2 weeks of no potty training at all my son came down the stairs with his big boy underwear on and a bag of diapers and said" mom, I think it is time I get potty trained, you can give these diapers to my brother". I thought to myself , ok, sure, whatever... From that day on it has been five months and he has only had two accidents. I never even have to ask him if he has to go he just goes to the bathroom himself. Of course when he goes poo poo I have to wipe his butt, but other than that he has the potty thing down. My friends son had the same issues and he was outside playing and another child actually teased him for still wearing a diaper and the next day he was potty trained.. When kids are ready they are ready. Hang in there. Don't be embarrased there are alot of us in your shoes.

Hi L.- I am a SAHM of 4 (ages 9,7,5, and 2) I have also been a elementary teacher inMI befor having kids, My advice is 2 fold-
1. Positive reinforement (catch him being good)
If whenever you see him doing what he should you give him verbal praise or a pat on the back, hug etc. he will stop using the negative behavior to get attention (not that you aren't already )
2. behavior/consequence. When he choses to not do what you ask set a firm consequence (my not quite 2 year old boy will sit on the couch if he doesn't apologize to his sister for hitting, biting etc.) Have high behavioral expectations and follow through. Explain to him why there are rules inplace and why they have to be enforced. You are the adult and therefore calling the shots.

In regard to food/potty raining. I would nix the am milk and start with breakfast when he is ready to eat or you are ready to feed him. Potty traing should possibly take a back seat to the other behavioral probelms you are experiencing- you may find the training is easier once he knows what is expected of him in the household and school.
I know you love your little boy and I am sure you love him enough to know that you HAVE to start to set boundries so he can be a happy healthy little boy!
Good Luck
B.