Raising a Happy and Well Mannered Child

My pediatrician recommended "1, 2, 3 Magic" and I'm in the process of reading it now. I'll let you know how it works (my son is 2).

I don't know what your faith may be, but I have found the author Dr. Kevin Leman very insightful and helpful. He has written MANY books about parenting (amongst other things).

Have a New Kid by Friday http://www.amazon.com/Have-New-Kid-Friday-Character/dp/08...

Making Children Mind without Losing Yours http://www.amazon.com/Making-Children-without-Losing-Your...

Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down http://www.amazon.com/Bringing-Without-Confident-Successf...

Stopping Stress Before it Stops You: A Game Plan for Every Mom http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Stress-before-Stops-You/dp...

Those are just a few of his.

I second moving your little one's bedtime back an hour. Does she still take naps? If not, make sure she has one during the day. Naps are VERY important in quelling meltdowns!

At 3, our children could follow basic rules such as:
-When Mommy and Daddy say "no", it means NO.
-You say "please", "thank you" and "no, thank you"
-You ask to be excused from the table
-You put your dishes in the kitchen sink (we have a stool there)
-You never hit or intentionally hurt another living thing
-You don't slam doors, stomp, throw things or scream
-Lights out means lights out. We brush our teeth, wash our face and feet, brush our hair, put away any toys that are still out, have a story, a cuddle, a kiss and then it's lights out. If you drag or pitch a fit, you forfeit your story.

Remember that your kids will cue into your expectations of them. High expectations usually get high results.

Best of luck, mama.

This is a toughie, as each child is different, and each time you introduce something, it can take a while for it to become the "new normal." That being said, here are some things that work for us:

-We pray before we eat so we all know when we can start eating. It is an easy way to get the kids to understand that it's not polite to eat before other people can.
-We have the kids say, "I'm all done. May I be excused?" That way, we can say yes or no, as the situation warrants. Usually we say yes, ask them to please take their dishes to the sink, and then they can go play. (My kids are 2 and 4. We've been doing this since our youngest was 18 months.)
-At night, we have a very simple routine: pajamas, teeth, book, pray, sing. From start to finish, it can take 15 minutes or an hour, depending on how we are all feeling. The hardest part is learning to stay calm. I keep reminding myself that I am the adult... I am the adult... I am the adult. (Sometimes I don't want to be the adult!) But when my kids are crying, whining, etc, I tell them that they need to take three deep breaths, and then they can tell me again what they want. I usually take the deep breaths with them. Then they tell me what is wrong/what they want, and if I can, I accommodate. If I can't, I say, "I undestand that you want __________. The answer is no." They know that when I say no, I mean no, and there is no turning back.
-The book that I read that helped me a fair amount was, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Mark Weissbluth. It helped change my mind about a lot of things. I am forever grateful.

Good luck!

Well, part of it is the age she is. 3 is a tough year, in some ways tougher than the 2's.

That being said, if bedtime is a battle, why not move bedtime back an hour earlier? She may have just reached the end of her rope by then, and she's exhausted and over-tired, and just can't handle ANYthing. My younger daughter needed to go to bed at 6pm at that age (no joke!). That was when her body had usually had enough for the day, and anything that happened after 6pm was a huge battle. So we put her to bed super early, and that was that!

My favorite parenting book of all time is John Rosemond's "The New Parent Power!" He is just such a great common-sense guy. I also like his "Bill of Rights for Children" which is as follows:

1) Because it is the most character-building, two-letter word in the English language, children have the right to hear their parents say “No” at least three times a day.
2) Children have the right to find out early in their lives that their parents don’t exist to make them happy, but to offer them the opportunity to learn the skills they will need to eventually make themselves happy.
3) Children have a right to scream all they want over the decisions their parents make, albeit their parents have the right to confine said screaming to certain areas of their homes.
4) Children have the right to find out early that their parents care deeply for them but don’t give a hoot what their children think about them at any given moment in time.
5) Because it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, children have the right to hear their parents say “Because I said so” on a regular and frequent basis.
6) Because it is the most character-building activity a child can engage in, children have the right to share significantly in the doing of household chores.
7) Every child has the right to discover early in life that he isn’t the center of the universe (or his family or his parents’ lives), that he isn’t a big fish in a small pond, and that he isn’t the Second Coming, so as to prevent him from becoming an insufferable brat.
8) Children have the right to learn to be grateful for what they receive, therefore, they have the right to receive all of what they truly need and very little of what they simply want.
9) Children have the right to learn early in their lives that obedience to legitimate authority is not optional, that there are consequences for disobedience, and that said consequences are memorable and, therefore, persuasive.
10) Every child has the right to parents who love him/her enough to make sure he/she enjoys all of the above rights.

We have this printed up and posted on our fridge, and my kids know their "rights." ;) Hang in there, mama. You are doing a great job with two kids who are at very difficult ages. They will get easier as they get older, and you will find the tricks that work with your kids. Just remember, you're the mom, and if you don't like how something is going - change it! You have that right.

I have a spirited 3 year old who is very good now. And a 2 year old who was a born terror but is good now. My 5 year old almost never needs any discipline anymore and is a loving, respectful, great kid, doing well in school and piano lessons etc. I personally believe in early discipline preventing future problems and have seen it work in my home and others. I would steer clear of the positive parenting which favors avoiding firm consequences and lets very bad habits form and germinate. If you want a discipline guide within a loving parenting style for 3 years old, Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is excellent. I got many of my best tips from that book and it is right in alignment with how I have seen other great parents raise their wonderful kids through teens and adults. The toddler years are a foundation you should not snooze through discipline wise! If you effectively discipline the tantrums, for one thing, they will stop, and that will free you up on countless levels. But it takes firm discipline to do that.
I'm home alone 90% of the time with 3 kids under 5. Discipline has been the key to having great kids I take with me everywhere. We are always having fun, because the bad stuff just isn't allowed, and they never got away with it.
Yes, all kids are different, but the house rules can be the same. It just takes more or less consistency depending on the child.

My DD is almost 3 and since we turned her bed into a toddler bed (she was climbing out anyway) nighttime has reverted to being a nightmare. We put her down and then walk her back over and over and over and eventually she gets it (and unless she's sick, most nights have been a little better lately). I have heard people saying that 3 is worse than 2. I try to give my DD reasonable expectations (we are going to the store and then we'll hit the bank and if you are good we will go to the park) and choices (do you want the blue cup or the purple cup?) and ignore meltdowns (I can't understand you when you are crying and whining. When you are calm and ready to talk, I'm here).

I would also ask your DH to take a break sometimes. I work from home and while it's temping to plow through when DH is home, I realize that the rest of the family also needs me and vice versa. Taking a little time, even if it's not every night, may help your kids and your DH. Everyone needs a break and maybe he can give baths or read bedtime stories and that can be special time.

As for well-mannered...we're still working on it, but we use please and thank you and no, thank you and I'm sorry but... with each other and encourage our little one to use them, too. We praise her when she says, "No, thank you. I don't like dumplings." after she tried them.

The other day I asked her what was the magic word to get something and she said, "Abracadabra!" I had to laugh.

It sounds like classic power struggles. For this and many other challenges you will undoubtedly face, I HIGHLY recommend Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline books - the closest things I have found to manuals :). Her techniques take a bit more time, but they stick forever and teach child AND parent SO much. They make perfect sense to me. Needless to say, they are well worth the effort! The one you might need is called Positive Discipline for Preschoolers and then there is one called Positive Discipline the First Three Years. She covers the same basic concepts in all of them but also gives tons of examples and age-appropriate advice in all of them, so they all have the same basic message (which, every time I open one, I need reminded of anyway), but then each is tailored for different age groups. They have been a huge help to us!

For some immediate help, you may want to visit her website, which is www.positivediscipline.com. There is also a Positive Discipline answer panel, which you can find at http://positivediscipline.org/Default.aspx?pageId=271873. You can also email her directly - she isn't always able to take the time for an in depth response, but she always replies. Her email is ____@____.com. I don't recall how I came upon her email address, but she is not a personal friend whose book I am promoting - her books are exceptional, so I recommend them often.

I would love to know how it goes if you have time...good luck!

~M.

First of all, I don't think any parenting book has all the answers for all kids. But there are a few that have really given me some good guidance & food for thought. The first is 'Love & Logic Magic for Early Childhood.' It gives great advice aimed directly at this age. It teaches concepts and gives great examples for situations all of us have been in with our young children. Another one I just read was 'Christlike Parenting' by Glenn Latham. It has similar concepts taught in a slightly different way and from a different perspective, but works very well as a companion or supplement to Love & Logic. I've been really applying the concepts in these books with my kids over the past week or so & I've seen a HUGE difference. Not that they are perfect now, by any means, but my kids really seem to be responding.

We all go through what you are describing. Try not to be too hard on yourself. The fact that you want some resources to work on things shows what a great mom you are! Hang in there.

You have to get the book "I'm a Keeper" by Ray W. Lincoln. It teaches you how to parent your child according to their unique temperament (how they are wired on the inside). It will change the way you parent and help you understand you and your children's behavior. I have done a couple seminars with him and he is amazing. If you live in the Denver metro area he has an office in Littleton. The office number is ###-###-####.

I also found "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years" by Jim Fay and Charles Fay to be pretty good too.

Hope this helps a bit.