Quick Advice on Sensitive Subject

I have to tell you that I really and truly am sorry that you jumped the gun here and bought a house together. Instead, you should be having pre-marriage counseling FIRST and buying a house S..

Please get into pre-marriage counseling. You will be very sorry that you didn't. All the signs are there for a very rocky marriage.

Make his birthday dinner, but start making healthier, cheaper meal choices afterward.

We celebrated my 14 year old's birthday on Mother's day. I spent about $40 on 6 nice, thick steaks. Steak is expensive...but it's a special occasion. You're not eating it every day.

I'm less concerned about this ribeye dinner and way more concerned that you are engaged to, and have bought a house with, someone who is not honest with you about finances and other issues. Surely, in the years you have been together, you have seen him eat. Surely you knew this was a problem. Yet you have not talked to him (and vice versa) about long range goals, values, role models among parents & stepparents, budgets, financial priorities, and the like.

I think discussing weight is only one tiny piece of the puzzle here. It seems that you have gone into the real estate venture and are just starting to see what living with him is like. And you're just finding out that he can't pay some of his bills. Maybe that money is going into excess food, maybe it's going into other things. You have some contradictions in your post: he "takes care of his business" but he can't make his bills, he's "honest" but doesn't disclose things to you that affect your life, he values "open communication" but has been holding back on some facts. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you, maybe he thinks he can handle things himself, maybe he's just starting to trust the relationship enough to show his full self, "warts & all."

I think you could benefit from couples counseling and from financial planning assistance to set a budget. That budget needs to include everything, from mortgage/utilities to food to vacations to upcoming expenses for your son (camp, orthodontia, college).

This isn't about the birthday dinner. It's about much more. Please get some professional advice to help you two start your married and residential life on a firm foundation.

How in the world did it go two years and you just now are seeing how much he is eating? Does he scale back when you two are out on a date or something? Does he not eat as much when you guys are around and just binge when you aren't? I'm confused.

Birthdays are a big deal though - so I would get him what he is asking for and then alter the menu after that. Honestly, just living together will help him see what you and your son do and he may follow. But he does need more protein than you all do, in my opinion.

Why did you buy a house together if you are just starting to spend weekends together? And how did you get engaged if you didn't spend weekends together before? I'm sorry, there are just so many things that confuse me in this.

Instead of making it about him, I would tell him that you have decided that the family should be healthier. Tell him you want to instill good eating and exercise habits in your son and you want to live a long, healthy life together as a married couple. I wouldn't start with his birthday but I would make that the family's last hurrah. After that, it'll be eating in moderation - nothing crazy but just everything in moderation. And move too! Fun things as a family to get more active. Good luck!

I imagine that if he's been able to hide his eating habits from you for two years he's probably hiding other things as well.
No real advice, other than to tread slowly, and cook HEALTHILY for yourself and your son. I would flat out tell the fiance if he wants to eat like that he can prepare his own meals.
It's no different than smoking a pack a day, or drinking a few six packs, food kills too. If he expects you to join him on an early path to death he's not generous or sweet, he's selfish and delusional :-(

i dunno, i'm seeing some rather big red flags here. i mean, i love that he's a great guy and values honest open communication. that makes it clear that you need to sit down and have a nutrition talk with him.
but how does that work when you've already bought a house together and he's just now sharing that he's behind on bills? that you're worried about grocery bills and he's blithely expecting top of the line food and lots of it?
i think that springing on him that his eating habits are WRONG, wasteful, unhealthy and irresponsible is a pretty big blindside. if i were him i'd feel very ambushed.
but there are other issues too about trust and responsibility here.
i guess i'd say start from a place of love, sharing and concern. don't tell him you're grossed out by his sugar-bomb lunch, or that you don't want to make him a special birthday dinner. do talk about living a long and healthy life together, and changes that you can both make to make that happen.
and somehow segue that into the finances. if he's behind on his bills, i do hope he's not expecting a $50 dinner on a regular basis (although for a birthday i think it's fine.) is he going to be able to get caught up soon, or is he relying on you to catch him up? do you have detailed and realistic plans for how to manage the house payment and other finances when you move in together?
it sounds as if you've got a lot of territory to cover on super-important subjects, and that you've had your head in the sand for a lot of the last two years. but i hope you tackle them openly and SOON. don't move in with all these unresolved issues hanging over your heads.
khairete
S.

You need to be careful how you approach this because he could feel attacked. Not only that, but he could feel (rightly so) that you are trying to change him and that means you don't really accept him as he is. I understand the health concerns, but so does he. Fat people are not stupid, we understand what is healthy and what is not, and most of us know full well that eating less would be better for us, so to have it pointed out can be hurtful, like they think we are too stupid to understand. I don't disagree that this is something that should be brought up if it really is a deal breaker for you, just be careful.

As for the birthday dinner, unless the two of you truly can not afford it what is wrong with spending $36 on steaks for a dinner that comes once a year? I have certainly spent more then that on dinner for just two at a restaurant on a special occasion.

stay calm, do whatever he asked for his b-day dinner and tell him that you are concerned for his health because of his eating habits. you love him and don't want to lose him too quick due to some health problem that arose from eating 2 meals at once.
if he really does value open honest communication then he will accept your concerns and will hopefully talk out a better health and eating plan for your soon to be new family!

I agree with the others that one of the bigger issues is financial transparency. How will you manage joint finances? We do his/hers/ours. All the major bills are paid from direct depositing to an account JUST for the house and then our bills are from "our" accounts. So my credit card is mine, etc. Maybe that would help you with that part?

As for the eating a lot, my xSF used to eat a lot and I was never entirely sure if it was a food addiction or boredom or depression. Maybe all. Being on the road is hard and there's nothing else to do but eat sometimes. I would ask him to talk to his doctor about his health. My xSF had to have heart surgery and developed prediabetes and any number of other ills I was not privy to. If you want him around a long time, and to be a good example for your son, then he needs to consider the long-term effects. Does he like comedy? You might want to check out Gabriel Iglasias if you don't know about him already. Gabriel (or Fluffy) was well on the road the eating himself to death, which he readily admits to. He's lost over 100 lbs and is healthier, though has a way to go. Fluffy also has a lady in his life, and a stepson. Maybe seeing that someone on the road all the time like Fluffy can do it, so can he?

I'd also make health a family affair. Not "you may never bring home chips" but "Let's have one small bowl and not the whole bag". Or "Let's have that fried chicken picnic...after we walk to the park."

I feel for you! this is a MAJOR thing. One great quality my ex had was the willingness to eat healthfully, and shared values on the grocery budget and buying...I can't even imagine the stress if this was not the case because food is so important to me. I'm now divorced and dated a big strong man for a bit who ate like a machine....EEEEEK. I literally couldn't handle it! Neither could he actually financially...over time I found myself feeding him when we were together because his budget was tight, and he was always STARVING. When he came to the house for a few hours, the place was cleaned out :( Over time we may have been able to work it out since he DID care about eating healthy food, and he DID respond to my concerns, so I could have addressed it with focus..but too many other issues.

My alarm with what you're saying is that he's behind on some bills....Not OK that he has NO CUSHION if he's moving in with you and helping to raise your son!!! And ESPECIALLY not OK if this is what it costs for him to eat daily.

S.: Yeah, the fact that he eats heart attack fuel in massive quantities is a big, big problem. I don't know his age, but he will have major obesity and health issues for sure. Not to mention the massive expense...even if he's not BEHIND on bills going forward, a huge chunk of his paycheck will always be spent on HIS food.

This needs to be solved BEFORE getting married. And discussed AFTER the birthday. I'd discuss by yourself with a counselor to figure out decent ways to address it...I can't think of how! Unless he's super open to change and difficult to offend.

Personally I would not worry about cost of birthday dinner. It comes once a year. If you guys can't afford an expensive dinner now and then...this isn't looking like a good thing!!

My suggestion to you is to focus 100% on his health and the health of the family as a whole. Don't talk about money - it's a totally separate conversation. Then, the best thing to do for him (after he has his bday ribeyes) is to support him 100%.

The only thing I see wrong that he is eating is the sugar (cake and ice cream for lunch).

Our household eats peagan "paleo-vegetarian" It sounds weird but it works for us we are all healthy weight and have good reports from the doctor. We eat healthy meats, tons of veggies and some fruit. No sugar, grains or processed foods. No fast food. (well occasionally as a very rare treat).

So the steaks, eggs and mushrooms (even cooked in butter) for our family wouldn't be a issue. The quantity would be the issue...and of course there is the cost.

Feed him his birthday dinner...sounds like you already have planned on that. Then you can go online and find out how many calories he needs with the manual labor that he does.

To me if you are currently eating a SAD (standard American diet) diet, then together as a new family make an overhaul. Start small like cutting out all soda even diet soda and then make more small changes.

Good luck!!

Is he overweight? His body needs many more calories because he is doing heavy manual labor.

I suggest that starting a conversation about eating in a healthy way is a good idea. Then, over time, both of you learn what a healthy diet means. Focus on nutrition. Refrain from making remarks that will feel critical to him. Decide together what you will eat.

Know that understanding about healthy eating and applying this knowledge to eating Will take time.

I suggest that the way we talk is important to getting the results we want. I suggest looking into non-violent communication. There are several Internet sites to describe the process.

umm, try:" the paleo solution", or' primal eating"..either book will help get the guy eating better and taking better care of himself .ok, so hes behind on a few bills, passing up mc donalds for nutritionally dense food, will be better for his waist line and his wallet. more later...K. h

I know you already answered the "what happened" section and based on your response, I'm guessing you got a bunch of snarky answers?! Being on the well-nourished side my entire life, growing up poor and eating very bad when I was a kid (it costs a lot to eat healthy), I wanted to put in my 2 cents. You are right to want to set a positive example for your son with healthy eating. You said he was a very opened guy, so I would suggest you be opened and direct with him about his health, how much he's consuming and the cost. He may have been eating this way for so long, he doesn't even realize it. Personally speaking, if you eat an excess all the time, you're use to it and cutting back to "normal" portions will leave you starving 2 hours after dinner. It is going to take a few months for the adjustment period. Good luck