Question on Where Child Should Reside?

A boy (any child, really) needs love, stability, positive male and female role models and good, healthy relationships with both parents (is possible, as sometimes it is not).

I do not believe it is essential that a child of divorced parents live with their same gender parent. Consistency would be a top priority, in my opinion. He has been living with you full-time, going to school, living in a community. Having a close relationship with his father can be achieved in many ways. But I'm not convinced changing homes, schools and communities is necessarily in his best interest.

Yet another mom who disagrees with this logic. What kids of all ages -- from 8 days to 18 years -- need is a stable home where they feel loved. The gender of the parent matters so much less than that, it's not even worth mentioning.

If anything happens at the magical age of 8, it's that the child's "center of gravity" may begin to slowly shift from the home to the peer group. He'll start to identify as much with his friends as with his family. You really see this in the high school years, but there's a very early pull in that direction at roughly around 8. What that really, really means is that 8 is not an ideal age to switch schools. A child who spends some time in one parent's house, some time in another, should not also have to start at a brand new school, where the friendship groups are already in place.

I'm having a hard time figuring out who is who here. Is the son in question yours? Are you the mom who moved 3.5 hours away?

I don't think that a boy *needs* his father any more at 8 than he does at age 3 or 5 or 10 or 13 or 18, especially if there is a step father in the picture, which appears to be the case with you. If you have to "make" someone see the benefits of an arrangement, that's probably a sign that those benefits are debatable. I am raising 3 sons. My oldest's bio father left when I was pregnant. My husband is the father of my younger sons but if we split, I wouldn't just hand them over to him under some unsubstantiated idea that they need him more than they need me.

If he lives with you, and is happy with you and is in a good school district with friends and activities, leave him where he is. If this is a step son and he lives with his mom, and he is happy, healthy, well cared for, in a good school district, has friends, etc. leave him where he is.

I see no need to upend an 8 year old child's life over gender. That just seems silly to me.

It seems odd to me to think of separating siblings.

And...are you saying you want your son to live with his father but your ex doesn't want him to? Most parents fight for custody not that they want the other parent to have it. I feel sorry for your son if I understand this post correctly.

A child should live where he feels the happiest and most at peace. Your idea is not steeped in logic. uprooting a child over some idea of gender specific needs, is just silly. He doesn't need his dad anymore at 8, then he does today. IF he does end up needing him more...he doesn't have to move with dad, to have his needs met. He simply needs communication with dad.

Yes, you are totally off base.
You are going to upset 2 families and rock your son's world off its axis.
Leave everyone where they are.

I disagree with you totally. A boy's image of relationships come form his relationship wirh his Mom. If you send him to live with his dad, in a way he will feel unloved and abandoned by his mom. If you keep your daughter with you she will feel unloved and abondoned by her dad.

Children need both parents.

I can understand your thinking but I truly think a child needs one home. Not switching back and forth, back and forth. They should get to have their friends, their things, and their own place that is always home.

Sending your son to his dads home 3.5 hours away might seem horrible cruel to him. It's as if he's finally old enough to go away and not come back except to visit occasionally. So please reconsider. He needs a stable home and parent.

I don't care if you are the mom or dad, you should ALWAYS want and fight for your kid. Once your child is "given" to the dad because you think your son 'needs' him, good freaking luck trying to get him back. Unless he is burning him with cigarettes or something MAJOR, you will NOT get him back. I don't care if my son wants to live with his dad. He is MY son and he will stay with ME so *I* know exactly what is going on with him majority of the time. JMO and I've been through it. Good luck.

I don't think it matter if the boy is with his mom or dad. My younger son is 14 and if he had to pick one or the other, this would be best. Although my husband is not his father, he is a good man and a good role model. Of course in my case my ex is not married, not dating, there isn't a good example of a good home there.

My point is I don't think boy needs dad is good reason to change everything around.

My nephew and my niece, live half time at their home with their dad and half the time at their home with their mom. Their parents live about a mile from each other, close to their schools. Their father is remarried and has a 4 year old. The mom has a boyfriend. All of these parents work full time.

There are times, they may want to go to the other parents home for certain reasons. Activities, whatever. all sorts of things have popped up over the years.

They swap Holidays each year. They have now done this since the kids were 9 and 7 yrs old. My nephew is leaving for college in the fall..

This has taken a lot of communication, patience and planning. This is normal for these families. Their friends and their parents all understand.

I do not think there is a right or wrong. I think it should be based on what the children want and need.

This is the hard part. Children feel a huge responsibility not to hurt a parents feelings.. And so as parents we need to allow our children to be totally honest with us.. and have us handle our own emotions.

What if your son AND daughter told you they both just wanted to move in dad full time, and see you only 2 weekends a month? Would you be able to accept this?

These are the things, that came up in my parents divorce, except, we never wanted to live with our dad. Talk about guilt. I felt terrible. Took me decades to get help with this.

I do know a mom that felt she had to send her son to live with his dad. This young man was out of control. Her job did not allow her to be able to spend enough time with this young man, to make sure he was where he was supposed to be at all times. But the dad, was able to do this. Thank goodness they all live here in town, but they do live 20 minutes away from each other.

It broke moms heart, but she knew this was the best for her son.

Be careful assuming what the children may want.. and make sure your choices and decisions include their input.

I do not feel there is an age at which a child should reside with one parent over the other based on gender. My SS needed his mother just as much as SD did, even though she didn't think so. If the issue is really that the child would like to spend more time with Dad, then adjust the visitation schedule while keeping things like school and friends a constant. The boy might gain more time with his dad, but at great upheaval. And why split up siblings?

What is most important is that the children have a stable life. It may be with Mom or Dad, but there is no magic age for this. My SD did not need her dad any less when she turned 8. There was no reason to change custody based on a birthdate.

If you are the SM speaking for the NCP household, then you have minimal input. I say this as a SM myself. You can encourage your DH to ask for more time with his kid (summers, vacations) and make them a priority. He can also step up other communication, like via Skype.

The flip side is, sometimes you can't make someone be the parent YOU want them to be. You can encourage. You can suggest. But if Dad is comfortable with the way things are, then you have to focus on just supporting things as they are. There's more than gender and age that goes into (or should go into) determining custody. And that goes for your DD, too. Dads can raise girls just fine.

I don't know that you are completely off base, but have you done any reading or research on this? I only ask this because when I have a notion about something, it really helps me to see if it's just my belief or if there's some solid foundation to this sort of thinking.

Personally, as a kid who experienced living with divorced parents, it seems somewhat arbitrary to me to say "well, now that you are X age, you don't need one parent as much as you do the other, so we are going to make a decision which will be a profound change in your life". I think that would have been pretty upsetting. I believe that kids need both their parents--and not as a gender specific statement of "children need a mother and a father" but more that they need the support of both relationships and those families. They also *really* need clear consistency.

My advice would be to really discuss this with the parents of both households first, then make any decisions WITH the input of the child. Do not present it as 'it's your choice' but more of a 'what would you think about..." and ONLY if both families are amenable to this.

If distance is an issue, think, too, of what you would be asking the child to give up at such a crucial time: the social support of established friendships. Starting a new school is very hard at this age; I know this firsthand. Kids are often in their chosen groups and breaking into one when they are already established is a daunting task at a time when they are leaning on their friends to be forgiving and to be familiar with them as they develop. So this is something to consider as well.

I do believe you are coming at this from a good-hearted place, by the way. I am also just very, very wary of turning a 'belief' about something into action without further examining it, which is what you are doing here. So, again, my method would be to look at literature regarding adolescence for both boys and girls and see what you discover. Maybe a family counselor could help in this situation and give you some feedback or insight. It's not to say that maybe dad shouldn't be *more* accessible if the child desires, however, I believe that the opportunity to have two sets of parents of both genders could also provide great support, too.

Besides the fact you're off base here, keep in mind that your arguments about "kids need the same gender parent as custodial parent" are never going to wash with any court, anywhere. Do you really want to drag the son, and possibly your daughter as well, through a court custody battle over this particular belief of yours? It would be a wasted effort that would only scar the children.

The confusingly vague wording of the post leaves me (and others too, I'd bet) wondering what's really going on here. It sounds as if you are the stepmom and want a stepson to come live in your household with his biological father and you, and you want your own biological daughter to leave her father's household and come to you as well -- If that is a correct reading, and I can't be sure it is, it sounds as if you're trying to pull your child and your husband's both into your one household. It isn't going to fly, legally. And the fact you mention the distance problem--well, the mom was allowed by the court to move those 3.5 hours away, wasn't she? Usually courts have to approve long-distance moves; what happened here? Your husband could have fought it in court at the time she moved, and didn't, or if he did fight it, the court disagreed. Leave it alone because your gender-based argument is just never going to convince the other mom, your own ex, or any judge.

Can you add to your post WHO needs to see that a boy needs his father? Because if it's the FATHER, then there's something really wrong with this picture. If the father needs to be shown that his son should live with him, then the boy should NOT be living with him.

I want to throw out that if the boy lives with the father, it doesn't follow that the father (your ex?) will agree, no matter how much you want it or believe it. If the boy is yours (I'm unclear...) you could give up the boy and then have your ex pushing the courts for the girl too...

Are both parents remarried? Where are his biological siblings/siblings he's lived with his entire life?

I think having a strong male presence in a boy's life is important, but so is having a strong female presence. A boy needs his mom just as much as a girl does.

Ask your son who he wants to live with and why. It's definitely not healthy for him to move back and forth every couple of years, so he will need help in making the right decision.

If he chooses to stay with you, look into a program like Big Brothers/Sisters. Find a Big Brother for him that he likes - someone he can talk to about guy stuff and do guy things with. Make sure he has plenty of opportunities to talk to his dad on the phone - in private, if you think there are things he won't want you to hear.

Does his father want full custody of him? Is he ready to take that on? Sounds like there will need to be a lot more conversations between the three of you to really determine what's best for your son.

I hear about more and more people doing this lately. I don't have any advice to give, but I'm anxious to see what others say.

I don't know that I can do it, but I can see your logic.