Question for Moms of Special Needs Kids

Our son has combined-type ADHD and significant processing delays. We've started him on medication, which is helping marvelously. My time with our son, both doing homeschool or other activities, has been much improved as well as his sense of self.

My husband had a hard time with slowing down to Kiddo's speed -- and being *okay* with it. It's hard for him. He came from a fairly stern family, was in the military as an officer,is head of his department at work--- he has lived a long time with the expectation that when he gives a direction, people listen and do it. I've had to work on my end to create routines which allow our boy time to transition (which is hard for him, period) and allow my husband to be doing other things so he isn't frustrated. Also, Kiddo can only really handle receiving simple directions from one person at a time. This means that I sometimes am the one doing the direct parenting even though we are both present. I've had to work with my husband to not overwhelm Kiddo with information or directions ... one person giving directions is fine, two people makes Kiddo anxious. He is then in a situation where there are two people to attend to, two adults to please.... So, again, I tend to take the lead in this regard.

I know my husband dearly loves us. Sometimes, yes, it feels like my husband and I don't get a break together. We have made a choice to have a family far away from our own families (we were both living here when we met, it wasn't a reaction to family). So, most of our time is spent together as a family. We do take time to get a sitter or swap care with another family, but by and large, much of our time is family time.

One thing I think has really helped, besides pulling Kiddo out of a bad and stressful school situation, has been our choice of divide-and-conquer when it comes to life in general. I am the ADHD expert in the house and share information that is pertinent to helping our son. I am the one in charge of the domestic sphere. My husband's job is very demanding, requiring late nights and on-call work at times on the weekends, so having me being the steady hand at the tiller to navigate home life takes stress off of him. I'm proud of him, too, that he's been willing to adapt, to really try to change his expectations for what's reasonable given who Kiddo is and his abilities. I've also changed some of my expectations of my husband-- I understand that, for him, playing a video game for 30 minutes is a great way to blow off the stress of the workday so I plan around that. I think, in past years, it's been really hard at times, but things keep getting better. All we can do is all we can do, right? I'm lucky. :)

My husband is in a high pressure job...district manager in sales with a team of agents. We have seen a counselor and basically because my husband is high stress, he needs to de-stress. The counselor said he needed to go fishing or the park, or whatever, just so when he comes home he's in a 'better' mood.

If he doesn't do this? Then he picks on every little thing the kids do, or more like don't do and then him and I get into a fight and then no one is happy. He's learning also to pick his battles and to mentally let go of his work issues before he gets home.

Its hard for him tho because that's how he is built. None of us can flip a switch and just change over night but at least he was willing to seek help so we could all be happy at home. Not every day is perfect but he's learning better to juggle everything. And I have stepped up and gotten the house more organized so the things that used to bother him aren't an issue anymore.

It's a team effort. Kids too. But it needs to get under control before it really gets out of hand. Then he is resentful and then you are and the kids can feel that and it's not good. So I hope you guys can figure it out. Lots of families go through it, whether there Spec Ed kids or not. Good luck!

My husband sees a therapist monthly to deal with his issues with our son. I made him do it and it's helped him a lot. We also go to the therapist together periodically to talk about our son's challenges and their impact on us.

Having a child with special needs can grind you into the ground. It's important to find coping strategies. For me, I take a weekly yoga class to destress for an hour.

Everyone responds to stress differently. Special needs parents have highest divorce rates. Engaging in self care should be a priority. I have a coworker with severely disabled son, he blamed himself and went through dark time. He said he found God and became deeply religious, then started working out a lot, and found a community of other parents. He would go home to have lunch with his wife everyday just so they could have alone time.