Question About Discipline for a 10 Year Old Lying

To keep the balance, I would suggest being really, really happy with her when ever she tells the truth.

If you haven't, please check out this article:
http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

Page Three of that article cites something I found inspiring, which is that when two groups of children were exposed to two differing kinds of literature about lying (one group: George Washington and the Cherry Tree, where Washington's father is happy for the truth, even if it is bad; the second group: The Boy Who Cried Wolf, which we can all agree doesn't end well). The group who was exposed to the idea that parents were happy with the truth, even in bad circumstances, were later proven to lie LESS than the other group.

Our kids want to make us happy.

"I'm really glad that you told me there was a problem and that you met with the principal. However, I'm really confused, because THIS is what your principal said happened....."

I know you are angry. I can tell by the harsh "I was going to take everything away from her and she will only have her bed, dresser and clothes in her room."

Are you afraid she's going to become someone who lies constantly?

I think losses of privilege are the most effective consequences for lying, personally. I wouldn't clear her room of her possessions, but instead look at consequences closer to the problem that the lie is about. My son is five and he knows that he can tell me the truth about anything and that we will handle the problem or mistake he's made. When he has lied, I explain to him how confusing it is, what the problem might be/might have been (because of the miscommunication/deceit), what the consequence is, and then I wrap with "remember, if you tell me what's true and what really happened, we can take care of the problem. I want to help you with that."

Here's an example I've used before: a few months ago, my son was sneaking water 'potions' (think toothpaste, soap and chalk mixed together, gross) into his room and placing them under his bed to hide them. This resulted in a loss of a privilege (staying up after stories to look at books, which he loves) for a few days. Three weeks later it came up again--he was caught with a potion in his room and I asked him if there were others-- I also explained that I needed to know because if they got knocked over, they could ruin the carpet.

He lied. Maybe he forgot, I don't know. But there was another container. I cleared out everything from under his bed and explained that if he couldn't be honest with me and keep the water in the bathroom, that was a problem. The privilege of getting water for himself at night was taken away for a week and because he 'wasn't making good choices' the privilege of staying up for the extra 30 minutes went away too. AND I reminded him that when he tells me 'what's real, what truly happened' that it makes me happy.

I model that too. When he fake-coughs and asks for motrin (he likes the taste), I ask him "So, are you asking for motrin because your throat hurts, or is it because your tongue likes the taste?" Each and every time he tells the truth and I give him a hug, thank him for being honest and why (because we don't want to give him medicine when he's not sick) and then tell him that he might have a sweet something the next day. And I follow through.

So, the point of this long tale is simply that to keep balance, you really need to let them know how happy you are when she does tell you the truth--even about the small things--and how glad you are to help her solve her problem because you know about it. I've said to my son a couple times "Wow! I'm so glad I know, and I'll bet you will be too. What if I had just given you that tiny taste of motrin tonight and no treat tomorrow because I thought you might be sick?! That would have been a real bummer!"

Lastly, having been the kid that lied to save her hide when I was young, I'll tell you that punishing them into being good isn't a great tactic. I would actually give her small jobs which she can do to 'earn' your trust back. one example--At a familiar store, you can give her a few dollars to buy a necessary item for you-- you wait in the car with some excuse-- and ask her for a receipt and the change. When she does that for you and hands you back the proper amount of change, praise this. "I'm so glad I could trust you to do this for me. Thanks." (don't rehash the old stuff at this point.)

Kids will either live up or down to our expectations of them. Continue to talk about how trust affects your relationships with each other when it's the right time, in the moment, and I caution against making her feel like she's a bad or horrible person. She made a mistake that every kid makes, so focus as much as you can on wanting to help her fix those mistakes. But in my opinion, taking everything away from her will only push her away and create more distance, not draw her closer, and that is what you want her to do. To know she is loved, valuable and worthy of your trust and interest. Then she can rise to the occasion.

I think a warning is enough. She came clean, and you should focus on the honesty involved in coming clean.

I would let her know that you prefer honesty in the first place...that it shouldn't take a call from the principal to make her come clean.

In the future, be sure punishments fit the crime. Taking all her stuff doesn't fit the crime of lying, but not allowing her to do something on her own that you previously trusted her to do might. "I can't allow you to ride your bike to the ________ because you violated my trust by lying to me. How do I know you will be where you say you are? So you aren't going there for a while."

Then, let her earn it back slowly. "Okay, you can go to _______, but you have to call me when you get there, check in every hour, and come back at ______."

The point is that she needs to understand that an untrustworthy person's every move is scrutinized, and a trustworthy person has lots of freedom to do as they like. SHE chooses what kind of person she will be.

HTH.

♥
C. Lee

In a way it feels she was trying to come clean to you, or perhaps she thought that the principal would come to you anyway.

Regardless, it sounds as though she tried to come clean, however, leaving out a big part of the story.

It doesn't sound like she is being a habitual liar but that sometimes its just human nature that we can't admit the truth. I think you did ok. I'm always unsure about how to punish lying to. Maybe perhaps you can explain what will happen if you catch her in a lie again. I try to tell my kids the punishment will be 10 times worse. (Mine are still young yet though, so we'll see how this goes.)

Why did you daughter tell you? Because she wanted you to know. She wanted you to get involved. "I did something I shouldn't have done, and I don't know how to come out and tell you I did it, but I want you in on this because I'm really over my head right now!"

Keep the communication lines open. Reward open, honest (truthful) communication from your daughter. Model truthfulness for her! She's ten years old - she is starting to be more influenced by her peers. She needs a model of truthfulness and courage to help counteract what she may see and hear. Keep the lectures to a minimum. Invite questions.

The clearing out of the room? Maybe you could use that for humorous purposes. "I'm so glad that incident is over and you're trustworthy... because if I really had to clear everything out of your room I don't know where I'd put it!" Nevertheless, if it were to happen again, you might have to bring it back up: "Do I need to clear out your room? Will you help me do it? How long should it be empty?" Kids have a good sense of justice; if they believe they're being treated fairly, they'll even help with the consequences at times.

***It's a few hours later. I kept trying to remember something I wanted to refer you to about honesty, and I finally realized what I wanted to find. Does your daughter like to read? In Laura Ingalls Wilder's BY THE BANKS OF PLUM CREEK, there's a chapter in which Laura - who is a pretty spunky kid - defies her pa's orders and goes where she was told not to go. She gets a scare out of it, but her parents don't have a clue until she realizes she is deceiving them by her silence. Her pa comes up with a good consequence. Perhaps you and your daughter could read it (Chapter 5) together - NOT as a punishment, but for insight into how hard it can be to be honest all the time but why it's a good thing to do.

I think you have to make sure you don't give a threat you don't want to follow through on. You told her what the consequence was and now you want to renege on it. I catch myself doing the same thing sometimes and have had to follow through on stuff that I did not want to but I also did not want to go back on my word. DH does this ALL the time. For example we just found out that our DS9 is trying to get lice at school so that he can stay home as he hates school. DH told me to tell him that he is going to bring him to the barber and shave all his hair off (he has longer hair for a boy). Pretty sure DH is not going to follow through on this so there is no way I am going to tell DS that.

Sometimes I have a talk with them and say that I may change the punishment because of xyz if they do 123 kind of thing to get out of it. :)

Ask her what she thinks her punishment should be. As strange as it sounds kids usually punish themselves more when asked...