Putzy Potty Training...

This has turned into a power struggle between you two. She is going to the potty at school - so it looks like this is a way to make Mom mad.

It's time to back off & not worry about it. There is no magic age when they "should" be trained. Save your battles for bigger issues. At the time my daughter was trained, it did seem like forever, but in retrospect it wasn't.

For my daughter, we put the potty chair in from of the TV in the morning, she would sit on it until she went potty. She went to all day daycare & they were really good about having the kids sit on the potty.
Every time I had to go, she would come w/ me & try also, esp if we were out of the house. Sitting on the potty also became a before bath & before beth ritual.

She will want to be like her friends soon & if her friends use the toilet, she will want to also.

Good luck!!

I totally understand your frustration! My dd whom turned 3 in October also refuses to potty train. She is also very independent and a bundle of energy. She has a fear of big potties so I bought her one of those inserts to put into the potty to make it the right size for her. I have also tried rubber pants and undies. I will ask her if she has to pee and she says "NO!" Then she proceeds to pee her pants!
She doesn't tell me when she has to go and is content to sit in a wet or dirty pull up. I bought a egg timer and set it for every 15 minutes. Regardless of if she has to pee or not she has to sit on the potty for a few minutes. She goes to school in Sept. So I have to have her potty trained soon! We are going to continue with the egg timer. I will let you know how that works.

Sorry - I don't have any good advice for you - but I did get a good chuckle out of your story. Likewise - I had a daughter who was exactly like this. And 'Too smart for her own britches' is exactly the right description!! We tried everything under the sun, and that girl would not go, on the potty, if she didn't want to!!

We even videoed her sitting on the potty throwing a tantrum, because she didn't want to go 'On the potty'. Mind you she was 4 at this time!! We thought showing her how silly she looked would get her to go. But - no ....... nothing worked. Until one day, right before she started preschool - she just decided she was going to do it - and she did - no looking back!!! It was in her head that no one was going to force her to do it until she was ready!

She is almost 15 now and loves watching those videos of herself! She can't believe how stubborn she was! Of course, now at age 15, we are dealing with a whole different side of stubborness and independence - but - that is a whole new chapter of life awaiting you!!! Good Luck!! Don't lose faith in her - one day - everything will just click right and it will only be forward from there!

Hi J.,

This sounds incredibly frustrating.

What I recommend to moms when the kid is 3 or 4 and it's at this point is to simply make potty training a "non-issue". Stop the rewards/incentives and punishments. They're not working for her, and this gives her a lot of control over the situation. She can show you that she doesn't care about your stickers, or that she doesn't want to go to an activity that requires her to be potty-trained, or whatever the case may be.

Have one, final potty conversation with your daughter. Tell her that she is 3, almost 4, and she needs to be going in the toilet, plain and simple. Tell her that if she decides to go in her pants, the consequence is that she must wash out her clothing and then take a short bath or shower. Make this routine as elaborate and cumbersome as possible without being cruel. She WILL get sick of scrubbing her own poopy underwear, but it could take several weeks or even months. Ask your daycare and anyone else who is taking care of her to support this consequence as much as is practical.

I would continue to give her "potty reminders" throughout the day, but that should be the extent to which you discuss the toilet. I also wouldn't *ask* her if she needs to use the potty, I would *tell* her: "It's time to go sit on the potty." If she refuses, remind her, in a calm voice and rather matter-of-factly, that she if she goes in her pants, she will have to wash her clothes and take a bath.

The whole point here is that this can become a huge control and attention issue for the child, and once they see that they are going to get ZERO reaction out of you, and that you no longer care about the situation, they will find it in themselves to things done. This is a trying time for you, but just remember that all kids master potty-training by the time they leave for college. ;-)

One side note, is to give your daughter lots of POSITIVE attention. When there is this type of friction in the home, sometimes it is hard to be around the child or to be patient with them in other matters. Find some time to do some fun activities and remind your daughter every day of how much you love her.

By your post your daughter is clearly ready and able to do this. This may sound harsh but do you discipline for saying "no" when you ask her to try or for making a "mess". I would not recommend this if she were 2-3 years but she is at an age of some accountability, especially in the area of potty! My 2 1/2 year old is trained and had a bit of regression due to just plain laziness...not wanting to stop/interrupt the current task (playing dolls, eating a snack, taking a bath, etc) to take the time to "go". We found the only solution to be a swat or time out for "not trying" when asked, for saying "no" when asked and for making a mess. This has worked beautifully for us and she is right back on track. Not to say she's perfect becasue she still tests us sometimes because she is a toddler trying to establish her independence but a stern statement of "Your choices are....try to go potty or get a swat" or "If you choose not to go potty then you are choosing a time-out" usually does the trick. Hope this is helpful. And know that many go thru this struggle. I have yet to see a child go to kindergarten in diapers so don't sweat it. She will come around.

Hi J.,
It can be frustrating. I have a son with Down syndrome and had him day trained before his 4th birthday. It took about a year, but we learned a lot. The methods we used with him were also used with his younger sister, who pretty much potty trained herself at 21 months.

I agree with the earlier posts in that she is controlling the situation. It sounds like this has been on and off and inconsistent, which can be confusing as to what the expectation is.
I would change your timing to 45 minutes and when she is on the potty, don't stay any longer than 2 to 3 minutes. If she doesn't go, set your timer and try again next time. If she has an accident in between, don't get mad, talk about where she is supposed to go, put her on the potty and have her do the clean up.
You have to be very consistent that she is expected to go on the potty - no if, ands, or buts. Put her in underwear and don't look back. Make a special date and let her pick out her own "big girl" undies at the store.

Good luck.

maybe every half hour is too much and she is resenting being interrupted when she may or may not have anything to put in the potty? Our oldest did not potty train till after 3 as well. Similar personality--VERY smart, VERY stubborn, VERY indpendent. One day we offerred to take her to A&W for an ice cream cone if she went potty. She tried 3 times before any pee came out; it was only a few drops, but I witnessed it and we loaded her up in the car and went to A&W at 8:15 at night. From then on she did GREAT! Have NO IDEA why that worked and none of the other "bribes" didn't. And interestingly, she was night trained within a few weeks and only had one or 2 small pee accidents when too busy/distracted. Once she got it, she got it! Good Luck, your little one will "get it" too!

My daughter has been really hard to train also, it took us over a year; we tried EVERYTHING! I was getting so frustrated and I think she was enjoying the extra attention even though most of it was negative. What has worked the best for us is saying this to her over and over again: IF you need to go poo or pee YOU need to use the potty ONLY....this statement is putting all the responsibility on the child and I know it sounds to simple but it really works. When your child has an accident, remind them to listen to their body, try to stay calm/quiet and have your child clean up the mess,(I would clean up after her but didn't let her see me doing this :) again its make her responsible for her behavior and she didn't like cleaning up the mess!! When she did get to the bathroom in time, we rewarded her with M & M's and words of positive reinforcement. I hope this is helpful and good luck, this too will pass!!!