Public Behavior

I actually have my stroller in the car at all times so when we go to stores that don't have carts to put my son in. My son is 3 and he thinks it is funny to run from mommy too. So I don't take that chance and make him sit in a stroller. I hope this helps you out. Good luck to you.

I know this will sound off the wall and you will probably get many comments, but please, please, put a harness on that boy! My son was the same way and had to wear a harness for two years. He is 27 and alive today because of it. Be strong and ignore the idiots who think it's wrong. It can literally save his life.

Oh A., how scary for you. What kind of repurcustions did he recieve for his behavior because from the sound of his response it may not of been harsh enough. You have to decide your parenting style and type of punishment that works for each child are different, I can only share what we do and hope it helps you a little.

I have a 3 1/2 year old little girl. We talk a lot about good and bad choices and how my daughter gets to make the choice but has no say in consequences. She often gets rewards for good behaior in a store or if we have had a lot of errands to run. She knows her choices directly relate to whether or not she will get the reward which could be anything from riding one of the quarter rides to a piece of candy to getting to watch her favorite cartoon when we get home. If she had chosen to run away and hide while I ran around frantically searching for her in a store we would probably of sat down right then and there, told her about how scary, dangerous and bad that choice was. We would of given her a time out right there in the store. Then we would "ground her" from several things she loves, at this time it would proably be TV and her my little ponies for a week. She would of had to hold our hand for the remainder of the time we spent in that store. The grounding works well for us because everytime she asks to play with ponies or watch her shows we use it as a time to talk about the choice she made and the reason why she cannot do those things... it makes the fact that this was a really bad choice more ingrained and gives us a chance to talk about things slowly like the dangers involved and have her tell us what would of been a better choice.

I think because he really isn't seeng how dangerous this behavior was you are going to have to be pretty strict with him for a set amount of time, anytime you are out in public and remind him why he has to ride in the cart or hold your hand, when he sees his choices are impacting him, he will start to make better choices. I personally feel like it is important to reward good behavior and reenforce good choices as much as it is vital to curb bad choices. I hope some of that helped.

My last suggestion is to look at the library or book store for parenting books that help you be consistent and fit your parenting style.

Dear A.,

Have you heard of "Love and Logic"? It's a GREAT parenting course. The video recording titled "Love and Logic Solutions" has a section "Public Behavior" in which Jim Fay tells what to do in situations just like the one you described with your son. I happen to have this set of videos checked out of the Davis County Library right now and I watched that section yesterday.

I did a search at SLC library to see if this video is available there. No luck, although they have many other books and tapes by the Love and Logic Institute. However, no matter where you live in the state, your city/county library should be able to get these video tapes for you on an inner library loan from Davis County.

The books are good, but hearing Jim Fay's 'languaging' over and over on the videotapes really helps it sink in and teaches the brain in a way that reading a book can't. I think it's much more effective, and also takes a lot less time as you can watch while you cook dinner,etc. He is very entertaining, and watching him is also very comforting as you begin to realize that there IS a solution to your problem and it's not nearly as difficult as you had imagined. Immediately, you feel supported and not so alone.

Also, depending on where you live, various county agencies offer free, or inexpensive, Parenting with Love and Logic courses. Also, I just checked the L&L website and there is a 1-day conference with Jim Fay in SLC on March 10. You can also get a lot of support from the website and find many of their books/tapes on Amazon and eBay. I would always recommend either video or audio tape, as as using the program successfully is dependent on using certain language effectively. You'll understand what I mean when you see the videos.

I was a single mother of 3 for many years. I wish that I had known about L&L during those years. I know it would have made all of our lives much easier, as it would have helped me be a much more effective parent. My children are grown now and doing very well. I am working as an educational consultant to help teachers with problems in their classrooms. L&L principles hold true for all ages and all situations, home or classroom. The best situation is parents and teachers working together with L&L.

I hope this is a help to you. Feel free to email me if you would like.

Best wishes,
S.

I had really good luck with the safe side video created by John Walsh. My youngest was 3 when we watched it the first time and he is 4 1/2 now and still brings up things from the video now and again. It really stuck in his mind. I bought mine at my local christian family book store but you could probably get them anywhere even online. Good Luck!

I would figure out a way that instead of him hiding and you being worried let him know what it feels like if you hide or do something so that he is away from you and trying to find you. He should get worried that he has lost you and can't find you and then he might realize that what he is doing is not right and that it scares you. I am all for tough love.

My children have always been pretty good about going into stores. I tell my children exactly what to expect. If my children start to get out of hand, I will ask them "do you want to go to the bathroom?" My children know that that means it is time for a spanken. I don't believe in public humiliation, but I do believe you lay down the law and follow through or else it is a joke to you and your kids. I think as long as you are consistent that your child will respect and trust you.

I have 3 boys under the age of 15 and I have to say I haven't had to deal with this kind of behavior. The reason why is that from around the age of 1 we have not tolerated fits, disrespect or disobedience. My boys all went through times where they would test the boundaries of what they could ge t away with, but as soon as they knew that their behavior would not be tolerated, it stopped. You have to follow through and be consistent on discipline. Kids learn through punishment. I believe what the bible says and that is Spare the rod, spoil the child. I know there is much controversy on spanking, but I have 3 of the greatest and most obedient boys and we have always used spanking as our primary discipline. They are always warned first and then if they choose to disobey us again after that, then we follow through. They will not respect you if you do not do what you say!! Next time I would leave the store and take him home and discipline. We have had to leave Target stores to take care of discipline issues. Hope this helps!

My son is 11 now but when he was 4 he thought it was great to hid in the clothes rack- so one time I followed him around and made sure he couldnt see me- then when he started to get upset because he had lost mommy then - that was when I could make my point and tell him how sad he and I would both be if we lost one another- he did get the hint!
good luck!

I agree with the leash theory! My four year old son is just like that. He was almost hit in a parking lot after running away from me. I bought the leash and I take it in stores with me. If he wanders at all, the leash goes on. It has a picture of elmo on it so we call it his special elmo belt. I explained that he wore it so that I wouldn't loose him because I love him so much that I would cry if he were gone. The worst punnishment for a child is making their mommy cry! My brother critisizes the leash, but I too would rather have the child and the critisism, then no child. My son hardly ever has to wear it any more. I think that they are wonderful inventions! I sometimes have to threaten my 7 year old with it too!

First let me assure you that all children at one point or another do just that, it is fun and they think they are invincible(sp). Try to role play with him about "stranger danger" and how easily an adult could walk up and snatch him, this helps a lot with my little ones, it lets them see and feel just how small they really are, be rough but not so much as to hurt him, teach him to scream kick and yell, so that he has some clue as to how to help himself in that kind of situation.

I always let my children know exactly what is expected of them before we enter the store....no running, stay by my side no yelling ect,. you think they already know this but they are little and a little reinforcement can go a long way, they also get a treat if they are good, can be big or small, but as long as they know in advance they will usually behave, I say usually because they are young and still learning always will be, and if they don't behave we leave and they get nothing, sometimes I don't either but it is more important that they understand the consequences then it is that I get what I need, I can always go back and pick it up. Good luck.

With my kids, I would tell them how I expected them to behave while still in the parking lot. I told them not to ask for anything, to stay right by me, ect. I works still to this day. When they know what to expect then they can do what you want. I had a plan for it they disobeyed and it really does work. My youngest was two at the time. My oldest was five. Good luck and remember consistancy is the key.

ya know.. i at first thought that this was posted by the lady i saw lastnight at kohls with a 3-4 year old that ran away from i think a sibling(11 ish) and the mom was in tears. they called a code yellow and the door was blocked and workers took off looking for him. the mom i saw was in tears. but they found him quicker than 15 minutes. but then i saw you weren't here in omaha..lol
i have two 3 year olds right now(70 days of the year they are the same age).. and i am anticipating the time when this happens to us as well.
the one time my son, the oldest, did walk away from me in a parking lot as i was puting his sister in her seat,, and i thought a car was gonna hit him. but the person saw him. i about came unglued!! i know from life experiences that fear and anger are close feelings and that sometimes we all can get angry when what we are really feeling is fear. so i try to be genuine with what i'm feeling. so at that moment when that happened i did cry out of fear once i got ahold of my son, instead of getting angry at him. i think that worked best with him. he could see my fear and sadness. which i think hit him harder than just mommy being loud or angry,, once again..lol lol

i've heard that the role playing that was mentioned is a good tool. i've had a talk with some other moms that i think a moms business needs to be started where a mom hires another mom or dad of the business to 'entice' the said child to give them the impression of what a stranger is and along what role playing can give but with somone they don't know. but i'm not sure that type of business could get off the ground. but it would be an idea a few of us moms wishes was around.
i know there area few books i have seen or heard of,, once when i was looking for ideas for my two as well.
you won't believe how well behaved my two are when i do remember to remind them of what is expected of them in a store, prior to going inside.
at the grocery store they both have to be in the cart and their reward is they get to get out when i'm in the check out..
good luck,, it's hard and scary....

My best advice would be to leave him home until he outgrows it. It would be worth a baby sitter not to have to go thru that with him. As he matures he should realize that he can't whip all the bad guys!

I saw something in a store that I thought was quite innovative. It looked a little like a car lock remote but it had a little thing you attatch to your child. Then if they run away you press your remote and the part on the child beeps so you can find them. I don't know how close they have to be to you for it to work, but, having been in your situation before (in Kohl's even--and they did the code thing and had me watching the doors), I thought that little thing was great idea!
What is it about KOHL'S?
I saw some other great suggestions here, too. I hope you find something that works. I think the letting them know how worried you are when you can't find them is a good thing.
Good luck!
M.

One thing that has helped with my children is to tell them exactly what I expect of them while we're in the store. Especially my 4 year old because she doesn't always get to ride in the cart since I have a 2 year old and a 9 month old. The times when I forget to lay down the ground rules, they don't act anything like I want them to. They also know that if they do misbehave, especially after being told what we expected of them, they get something taken away--a special toy, movies, treats, getting to go to the store, etc.

Good luck! I was raised by a single mom so my heart goes out to you!

Little ones do this kind of thing because it seems fun for them and they're bored. The easiest thing (besides leaving them home with someone else!) is to make sure they have fun in a safe way instead.

One thing that works well with my kids when they're that age is to bring a little spiral notebook and pen and give them assignments. I make up a different one each time. Maybe I'll list the alphabet in 3 rows and ask them to put a check next to each letter as they spot something that starts with that letter. Or maybe draw 10 things and ask them to spot those as we shop.

It also helps when I engage my kids in the shopping. I ask their opinions about this color versus that one, ask them to spot where the socks are, whatever. They like to feel helpful. We also sometimes quietly sing silly songs and such. We've also played games like "would you rather" (would you rather give up chocolate or french fries, would you rather be a fire fighter or movie star and so on), 20 questions, etc.

The bottom line is that shopping is BORING, especially for small kids with such short attention spans. Do explain the safety rules but follow up by giving them something to do instead. Good luck!

I never hesitate to leave a store (with groceries in cart, clothes in cart-wherever we are) if my kids start to act out. I have only had to do this twice. I make it clear to my kids (4 yrs and 20 months) before going anywhere that we are running errands, they need to stay in the cart (or hold on the cart with one hand with my four yr old), and that they need to be on their best behavior otherwise they don't get the privledge of coming with me. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works nights, so I have to take my kids with me wherever I go. The key with them is making it sound like they are missing out if they don't come with me. As long as they stay in the cart (or hand on the cart) they can help me look for items on my list (like a treasure hunt) and I have brought snacks for them when I know it will be a long outing so I have back up when they get a little restless. They also know that I am serious about picking up and leaving if either of them act out. The other thing I taught my kids is that they don't want to wander away from me. For ex, the minute my daughter starts to wander away from the cart because she wants to look at something, all I have to tell her is "bye, I am leaving" and that ges her hand back on the cart in a heart beat. I was given the following advice when I was pregnant with my first. "You don't leave home, until your kids are ready to be out in public" I thought it was crazy, since you can't be homebound forever. However it does make sense, if your kids are having a bad day or acting out. I have found it's not worth dragging them out to get a couple of errands done. You'll lose your sanity - quick! But make it clear to them THEY are missing out and until their behavior changes they can't go with you. Most of the time this will change how they act in public. It can be inconveinent, but kids can be that way somtimes. I know there is no right answer since each kid is different. It's just trial and error until you find out what works for you and your child. Good luck and I hope this helps. We all go through it!

You know I have a 3 & 1/2 year old daughter and a five year old son... When either one of them misbehaves in any way at the store I do what my mother always did. I put there little butts in the cart. They stay in the cart at every single store until they understand their behavior and I think they deserve to try again. Nothing is ever worth the risk of someone taking them, or some store locking itself down cause your kid is missing and is really just hiding somewhere. Works for me. My son might pitch a small fit and say he will behave and be a big boy... but he very quickly see's it wasn't acceptable and being good is better than riding in a cart! LOL!

my almost 4 year old does this too. It is very scary and after she realizes I was scared she is sorry, but I don't want it to get to that point. I too put her in the cart and make her stay there. I have also gotten a backpack that has a "leash". While some people think it is wrong to put a child on a leash, I would much rather have my child safe with me then worry what they think! I have also started a sticker chart and I give poker chips in a jar for behaving in stores as well as doing her chores. Once she fills the jar she gets a treat. Either a small toy or a special meal out, whatever appeals to your child. Good luck, I know what you are going through!