Protecting Myself

question: why would you invite him back in if you've obviously got that much fear that he'll flake out again?? Why in the heck would you even risk your heart AND YOUR CHILDREN/S hearts until you are S-U-R-E he's going to stay, until you're sure he's determined, changed, dedicated?

if it were me (or if i were giving advice - i THINK i'd do it this way) i would make him 'date me' for at least-at LEAST- 6 to 12 mos. that would give you more assurance and should prove to you that he's got the discipline and responsibility to actually BE a husband again.

i would probably register that separation paper, to prove to him that he has to walk the straight line. i would suggest you not let him back into the house, keep separate accounts (you take the money!!) you could also go thru the divorce and then remarry if and only if he proves to you (like he did the first time)that he's 100% in for good.

Please think hard about reconiling. What brought you to this point? Did you both go to counseling before separating? If so, was he receptive? Did he change his ways only to go back to his old ways?
You don't mention how old your son is but I've heard and seen so many children of divorced parents that they wish their parents had divorced sooner. As parents, we try to stay together for the children and they don't usually want that OR are too young to understand what it all means and why.
Sounds like there is some financial issue involved here-it took my SIL 10 years to clear her husbands debt because they had joint everything. You are equally responsible for debt even if you didn't make it or benefit from it. My brother was the same way. His wife left him a huge debt and the courts deemed him responsible to repay it (it was HER higher education of Masters and PhD!!) and their house.
find out what your state says as well. NC is 366 days filed papers separation before a divorce can be filed! Can't live in the house during that time at all. I'm in GA and have no clue what this state says.
My gut says stay OFF his credit cards..keep your own separate on as much as you can. Keep separate monies if you can-at least keep some in an account that you can get to if your marriage does dissolve. For the sake of the children try to at least have them in his Will and you on the Life Insurance.
Good Luck and God Bless

P.,

There seems to be a trust issue and getting to the root of it should help. Since you've not actually decided as yet whether or not you're taking him back, now is a good time to think why you would take him back, under what conditions, guidelines, rules and consequences. This is the perfect time for an inner healing class for the both of you that would enable both of you to dig deep and digging deep would show you how to proceed. Don't know whether you are a woman of the world or of God however with God all things are possible. Ask Him for guidance and He would give it to you and no matter what anyone says, it's your marriage and your life.

I hope that you can work everything out with your husband. Counseling with a good "faith" based counselor is the best advice I can give you.
I know that forgiveness is hard and sometimes seems impossible. I believe it is impossible without faith.
The best book I ever read on forgiveness was "Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagizia. Forgiveness is very freeing. I had the good fortune to have met Immaculee and she is a beautiful person. I believed that if she could forgive so could I.
I pray that you are able to build up that trust again. Your son is so worth every sacrifice that will be made.
Pray for strength everyday. Ask God to allow you to see your husband as He sees him... a loved, forgiven sinner.
I understand your desire to protect yourself. It is very human a reaction. Love is not a "feeling" or a noun it is a verb. Your love for each other has the opportunity to grow stronger through this trial. That is the stuff from which "real" and authentic love is made. If you are a reader you may also consider reading "Familiaris Consortio" - God's Plan for Marriage and Family. This was a wonderful eye opener for me.
I know my advice is counter cultural but it is real lived advice. My girlfriend is from a divorced family and the effects lasts a lifetime. The other best advice I have is to do a "Retrouvaille" weekend together before everything becomes permanent. This will show you how to communicate effectively and give you a better perspective on where your husband is at this point.
God Bless!

Just a quick note on life insurance. I'm not sure whether it's mandated by the insurance company, the state, etc., but there is often a form that must be signed and certified by the spouse saying that you acknowledge that someone else will be named the beneficiary. I'd say check the policy if you're worried about it.

I'm not sure how you would go about protecting yourself and the children financially. The best advice I can give you is to contact a lawyer and get advice from someone who knows. I read some of the other comments and it bothered me they were quick to say things to discourage you from giving your marriage a second chance. I am not separated, but have found out that my husband emotionally cheated on me with a co-worker. We are in counseling and things are getting better. No one ever said that "marriage" was easy. It is hard work and love endures all things. It is possible for everything to workout and your marriage can be stronger if you both are truly committed. You are right to want to protect yourself and your children. I've been told to open a savings and/or checking in my own name and start putting a little bit each pay period in it. I have not done this b/c for now my focus is on "us" and re-building trust. Truly the one saving grace for me is my faith in God and friends who are praying for me and my marriage. The power of prayer is amazing. Good luck!

I believe I'd reconsider being married to someone from whom I had to protect my assets and my child.

If his name is on the account, he can still clear it out without your knowledge. He can change his life insurance beneficiary easily. Should you decide to take him back, it would be wise to have your own bank account into which all of your money is deposited, and a joint account that you use to pay bills, transferring in the amount to cover those bills and no more.

I don't know how long you've been seperated but SC law says you have to be for a year before the divorce will be granted. You and your hubby are to use this time to seperate your maritial assets, child arrangements, etc. But since you didn't fill yours in court, you will be back to square one if you decide things don't work out this time. There is nothing to protect you unless it is filled with the court. And even then, it might be iffy.

But you seem very unsure about bringing him back into your life as a husband. You didn't say why you two seperated in the first place and it really doesn't matter. But in my opinion, you need to step back and reevaluate the situation and ask yourself why you want him back. You sound very unsure of yourself. For the kids, the help around the house, financially, sex, championship?? I know it sucks to be a single mom. I did it for the first 3yrs of my daughter's life. But I survived, made the best with what I had, went without for myself, got what benefits I could from the state and managed to buy a house!!

Good luck and show your kids what a strong woman looks like and leave him on the other side of the door!

S.

You really need to talk to a lawyer. You must be smart and protect yourself and your son. Don't get all wrapped up in emotion and let disaster happen.

if you are in the state of georgia, go to college. The state pretty much hands you a free education through the georgia lottery. train for a job that makes good money, and if he turns out to be sorry again you will be prepared.

plus marriage counseling might help.