Protect Your Kids

I was just thinking about this after watching Jaycee Dugard be interviewed by Diane Sawyer last week. I find that if I watch the news and hear those stories it will bother me for weeks or even months. As a parent you will always be filled with worry. I think its the hardest part of being a parent.

I know what you mean!!!! We live on a busy street so I try not to take my eyes off them when they're outside. I never take my eyes off them when we're near water. It gets so much easier the older they get!! Hang in there. :-)

Please read Free-Range Kids, How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)by Lenore Skenazy.

Most of the concerns we have are overblown by us watching our ratings-driven media. Our country's crime rates have been going steadily DOWN for the last three decades. Our world "these days" is absolutely as safe as it was for us in the 1970s. Fewer kids are dying, from any cause, than ever! Lenore Skenazy's book backs up these points with facts, and writes with humor.

"Stranger Danger" is a myth and teaching kids to be afraid of ALL strangers just puts them in more danger, as they will be afraid to ask for help of an adult when they need it. The vast majority of crimes against children are committed by people they know, not strangers. Instead teach about appropriate and inappropriate touching and other behaviors. Scaring our kids does not help them be safer.

Kids today are safer than they have ever been! Accidents, illnesses and even kidnappings are down. The news stories are blown WAY out of proportion. Of course tragedies still happen (like poor Jayce Duggard) but it is so, so rare.
Kids are way, way, way more likely to be hurt/molested by a trusted family member, family friend, coach, etc.
Use common sense. Talk to your kids about not going anywhere with an adult they don't know, especially if that adult is promising them some kind of treat. Talk to them about respecting their own (and other's) private parts, how no adult (other than the DR) should touch them there, and they should not touch another adult there. Let them know it's safe for them to come to you if you ever feel someone has asked them to do something that makes them uncomfortable.
Give your kids these basic tools, know where they are and who they are with at all times, that's the best you can do.

It's my philosophy that there are still (proportionally) the same number of "bad units" (perverts, idiots, pedophiles, etc) that there's always been.
The difference now is information overload. Between 24 hr news channels, internet news sites, ads on every website, the early news, the news, the late news, the late, late news, Twitter, Facebook, etc., I can hear (in Pittsburgh, PA) about a child molested in Seattle 20 minutes after the arrest is made.
Sooooo...I think the answer (for me, anyways) is to CHOOSE your news. What news, from what sources, how often, under what circumstances you watch, with who you watch, etc.
The information overload IS affecting everyone and, I believe, is creating a climate of fear (as you described) in the nation (world, maybe?).
Sure there are bad things happening all over the place.
Use reasonable caution with your kids in your life.

P.S. And I believe this overload is affecting everything from parental over cautiousness to politics, to religion, to consumerism.

Step back and just take a reality check of YOUR situation and YOUR kids from time to time!

Common sense and good luck, mostly. Despite what the media tells you (I know that story about that sweet 8 year old boy this week is UNREAL. That sort of thing is a freak situation with variables that would be impossible to predict. You can't let that make you live in fear IMHO) kids are safer today than in any other time in history. Crime rates against children are the lowest they've ever been in history.

It just seems like a more dangerous world because of how wonderfully easy global information is to obtain. The news reports every abduction like this because they are rare and unique and extraordinary (Just look at Jaycee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart)- thus they make great news!

Know where your kids are and who they are with. Know when they will be home. Know who is transportating them or around them on a regular basis (90% of crime towards children is committed by people they know!) Ask, ask, ask and be careful. Teach them what to do if they are lost or need help and you are not there. Teach them to back far away from any car that slows down near them. Use common sense, awareness and hope for a lot of good fortune. Deep breaths, momma. It's not as bad out there as we are being told it is.

(By the way, as a paramedic can I ask that we modify 'NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS'?How about "Never go with anywhere with a stranger" because we all have to interact with people we don't know on a regular basis. What if your child is lost and can't find a cop? They are going to have to talk to a stranger and they need those skills. They should just never GO with a stranger anywhere. If they are lost, the stranger can stand with them and call 911 right there. Let's teach common sense, not fear and paranoia that every soul out there is a threat)

www.freerangekids.com for a good dose of reality and calm.

Stranger-danger awareness is the obvious answer, and of course we do that, but I'm guessing you want something more?

My kids are 5 and 2, and we practice being aware of our surroundings. We play a game in the car - Find Something Interesting (which is challenging, when we drive the same routes almost every day - it means the kids really have to LOOK for new things - they are practicing looking for things that are out of place, without knowing that this is the first step to protecting yourself - the goal is that this eventually becomes second nature). My oldest daughter starts kindergarten in August, and we live so close to the school, that there is no bus for us. I INTEND to be there every day to walk her home, but things happen, so as a precaution we are also doing practice walks to and from the school, and I am having her identify landmarks and street names (though it's only two streets, I am certainly going to be darn sure she knows EXACTLY how to get home, and where NOT to go).

I am making sure my kids know their address. 911 operators used to be able to tell your location when you called, but that is very difficult with a cell. It's why we still have a landline, but should DD use the cell, I want to make sure she can tell them where the help needs to go.

We are also very friendly. The door greeters and baggers at our local grocery, the clerks at our favorite bookstore, the employees at our favorite indoor playplace all know me and my kids by sight. I don't leave them unattended, but again, it's not only friendly, it's backup. If my kids were to yell that something was wrong, the people who know them will believe them, because they can SEE my kids aren't with me. If it takes a village to raise a child, by golly, use that village.

STOP WATCHING THE NEWS!!!

I read the book mentioned below by Lenore Skenazy and it just reinforced how I was already trying to raise my kids. I don't teach "stranger danger"...strangers often save lives and bring a child to safety. Most kidnappings and sexual offenses happen at the hands of loved ones within the family or close friends.

I teach my kids there are bad people out there....in fact down right evil people. But...they are few and far between. There are far more good people out in the world!! We used the website to find out pedophiles in our area and were aware of where they lived. We talked to our kids about it all.

We teach them independence, life skills, give them outlets to grow self confidence and confidence in the world around them.

I don't live in fear of what might happen to my kids. Bad things happen but the world is actually safter today than in years past. The book sites the statistics...the news inflates stories and run them incessantly so it makes you think that this stuff is happening all the time.

Concerned is one thing but wrapping kids in bubble wrap, keeping them indoors and afraid to play outside or go around the corner away from M.'s eagle eye is not a healthy way to grow up.( I am not saying that is what you are doing..just a scenario of how many parents feel they need to be "in today's world") Concerned is a normal feeling to have. I feel concerned everyday I drop off my kids at school...but I let them go. Concerned is how I feel when I let them go to a new friend's house for a playdate..but I let them go. Concerned is how I feel when I let my son go into a public restroom alone...but I let him go.

Open communication with our children is so important. We try our darndest not to gasp or get angryand pounce on them when they tell us something we are upset,scared or disappointed about. This keeps them coming back to talk. We have discovered many useful info. that has helped keep them "protected". We once discovered a couple neighbor boys trying to touch our little girl...and they did but not too invasive yet. They told her not to tell us...guess what? She came right home and told us everything!! We marched right over to the house next door and the cops were called right away. Eventually we cut off all contact with the family because the boys continued with very sexual talk and we didn't want our kids even around that. Open communication is sooooo important!!

I don't know if I helped you at all with how not to be concerned these days. Best wishes!!

Read the book. It gives so many helpful hints at how to soften a parent's concern and slowly give kids more independence. I absolutely loved it. It is factual, gives real life examples an has witty humor sometimes bordering on sarcastic.

We live in a safe neighborhood where we know everyone that lives on our block. Also, we chose a small town where everyone knows everyone so if there is something out of place everyone knows in a matter of hours. Stranger Danger was a great help as well. Lots of lights around our neighborhood for the night time. Every parent on our block watches our children just like we do theirs to make sure they are being safe and staying out of trouble.

Turn off the news! Big scary stories 24 hours a day are good for ratings, but have made people think the world is a totally different place than it was when we were kids. Its not, there are people out there who are dangerous, but most people are perfectly safe. You are never going to see "millions of kids remained totally safe today" on the news, but that is the case everyday. Also, for whatever reason we are prone to fixate on the risk of things like kidnapping that are so unlikely that we shouldn't give them much thought. If we were rational about fear and risk we would be much more worried about our kids riding in the car than about them walking a few blocks to school. But most parents would never allow their kids to walk to school because "it's dangerous." The fact is your kid is significantly more likely to be injured or killed in a car accident than they are to be hurt or abducted on the way to school, but we don't perceive it that way.
And I have to say that the idea that we should be teaching our kids never to talk to strangers is no making them safer, and in fact may be making them less safe. One poster said she told her kids to run if any adult they didn't know spoke to them. That's just plain crazy. What if her kid wanders away from her at the mall and gets lost. Now the child is alone and surrounded by people who could help, but he/she has been taught that they are all to be feared, what is the kid to do? My son is 3 1/2, and he knows that if he gets lost that he should find a woman and ask her for help. I have taught him this for a few reasons
1. I want him to choose who helps him.
2. Women are widely available, unlike police officers or security guards
3. A woman is unlikely to pose any danger to my child, and she is more likely than a man to get involved and stay involved until he has been reunited with me.
I am in favor of teaching my kids some common sense and giving them the tools to be safe and feel empowered, but I will not teach them fear.

Several posters have recommend a book by Lenore Skenazy (sp?) and it is worth reading to reassure you about the safety of the world. Another good read is Protecting the Gift by Gavin deBecker, it offers practical solutions to real safety issues.
Good luck!

You teach common sense. You raise your kids with the attitude to survive.

My kid knows if someone is pointing something at him (like a gun) or coming at him w/a sharp object (like a knife) YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY!

'The Safe Side' video is awesome. My kids love watching it and it is incredibly informative. Empowering our kids with knowledge is the best tool we can have in our arsenal to keep them safe, in my opinion. www.thesafeside.com

Teach your kids how to recognize danger and praise them when they pull away from people or situations that "just don't seem OK." I praise them when they follow their gut feeling. My husband teaches them to defend themselves and when it's OK to use physical force.
As a parent, I don't trust my kid to just anyone, even family members. I'm careful about who I have babysit them, don't participate in sleepovers early in their childhood, never leave them alone with someone I don't know VERY WELL and I never assume an adult is trustworthy (even at church, school, etc.). Parents are so trusting, and motivated by convenience these days that they put their kids in bad situations under the care of people about whom they know very little. We live in a fallen world and we can't assume others have the best interest of our children at heart. One of the fundamental responsiblities of parenting is protection of our defenseless young. Animals get it, but we are generally a bit thick-headed when it comes to protecting our little ones.

I do not freak my kids out with "Strange Danger" It is MY job to watch my six yr old not his job to keep himself safe. the rule should be "dont go anywhere with a stranger" not "dont talk to strangers" Do teach address, parents name and phone numbers by age five. My son also know his grandparents names (not just Grandma and Grandpop) for when he is with them. Teach them not to open the door to strangers. When they are old enough to stay home alone then you need to teach a lot of rules and warnings etc.

+I drill it into my kids to never talk to strangers-
+I quiz them on any possible thing someone might say to lure them
+I make sure they know that it has NEVER been a case where a stranger has told a kid that someone that they love will get hurt if they tell or don't comply that the loved one EVER gets hurt. It is always a ploy so you never believe it and you always tell someone.
+I tell them to RUN the second a stranger talks to them-no adult should be talking to a child when they are alone. I don't care if it is innocent-kids cannot be expected to know the difference.
+I tell them that if any neighbor or adult friend asks to ride you or for you to come you say no.
+Obviously they know not to go up to strangers and esp men. If they are ever really lost they need to find a mommy to help them.

There's more but that is the gist. We talk often about this kind of thing so it is always top of mind. Sadly I know for a fact this frightens my 9 yo now-I have been trying to back pedal a little by saying it is so very rare that this happens but you still need to know what to do. There is never a day that I am not vigilant about this. All it takes is once and I am sure that the parents of all child victims felt that it could never happen to their kids...I try to never think that way. Bad things can and do happen and nobody is safe.

I just want to add that the parents of the 8 yo in NY surely felt that their child was safe. From what I hear there is no place thought to be safer than a Hasidic community like he lived in-they even have their own citizen patrol groups. And to be sure the community is the kind of close knit one where everyone knows everyone. So thinking your neighborhood is safe is never a deterrent. Furthermore it seems like most child abductions happen in the 'safe' rural neighborhoods rather than big cities.

Wow, Amanda L! What an awesome idea! LOVE that game idea, and will start playing it with my children (ages 4 and 1). Any ideas for developing confidence and observation skills would be MOST welcome by me! I don't know how or why I developed my observation skills and people watching, but I did so at an early age, probably with games like that. I remember in 3rd grade I was walking home from a friends house a block away, and was taking the short cut through what we called "the field" (a vacant lot...probably 4-6 homes would eventually go on it), directly across from my home. As I was walking, I noticed a car with an odd color driving oddly slow to my left, so I slowed my walking and watched it. Funny, it came to a stop in front of me, between myself and the house, so I stopped walking (he was 10 yards away so I just didn't go nearer). He rolled the window and asked where Blanco Pines was, and I told him to go to the stop sign, turn left, it was the next street up. He started to move forward, so I started to walk, but a little to my left (since his car was facing my right). He stopped and acted like he hadn't heard me correctly so I took 3 steps backwards away from him and said it louder. He tried to say something but I interrupted in a copy of my M.'s stern voice with "If you have any more questions, you should speak to an adult". He drove away and I went straight in and told my M.. A few days later (same week!) I came home from school and M. was sitting at the table with a plate of nice hot cookies and a big glass of cold milk waiting for me. I was like "Ooooh, cool!" and she ate cookies with me and casually asked me questions like "Remember that guy who asked you directions? Do you remember what he looked like? (Man, brown hair, not as old as dad) Do you remember his car? (Old, long, manilla folder color, dent by the front wheel)...That kind of stuff. Years later she told me that just a couple days after that incident, a girl was kidnapped in the next neighborhood. She called the police when she heard about it, to tell them about my curious encounter. The police wanted to come and question me, but M. said no, she didn't want me to be scared so she asked for the list of questions, wrote them all down, and casually interviewed me. When I was playing, she called them and gave them what I said. I don't know if anything ever came of it, or if that guy was the "bad guy", but that came from training and observation, not from scaring a child.
Conversely, I've seen first hand a teenage girl freeze up and panic, not be able to speak or act on her own, because her M. had told her someone was "bad and never talk to him" and scared her about him. When this guy happened to be at a wedding where she was, she just froze up and was totally helpless when the man said hello. I was so annoyed at that! Scaring someone doesn't help anyone. But training them does.
We not only practice but provide and even invent opportunities for my boys to build self confidence and feel self empowered. We give them ways to practice independence and life skills (though I am SOO ready to hear anyone else's ideas on how to do so, so we can continue this!). I have recently started testing my oldest on the safety "rules" I have. For example, we have a rule that he is never to go to the door unless he is with me, period. (He's 4). Last week, I told him I was going to run some gumbo to our neighbor's house and would be back "in a little bit" and he was fine watching TV. The door was locked, I went out the garage door. I hid where behind the door so he couldn't see me, and rang the doorbell. He unlocked it and opened the door. I said thank you, but then sat him down and we talked about it. He knows how to use my cellphone and dial "2" for daddy, or 911 if I'm hurt and need help (he also knows NEVER to call without an emergency). He knows how to use the house phone, but I don't want him to pick up the phone if I'm in the bath or outside unless he hears daddy or grandma on the answering machine first. Sometimes I will call and let the phone ring to the answering machine, and he does not answer. I had M. call one day and talk to see what he would do, and after hearing her voice, he did answer. He doesn't know I've "tested" him on the phone because he passed every time so far. We will let him go across the street to play with the kids over there if they're outside, but everytime we drill in that he is to stop, look both ways, and run across when it is safe, and if we see him doing otherwise he will come inside. We let him play out there, but keep an eye on him with the blinds open. A great little book is The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers----I really liked that! But he also doesn't go inside anyone's home EVER without my permission (and there are people he can play with, but only 2 houses without me that weren't family). We teach basic modesty (not being prude, there's nothing wrong with his body, but we do teach modesty and respect......so that he understand noone has any business under his swimsuit in any way except M., dad, and a doctor. I have taught my son that people say hi or something nice about one of his uniforms and that's fine, they're being nice and he should say hi, thank you, etc back. I don't want them to be scared of strangers so bad that they can't say hi back even when I'm there. But there is a difference that comes with casual practice.
We have spoken a few times and practiced what to say if he got lost---to go to a "worker" with a cash register if there's no officer and say "Hi, my name is __ __ and my mommy's name (or daddy) is __ __ and I'm lost". That came in SO handy! When he was just barely 3 years old, we went to an event at a big library. There were so many kids there! I let him see where I was sitting (parent area) and he could sit on the floor up front with the kids. He would look occasionally and I'd wave. He was just coming back to me after the animal show and they announced if you want to, you can come pet the animals. He had big eyes and I said "Sure, you go on ahead, and I'll meet you at the end of the line". Well, I had a stroller with a new infant in it, and couldn't get through because of the crowd. Stupid people wouldn't let me get around them, I tried to go down other aisles but they were blocked because of the show, it became a bit of a nightmare. Finally, I lost sight of him. He had already made it through the line and I wasn't around. I made eye contact with someone and she stepped in front of me and blocked me. I said "Excuse me, my kid" and pointed. She didn't budge. I got really scared and yelled MOVE and she paused so I started moving to punch her (I lost my mind a moment) and someone called my name. It was someone from my son's small fry club and she saw me about to panic. She asked what was wrong and I said "Lost Joseph!" and she had 2 other ladies that knew him and she said "Ok, I got the door" and pointed the other 2 ladies to other corners of the building. I took the baby out of the stroller and left it there so I could get through the crowd better, and the head librarian made eye contact with me and waved. There was my boy! She said that he was SO calm and walked to the circulation desk and said "Hi, my name is JoeJoe __ and my mommy's name is A. __ and I'm lost". He passed the real life test, I failed it! Practice and teaching is good. We also do the normal things: when walking through a parking lot he holds my cart or hand and instead of just going through, every single trip in a parking lot is "practice". I dramatically stop and say what I'm doing outloud, and he will do that too now: "Stop, no cars, walk in the stripes".
He's a very happy go lucky little guy, but he's quite grown up in many ways. Safety doesn't have to be a burden, just the boundaries that allow us to have fun.