Ok, this is dumb I am sure. I know it's just life and we have to figure out how to deal with it, so my question is HOW do I deal, EFFECTIVELY, with stupid *$#@ my 4 year old is learning from other 4 year olds? I was kinda expecting this junk around 11 with kids talking about sex or something, but I'm finding that even the 4 year old crowd is "undermining" me. :(
This is everything from our religious beliefs, kissing is gross, or what is good or bad. What is cool (already?) and what he can't do now because what would __ think of him (for crying out loud!). I think we're handling it ok, but I want to stay ahead of this and help him understand that an adult who loves him and has his best interest at heart, who is successful in life, love, and "all that" can know better than a random 4 year old in preschool. Why is this an issue already? And does anyone have helpful suggestions to help us keep our communication, trust, and "standing" with our little guy??? I've been tempted to pul him out of the preschool, but of course I won't. I don't think hiding him from the world is going to teach him how to function in it. No, I'm not in a panic, lol, just interested in being the best parents possible. We want to have open communication, mutual respect, and to stay calm but be able to show him that we can and should be the "go to" people for some information for awhile. Is that too much to hope for?
Riley, that's a good way to look at it; thanks. We absolutely do not have a problem with him being disrespectful or doing things we wouldn't allow---he's a really good kid. He has his issues as does everyone else in the world, but I'm very proud of him. We've diligently raised him to not only accept different people, cultures, etc but to embrace them. I know it sounds stupid, but there are just a few things that were important to ME that others have tried to undermine which annoyed me...For example, one night we were going to pray and he burst into tears. We asked what was wrong, he said praying doesn't work. My family believes it absolutely does work, so my husband said "I'm sorry you think so. Where would you hear such a thing?" and he confided to his dad that a kid at "school" said so. Jer hugged him and said "Well, we know it works for us. I'm so sorry that you have met a friend who hasn't found out how good God is yet. Remember when...." and we told a couple stories about when prayer worked for him or us, then went to bed. He dropped it, but I was sad that someone would tell my little kid that. We didn't want to push him or "change his mind", but had that brief little discussion with him, and over the next few days saw that he HAD made his own decision and choices to pray and all that. Although kissing is good, natural, healthy, etc for us...he suddenly started saying "eww, gross" when my husband and I kiss. Not because we have cooties, but b/c kissing is gross. I was wanting to raise the boys to be happy with themselves, their bodies, and to be able to express love and kiss freely because growing up both of us had pretty "stoic" families (except my grandma who was awesome, and my role model). It slightly annoyed me, but sometimes I ignored it, sometimes I'd say "Why in the world would kissing your dad be gross?" Yesterday it came to a head because I went to give my son a kiss and he said no (No?) :( I said "Ok. But why?" and he said "Because kissing is bad". I told him it's absolutely NOT bad. He said "Yes it is because we're not on a date". I kinda laughed and said "Well, there's date kisses, and mom/dad kisses, but there's also mom and her little boy kisses. There's different kinds of kisses, and different times for things. But I think mom and son kisses are fine anytime". He shrugged and I said "That's ok. But why do you feel that way?" and he said "Riley (a classmate) said they're bad". I said "Oh, she doesn't know". And he said "Oh yes she does, Riley knows all about kisses!" I laughed and said I knew a little about them too, but why did she talk to you about kisses, and he said another kid had kissed him on the cheek while he was building blocks, and this other kid went off about them being "bad". I explained that it wasn't "bad" to get a kiss on the cheek, but maybe it's just not the right time, being at school, for that kind of stuff. It is all ok, everything is fine, but I was just realizing that I needed to up my timeline on dealing with other people preaching their views on my children already. If anything we're more "permissive" than a lot of people around here, not that he's being "bad". I was a little upset that he felt shame, especially about something so innocent. But it bothers me that he thought for a moment that his 4 year old classmate would know more than me about something. I guess it's just a continual communication process and continuing to raise him everyday to have a foundation and make his own judgements and decisions based on that foundation. If anyone has any specific wording or advice, you're so welcome to give it to us! :P Momofmany, thanks for your words too---I know some people who homeschool and I think it's sometimes for the wrong reasons or they're going about it the wrong way, but the way you said that makes sense to me: not that you're sheltering or isolating them, but discovering things together....that makes a lot of sense. Thanks.
WOW he is already worrying about what others will think! you need to research and think about making him more of a leader and less of a follower
This is just the beginning, unfortunately.
You will never be able to control the world & what those in it say or do, but you can teach your son how to behave & respond positively to negative people & situations.
variety is the spice of life. we are still learning. we get influenced from stuff we see on here even, good or bad. It's part of life's lessons. Just make sure he knows your house rules and what you expect.
I tell my kids, they do not have to copy the other kids. THEY know what is right and wrong. And, they KNOW who they are. They do.
They KNOW... when a kid is a punk or naughty or just a rascal.
They know, to tell the teacher, if a kids makes trouble or says bad things.
My son is 4. In Preschool. The other day, he said another boy said the "F" word and called another kid "stupid." My son, told the Teacher. He also told the kid to stop and that is not nice. He also did not copy-cat that kid and knows, that child is naughty. Even the Teachers say so. I asked my son "Is Johnny naughty, or just a rascal?" And my son said "No Mommy he is naughty. Timmy is rascal but he's not naughty. Johnny is naughty and makes trouble."
My son even at 4 years old, knows the difference.
You teach your kids, how to 'Discern" people, and how not to be a copy-cat per wrongness and that they can and will get in trouble, too.
All you can do is talk to your child and tell him why certain subjects are not okay with you. Just ask him each day how his day was and ask what he did and what he played and who he played with and as he tells you then you can respond. I think it's very important to also remember details about teachers and friends they like and react positively so that way they feel that you listen to everything and not just the negative things.
I've done that with my kids since they were in preschool and now they are going to 4th grade and 1st grade and so far they continue to talk to us or come ask if they don't understand something.
Hi A.,
Amazing, isn't it, what the world teaches our children? We see our little children sort of like little seedlings that need shelter from the strong winds and storms that come with life. While they are so tender and young, we put them in a proverbial greenhouse, caring for them, watering them, giving them just the right amount of wind and exposure to the elements as is safe for them to handle. Once their roots are strong, we let them get even more exposure. Eventually, when they are mature plants, we put them out to face the world. Still, we watch, mentor, water them, but they have a firm foundation to attack the world and all they will encounter. We believe that this makes them more effective, stronger, leaders in whatever it is they will do. So, we don't do preschool. We actually homeschool. We aren't holed up in the house all day, afraid of the big bad world. But, we carefully engage it together, learning as we go. It's a great way to shepherd the children. And, our relationships are stronger for it! Blessings to you!
so frustrating! we have seen a little of this, (my son is 4 as well) but with our pushy/borderline bully neighbor girl who is 6, more than in his age group. i wonder if it's more the other kid than yours. sounds like a super agressive (possibly bullying) four year old! i get frustrated with my son, because i DON'T like to feel like a kid has more control over his thoughts and attention than i do. i know how you feel. i was saying to him just the other day, "you just remember, so-and-so is your FRIEND. not your boss, not your mother, not your teacher. you ask ME for permission, NOT her." (she has this habit of constantly giving him SUPER unhealthy snacks like snack cakes and ice cream bars, without asking. i know he comes and asks most of the time, but i also know SHE pressures him not to - and no, she is NOT well supervised at all). GRR. ANYway, that's my personal beef lol. all we can do is encourage them to do the RIGHT thing because it's RIGHT, and to remember who is "really" the boss - AND i also try to remind him that NO ONE gets to be mean to him. ever. if someone is, i will help him deal with it if he doesn't know what to do. because 4 is SO young still.
i was surprised it started so early. and i blame it on her because she's older and not in a good home situation. i wish he had stayed out of that whole peer pressure scene just a little bit longer, too!
on a side note i have noticed my son prefers some clothes over others, for the first time, and has made comments like, "sophie really likes that shirt", (which is a girl at school, not the neighbor) or whatever. another side of the peer pressure coin. super cute as long as it's not out of hand. hang in there mom!
I just tell my kids to be leaders and not followers. Easier said then done!! I praise them a lot for using their own head and making the right decision. You are right and hiding them from the world will not protect them. The best choice here would be to empower your children and tell them how grown up they are and how proud you are of them for making the correct decision. A good line of communication is so important because when they get to be teenagers it will be much worse.
One thing I am constantly amazed by and thrown off guard with is that everything I'm trying to prepare for is happening years before I'm ready! That said, we're forced to constantly be on our toes and ready for whatever comes out of their mouths! I find that the best answer is an honest one. If your child (even though he's only 4) comes home with some outlandish bit of information he learned from another 4-year old, you just have to tell him the truth so he has an understanding of what's real and what's not. They're pretty receptive to what you have to say as long as you're level-headed about it and just having a conversation with him. Evenutally, you'll find that he's going to you first for confirmation on what he hears, instead of automatically accepting it as the truth. This is really going to help out when girls and sex come in to the picture. Good luck and it sounds like you're already outstanding parents!
Short but sweet, sounds like you are doing an excellent job! My recommendation is to be truthful and factual with your child and continue to teach your family values within your actions and answers. Use teachable moments as you have done and base all your answers on the facts using correct terms of body parts and information regarding all subjects. Congratulations, you and your husband are on your way to being great parents...Kudos to you! And, know that the Lord is shaping you and your child through all circumstances, love these opportunities of learning you have shared! Now is the best time to start teaching, so many now days think that middle or high school will be the "when" moment, but it actually starts so much younger than that now. I work with a "Teen Pregnancy Prevention Coalition" and what we have discovered is just exactly what you have...it is the parents responsibility to teach their own children by using teachable moments throughout their young lives and know that you have done all that you know how to do and eventually they will have to make their own choices in what to believe and how to live. Scary, I know! But, it is the facts! Good Luck and best wishes! I know your child will grow into a great young man because it sounds like he has very loving and caring parents!
M.
