Preteen Attitude

this happened to my nephew when he 10 to 11...he was going through 'changes'...

he was confused and didn't know why his 'thingy' was doing what it was doing...and in the meantime, it was difficult to talk with him...he was cranky with everyone.

Maybe try incentives for him for the things you would like him to do for you.

I am sure this would be much better coming from my sister as she was the one who lived with him...all I remember is how he was a year and a half ago...which he isn't like that now. Your son could also be jealous of the new baby too...as more of your attention is focused somewhere else now...

You must be tired with the baby not sleeping and the oldest not helping the way you want him too.

I recommend reading "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. His ideas may seem really out there at first. I thought I would totally disagree with his approach, but his core principles and basic do's and don'ts were very useful. As parents we tend to try to overdirect and fine tune our kids without stopping to really listen to them and without engaging them in the process of developing their own self control. We go for the short term quick fix instead of the more time consuming teaching process they need. It sounds like your son has just stopped listening to your directions but hasn't developed the self-control to have the independence he desires.

After Kohn's book, read "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen. It is more the pracitical application version to gentle discipline (Kohn outlines the philosophy and guiding principles).

You are very wise to realize that starting now is critical. Good luck.

L.,
I read through all the advice you already received and I personally would print it all out and take out the parts you think you can use/stick with. Sit your son down and have a heart to heart and explain how his behavior makes you feel and make sure he knows exactly what's expected of him. Give him the opportunity to tell you what he thinks he can/can't do or understand. You've got to communicate with him, but also be ready to take away priveleges when he doesn't behave. I thought the idea of natural consequences was fantastic. You also probably want to consider puberty & what that's doing to him--maybe his dad can talk to him if you're not comfortable doing it. Best of luck!

I would just make it clear to him that if he's going to act like a little kid then he's going to get treated like one. If he wants to be the big kid in the house and get treated like it then he needs to start behaving. I would tell him something one time and then have him repeat it back. If he doesn't do it then he's punished. He's not a terrible 2, he's 10.
Find something that really means a lot to him and use that as your leverage. He needs to listen, be respectful and no talking back or he loses it. He's a lot smarter than you think but at this age they need to be made to do things because life just isn't real to them yet. He's not going to listen if he doesn't have to and you're probaby too busy with the other 2 to get after him so he probably gets away with a lot.
Good luck,
J.
Mom of 4

I would use a lot of natural consequences. If he won't help with the laundry, leave his clothes dirty. If he talks back while you are dong something for him, stop helping him with that task. He may be trying to find some independence from you also. Try giving him some tasks to do to make him feel like he is gaining independence, (laundry?) I worked at a in-patient counseling center for delinquent adolescent boys for years. The biggest mistake I saw from parents was to make empty threats, saying you'll consequence a certain way and not follow through. This s also a scary time for him. Try to get him to talk to you about his feelings. In our society boys get the idea that it is not okay for them to express their feelings or concerns, so I would try to counter that. I know all situations/ families are different. Just be available for him, and love him. I hope this helps a little.

L.,
There are more questions than answers for your request. Did this just start recently or has it been going on for his whole life? How is his diet, sleep patterns, exercise? Does this happen at school, church, sports (or whatever) or just at home? I would be curious if maybe expectations were set too high on even just one thing so he is refusing to cooperate on everything?

It sounds like development and self-protection (in a non-productive but very adolescent way), maybe even temperment, as opposed to pathology (I doubt there is anything WRONG with him). He needs to start learning to advocate for his needs and probably how to balance what his needs are with what your expectations are of him. You probably say, "Use your words" to your 2-year old? Same concept except your 10 year old's defenses are getting tougher to crack.

If you want to "nip this behavior", I would recommend - in a soft moment that most 10 year old boys still have once in a while- ask him how he is feeling during those times (probably nagged) and how he would like to be asked to do things. You mention alot of talking but how much listening is going on? It may take a while for him to open up because he may not trust that you will not blow up at him.

To gain his trust maybe tell him what you think your part of the power struggle is and how you want to improve too. It takes two to tango! He still has to do what you ask but wouldn't you rather speak his language and have success? Ask him what would help - writing down a list that he can complete within reasonable limits? One thing about requests (and this applies to husbands too), if we ask them to do something, we have to allow them to do it their way (within reason). I wanted my laundry folded so I have to be OK with a linen closet that, let's just say doesn't look like Martha Stewart's. We can't control everything.

He has to trust you and think you are on his side if the behavior is going to change. He sounds very frustrated and unable to communicate his needs. You can help him through it - and the next thing, and the next thing, if you take the time. 13 won't be bad for you guys at all if you become his supporter.

He is still going to drive you crazy for a long, long time. Try to learn from him. My daughter is similar (now 16). She can "move on" so fast. I finally decided that I need to learn that from her too. I'm better but still linger on hurts. It's really silly and only hurts myself. I'm getting better though. Kids raise us and much as we raise them in some instances.

Good luck.

I would ask his doctor for a referral to a child psychologist. Perhaps there is something going on there, if he is not comprehending what your saying or so defiant. They would be a good resource to start with anyway. Are there any other diagnoses going on here too? ADD etc that could be contributing to his behavior? Good luck.

Shelley