Preparing to Tell Our 14Yo Autistic Child That He Is Autistic

Good for you in being proactive!

Your son has Autism, so to the best of your ability try to think like he does- literal and sequential. I would be honest with him and avoid euphemisms and metaphors, as they are likely lost on him. I doubt that he sees his social difficulties as a "gift" so I would go the "neuro route"- this is how I explained it to my spectrum clients...

Everyone's brain is built differently. Some people are really good at reading and writing, some are really good at math or sports or art. For you, you are really good at ______________. People also have things that are really difficult for them. What do you think is really hard for you? (Then let him respond and acknowledge his responses). I've noticed that sometimes you have a hard time making friends and that certain _______ (insert sensory descriptor) really bother you. When kids are really good at math and science, but have a hard time making friends and handling change it's called having Autism. Autism means that you think in a unique way and that you always have. Do you have any questions?

Let him guide the rest of the discussion. Making the point that none of us think exactly the same way is "normalizing" for him. Keep in mind that he is likely highly aware of his differences and may be relieved that it has a "name".

Good luck!

I would not phrase it as "You ARE autistic" but rather, "You have had to overcome some major obstacles in life, mainly socially, because you HAVE autism. You have learned many things, and continue to improve."

I hate labels. He is who he is. BUT, I also know what a relief a label can be to a child. They are no longer just weird or do something weird. There is a NAME for it. With the word, comes comprehension. An explanation for themselves. And that can even lead to new friendships and new resources that they themselves can begin to pursue.

Best of luck.

Hi, B.:

Have you talked to anyone in the Autism Chapter where you live about your son?
What is your son dealing with that needs support?

We are learning at the International Institute for Restorative Practices not to label anyone. We are strength-based.

Why is it that you need to label him? Has he asked you why he is having difficulties?

He is the expert of his life. Ask him what he needs. Just a thought.

Resource: www.iirp.org

D.

When our son was in kindergarten, he ended up with a best friend who also had ADHD like him, so we felt it was time to tell him. You just go with your gut instinct as to when it's right to share the news that your child has a special condition.

We just told our son that maybe he's noticed he has a whole lot of energy and feels like he can't control his body. Well, that's something called ADHD. Not everyone has ADHD, so this makes him special. You might start off the same way, pointing out things he's likely figured out on his own may be different about himself and then mention that it's due to a condition called autism.

We also reaffirmed to our son that it's nothing embarrassing, just different. I mentioned some kids are in wheelchairs, some kids can't see well, some kids don't hear well, but that they're all just kids like him. We all have things that make us unique and for our son, ADHD is part of it.

Our son took it really well (although he was very young and may not have understood too much of it). I wouldn't be TOO upbeat about it all -- it's good to mention the challenges, too -- but it's good to be open about it. You're going to feel a lot better once he knows the truth.

Good luck!

I would suggest that you get some advice from the counselor, but that you do not make a major deal of it, as if he could go off the deep end, because that will make him think that there is more to it than there is. He has lived with autism his whole life, and nothing is going to change if he knows. Certainly, it will not change how he sees the world, and it probably will not change the way the world sees him.

If you say it is not a big deal, he will not see it as such, but if he has as much anxiety as my spectum kid does, he will think there is more to it than a moniker. If he is high functioning, he has probably figured out that he has something by now.

14 is hard. If he is in with all typicals, I would suggest that you find him a social skills class at a speech therapists office, or seek a referal from your counselor. If he is not in Cognative Behavioral therapy, I would seek this out too. Finally, find him some other spectrum kids, hopefully, through the secial skills class, or a support group in your area for familes with autistic kids. You will see that he will not lack friends, he has a group, he will fit in his nitch and every thing will be OK once you find him a few friends who get him. Our oldest daughter with autism attends a highschool for kids with autsim, but half the children who attend are typcial peers. She does have aquaintences who are typcial, but all her closest friends are on the spectrum. They get them, they love being together, and I never worry anymore that she will be lonely.

M.

My thought is that after you tell him that he has autism, how will you help him understand exactly what that means for him. Maby you could find an age appropriate book that helps explain what having autism means.

He probably already knows that he is different from the other kids and does not know why, finding out why may actually be a relief to him.

When we told our son that he had ADHD he was so relieved, he said thank goodness, I thought I was just "dumb". My son really shines now that he has been given an explanation for why he is the way he is. My son is extremely smart and now he doesn't feel bad about himself because now he has an explanation for why he lacks in some areas and has to compensate more than others. And, I do strongly agree with the aproach of pointing out the gifts that autism has given your son, that is the approach we used with our son.

In my opinion, you are doing a good thing by telling him.

Good LUck