Sooo... this is tough to talk about in a public forum because it's so personal, but I don't have anyone else to ask. I am 23 weeks along. I have two kids 4 and 5 from a previous marriage who live with us part time. I am currently not working but looking. I guess that's some background. My bf and i were not planning on having kids anytime soon if ever and struggled with some stress when we first found out but we are in a good place now. Before I got preggers we had sex every day... we have only been together a year and a half. Since I have been preggers it is much less. At first once a week now maybe every two weeks. And i believe if i did not initiate these times we might not have sex at all. He does not initiate anymore and he often turns me down when I do to the point that I feel like never asking again because the risk of embarrassment and humiliation is so high. I have tried talking to him about this several times t see if something is wrong, if he is just scared about the pregnacy etc. but he only gets angry and defensive when I try to talk about it. It's really starting to effect how I feel about him and myself and I am just so confused as to WHY this is happening. The rest of our relationship is very good, we cuddle, he is sweet, he is great with my kids, doesn't go out all the time.... Has anyone else been thru something similar? I just don't know what to think/do anymore.
A little more info: when i have tried to tal to him gently about this he SWEARS it is not the pregnancy, that he is not worried about hurting me or anything. It's almost like he just has no sex drive anymore and doesn't even notice that it's not happening. I have explained that if he has no issues that it's upseting to me and maybe he could just try harder to hink about that and make an effort but it just is not happening.
My husband explained it like this....."I feel like I'm invading someone else's territory".
Just talk about it. Just engage him. Let him have his feelings. It's a fairly common problem.
:)
Is this his first child?
I don't "read" into this that there is a huge intimacy issue... the sex has backed off.
A lot of men are afraid they will hurt their partner or the baby she is carrying during sex and this fear keeps them from enjoying a good sex life while you are pregnant. Make sense?
I bet things return to normal after the baby and after you get your go ahead from the Dr to resume activity. However, maybe your bf would go with you to one of your Dr. appointments and your Dr. can reaaure him that he is not hurting you, or the baby, etc.
Congratulations and best wishes.
Yep. We went a few months during my pregnancy of no-sex. I guess some guys just don't feel comfortable with it when you're pregnant. They get weirded out maybe? All I know is my husband ignored some of my initiations when I was pregnant as well. I guess he just didn't find my pregnant belly sexy ?? We got thru it. I guess I just dealt with it. He'd get all pissed too if I tried talking to him about it. So strangely enough I talked to my MIL about it a time or two. She basicallly told me that some guys get turned on by the belly and some don't. If you do try talking to your bf again, perhaps bring up the "We can have sex all the time with no worries of getting pregnant! HA! After baby is born you'll have to wear condoms for a while. So let's take advantage of this while we can!"
And by all means don't be embarassed on this forum. We're here for ya!
Guys freak out about pregnancy in some really strange ways. This is just one of them. The key is don't take it personally because it isn't. It is only about not wanting to hurt the baby and not getting that he can't.
By the way educating him will only make him defensive. It is like telling someone who is afraid of heights there is nothing to worry about. Yeah they get that, doesn't make them any less afraid, ya know?
Okay, laying it on the line. I am afraid of heights, you want me to explain why? Isn't going to happen because it is not rational! You lay it on the line he will get defensive because he knows it isn't rational but he can't stop it.
My husband did not want sex when I was pregnant with my twins. The whole thing made him nervous, and he was so afraid that he would hurt the babies. It really had nothing to do with me and his attraction to me. Once my belly was bigger with my daughter, he wasn't interested anymore either. I also think he started seeing me as his children's mother. Just hang in there!
i agree with the ? TF asked is this his first child? if so hes definatley nervous about it .. im in a pretty similar situation i hav been dating my boyfrend (now fiance since january) for 4 years im 23 weeks along right now also .. we were not planning on having kids for at least a year or 2 til we had our own place but our plan didnt happen that way lol .. we had to move back to nj from vt when work dried up.. now im not working but looking, fiance is the only one working, money is a big stress in our relationship.. we used to have sex pretty frequently once we found out i was pregnant it slowd down a little.. ont time wen we did it i ended up having some cramping afterward and since then its like he doesnt mention it much.. probably like u said like every week/2 weeks.. we talked about it and i get it.. most of the time its stress and hes completely exhausted from work and he understands that sometimes im just cranky and uncomfortable and i dont wana do it.. i would try not to let it bother u .. its most likely a combo of him being stressed and nervous he will hurt u/baby .. try giving him a bj lol that may wake up his sex drive a little for the future lol .. after the whole i got cramps thing after some time went by n i thought wow he really must not care about having sex anymore thats what i did.. it definatley helped.. itsn ot like we do it all the time but it helped that and like jessintexas said.. it hit him like o wait we can have sex and it doesnt matter if an "oops" happens theres nothing to worry about it ur already pregnant
I would lay it all on the line, and just be upfront with him (but that's me) - you would like some answers, because you care about him and your relationship, and him getting angry and defensive isn't helping. But first make sure that you are not using an approach that may put him on the defense - i.e., "You never..." and "Why aren't you...", etc.
My guess is it could be a combination of things - maybe he is feeling stressed out with the prospect of having to support a family and a new baby and becoming a father when all of this was not planned in the first place and has happened relatively suddenly. A lot of guys worry they are going to hurt the baby in some way, even after it's been explained to them that they can't. Sometimes I wonder if they get mentally weirded out and can't disassociate their sexual feelings for their partner from the fact that there is a now baby growing in there. I can only speculate, because honestly, my husband didn't have this issue at all, but every guy is different and I would not assume it's anything personal.
Sometimes what has worked with my husband is not to ask questions or expect him to give me answers, but instead to just try to get inside his head and say, "Listen, I know you are probably feeling _____, and/but it's going to be okay. What I need from you is______."
Some guys are afraid of hurting the baby. However, although there are many men that are just as attacted to their pregnant spouse, there are also guys out there that are almost repulsed at the idea of having sex with a pregnant woman..so they still love you (will cuddle, treat you well etc) but are not sexually attracted to the pregnant state. Ive known a few couples like this and they had sex early pregnancy when you are barely showing but once its obvious it is a different story. Of course this is not fair to you, but in all cases that I've seen, the couples went back to normal post-delivery.
My husband stayed away from sexual things the first two of my pregnancies and couldn't keep off of me this last one. You'd be surprised how stress can effect the sex drive of a man. Continue to cuddle and keep the lines of communication open. I feel for you I really do but unfortunate as it is men can't fake interest and enthusiasm like we can.
My sister's husband would not have sex with her once she hit 4 months or so...this happened with all 3 kids. He was just afraid of hurting the baby even though plenty of doctors told him that was not possible. They had a very healthy sex life otherwise.
My husband and I had sex all the time when I was prego w/ the 1st and 2nd. We couldn't have sex w/ the 3rd b/c I was diagnosed w/ pre-eclampsia at 26 weeks and was on bed rest. Once I got really big, at like 35 weeks, we kind of stopped. It was uncomfortable for both of us honestly. Just be sure to let him know that you still love him and would like to show him how much.
