Pre-teen - Encino,CA

yeah... it's the age. I have a 12 year old son who is the same way.
Don't you remember being 12 mom???

(wink wink).

I had a similar thing happen with my son and I came to realize there was so much going on in his world - at school and in his own body (hormonally etc) that it was beyond trying to rationalize solutions. I learned to give him space while at the same time holding space, a presence so he knew I was there for him and in support of him.

One day he came home from school and really snarled at me. He went to his room and slammed his door. I did not follow. In about 5 minutes he came out and said "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I had a bad day at school." We then sat down and talked - as we did a lot.

It was always of the utmost importance to me that my 2 children be able to come to me with anything. Not that they tell me everything, but they tell me a lot. It's taken a lot of time and experience to develop a mutual trust, where we can be together without judgement.

My kids are 22 and 24. Young adults. They confide in me, but not every detail. I always know when they call what's up for them by the tone in their voices. I learned that sometimes helping them required no action, no words. Just 'holding space' for them. She will feel your presence, your love, your support, your understanding.

Save yourself a bunch of energy in trying to see eye to eye. Better to feel heart to heart. There was a beautiful poem posted recently that I copied and will include here. Best to you. Just love her. When you do, you may become a magnet for her - an anchor.

Khahlil Gibran


"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and the daughters of Life's yearning for itself.
They come through you,
but they are not of you
and though they are with you,
they belong not to you.

You may give them your love
but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies
but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. 

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you. 

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children 
as living arrows are sent forth. 
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 

and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; 

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 

so He loves also the bow that is stable."

Read the book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. How we say things makes a BIG difference.

I learned with my daughter, who is now an adult, that it's very important to just listen much of the time. I can start a conversation sometimes with a question but i then have to be careful to just listen without further questions or offering advice.

Above all, I have to have body language that shows that I'm listening, that I care and that I will accept whatever she says even when I don't agree with her. Your daughter has reached the age where you will no longer see eye to eye all of the time. She is developing her own personality and her own place in the world.

Bad attitudes are best left alone. As one mother said, her son snarled at her, he went to his room, slamming the door, and then came out a bit later and apologized. That's a very good response for a parent to take to a bad attitude. Even as a parent we cannot control everything about our children. We can teach them, by example, and thru conversation how to manage our negative feelings but we cannot control how they feel or expect them to talk with us when they don't want to talk.

Your daughter will open up to you when she feels comfortable about doing so. Your daughter will often have feelings that she herself doesn't understand and doesn't want any help to understand them either. She's a teen and will find her way. I suggest stop trying so hard and just be available when she does want to talk.

Do a Google Search on "Tweens' and many good articles will come up. Read it for your sake and your daughters.
Tweens are from 9-12 years old. Then it is the Teens.

Hi, i agree with Sarah's answer completely. My daughter started distancing herself and started developing an attitude at 12 years. We have always been cose prior to her turning 12 years. In a nutshell, she is going through a phase, be patient and it'll pass....then it'll come back in high school, then it'll pass (as long as she knows you are there for her). This is not the time to become "super" strict because she is distancing herself and you can lose her. My daughter is now 18 years and we have an amazing relationship. I'm mom (not her friend) but she can still talk to me as her friend. Whenever you can find time to do little get-aways or day trips (something she enjoys), monopolize on it.

All the best and remember, she'll come back.

I have a pre-teen, also, and I always find that when I leave him alone, instead of trying to get him to tell me what's bothering him, he tends to come out of it himself and goes back to being happy. Of course, I make it clear that I am available to talk, but when I get pushy about it he shuts down.

Now 34, I can still remember being 12. It was so dramatic and very frustrating. I too was a handful until I was about 18. Then, I realized that I respected my mom more than anyone and how rotten I was to her as a teen. It's a phase and she'll get over it. I know it must be hard on you but please remain her parent. I needed more structure and boundaries in my life. I had too much freedom. I now look back and wish my parents we're more authoritative and active in my schooling, etc. As long as you have a very watchful eye on her while you keep your distance, she's bound to improve her attitude and possibly confide more in you. Just so she knows you are always there for her and you truly care, that's what they need. She might resent you now but she will come to respect and admire you. Good luck, I know it can't be easy!!!

I would start by looking at the following:
1. When did you notice the change in behavior
2. Where is she "coming home" from? Is she at summer school, a camp? I would have a chat with whom ever supervises to ask what her mood is while she is there during the day? Also, if they have noticed her having any social challenges with other kids, etc.
3. Has she begun menstrating yet? Perhaps that is on the horizon.
4. Perhaps a girls day out is in order. You two hang and get mani/pedi, got to lunch at a fun place, etc. See if you two can relate better outside of your usual tense setting.

5. Get in touch with parent of her friends and see if you can get some info as to what's up with her that way. Make sure she doesn't find out though.

6. PRAY (ACTUALLY THIS SHOULD BE FIRST)

7. Observe her eating and personal hygene routines. If either have slowed a bit, she could be suffering from some kind of depression.

Hope this helps.

I have a 12 year old daughter, too. And I totally understand where your coming from. Just keep your cool and talk to her, but also let her know you always be there for her.

I just want to 2nd what Marda said. That book will be of great help to you and your daughter - I would even have her read it. It is a quick easy read, with parent comments at the end of each chapter. It looks like a book you would read with regard to young children, but it has been my experience that it really helps you in all your various relationships. It is oftentimes very difficult to just listen, without advising (especially from parent to child), but you can master this art, and it will be so helpful to your daughter. I love Marda's reminder about your "listening" body language. Make sure your daughter knows you are 100% in the moment with her. Peace to your family. B.

My mother had a rule - you had to smile when you came in the door. You were not allowed to slam the door, your books, or your lunch box.
Think about it this way: She is 12. School is filled with drama... She needs to process. Sit down with her - when she's calm, cool, and collected, and ask her how she would like her afternoon to be. She might tell you that she needs 10 minutes of alone time before she starts her homework, etc.
Ask the question and then listen.
YMMV
LBC

This is copy and pasted from my comment to another pre-teen mom going through stuff too.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I like to pass on to moms of pre-adolescents is that a low dose of Midol really helps with the moodiness and other things going on in their bodies. I was a nanny to a family with 7 kids ranging from 18 months up to 14 years old. The mom was a Professor of Nursing at the local college so I trust her judgement. Her kids would come home from elementary school and I would wonder who they were and what had they done with the wonderful kids that had left the house that morning. She laughed at me and handed me the bottle of Midol. When I would give each child age 8 and up a pill as soon as they walked in the door and they would be back to normal happy playful kids in about half an hour. Even the boys would show much mood improvement. My FIL takes Midol for his migraines too, they reduce the inflammation in the vessels in the brain or something like that. Midol has a fluid retention medication, similar to Lasix, and then Tylenol in it.