Pre-School Bullying

Teach him to respond with "I" statements like "I don't like abc" or "I want you to stop that NOW!"
Practice with him. Role play.

Those boys should have been made to apologize after their time out. Why is that not party of the policy? Odd.

At my kids' preschool, (when they were that age), if a child or children were doing things like that, more than once and it was a continual problem... they speak to the parents, reprimand the child, talk to the child and parents, they talk to the entire class as well about right/wrong behavior, and if it continues, they kick the child out of preschool. And they did, actually do that.
My own kids, went to 2 different preschools... and this is what the schools did. If a child was a continual problem, the child was not allowed to attend the school anymore.

MANTRA for preschool: It's not 'bullying' it's 'learning how to be a good friend' or 'struggling with being a good friend'.

Bullying is an intentional and pervasive thing that is done by kids and adults who know better OR have been taught that is the 'right' way to act.

Toddlers, however, are quite literally learning for the first time how to be treating other people.

Think for yourself for a moment the qualities that make a 'good friend'. Think also about social norms and how we treat strangers and acquaintances. These are all LEARNED behaviors. So is empathy, btw.

Now think about your own son. Bet you've corrected him thousands of times from infancy onward. How he behaves now is part personality and part learned. The same mom can have 1 very 'easy' toddler who has better than average impulse control OR is just shy, and 1 'difficult' toddler who develops impulse control later on or is an extrovert. The easy toddler (comparatively) you don't have to do a lot with. A few thousand corrections over a couple years. A lot of parents rue the day they congratulated themselves when #2 (or #7) rolls around with a massively different personality/impulse control/etc. because difficult toddlers take tens of thousands of corrections to get to the same place an easy toddler needs.

My point being, that with learned behaviors, like how to treat people... There are different time frames and different levels of energy that have to go into them. Because they are learning, for the very first time, "how to be a good friend".

Which is how my sons preschool and I both phrased it to my son and others... Timmy sounds like he's struggling right now with being a good friend. As well as what my son -or others- can do when other kids are struggling with being a good friend?

Kids that young can't bully, they just don't have the social skills to do it. The problem is it seems these kids haven't been taught any social skills, in other words they actually think it is acceptable to push, shove, poke, hit, whatever.

Personally I think it is a huge problem in how we raise our kids these days. By we I mean everyone else but whatever. We teach our kids you can't hurt other kid's feelings. Well how the heck did we learn pushing Sally wasn't going to fly? We pushed Sally, Sally got mad, Sally said screw you I am not playing with you anymore. So we figured out if we want to play with Sally we must play nice.

Enter Barney, I love you you love me blah blah BS. So now we are told we cannot blow off Sally, so how does Sally figure it out without the feed back loop, bad behavior equals no friends?

Tell your son to not associate with the brat! The brat will get the idea that if he wants to play with your son he has to play nice. Then the brat will play nice and your son will be fine, problem solved.

tell your son to start with words. LOUD words. 'STOP THAT! DON'T YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN!'
don't be so free with the word 'bully.' these are only freakin' 3 and 4 year olds. they are still figuring out appropriate behavior. they often get it wrong.
the school puts a stop to it by stopping it. they should be removing the child who's being physical from the situation and keeping that child close to them.
the teacher told you about the situation and did put a stop to it. the boys were put in time out. your son told you about it. the parents texted apologies to you. i'm not sure what you're upset about, other than just the fact that it happened. these things do. it sounds to me as it was handled fine.
what did you want to happen? an apology from the other boys? you do understand that even if forced to apologize, a 3 year old probably won't mean it, right?
the fact that the parents texted you means they're likely working with their own kids on it.
this is pretty typical behavior for 3 and 4 year olds. i wouldn't slap the 'bully' label on it, nor would i forbid my child from playing with them. they probably all forgot about it 10 minutes after it happened.
work with your son on using his words.
khairete
S.

I wouldn't call a preschooler a bully, as they are not capable of knowing the extent of what they're doing & may not be doing to be mean, necessarily. They are still learning. It sounds like your child is passive & the other kids have sensed that & are testing him. This is where you teach him how to stand up for himself & tell them to stop, that it's mean to hurt your friends, and to walk away & find someone else to play with. At that point, if the kids don't respond, then it's time to find an adult for help.

Jilly, you seem like a really nice gal, but you have posted quite a few times about this preschool and I'm really just wondering why you continue to bring your son there if you are not happy with it.

Just because so & so says the school is good, or just because it's expensive, doesn't mean that the mix of kids will be good, or that you will get what you expect. Honestly, if I were you, I would've changed preschools a long time ago. Preschool is not mandatory, anyway, and if your son is being picked on, what benefit is it to him, at this point? You have no obligation to keep him there.

I do think that when kids get to elementary school, there is a certain pecking order established, and if kids don't defend themselves, they will be targeted as a wimp. I don't advocate throwing the first punch, but my DD has my full permission & back up to defend herself if someone touches her first. This is how it was done back in the day when things weren't so damn "use your words" and politically correct, and you know what? The kids stopped getting picked on.

ETA: Oh, and Jilly, when I had more time to think, I would try one more thing before exclusion. I would use a 'boring time' consequence. This isn't just a five-minute sit-down time out, this starts with a reminder in the morning: "You may be kind to the other children, or you may be with me." Then, I'd observe-- anything other than the usual preschool petty tussles over a toy (which we can problem-solve)...anything beyond that and then we A. make amends to the hurt party and B. the offending child must stay with the teacher for the next while. That means that wherever the teacher goes (within reason) the child must go. BORING. When they complain, we remind them "you weren't being safe with your body, so now you will be with me for a while".

Hi Jilly,

We never want to have to have a conversation at this age about being picked on, but I think what I would want to know from my son is what's happening for him when the kids are doing these things. Does he get scared? Angry? Is he afraid to call to the teachers? I might find out what's going on in his head before I offered any suggestions.

I would talk honestly to him: some kids are good players and can use their words, and there are some kids who are just being mean. (I refrain from saying 'they're mean'... bullying may often stem from being bullied by a parent or sibling or other kids, but yeah, it's mean.) It's okay to stay away from the mean kids, and it is also okay to tell them 'no' and to stand up for himself and get help from a teacher. There is nothing wrong with telling a teacher when he's getting hurt because that kid is making everyone unsafe when they are hurting others. (I do not believe that a four year old should have to fight his own battles, although it doesn't hurt to let them know that this is their option.)

If it were happening in my group of preschoolers, I would put a stop to it by having clear communication with the families and the kids. The teachers and directors need to be very clear that this is not going to be tolerated and that if this behavior continues, the child will need to be seen by a behavioral therapist or would need to find another preschool. If the parents aren't on board with getting the child some help, then we are at an impasse. Corrections will only marginally work unless the parents are looking at their end of things.

Children who target other children; we shadow those kids to shut it down, as soon as we start to see signs something might be happening. When we watch the expressions of children's faces-- even from across the play area outdoors, we can see what's going on emotionally with children. That's when it's time to also stay within earshot/sightlines. We do not have to hover, either-- walking around them, passing them frequently helps. And when we suspect that a child is being picked on, we can separate the kids without making an issue out of it. Inviting the child or children who are being picked on to go do another fun thing with us ('come and help me draw some shapes with chalk' or "I need you to come water plants with me") brings the vulnerable child close to ourselves without seeming to 'rescue' them.

I also think that because everyone's aware that this is a bullying/targeting situation, it may be time to have the offending child sent home *immediately* after they are caught hurting other children. In this case, I would not wait for a bite or something more outrageous to happen. If it is clear that a child is deliberately targeting other kids routinely (and instigating other children to hurt others) then it's time to get serious about 'we absolutely do not allow this at school and you can't be here when you do this-- each and every time'. Unfortunately, at this age, much of what we are doing is sending a message to the parent-- time to address this now. It will only get worse otherwise.

I think you have to know (very clearly) right from wrong before you can be a "bully." Preschoolers are savage little beasts - they can't be bullies yet because they don't really know how to act socially yet. They do whatever they feel like doing at the moment, and based upon feedback from peers, teachers, and parents, they learn to refine their behavior and act less like savages.

Having said that, at my kids' preschool, they encouraged kids to stand up for themselves. In other words, your son is trapped in a little play house. He says, "Please move, I want to get out of here." If the other kids are bothering him, he might say, "Stop poking me. I don't like that!" If they continue, he goes to the teacher and asks for the teacher's help.

The teacher did the right thing by splitting them up and putting them in time out. She is showing them that poking other kids is not okay. Are they going to go forward from that experience and never do anything socially unacceptable ever again? Uh, no. They're 4 year old boys. Chances are pretty good they're going to keep acting like 4 year old boys. So the teacher will have to continue working with them, and your son will probably have to keep telling other kids, "Stop doing that! I don't like it!" (And from time to time, other kids will tell him that, too!) This is how they learn to act like normal people. It's a process. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Aside from that, teach your son that if he doesn't like to play with these boys, then he should play with other kids instead. The kids will learn when they keep getting put in time out, and don't have any friends to play with anymore.

You know who these boys are and you know who the leader is. Tell your little boy to not play with them anymore, especially if the leader is with them. You teach him how to recognize when someone is being mean to him and how to walk away and find someone new to play with.

Teach him how to have a backbone and stand up for himself.

I don't see it as bullying.....my personal opinion that the word bullying is thrown around too often. It's not bullying if someone looks at you wrong, kids are playing roughly, etc.

Kids will play and play roughly. They need to learn to respect the boundaries of others. I would suggest you enroll your son in a good martial arts school when he is a bit older to learn how to deal with people and self defense.

!. Teach your son to stick up for himself. Tell him to poke right back at a kid who pokes him You need to empower your son and not make him afraid to defend himself. I don't care WHAT all the books and politically correct folks in education want to tell you-there are many times where the reality of the situation is that you need to defend yourself. "Getting an Adult" may sound good and should probablly be tried 1 time but after that no-its not a good strategy if it doesn't help and the fact that it can happen again proves it. My boys know that I have their back if they are ever in a fight because of this. I never want to see them start one but am fine with whatever they do in the event a kids starts with them. Furthermore research proves that the more the victim does nothing the more the onlookers side with the bully and see the victim as deserving. You have to nip this in the bud. Role play with him strategies and scenearios to fight back.

2, Do NOT let the school down easy here. Be as mad as you should be with them and demand intervention and then proof of it.

You tell him to tell them to stop! and to put his hand up while saying it.
He needs to tell them to leave him alone. Again, in a loud voice but not screaming.

And say it really loud.

Then tell him to get away from them and tell them to leave him alone.

Also I would request that the teacher not give these bullies more attention than necessary to the bad boys, but to give our son a lot of attention, encouraging him to stand up for himself. The time outs are fine, and each morning, the teacher can remind everyone, today, we will all get along. If you are bullying or being mean to a classmate, you will sit in timeout during outside play. And each time you continue, we will make time out longer.

These are just little kids. They are testing. They need to knw they are being watched and this will not be tolerated. Zero tolerance.

Mom, try hard to not go overboard bout this. Your son needs to learn to deal with this his way. He needs to n
Knw he can do this.

Try not to focus on this so much, your child could learn to use this as a way to get more of your attention, and will not even realize it.

There is NOT SUFFICIENT SUPERVISION in his class. preschoolers do not know better and should be properly watched and taught. Otherwise: Lord Of The Flies. They are not bullies, they are unsupervised and uneducated on social behavior. Your kid is in a crappy school. There should be about 17 kids and two teachers, if one is interacting with students the other is WATCHING the rest of the kids. if the kids are in a spot where she cannot see she needs to move, and check on those kids. Another fun game at this age is "You show me yours I'll show you mine" or "what will happen if we write on the wall with crayons?" "cut each others hair?" All normal explorations for this age group, but unacceptable behavior in a good school. Two lifeguards would be expected to keep 16-18 kids safe in a pool, two teachers should be expected to keep your son safe.

My son was being bullied in preschool. Instead of telling the teacher, or if the teacher was too busy to hear him tell her, he would hide. The teachers and I encouraged him to run from the kids and tell a teacher immediately if it happened again. Well it happened again. And again. At one point a teacher said, "Oh they all hit from time to time. Even your son is not innocent of it, are you?" (directing that last part to my son). Finally it occurred to me that in not doing something more drastic, the teachers and I were not properly protecting my son. He was miserable and hated school. I took him out of the class and put him with a different teacher and different students within the same school. He put up a huge fuss about it because he was afraid to change-- even to the point of telling me he liked the hitting game the other kids did with him. I'm so glad I was wise to what was going on. It is unfortunate that the teacher wasn't . But after switching him to the other classroom, he was so much happier. The rest of the school year was so good. He thought the kids in the first classroom were his friends because that's all he had and the adults were basically putting the responsibility on him to make it work. That was wrong. Leaving my son in that classroom would have taught him incorrect things about friendships. On a lighter note, my other son is now very good friends with a boy who bullied him in kindergarten because kids do change and mature. But you need to take care of what is happening in the here and now. Protect your son. Good luck and God bless!

He needs to find his voice. Remind him that if the kids start being mean he needs to yell for the teacher right away. That will make the kids stop and the teacher to see what is going on. Hopefully the teachers react to it right away.

Otherwise I second what SH said. That is how they dealt with a problem child in my kids preschool.

When things like this happen to my son, I tell him to tell the kids he doesn't like that and to find someone else to play with. It's obviously easier said than done. Just the other day, his feelings were so hurt when two of his friends locked him out of their room, but believe me, it could just as easily have been him on the other side of the door. He refused to do anything but sit on my lap for the remainder of the playdate, even though there were plenty of other friends to play with.

At school, I tell him to notify a teacher if someone is hurting him or continuing to bother him after he has asked them to leave him alone. I just recently learned that a child had been regularly pinching him at preschool. My son told the teachers, but I was never told by the school. I sent an angry e-mail to the school's director letting her know how unhappy this made me.

If you've received apologies from the other moms, it sounds to me like the preschool is handling the incidents appropriately, although they probably should have made the children apologize to your son at the time. But they've obviously notified the parents, and the parents were made to understand that it was a serious enough situation that they felt compelled to apologize to you.

It's so hard to see your child upset and hurt. It sounds like you've had ongoing issues with his preschool from the beginning. At this point, I'd almost suggest you investigate other preschools in the area to find one that may be a better match for your child and YOU, as his mother. I know this one is well-regarded and that your choices are limited, but just because a school is considered "good" doesn't mean that it's good for you or your family.

Good luck.

At my son's school (mixed age 3-6 classroom) they have the 'four finger rule'. First they tell the child doing the unwanted behavior to stop, then they move away from that child, then they move towards the teacher, then if the behavior has not stopped, they tell the teacher. The teacher generally sits down with each child and talks with them. They have a 'peace rose' that the offending child can give to the other child with their apology. It seems to work well.

If you teach your 3 year old to hit back - not to use words or follow the classroom rules, the likely result will be that all the kids go to timeout - not any sort of real resolution. And certainly none of the kids will learn from this.

Expel the 'bully' pre-schooler? Really? Then how is he supposed to learn to deal with people. Or should we (society) just start giving up on four year olds? Talking to his parents so he has 'consequences' at home will not work. Fours do not have the cognitive and emotional abilities to not do something now that mommy told me about yesterday so I don't have a consequence later. Many adults are not there yet.

What should you tell/teach your son? To get out of the way, esp if someone is coming at his eye with their finger!

Its not okay. My child turns 6 @ the end of the summer and just turned 5 when she entered K. Some of the kids were 4 when the entered K and turned 5 right after entering K. My daughter told me there was this girl that would say mean things to her. I told the teacher and she said that this was in fact bullying and NOT tolerated and they took care of it. I was definatley upset, and how could I not be, I am her mother and this is my baby!
I told my daughter that when it comes to mean people to ignore them and not play with them. In my case it wasn't physical but I would tell my daughter to go directly to the teacher if it ever got physical. At my daughters school they do have a great behavoir systems w/colors and clips. Its four colors (all kids start the day on the top color), and when they do something bad they move their clip down to the next color. The third bad thing that day your parents get called in for a conference and if you move your clip to the fourth color during that day you go directly to the principles office.
To answer your questions I would tell my daughter to play with other kids or find other activities to do that don't involve these children. I would tell her that if the kids do something that is in anyway mean, to tell them "pleas stop or please do not do____or say _____". Also, to tell the teacher. Kids at this age are ok with playing by themselves and playing with other kids that they don't know that well.
I think it is nice that the parents texted you, b/c its good the parents know whats going on and they will give these children consequences to their actions. I wouldn't be afraid to say something either like "I'm glad your child didn't cause a serious injury to his eye and I hope your child understands this is not appropriate behavoir..." Something like that.
I know this is difficult. Hope this helps.

1) We had a similar situation. At this age, I did role playing with my son, where I would give him the words to say in situations like this - clearly and strongly saying "Stop that, I don't like that". I also worked with him on telling the teacher if it didn't stop. But once in 1st grade and up, I think that "telling" starts to get harder for kids, and that they need to be able to stand up for themselves. So I think that the role-playing is really important.

2) The school can put a stop to it by shadowing the child who is the bully, and firmly disciplining them AND making them apologize.

3) In a small classroom, you can't tell him to always stay away from these boys. And sometimes, they may be playing a game that he wants to play too. I think that it's ok for him to play with them as long as they are playing nicely. If they stop playing nicely, then he should walk away and play with someone else. I think that at this age, bullies aren't bullies all the time, but they have their own issues and triggers. And at other times and with the right encouragement, they may be nice kids. For example, there was a particular boy who would pick on my son in preschool. I of course had a very negative impression of him. Imagine my surprise when, at a classmate party at Chuch E Cheese, this boy ran over to my son when we arrived, gave him a hug, and asked him to play air hockey - which they happily did for about 20 minutes (under my close eye to make sure nothing went wrong). I have also talked to people who went even further to invite the bully over for a one-on-one play date, to encourage good interaction between her son and the more aggressive child - again, under the watchful eyes of both parents - to change the dynamic between the kids. Something you might think about, if you have a good relationship with the parent of the other child.

If a kid was poking at my daughter, I would tell her to pop him one or push him away. If you dont want to do that I would tell him next time that kid touches him in a mean way to scream as loud as he can. Practice with him in the shower where he can hear his own voice. Have him scream get away stop touching me.

aw jilly, sorry you're going through this. my son has had similar situations with an older neighbor girl. my personal solution was to watch them like a hawk and make sure she knew i was watching.

with school, you have to trust the teachers to watch the boys - and it sounds like they are.

in the meantime, i would tell my son (and i did) that NO ONE gets to be mean to him like that. he is too special for someone to treat like that- it is not okay no matter WHO it is. he should tell them, "that's not nice, and i don't like it!" and find someone else to play with. empower him by giving him the words. and if saying that doesn't work, then yes he should tell the teacher. and if you talk to the teacher again about this (i'm sure you will), make sure you keep the lines of communication open - don't be confrontational or accusatory. she's doing the best she can. work with her rather than making her part of the problem in your mind. you'll get a lot farther. (trashing the school or the teacher is not going to solve your problem. you need to do the best you can with what you have, rather than bemoaning what you don't have)

good luck!

J., first of all I think teachers should be told this is happening. They are the caregivers during the time the bullying is happening; they should be responsible to deal with it. The school should have a policy about it.
Tell your son he should not play near these kids. That those boys do not know how to behave. That they are wrong. That it is not his fault.