L.,
first i want to say, I applaud you - man you've got your hands full - I had a few choice expletives fire off in my head when i read your 'a little about me' regarding your husband. But i see you have a sense of humor too... that will get you thru some tough times.
Anywho!
My daughter went through the same thing (although that was 8 years ago so i dont recall a whole lot). This is SOOOO very common. With her, she had some kind of connection with her poop, it was as if she felt it was part of her, and didn't want to flush it down the toilet. This conclusion was drawn by speaking with my pediatrician and reading a few books on potty training, and the signs she was exhibiting, brought us to that 'diagnosis' if you will...
She would go into a corner to poop in her diaper - she knew she had to go.... she just wouldn't do it on the toilet - no matter what 'incentive' (read: bribe) i offered.
She did move past this eventually... my ped. said the important thing was not to push her too hard... encourage, but dont make her feel bad about doing it. During this time she also wouldn't go overnight with dry pants. Her problem there was that she was an extremely deep sleeper and just would sleep through the signals.
The pooping issue stopped when her baby sister got potty trained (her sister had no issues and seemed to be potty trained in just a few days, even overnight). It took my older daughter a bit longer to go overnight with dry pants because of her sleeping so deeply.
If i had to guesstimate how long the pooping issue lasted, I would say about 6 months??
Good luck,... this too shall pass.
Congrats on the birth of your new baby (My little girl was born a month early in January so she is 3 months today!), and I'm sorry about your situation. it must be hard at times... you always have us here at mamasource!
take care,
~J.~