Postpartum Trauma

Hi E. - first off, congratulations on your new baby girl!

What you are experiencing is very normal and more common than you would believe. It takes a long time for our bodies and our minds to process a trauma like the one that you experienced. It happens not just with baby deliveries but also car accidents, major surgeries, even a just-missed situation - all kinds of things involving a trauma.

It's very normal to grieve about what could have been. I experienced the same thing with my difficult delivery (34 hours). Even though it wasnt life threatening, the experience would replay in my mind and the feelings would come to the surface. I even had it after a sledding accident where I narrowly missed a major injury. The thoughts of what could have happened were scarier than what really did happen. I have a chiropractor friend who referred me to a counselor that specialized in treating emotional trauma through EMDR and some other "mind-body" clearing methods. My friend also suggested I pick up a homeopathic called "rescue remedy" at the natural foods store. Both helped amazingly well. I use the rescue remedy even now - especially when I find that I have those annoying intrusive thoughts.

It will get better. Dont be too hard on yourself for the feelings. When you find yourself going down that path, reign in your thoughts and remind yourself that what could have happened doesnt matter the most - what is real is that you are healthy and your daughters and family are healthy and you are all together.

Here's one visualization that really helped me. When the waves of emotions come to the surface, you can either be a break wall where the waves are smashing against it or you can be a screen or an open grate where the worst waves merely flow through. Allow the feelings to pass through you like a wave and leave as quickly as they came.

Best of all things to you and your family,

C.

You are not alone, yes it is normal, and how long it takes to heal is anyone's guess. I had a traumatic delivery with my oldest (now 9) and have had recurrent bouts of post traumatic stress ever since, usually when first pregnant, or just after a birth. Just the idea of having another baby would make me want to curl up in a corner and gibber in fear, still does as a matter of fact. The best way through it? Time and talking. Talk to your friends, or if your worried they're sick of hearing about it, go to a counselor. If you can't afford a counselor, write in a journal about it. Don't just focus on what happened, though. Explore the feelings that come up. If it scared you, let yourself feel that fear, and let it get out. Allow yourself to cry, and yell, and really express the feelings generated. Give yourself time to heal. There is no set time limit on how long it takes for something like this to heal, emotionally. Our emotions can be hurt the deepest, and take the longest to heal, and are just as crucial to our well being as anything else in our bodies. If someone has major surgery, or a severe injury, it can take them months, or years, to fully recover, if full recovery is even possible, and nobody expects them to just "get over it". The same should be true of our emotions. Don't measure your recovery in time, but in how you feel, and don't worry about how long it takes.

Hi E.,

Wow, I got chills reading your post. My story is SO similar to yours, but I've never met anyone who had something happen like what happened to me. They needed to use forceps to deliver my daughter (now 8) and the forceps severed an artery and I nearly bled to death. I too required surgery and was in ICU, and received blood transfusions. I also stopped breathing and was on a ventilator the first day. That's quite a lot!!

For me, it was very upsetting to hear nurses and doctors say how close to death I was. It was also upsetting to see other moms in the maternity ward who had a 'normal' delivery and were walking around the same day, holding their babies. I couldn't do that.

So I think there were two things going on, the loss of having an ideal delivery (if there is such a thing!). Plus the post-traumatic stress of what happened. For months and months flashes of what happened were the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing before I went to bed. It was hard to not be able to fill in the gaps.

I did end up writing an account of what happened. Just for me. So that I could answer any questions of the gaps (through my husband or whoever else remembered something). That in itself was therapeutic, sort of a journal of what happened start to finish. I also finally went to counseling. That really did help. Just to work out what was going on and talk about everything. I also am a therapist, and needed the help myself!

It is completely normal to go through what you are going through. Yes you are lucky and blessed and everything ended o.k., but it was truly a trauma for you and should be treated as such.

Thank you for sharing your concerns and your story. It was helpful to me just to read it. Good luck and congratulations.

E., congratulatins on your healthy baby and your other daughter! I'm sorry to hear you're still having scary thoughts. I have to admit, I have these as well still after five years post-partum. My twin sons had TTTS and were given a very slim chance of living (only 10%) and we never knew whether or not they were alive in my belly until we went to our weekly check ups...while I was on bed rest...for three months. Because of the trauma my own body went through during those months I had to be put back on bed rest for an additional month - my blood pressure was way too high and the doctors were afriad I would either seize or go into a coma. By the grace of God we are all now super healthy and happy. However, I still have these fears as you do. I have considered therapy again...I went the first year after they were born. It did seem to help to talk about it, but the thoughts kept coming back. I have spoken to friends of mine who have had healthy and semi-healthy pregnancies and beleive it or not, they say all moms have these fears and/or strange feelings of "what if?" or "why me?". I hope you find some peace in your heart and mind. Therapy might be the answer, or maybe moms are just destined to worry...maybe someone else will have another answer for you.

E.,

I had a tramatic delivery as well with my daughter in October, however not as tramatic as yours sounded. I had a very difficult time getting over it as well and my OBGYN said it sounded like I had post-tramatic-stress syndrom and prescribed an anti-anxiety medication called Lorazepam which really helped. I was worried about taking anything while breastfeeding but I'm so glad I did. I would take just one when I was feeling really overwhelmed and it helped me to see things a little more clearly and after a few weeks I felt good enough to stop taking them. It just really helped with the transition of everything. I know it can be really difficult getting over things like this but you just have to focus on all the good things that did happen and all the good that is happening now in your life. Things will get better.

S.

I went through post partum depression. I had dreams I was hurting my baby girl. M plancenta aruptered with her she almost died. This was after 4 miscarriages and no babys. I started having dreams I was hurting her and would only hold her to nurse. The dr put me on prozac and that seemed to help I was only on for 4 months. That was enough to put things in perspective.
You may not need antidepressents but you may want to talk to someone professionally just to help you. You went through a big ordeal. It does help to talk.

Although my first birth was not as severely traumatic as the birth of your daughter (I did not end up in ICU), it was traumatic and life threatening. While I tend to agree you are likely suffering from post-traumatic stress, I think only you are able to judge whether it's time to get some counseling or talk to your doctor about a prescription to help. I will say that it took me more than a year to get past the point where someone would ask when I was going to have the next baby and I would burst immediately into tears remembering how close I came to dying with my daughter's birth.

You've gotten some good advice from the other moms. Weigh what each has said and use what applies in your situation. Four months is really not long for dealing with such a life trauma.

I think you have PTSD. Talk therapy could help. Worry about the what if's in life can totally take over your life. You need to get some help, if you can afford it. Look in your daughter's eyes and remember how you are still here and what happened is past. Otherwise, you are going to miss out on so much of what happens the first year. Good luck.

I'm not a psychiatrist but it sounds exactly like post-traumatic stress syndrome. Please get yourself to a counselor ASAP. They can help you in a very short amount of time. Meds may or may not be in order but they could be quite helpful.

E.,

What you most likely have is some post traumatic stress going on. It is because of the trauma of the birth and all that happened after. I would suggest keeping a journal and speaking to someone about all of your feelings. Maybe go get some counseling. I am a clinical therapist and understand what you are going through. You are not crazy and things will settle down.

S.

I went through something similar with my son's birth (31 1/2 hrs labor), though not quite as severe. I bled heavily and worried my midwife, but she was able to get it under control. My big thing came 6 weeks, 2 days postpartum. Complete with ambulance ride and emergency surgery. It was horrible! That was 2 1/2 years ago and I still have occasional panic attacks over it.

I very recently had a hysterectomy and while I was recovering I had flashbacks. It was tough because I really like my bedroom, but it was a bit of a scary place while I was recovering from my hyst.

I guess the best thing I can say is to relish your daughters and know that you're still here with them. Try not to look back (easier said than done, I know) and talk about it as often as you feel comfortable. It also probably wouldn't hurt to have a couple sessions with a therapist, either.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this, and I hope you feel better about it soon. I can't say it'll ever go away, but it WILL get better. (((hugs)))

As you deal with it, try to grab your fears and lash them to a tree so that they don't bother you;fix what was left undone that stressed you in the first place.

Get a will. Not as bad as you might think, and it helps to answer a lot of questions about "what if?"

Get a journal for each of your children. Write to them everything that is in your heart. Your joys for them, your hopes for them, how you feel about them.

Plan your funeral (morbid, but think of what would make you happy... pink flowers, your favorite songs etc.).

Put a plan in place so that you have the peace of mind that things would be okay, either way, every day. :D Then move forward and enjoy each day as a gift. Which it is!

It will get easier in time. You may still have thoughts that hit you around the birth date of your daughter for many years. My situation was in reverse and it was my daughter that almost died. On her 18th birthday I still had some overwhelming thoughts about that experience although each year it seemed to be less overwhelming until it was almost just a brief moment of remembrance. Just keep on trying. It will get easier. Good luck to you and I am glad everything worked out in the end.

My own son was born 2 years this coming March. We found out while I was 5 months pregnant that he would need surgery after he was born. I was on bed rest for 6 months of my pregnancy and then my delivery was very long. My previous deliveries were 20 minutes. This little guy was 8 hours. To some that sounds like nothing, but when you are used to 20 min. 8 hours is very long. I was on the pit machine so it was 8 hours of hard labor. He was put into surgery within 24 hours and 4 days later got RSV from the NICU, and then due to complications with the first surgery was back into surgery 2 weeks later. Least to say he was supposed to have 3 surgeries from the time he was born until he was about 6 months old. By 15 months old he has had 15 surgeries. We found out he can't have two types of normal pain meds because it stops his heart. I still have nightmares over it. But when I start getting panicky over the "what ifs", I try to stop myself and think of all the wonderful things that have come from my precious little guy and the true blessings that I have...like him holding his head up, crawling, walking, laughing, talking, all things that we were told he had little to no chance of ever doing. And he is normal, he is very smart and you would never know that the doctors never thought he would make it past 6 weeks old.

Stress hits us all differently. And what causes stress to one person, doesn't hit another the same way. When you look death in the eyes, it makes you stop and think about yourself and those around you. This is normal. I would suggest finding someone who knows what your dealing with either a counselor or a friend who has dealt with something similar and just talk and cry and feel normal. I would also suggest writing down everything in a journal or your daughters baby book, just to have for the record, but it will let you know where you are and give you something to look back on and see where you have come from.

After my son was born, I could guarantee a "cry session" every weekend. Then it was every other week and then every month. It's almost two years and it has been about 3-6 months since my last outburst. But when I hear others that have had something similar happen, one way or another, I just want to give you a hug and let you know your ok and it's normal! Give your baby a hug and smell her baby soft skin.

Sorry this is so long. I pray that you will realize how wonderful you are and know that your emotions are normal and OK! Email me anytime you would like to just talk. It really does help!

E. - Your story sounds a good deal like my experience with my son - not postpartum depression but post-traumatic stress. Overwhelming is a mild term for the fears and sadness that can cascade over you at any given moment after dealing with this type of delivery. I, too, had a long period of scenarios playing themselves out in my mind - how would my husband cope with being a single father? How would my parents, living two states away, deal with their only grandson growing up without a mother? What would my son learn/feel/think about me if I was not there? It seems that in today's world we are taught that childbirth will be safe, easy and simple. The medical field has not equipped themselves to help mothers who don't have the "normal" delivery deal with the emotional trauma of going through this. My best suggestion is to find a truly caring friend, family member or psychologist/psychiatrist to help you talk through these fears and validate your feelings. You are not alone and you are not crazy - you are a loving mother who has been through a tremendously traumatic event and who needs support to deal with it's implications. These fears will continue for a time, but they will begin to fade. I had these thoughts for six to eight months, but I did not seek help. My son is now four years old and all of us (our family) are happy and well-adjusted. If you are able to talk through these fears, I believe you will see them fade sooner than I did. My thoughts are with you, E.. Take care of yourself - body, heart and mind!

I know you said you don't hav it, but this is one way that Post Partum depression shows up, it could also be PTSD. If you haven't talked to your doctor yet, you should. You should get some counseling. Also, if you have a church clergyman of some sort, it would probably b helpful to talk to them also. Ths is a type of depression/anxiety disorder. You need some help. The sooner you get it the better. I worked in an OB/GYN office for 4 years, and I have siblings who have experienced PPD, anxiety runs high in my family, including myself. I have thoughts like this and I haven't experienced anything traumatic. But my bishop lined me up with some counseling and it has helped greatly. Talk to your doctor he/she can steer you in the right direction. Good luck and I hope all goes well for you.

Hi E.,
I'm an L&D nurse for way more years than I care to think about. What you describe is a post traumatic stress syndrome. That is not just a soldiers problem, it happens following all kinds of traumas, car accidents, brushes with diasasters of all kinds. It would be really good if you could ask your doctor for a referral to a counselor who deals with this. It most likely is a short term thing, to deal with, but you need to realize that you're experiencing a normal response. People in past centuries saw childbirth as a very dangerous undertaking and we have minimized those dangers, but they do exist and are very real. Don't delay, get a little help, know it can get better.

Hi E.,

You need to embrace your feelings and acknowledge that you may need to talk to a therapist about everything. I would think that Post traumatic stress disorder or some lighter version may be going on. The rule I believe is 3 months for PTSD, you are at that point. Research you insurance policy most insurance pay up to 6 months + of therapy a year or 30 sessions.
Hang in there and take care of yourself so you can be there mentally and emotionally for your daughters. You can do it! Help will feel so good!!

Best of wishes!
R.